1 00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:08,839 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:20,559 Selina: And, uh, who else is confirmed? 3 00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:23,120 - Is senator Dorsey confirmed? - Yes. 4 00:00:23,199 --> 00:00:25,399 - Okay. - And senator Lucas was a maybe, 5 00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:26,879 but now he's definitely a definitely. 6 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:29,320 - Oh, that's awfully nice. - Yeah, it's growing as we speak. 7 00:00:29,399 --> 00:00:31,640 Yeah, okay, let's go talk filibuster reform. 8 00:00:31,719 --> 00:00:33,119 No, the Vice President does not have 9 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:35,079 a sliver of daylight in her schedule today. 10 00:00:35,159 --> 00:00:36,880 - Bye, Sue. Hey, Mike, Mike. - Yeah? 11 00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:39,359 Are we pushing the whole Cornstarch Utensils campaign now? 12 00:00:39,439 --> 00:00:40,840 Yes, ma'am. We've got a whole online thing. 13 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:42,320 - The inter-nerds are on it. - Okay, good. 14 00:00:42,399 --> 00:00:44,600 And today with the senators, don't forget to smile. 15 00:00:44,679 --> 00:00:46,560 Yeah, is that a poppy seed there in your teeth? 16 00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:49,320 - Oh, probably. - Yeah, ugh. 17 00:00:49,399 --> 00:00:50,799 - Oh! - What? 18 00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:52,799 - Senator Bixby is coming. - Oh, good. 19 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:54,640 - Great. - Ma'am, this is a fork. 20 00:00:54,719 --> 00:00:56,880 - And you know that he's our tour guide. - He's the tour guide. 21 00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:58,359 - Right, yes, yes, yes. - Remember? 22 00:00:58,439 --> 00:01:00,000 This is the new Cornstarch fork, ma'am. 23 00:01:00,079 --> 00:01:01,640 I got the Cornstarch spoon, too. 24 00:01:01,719 --> 00:01:03,280 Could we maybe table tableware for now, Gary, 25 00:01:03,359 --> 00:01:05,680 - and focus on filibuster reform? - No, no, no, but, Amy, look. 26 00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:07,879 Look at this. This is classic clean jobs stuff. 27 00:01:07,959 --> 00:01:09,680 I mean, if I can get Cornstarch Utensils 28 00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:11,359 in most federal buildings by the fall, 29 00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:13,359 well, then the VEEP has landed. 30 00:01:13,439 --> 00:01:14,840 That is what we are working on, landing you. 31 00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:17,359 - Yeah. - Like a big, beautiful eagle. 32 00:01:17,439 --> 00:01:19,879 ( sirens blaring ) 33 00:01:19,959 --> 00:01:21,359 - You want your scarf? - No. 34 00:01:21,439 --> 00:01:22,920 - Are you sure? It looks pretty... - No, I don't want it. 35 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:26,039 And what about senator Reeves? Is he dead yet? 36 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:28,760 Not yet. He's mostly intravenous. 37 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:31,239 He has so many tubes in him, he looks like a set of bagpipes. 38 00:01:31,319 --> 00:01:34,239 ( sirens blaring ) 39 00:01:34,319 --> 00:01:35,840 - Let me take your coat. - Want to take your coats? 40 00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:38,319 - Here's your glasses. - What do you think? 41 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:41,359 Glasses on for the intellectual look? 42 00:01:41,439 --> 00:01:43,239 - Focused? - A woman with vision. 43 00:01:43,319 --> 00:01:45,479 - I like your glasses. - No, glasses make me look weak. 44 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:48,759 - Yeah, I agree. - It's like a wheelchair for the eye. 45 00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:52,000 Okay, senators, let the reforming commence. 46 00:01:52,079 --> 00:01:53,719 - Amy: We're expecting 50 or 60. - Oh, good. 47 00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:59,840 Is this the right room? Are we early? 48 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:02,439 - Senator Phil Dorsey, 2:00. - I'm not a sniper. 49 00:02:02,519 --> 00:02:04,680 - Philip. - Ah, Madam Vice President. Welcome. 50 00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:06,879 Thank you. Oh, you remember my chief of staff Amy. 51 00:02:06,959 --> 00:02:08,360 Oh, Amy. It's nice to see you. 52 00:02:08,439 --> 00:02:10,158 His daughter Emily just graduated from Harvard. 53 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:12,280 - Tell me, how is Emily? - Oh, she's good. 54 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:14,159 - Oh, good. - Can I get you something to drink? 55 00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:15,879 - I would love a coffee. - You've got it. 56 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:18,599 Okay, thank you. What's going on, Amy? 57 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:20,680 There aren't enough people to fill a fucking canoe in here. 58 00:02:20,759 --> 00:02:23,840 - Okay. - What's wrong? That was your bad okay. 59 00:02:23,919 --> 00:02:27,360 What's wrong? Senator Mike Dudley. He's interested in maps. 60 00:02:27,439 --> 00:02:30,360 - Mike, you found us. - Oh, Madam Vice President. 61 00:02:30,439 --> 00:02:32,478 - Is that a map joke? - Yes, it is. 62 00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:34,400 - ( phone ringing ) - Oh, sorry. Excuse me. 63 00:02:34,478 --> 00:02:36,280 - Okay. - Let's talk about this blog thing. 64 00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:38,199 - Guys, what's going on right now? - I can explain that. 65 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:39,680 What is happening right now? 66 00:02:39,759 --> 00:02:41,879 Brett Kagan's blog picked up a tweet from us. 67 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:43,800 Quote, "76% of government buildings 68 00:02:43,879 --> 00:02:46,639 now have Cornstarch Utensils! Let's make it 100! 69 00:02:46,719 --> 00:02:48,560 Let's make plastic utensils extinct!" 70 00:02:48,639 --> 00:02:51,439 Oh, great, we've upset the plastics industry. 71 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:54,159 This whole building is bankrolled by plastics. 72 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:56,478 - This is why nobody showed up. - Man: Madam Vice President. 73 00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:58,759 - I don't know who this man is. - Hello. 74 00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:00,479 Mike, talk to me. I am in a room 75 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,439 with three people and a fuckload of quiche. 76 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:03,919 Okay, here comes Dorsey with your coffee. 77 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,039 Gary, I have large, moving shapes covered. 78 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:08,039 - Okay. Okay. - Okay? 79 00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:10,639 - ( whispers ) Here's your coffee. - Oh, my co... 80 00:03:10,719 --> 00:03:12,759 I'll get it. I got it. I got it. 81 00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:14,478 Okay, here's what we do. Here's what we do. 82 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:16,120 You should meet with senator Hallowes. 83 00:03:16,199 --> 00:03:19,879 She is stight with the plastics people, it's... 84 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:22,800 Are you kidding? Do these not bend the fuck back? 85 00:03:22,879 --> 00:03:24,520 No. No. 86 00:03:24,599 --> 00:03:27,079 What am I supposed to do with this? I'm supposed to eat around corners? 87 00:03:27,159 --> 00:03:29,400 Is that how's gonna work? Here, take this, please. 88 00:03:29,478 --> 00:03:32,680 We could even give Hallowes a post on your clean jobs commission, 89 00:03:32,759 --> 00:03:34,759 - keep plastics happy. - That's actually a great idea. 90 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:37,520 Can you do that? Can you do that? Can you get Hallowes now? 91 00:03:37,599 --> 00:03:39,759 Of course I can. You can just shut it down. 92 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:41,439 - Yeah. Go, go, go. - Shut it down. 93 00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:43,400 - You should mingle. - Mingle? 94 00:03:43,478 --> 00:03:44,879 - Yeah. - What? 95 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:46,960 How do you suggest that I mingle with this few people? 96 00:03:47,039 --> 00:03:50,159 Did Simon mingle with Garfunkel? 97 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,079 Well, they work together. They probably socialized together. 98 00:03:52,159 --> 00:03:53,400 I'm sure they did, right? 99 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:56,400 Madam Vice President. Hi, I'm Dan Egan. 100 00:03:56,478 --> 00:03:58,000 I'm director of communications for senator Hallowes. 101 00:03:58,079 --> 00:03:59,478 - Oh, good. - Currently. 102 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:02,120 I just want to say that I'm a huge fan of the clean jobs initiative. 103 00:04:02,199 --> 00:04:03,639 Oh, thank you. Well, you know what I say, 104 00:04:03,719 --> 00:04:05,319 it's a dirty job and I love to do it. 105 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:07,479 - Ha, that's funny. I actually... - Barbara? 106 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:10,400 - Selina, hi. - Hi. 107 00:04:10,478 --> 00:04:13,080 The Vice President, or VEEP, has managed to punch her way through... 108 00:04:13,159 --> 00:04:14,719 Thank you, Dan. Yeah. 109 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:16,680 Barbara, it's so good to see you. 110 00:04:16,759 --> 00:04:18,959 - It's good to see you. - What have I been missing here? 111 00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:21,199 Power. I'm kidding! 112 00:04:21,279 --> 00:04:23,800 - Oh, Selina. - I know. I know. 113 00:04:23,879 --> 00:04:25,639 Coffee for the Vice President, please, Dan. 114 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:27,560 Guess what? I've managed to get a fresh batch 115 00:04:27,639 --> 00:04:29,480 of those European sweeners you like so much. 116 00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:31,920 Oh, thanks, Gary. Yeah, they're great sweeteners. 117 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,040 - They are awful. - ( laughs ) 118 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:37,920 Actually, they're just sweeteners I got at a NATO meeting last year. 119 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:41,159 They really taste rather... 120 00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:46,000 Uh, unpleasant. 121 00:04:46,079 --> 00:04:47,480 Kind of bitter. 122 00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:50,240 So, Dan, are you enjoying working for Hallowes? 123 00:04:50,319 --> 00:04:52,560 Not really. She's middle of the road. 124 00:04:52,639 --> 00:04:55,720 She's mediocre, really. Of all the -ocres, she's the mediest. 125 00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:59,560 Do I add water to this machine? It's like a robot. 126 00:04:59,639 --> 00:05:01,399 It's a nice bag, Gary. 127 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:03,360 You know, he calls that "The Leviathan." 128 00:05:03,439 --> 00:05:05,800 Ooh, you got the nuclear codes in there, buddy? 129 00:05:05,879 --> 00:05:08,560 Is there a pouch or something that I put into this? 130 00:05:08,639 --> 00:05:11,360 You still got that guy Mike in your press shop? 131 00:05:11,439 --> 00:05:13,240 - Yes. - He ran press for Moses, didn't he? 132 00:05:13,319 --> 00:05:16,480 - Oh, God. - Is there like an espresso thing? 133 00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:18,480 - A little podule or anything? - Jesus fucking Christ. 134 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:20,600 All right, look, watch me, autismo. You take the little pod, 135 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:22,560 put the little pod in the fucking hole, shut the fucking lid, 136 00:05:22,639 --> 00:05:24,199 hit the fucking button for two fucking seconds. 137 00:05:24,279 --> 00:05:26,439 - Oh, it's so easy. - Too quick, I didn't see it. 138 00:05:26,519 --> 00:05:29,360 Yeah, well, next time pack an espresso machine in your big fuckin' bitch bag. 139 00:05:29,439 --> 00:05:31,439 - Oh, my God. - Dan seems nice. 140 00:05:31,519 --> 00:05:33,120 - He's new. - Oh, he is great. 141 00:05:33,199 --> 00:05:36,360 Very loyal. I got him from an Ohio congresswoman. 142 00:05:36,439 --> 00:05:38,159 You know, he's dating my daughter. 143 00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:40,519 - You're kidding. Janet? - No. 144 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:42,560 Of course not. Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. 145 00:05:42,639 --> 00:05:44,879 I meant, um, Carol. 146 00:05:44,959 --> 00:05:46,600 - Carol. - ( chuckles ) 147 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,600 - How are your kids? - Uh, she's good. 148 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:53,560 - I understand you're busy. - I am. 149 00:05:53,639 --> 00:05:58,360 But I wanted to talk to you about coming on board the clean jobs commission. 150 00:05:58,439 --> 00:06:00,240 To get plastics off your back? 151 00:06:00,319 --> 00:06:01,800 No, sorry, Selina. That would be bad for me. 152 00:06:01,879 --> 00:06:05,920 Oh, come on. They're not gonna pull funding over this. 153 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:09,800 Honey, what is plastics made of? You piss off plastics, you piss off oil. 154 00:06:09,879 --> 00:06:11,279 And you do not want to fuck with those guys 155 00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:13,759 because they fuck in a very unpleasant fashion. 156 00:06:13,839 --> 00:06:17,639 Barbara, are you really willing to sell your soul 157 00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:19,439 to the guys who make toothbrushes 158 00:06:19,519 --> 00:06:23,240 and... and... and... and... and the holders for toothbrushes? 159 00:06:23,319 --> 00:06:25,000 Yeah, they're the guys who fund the members 160 00:06:25,079 --> 00:06:27,319 of your clean jobs commission. 161 00:06:27,399 --> 00:06:31,160 I could draw you a diagram, but it would be a very simple diagram. 162 00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:33,680 Oh, I can handle geometry, Barbara, all right? 163 00:06:33,759 --> 00:06:35,639 - Come on, I've got to get going. - Yes, well, I have... 164 00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:38,120 a ton on my agenda as well. 165 00:06:38,199 --> 00:06:41,399 Watch this. Uh, senator Reeves just died. 166 00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:43,120 - Oh. - ( gasps ) 167 00:06:43,199 --> 00:06:46,319 - Oh. - Rapey Reeves. 168 00:06:46,399 --> 00:06:48,639 He was the first senator to welcome me to the Capitol, you know? 169 00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:50,240 He was old even then. 170 00:06:50,319 --> 00:06:53,439 - Was he full of wisdom? - He was full of bourbon. 171 00:06:53,519 --> 00:06:55,159 And he grabbed my left tit. 172 00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:57,720 - Remember that? - And God rest his soul. 173 00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:00,120 Hey, did you fire your tweet monkey yet? 174 00:07:00,199 --> 00:07:03,279 Because that guy is a weapons-grade retard. 175 00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:05,600 I think you might have been hoist by your own retard there. 176 00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:07,399 ( laughs ) That's a good one. 177 00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:09,240 - Your own retard. Nice. - See you downstairs. 178 00:07:09,319 --> 00:07:12,199 - Yeah. Honor to have met you, madam. - Oh, thank you, Dan. 179 00:07:12,279 --> 00:07:13,839 I really admired your primaries campaign. 180 00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:15,360 Oh, how nice. Thank you very much. 181 00:07:15,439 --> 00:07:17,160 Two things I would have done differently. 182 00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:19,800 Two things? Oh, no kidding. What were they? 183 00:07:19,879 --> 00:07:22,040 I think you spent too much time in new Hampshire. That was in the bag. 184 00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:24,319 And the attack ads in Oregon came up four days too soon, 185 00:07:24,399 --> 00:07:25,800 made you seem mean before you had to be. 186 00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:27,959 But, I mean, hey, you're the old pro here. 187 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:29,759 - Gary: Ooh! - You're the pro. 188 00:07:29,839 --> 00:07:31,759 Well, I'll keep that in mind. 189 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:36,240 Mike: Sorry about the Senate meeting. 190 00:07:36,319 --> 00:07:39,560 Yeah, it was like a funeral for a homeless guy. 191 00:07:39,639 --> 00:07:41,680 - How was Hallowes? - Oh, you know, the usual. 192 00:07:41,759 --> 00:07:44,120 ( mocking accent ) "Selina, hi. 193 00:07:44,199 --> 00:07:46,560 I'm melting. I'm melting." 194 00:07:46,639 --> 00:07:48,959 She is such a fucking bitch. 195 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:52,159 So today at the 3:30 press call, what do you want me to say about plastics? 196 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:53,759 I think our best agenda is to reassure... 197 00:07:53,839 --> 00:07:56,920 \- Whoa. I know. Don't tell me. - What? 198 00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:00,279 If I genuinely don't know, then those bastards can't make me tell them. 199 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:02,120 You know my motto, "I don't want to know." 200 00:08:02,199 --> 00:08:03,839 Anyways, what motto? I don't have a motto. 201 00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,439 Hey, Sue. Did the president call? 202 00:08:07,519 --> 00:08:09,120 - No. - No. 203 00:08:09,199 --> 00:08:10,600 Hey, Sue, that is a lovely dress. 204 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:12,360 - Thank you, Gary. Madam Vice President. - Yeah? 205 00:08:12,439 --> 00:08:13,959 We're gonna need to resync your BlackBerry. 206 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:15,839 - Okay. - The diary's been violated. 207 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:17,319 Ma'am, here's your coffee. It's really hot. 208 00:08:17,399 --> 00:08:19,959 Can you put it down right there? Oh, Gary. Um... 209 00:08:22,879 --> 00:08:25,240 Oh. Oh, my God, what was I just gonna say? 210 00:08:25,319 --> 00:08:27,279 ( whimpers ) 211 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:30,279 Oh. 212 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:32,240 I don't know. It just went out of my head. 213 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:33,720 - It'll come to me later. - Okay. 214 00:08:33,799 --> 00:08:35,679 And Jonah is here from the White House. 215 00:08:35,759 --> 00:08:37,159 I told him you were too busy to see him, 216 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:39,639 but, as you see, he ignored me and, by implication, you. 217 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:41,120 - Hi. - Oh, Madam Vice President. 218 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,840 Close the door. On your way out, close it. Quickly. Quick, quick. 219 00:08:43,919 --> 00:08:45,320 Quick, quick. God Almighty. 220 00:08:45,399 --> 00:08:47,000 No. 221 00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:50,039 You, did you check the Wikipedia? Did they change her weight again? 222 00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:52,440 Somebody keeps hacking into the site and changing her weight. 223 00:08:52,519 --> 00:08:54,519 Oh, Jonah. 224 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:57,080 Good new Italian place opened up downtown, Amy. 225 00:08:57,159 --> 00:08:59,360 - You like Italian? - I love Italian, Jonah, 226 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:01,519 but still, unfortunately, really dislike you. 227 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:04,039 Oh, I wasn't asking you out. I don't want you to think 228 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:05,720 that was a burn because I wasn't asking you out. 229 00:09:05,799 --> 00:09:08,360 Hey, it's the guy from "My Left Foot." 230 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:11,279 Jonah, how many times have you talked to the president today? 231 00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:13,240 Oh, you want to know? 232 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:16,600 Yeah, 'cause you need to put it up on that star chart on your refrigerator. 233 00:09:16,679 --> 00:09:18,559 - He spoke to me four times today. - Four? 234 00:09:18,639 --> 00:09:21,279 Briefing room, N.S.C. meeting, hallway twice. 235 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:22,759 And in each of those did he say, 236 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:24,879 "Someone get this freak the fuck away from me"? 237 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,639 - ( Amy laughs ) - Hi, Jonah. 238 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:29,480 What's the news from the mountaintop? 239 00:09:29,559 --> 00:09:32,120 - The White House would like... - Hang on just a second. 240 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:34,039 Can you do me there? 241 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:36,039 - Doing you. - What? 242 00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:38,039 The White House would like you to atend at 6:00 P.M. 243 00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:40,120 S.R.V.A. Fund-raiser tonight instead of the President. 244 00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:41,879 - Oh, no, that's not gonna happen. - Not on the schedule. 245 00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:43,519 The POTUS doesn't want to get hit with questions 246 00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:45,000 on the fiscal responsibility bill. 247 00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:46,559 - Uh-huh. - Obviously they won't ask you guys 248 00:09:46,639 --> 00:09:48,039 because you have no... 249 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:51,919 um, you just have other areas of expertise. 250 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,360 Yeah, clean jobs, Yemen, mission to Mars. 251 00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:56,200 Yeah, it's not gonna happen. I'm busy tonight. 252 00:09:56,279 --> 00:09:59,000 Yeah, we're positioning ourselves right now with the clean jobs commission. 253 00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:02,440 But the President of the United States of America 254 00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:04,120 - is very keen... - Uh-huh. 255 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:06,399 That your going to the fund-raiser should be 256 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,039 fundamentally the sequence of events 257 00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:09,840 that does actually take place this evening. 258 00:10:14,519 --> 00:10:17,919 - I will make a call. - Thank you. 259 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:20,440 And I'd like you to watch your tone with me. 260 00:10:20,519 --> 00:10:22,000 - I will watch my tone. - Yeah. 261 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,480 And, Mike, you need to be there, too, okay? 262 00:10:23,559 --> 00:10:25,120 So no going home to walk your dog. 263 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:28,799 Uh, don't tell me what to do, Doogie Fucking Howser. 264 00:10:28,879 --> 00:10:30,879 I don't know what that means. 265 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:32,799 - Or your "left foot" thing. - Great movie. 266 00:10:32,879 --> 00:10:35,480 Okay, well, I'm going to go back to the White House. 267 00:10:35,559 --> 00:10:38,559 That address makes me hard. 268 00:10:38,639 --> 00:10:40,159 Kiss you, miss you. 269 00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,759 ( sirens blaring ) 270 00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:45,879 Hey, Mike. 271 00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:48,399 What would you say were the two 272 00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:50,919 biggest campaign mistakes that we made? 273 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:53,000 You looked tired a lot and the hat. 274 00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:54,480 I liked the hat. What are you talking about? 275 00:10:54,559 --> 00:10:58,240 The hat hurt us. Your head looked weird in the hat, that's all I'm gonna say. 276 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,600 Okay... 277 00:11:01,679 --> 00:11:03,120 What do you think of Dan? 278 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,639 Oh, Dan is a shit. 279 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:07,559 You want to expand on that? 280 00:11:07,639 --> 00:11:10,799 Sure. He's a massive and total shit. 281 00:11:11,879 --> 00:11:13,320 When you first meet him, you think surely to God 282 00:11:13,399 --> 00:11:16,200 this man can't be as big a shit as he seems, 283 00:11:16,279 --> 00:11:18,720 but he is. 284 00:11:18,799 --> 00:11:20,360 - See, I... - 'Cause like if there were a book 285 00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:23,240 with covers made of shit, you'd think, "That's intriguing. 286 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:25,519 I wonder what's in this book that they saw fit 287 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:27,399 to give it covers made of pure shit." 288 00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:30,000 And then you open it and... shit. 289 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:35,679 - ( applause ) - Thank you so much. Yes. 290 00:11:35,759 --> 00:11:38,679 How are you? I see you. I see you. 291 00:11:38,759 --> 00:11:41,120 There's congresswoman Clements, you should speak with her. 292 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,279 She's got a small mustache. It's a little disturbing. 293 00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:44,960 - Don't stare at it, okay? - Oh. Mm-hmm. 294 00:11:45,039 --> 00:11:46,879 The podium is definitely too high. 295 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,879 - Box me, Gary. Box me. - Oh, yeah, yeah. 296 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:55,879 What is the utensil situation? Is it Cornstarch or plastic here? 297 00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:57,919 Stay away from both. The utensils are politicized. 298 00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:01,159 You could use celery as a kind of shovel. 299 00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:05,039 I cannot believe you are dating your boss's daughter. 300 00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:08,600 She's fun, she's sexy. She can advance my career. 301 00:12:08,679 --> 00:12:10,360 - I really like her. - That's the one. 302 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:11,879 - She's great. - That's the one. 303 00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:13,799 We need to talk about the V.P.'S speech, okay? 304 00:12:13,879 --> 00:12:15,320 - What? - Can I just... 305 00:12:15,399 --> 00:12:18,000 - Don't grab my shit. - Thank you. 306 00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:21,000 White House says we need to majorly redact this, okay? 307 00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:22,519 I'll redact your fucking face. 308 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:24,000 The White House does not want anything 309 00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:25,639 in the papers tomorrow about oil, okay? 310 00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:28,039 - What? - Or plastics. 311 00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:31,000 - Nothing about Cornstarch. - Her whole position is green jobs. 312 00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:33,080 Is doesn't come from me, okay, so just do it. 313 00:12:33,159 --> 00:12:35,200 You love this. You love this. 314 00:12:35,279 --> 00:12:36,919 I'm not gonna say I don't enjoy it. 315 00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,559 Ladies and gentlemen, I want to welcome you all 316 00:12:39,639 --> 00:12:41,679 here tonight and thank you for coming. 317 00:12:41,759 --> 00:12:43,159 - Hi, Selina. - Hey. 318 00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:45,120 - Just a small change in the speech. - What is that? 319 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:47,120 Plastics apparently talked to the president. 320 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:50,159 The White House doesn't want us mentioning oil or Cornstarch or plastic. 321 00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,559 Just wing it. 322 00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:55,000 This has been pencil-fucked completely? 323 00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:57,240 Uh, yes, front and back. Very little romance. 324 00:12:57,320 --> 00:12:59,200 That's the entire speech, okay? 325 00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:03,039 What's left here? I've got "hello" and I have... Preposions. 326 00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:04,960 Well, you could talk about your boat. 327 00:13:05,039 --> 00:13:06,480 - Or something like that. - Sure, talk about the boat. 328 00:13:06,559 --> 00:13:08,799 Gary, seriously, can you just shut up for 10 seconds? 329 00:13:08,879 --> 00:13:11,360 Okay, now I can't read what you're writing. 330 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:12,840 Relax, you're really good at Senate vote reform. 331 00:13:12,919 --> 00:13:14,840 Hit that one. That's a home run. That's your "Sergeant Pepper's." 332 00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:17,200 - We can also use my kitten heels gag. - All right. Is that funny? 333 00:13:17,279 --> 00:13:18,759 - No. - It's funny enough for these people. 334 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:20,639 - Hit the verbs. - Thank you, I've got it. 335 00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:23,679 It's fine, I can do it. I can't... I don't know what that is. 336 00:13:23,759 --> 00:13:25,840 Please welcome Vice President Selina Meyer. 337 00:13:25,919 --> 00:13:27,679 - Go for the money. - It's just pennies. 338 00:13:27,759 --> 00:13:31,879 Hey. Hi. Oh! 339 00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:35,200 Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished guests, 340 00:13:35,279 --> 00:13:36,919 as I'm sure you're aware, 341 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:40,759 I have stepped into the president's shoes this evening, 342 00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:42,879 and, uh... 343 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:44,799 Who knew he wore kitten heels? 344 00:13:44,879 --> 00:13:47,480 ( laughs ) 345 00:13:47,559 --> 00:13:50,120 Selina: No, he of course doesn't. 346 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:52,039 He's more of a stilettos kind of guy. 347 00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:55,399 ( chuckles ) 348 00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:57,039 Um... 349 00:13:58,519 --> 00:14:00,559 ( stammers ) 350 00:14:00,639 --> 00:14:04,679 All kidding aside, I am reminded tonight 351 00:14:04,759 --> 00:14:07,679 of the late senator David Reeves. 352 00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:15,720 He died. He's... he's dead now. 353 00:14:15,799 --> 00:14:18,399 And I remember dear David 354 00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:21,080 talking to the president and myself 355 00:14:21,159 --> 00:14:23,519 about the absurdity of allowing 356 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:26,799 multiple filibusters on a single bill. 357 00:14:26,879 --> 00:14:28,440 And... 358 00:14:31,559 --> 00:14:34,720 Politics is about people. 359 00:14:37,559 --> 00:14:38,799 It's about people. 360 00:14:42,159 --> 00:14:43,919 Uh... 361 00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:45,639 Is your guy gonna be tweeting about this? 362 00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:48,480 ( crowd laughs ) 363 00:14:48,559 --> 00:14:51,159 Okay, well, let me put it this way, Sam, 364 00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:54,279 that guy is no longer in a position to pay his iPhone contract. 365 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:56,399 ( all chuckle ) 366 00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:59,960 That's because Mike McClintock there threw him into the Potomac River. 367 00:15:00,039 --> 00:15:02,879 ( laughs ) 368 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:05,120 Oh, boy. It seems with that Cornstarch tweet, 369 00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:07,559 we were hoist by our own retard. 370 00:15:07,639 --> 00:15:09,559 ( laughing stops ) 371 00:15:09,639 --> 00:15:12,440 Uh, so... 372 00:15:12,519 --> 00:15:14,240 I know. I know. I know what I said. 373 00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:16,360 It's the use of the word "retard." 374 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:17,879 - It's just not... - But it was joke. It was joke. 375 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:19,399 And then everything went silent. 376 00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:22,000 If I could, I think it would behoove you to make an apology 377 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:24,159 as soon as possible, in which case I can get someone in your office 378 00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:26,200 from an appropriate mental health charity... 379 00:15:26,279 --> 00:15:29,480 Who the fuck is pretty boy? Who the fuck is pretty boy? 380 00:15:29,559 --> 00:15:31,200 Look, it's going to be in the papers tomorrow. 381 00:15:31,279 --> 00:15:33,960 Not necessarily. Let's not make it the story and panic, okay? 382 00:15:34,039 --> 00:15:35,759 - What if Tom Hanks dies? - What? 383 00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:38,159 - What a dark thought. - I'm not wishing that. 384 00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:39,639 I'm saying anything could happen... Tom Hanks could die, 385 00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:41,120 there could be a forest fire in L.A. 386 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:43,480 How did you get this job? You really want to base your press strategy 387 00:15:43,559 --> 00:15:45,360 based on trying to figure out when Tom Hanks is gonna... 388 00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:48,000 - Did someone order a dick-o-gram here? - Amy: Yes, seemingly. 389 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:49,559 Can we not strategize in a closet? 390 00:15:49,639 --> 00:15:52,480 All right, what we're gonna do is we're gonna walk slowly to the car, okay? 391 00:15:52,559 --> 00:15:54,600 But you guys surround me, very purposeful. 392 00:15:54,679 --> 00:15:56,279 - Like a human motorcade. - Exactly. 393 00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:59,600 - We're discussing important things. - Like the pope. 394 00:15:59,679 --> 00:16:01,919 - Come on. - Mike: Let's just roll. 395 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,440 - And smile, though. Smile, smile. - Wonderful job. 396 00:16:03,519 --> 00:16:06,720 Smiling. And we're gonna talk about that. 397 00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:10,399 It's not enough of a motor... surround me more, though. Surround it. 398 00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:12,320 - Surround me. - Okay, I've got it. I've got it. 399 00:16:12,399 --> 00:16:13,879 I need to keep these off your jacket 400 00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,480 'cause the static attracts and retains dirt. 401 00:16:15,559 --> 00:16:17,720 Selina: Thank you, Gary. Making physics fun. 402 00:16:17,799 --> 00:16:20,879 Every minute that we delay, "Retard" goes up a font size. 403 00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:22,440 Amy: Well, then start the process. 404 00:16:22,519 --> 00:16:24,320 Mike, we're gonna have to have you pull an all-nighter. 405 00:16:24,399 --> 00:16:25,960 No, I can't. I've got the dog. 406 00:16:26,039 --> 00:16:27,919 Okay, listen. Mike, you go home. 407 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:30,559 Feed the dog. Walk the dog. 408 00:16:30,639 --> 00:16:32,399 Shoot the dog. Bury the dog. 409 00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:34,720 - And then come back in, okay? - The dog will be fine. 410 00:16:36,639 --> 00:16:39,000 She was trying to be funny. 411 00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,759 I know. She's not funny. Of course I know that. 412 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:43,879 No, no, no. She won't be available for that, either. No. 413 00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:47,360 I can't say no to you again, so I'm just going to... 414 00:16:48,919 --> 00:16:51,240 Good morning. 415 00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:53,440 Seen this? 416 00:16:53,519 --> 00:16:56,480 Everybody seen it? Everybody got a good look? 417 00:16:56,559 --> 00:17:00,320 Front page of the style section of the "Washington Post." 418 00:17:00,399 --> 00:17:02,480 You're the head of communications, is that correct? 419 00:17:02,559 --> 00:17:04,319 - Yes, ma'am. - Tuck your shirt in. 420 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:06,279 Okay? Your dick is hanging out of your pants. 421 00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:09,839 - Sue, did the president call? - No. 422 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:11,240 No. 423 00:17:14,519 --> 00:17:16,880 - Hey, everyone. - Oh, God. 424 00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:20,480 Hey, what colossal fuckup are we dealing with this morning? 425 00:17:20,559 --> 00:17:23,400 Did the VEEP kill the last remaining snow leopard? 426 00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:26,240 Did she firebomb a hospice? 427 00:17:26,319 --> 00:17:27,920 I don't have time to ignore you, Jonah. 428 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:30,000 Gary, could you please ignore Jonah for me? 429 00:17:30,079 --> 00:17:32,160 - What do you want, Jonah? - I have a condolence card 430 00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:33,640 for senator Reeves' widow. 431 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,000 POTUS has signed, the VPOTUS needs to sign. 432 00:17:36,079 --> 00:17:37,960 And then I'm gonna take this to the Hill, okay? 433 00:17:38,039 --> 00:17:40,160 You talk as if you're passing the civil rights act. 434 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:41,759 Look alive, gang. 435 00:17:41,839 --> 00:17:45,519 Hey, good-looking. What you got cooking? Dickwad pie? 436 00:17:45,599 --> 00:17:47,440 Amy, this is Paul Burton. He's the chair 437 00:17:47,519 --> 00:17:49,400 of the American Foundation for Adult Mental Disabilities. 438 00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:51,559 - Hi. How are you? - Hi. It's nice to meet you. I'm Amy. 439 00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:53,640 Mr. Burton, love to bring you into my office. 440 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:56,400 - Thank you. - Did you know that I have my own flag? 441 00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:59,799 Ma'am, I have a condolence card here for senator Reeves' widow. 442 00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:02,640 Oh, Amy, can you... 443 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:05,559 Gary, we are going to need two coffees. 444 00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:07,680 - Shouldn't that be three? - Two is good. 445 00:18:10,079 --> 00:18:11,920 Uh, guys, a man is dead. 446 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:15,319 When a sexual harasser dies, we sign his wife's card. 447 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:17,279 Okay? That's how Washington works. 448 00:18:17,359 --> 00:18:20,400 - I will sign it. - Fine, thank you. 449 00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:22,519 That was her telling me to sign her name. 450 00:18:22,599 --> 00:18:24,279 If she'd wanted me to sign your name, she would have done this... 451 00:18:24,359 --> 00:18:26,359 ( grunting ) 452 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,279 That didn't get me. 453 00:18:28,359 --> 00:18:29,799 Selina: I mean, I misjudged things. 454 00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:34,000 Fundamentally, I would say I misjoked. I mean, if we were gonna really be... 455 00:18:34,079 --> 00:18:36,400 Ha-ha! Tall, dark and tiresome, 456 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:38,480 you need to get back to your boss's corner. 457 00:18:38,559 --> 00:18:40,720 Hallowes is on the ropes. She was reported by the blog 458 00:18:40,799 --> 00:18:44,000 saying that the late senator Reeves had a history of sexual misconduct. 459 00:18:44,079 --> 00:18:46,640 Yeah, well, you know what? I don't work for senator Hallowes. 460 00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:48,480 I resigned just about an hour ago. 461 00:18:48,559 --> 00:18:51,720 - Are you kidding me? - Yeah, right after I leaked that story. 462 00:18:51,799 --> 00:18:53,599 - What are you planning? - What? 463 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:55,839 - What? - What? 464 00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:58,279 Can you please keep your eye on him, please? 465 00:18:58,359 --> 00:19:00,759 - 'Cause this is shady shit. - Okay. 466 00:19:00,839 --> 00:19:02,759 All right, Mike, here's what we do, okay? 467 00:19:02,839 --> 00:19:05,319 At the 11:30, you say that senator Hallowes 468 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:07,200 not only insulted the late senator Reeves, 469 00:19:07,279 --> 00:19:09,480 but that she also encouraged... 470 00:19:09,559 --> 00:19:11,519 no, wait, strike that... she goaded 471 00:19:11,599 --> 00:19:14,000 the V.P. into using the word retard in a joke. 472 00:19:14,079 --> 00:19:18,279 See what I'm doing? Senator Hallowes is responsible for retardgate. 473 00:19:18,359 --> 00:19:20,759 Are you like a guy trying to be clever? 474 00:19:20,839 --> 00:19:23,839 'Cause you seem like a guy who thinks he's being clever. 475 00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:25,559 Take a good look at me okay? 476 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:27,640 Now ask yourself something, Mike. 477 00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:31,079 Is the man you're looking at gonna be in a position a year from now 478 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:32,680 working above you or below you? 479 00:19:32,759 --> 00:19:34,880 'Cause all ambition you had left your body a long time ago 480 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:37,799 and now all you've got left in the last 10 remaining years of your working life 481 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:41,559 is a damp apartment, cold crab cakes, and an invisible fucking dog. 482 00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:45,400 Do you want to follow this plan or not? Make a calculation, buddy. 483 00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:47,640 Um... 484 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:50,839 In your poly-sci B.A., did you ever learn how to write a press release? 485 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:52,480 - I think I might have heard of that. - Let me teach you. 486 00:19:52,559 --> 00:19:54,039 Okay. 487 00:19:54,119 --> 00:19:57,119 Did Jonah leave? Is he gone with that condolence card? 488 00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:58,720 Yeah, he just left. 489 00:19:58,799 --> 00:20:03,160 'Cause I think that I signed my name. 490 00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:04,839 - What? - Not Selina's name, my name. 491 00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:06,359 Okay, whoa, whoa. Okay, wait. 492 00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:08,799 How sure are you on a scale of one to 10? Like one is the... 493 00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:11,119 Yeah, yeah, I can work out how the fucking scale will go, Gary. 494 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,559 - Uh, nine. - That's almost a full 10. 495 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:16,480 - Yeah, I signed my name. - Oh, father. 496 00:20:16,559 --> 00:20:18,240 It's gonna look like the VEEP couldn't be bothered to sign 497 00:20:18,319 --> 00:20:21,200 a condolence card for one of the most respected perverts in the Senate. 498 00:20:21,279 --> 00:20:22,960 If I were writing a memoir, which I'm not, 499 00:20:23,039 --> 00:20:26,440 but if I were, whew, this would be a big moment. 500 00:20:26,519 --> 00:20:28,400 No one can know about this. 501 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:30,000 - She cannot know about this. - Sue: Duh. 502 00:20:30,079 --> 00:20:32,920 - No, no, no, Gary! - Gary, what are you doing? 503 00:20:34,279 --> 00:20:38,319 Gary: So sorry. I just need to tell you somethg. 504 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,440 What the fuck, Amy? 505 00:20:53,599 --> 00:20:57,079 I am putting out two fires in there, 506 00:20:57,160 --> 00:21:02,240 and I turn around to find out that you have set fire to the fucking fire truck. 507 00:21:02,319 --> 00:21:04,079 Sorry, sorry, sorry. 508 00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:08,079 The level of incompetence in this office is staggering. 509 00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:11,640 We are going to get the card back and replace it with a new one. 510 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:13,599 - Yeah, that's right. - Simple. 511 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:17,640 You're gonna get on it. You are going to shut this the fuck down, okay? 512 00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:22,720 Because I am busy in there apologizing to that... 513 00:21:22,799 --> 00:21:24,680 Fucktard. 514 00:21:26,799 --> 00:21:30,519 God! Okay. It's fine. 515 00:21:32,839 --> 00:21:35,279 Mr. Burton. I am so sorry. 516 00:21:35,359 --> 00:21:39,119 We're having a complicated day here. 517 00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:41,400 I'm not happy about having to give this press briefing. 518 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:43,759 Yeah, and of course your happiness is top of my agenda, 519 00:21:43,839 --> 00:21:45,519 right above climate control and child trafficking. 520 00:21:45,599 --> 00:21:47,519 Oh, my gosh, is this gonna become like "Moonlighting" 521 00:21:47,599 --> 00:21:49,240 where we fall in love and start fucking? 522 00:21:50,359 --> 00:21:53,759 Amy: Gary is going to go to Jonah's office 523 00:21:53,839 --> 00:21:57,160 and somewhat surreptitiously get the card back. 524 00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:00,160 I don't have a coat. I need to hide the card. There's coffee on my coat. 525 00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:01,880 Sue: You can borrow my coat. 526 00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:03,880 Thank you, Sue. Thank you, Sue. 527 00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:05,480 - Thanks, Sue. - Solution, Sue. 528 00:22:05,559 --> 00:22:07,559 - Of course. There's some solutions. - Thank you. 529 00:22:10,079 --> 00:22:12,039 Thank you so much. That was really kind of you. 530 00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:16,839 First of all, you should put the hood down. 531 00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:19,480 I wasn't going to put the hood up. 532 00:22:19,559 --> 00:22:23,559 Well, good luck, Gary. I am convinced that you can probably do this. 533 00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:25,720 Thank you. 534 00:22:25,799 --> 00:22:27,559 Sue: Want me to ring through, tell them you're coming? 535 00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:29,960 - No, my God! - Okay, okay, a joke. 536 00:22:30,039 --> 00:22:32,200 Hello. Lightening the mood here. 537 00:22:32,279 --> 00:22:35,319 - Oh, my God. - Amy, come up with a plan B. 538 00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:36,680 Okay? 'Cause... 539 00:22:42,839 --> 00:22:46,279 ( inhales ) 540 00:22:53,359 --> 00:22:55,039 Gary? 541 00:22:58,200 --> 00:22:59,599 Jonah. 542 00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:01,440 Are you here to steal the incorrectly-signed card? 543 00:23:01,519 --> 00:23:04,640 - Come on, no. - This looks really bad. 544 00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:06,839 - It's not bad. - Gary, I'm a friend of yours. 545 00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:10,440 I don't think you are. 546 00:23:10,519 --> 00:23:11,960 - At all. - I'm just kidding. 547 00:23:12,039 --> 00:23:14,599 Gary, loosen up, okay? I'm gonna give you the card, all right? 548 00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:16,960 Alright. To be honest, I was a little scared. 549 00:23:17,039 --> 00:23:18,480 - ( laughs ) - Yeah, yeah. 550 00:23:18,559 --> 00:23:20,880 - There it is. - Thank you. 551 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:22,359 - It's just really... - Okay. 552 00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:24,880 - I'm sorry. - Let's just get to the bad part. 553 00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:26,559 Let's just get to the bad part 'cause I know you got one. 554 00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:29,440 I don't like tension. I got acid reflux. Let's get to the bad part. 555 00:23:29,519 --> 00:23:32,039 I want Amy to go on a date with me tonight. 556 00:23:32,119 --> 00:23:35,079 Okay, okay, okay. That's impossible. 557 00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:37,000 Don't worry about it, okay? We're not gonna have sex, all right? 558 00:23:37,079 --> 00:23:39,720 - Because she hates me. - Okay. Uh-huh. 559 00:23:39,799 --> 00:23:41,480 - But Amy's an eight. - Okay. 560 00:23:41,559 --> 00:23:44,160 And if all the other eights that I do want to have sex with 561 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:46,160 see that I am eight-capable, 562 00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:48,839 then I'm going to be having sex with an eight very soon. 563 00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:50,920 It is intern season, Gary. 564 00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:55,279 - Do I look like a pimp to you? - You look exactly like a pimp. 565 00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:59,799 Dan, waiting for some crumbs to fall? 566 00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:01,319 - Fuck off. - Sue: Uh, no. 567 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:02,799 Got to talk to her for one moment, please. 568 00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:04,799 No, she's actually really burdened right now with a bunch of... 569 00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:06,680 Sue, it'll take one second, literally. 570 00:24:06,759 --> 00:24:11,279 - Mike, she's spinning. - Oh, okay. I'll come back. 571 00:24:16,119 --> 00:24:18,079 Hey, what's up, pumpkin? 572 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:19,960 What the fuck are you still doing here? 573 00:24:20,039 --> 00:24:21,960 Vice President asked me to stop by. 574 00:24:22,039 --> 00:24:23,759 Right. 575 00:24:23,839 --> 00:24:26,200 ( chants ) Go, Gary. Go, go, go, Gary. 576 00:24:26,279 --> 00:24:29,039 - Go, Gary. - Well done, buddy. 577 00:24:29,119 --> 00:24:30,720 - No, you didn't. - Yes. 578 00:24:30,799 --> 00:24:32,200 - You got it? - Yes, I did. 579 00:24:32,279 --> 00:24:34,839 Wow, Gary. Good for you. 580 00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:36,319 Good for... oh. Excuse me. 581 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:38,039 Hey, all right. 582 00:24:38,119 --> 00:24:40,000 Yeah, although I did have to make a deal with Jonah. 583 00:24:40,079 --> 00:24:42,519 Amy's got to go on a date with him tonight. 584 00:24:42,599 --> 00:24:44,559 - ( laughing ) - Oh, no, she's not. 585 00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:46,119 Well, he doesn't want to have sex with you. 586 00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:47,799 He just wants dinner and a movie. 587 00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:50,200 No, Amy is not going on a date with Jonah. 588 00:24:50,279 --> 00:24:53,599 Get a grip. It's a date and no sex. 589 00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:56,119 For me, that was 12 years of marriage. 590 00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:58,960 - I'll get you guys a motel. - Ugh. 591 00:24:59,039 --> 00:25:00,759 Selina: Oh, God, no! 592 00:25:00,839 --> 00:25:03,240 Make a hole! Make a hole! Make a hole! 593 00:25:03,319 --> 00:25:05,119 - Oh, my God. - Look at this. 594 00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:08,279 - What? What? - The President already signed this one. 595 00:25:08,359 --> 00:25:11,680 Okay? We're gonna have to forge the President's signature on the new one. 596 00:25:11,759 --> 00:25:13,160 Gary: Well, that's a capital offense. 597 00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:17,039 Yeah, you could be legally electrocuted for doing that, just so you know. 598 00:25:17,119 --> 00:25:19,440 I'm not here. I have plausible deniability. 599 00:25:19,519 --> 00:25:24,319 Dan: Look, I'll do it. I got it. The key is you do it upside down. 600 00:25:25,759 --> 00:25:29,079 That is extraordinary. Is there anything you can't do? 601 00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:31,319 Amy: Foreplay, direct sunlight. 602 00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:34,359 - Ma'am, I am at your service. - Um, Amy, yes. 603 00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:36,480 I wanted to talk to you about this. 604 00:25:36,559 --> 00:25:39,440 I have offered Dan a permanent post 605 00:25:39,519 --> 00:25:41,279 - here in the office. - Okay. 606 00:25:41,359 --> 00:25:43,240 - Great. - Not a problem. 607 00:25:43,319 --> 00:25:45,000 - I'll get the BlackBerry fired up. - Sounds good to me. 608 00:25:45,079 --> 00:25:47,440 Here we go. 609 00:25:47,519 --> 00:25:49,279 - Do you have a second? - Sure. 610 00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:52,720 - You hired him? - Mm-hmm. 611 00:25:52,799 --> 00:25:54,319 You hired the biggest bastard in D.C.? 612 00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:57,079 Oh, yeah, well, I'm fluent in bastard. Okay? It's one of my languages. 613 00:25:57,160 --> 00:26:00,000 Amy, I used Dan to get what I wanted. 614 00:26:00,079 --> 00:26:03,119 He used you to get what he wanted. 615 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:05,480 Uh-uh, no. I definitely used him. 616 00:26:05,559 --> 00:26:07,440 I'm the user, and he's the usee. 617 00:26:07,519 --> 00:26:10,119 Okay, Amy, here we go. 618 00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:12,000 Shrimp Linguini and a porno. 619 00:26:12,079 --> 00:26:13,960 Oh, hey. I'm just kidding. 620 00:26:14,039 --> 00:26:15,599 It's chicken Linguini. I'll be over here. 621 00:26:15,680 --> 00:26:18,640 Dan is manipulative. He is cunning. 622 00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:21,480 I know. That's why I hired him. Why aren't you listening to me? 623 00:26:21,559 --> 00:26:24,680 In six months, when all this bullshit dies down, 624 00:26:24,759 --> 00:26:27,279 we're gonna put an oil guy on the clean jobs commission. 625 00:26:27,359 --> 00:26:29,240 You're pouring oil on clean jobs? 626 00:26:29,319 --> 00:26:32,240 Oh, please, please, Amy, grow up. 627 00:26:32,319 --> 00:26:35,400 This is how they solved the Cuban missile crisis. This is my Cuba. 628 00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:38,839 Did Dan tell you that this is your Cuba? He's such a shit. 629 00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:40,400 I know, that's what I'm trying to tell you. 630 00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:44,079 You sold him to me as a shit and that's why I hired him. 631 00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:47,400 He's shitty me, okay? I need a shit. 632 00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:51,039 - You are so going to regret... - Amy, I need a shit. 633 00:26:51,119 --> 00:26:53,279 - Knock, knock. Hello. - Hello. 634 00:26:53,359 --> 00:26:56,480 Bob Jeffries of the Plastics and Cellulose Association. 635 00:26:56,559 --> 00:26:57,960 - Madam Vice President. - How do you do? 636 00:26:58,039 --> 00:26:59,599 - Please, come into my office. - Thank you so much. 637 00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:01,200 Do you know that I have my own flag? 638 00:27:01,279 --> 00:27:03,960 Well, I hope that's one of our cellulose flags. 639 00:27:04,039 --> 00:27:05,799 Oh, you're too much. 640 00:27:13,720 --> 00:27:15,799 Jonah: Your chariot awaits. 641 00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:19,079 So, yeah, grab your coat. 642 00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:21,720 Okay, little Jack Horner, there you are. 643 00:27:21,799 --> 00:27:23,559 You got a brand-new desk in the corner. 644 00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:25,039 Follow me, I've got a beautiful spot 645 00:27:25,119 --> 00:27:28,039 for your adoring photo of girlfriend Carol Hallowes. 646 00:27:28,119 --> 00:27:29,720 Actually, she's not my girlfriend anymore. 647 00:27:29,799 --> 00:27:31,880 I just broke up with her about 15 minutes ago via text. 648 00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:34,680 - Well, cold and rather nerdy. - Actually, it was an app. 649 00:27:34,759 --> 00:27:37,519 All right, move out. Slick's moving in. 650 00:27:37,599 --> 00:27:41,000 Selina: Gary, can we get two coffees in here? 651 00:27:41,079 --> 00:27:42,880 No sweeteners. 652 00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:44,920 - Gary: No sweeteners? - Sugar. 653 00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:47,119 - No sweeteners? - No sweeteners. Sugar. 654 00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:54,720 Touch me and you lose a finger. And a ball. 655 00:27:54,799 --> 00:27:56,279 Funny story. I was at the White House this morning 656 00:27:56,359 --> 00:27:58,119 And the president saw I was eating trail mix. 657 00:27:58,200 --> 00:27:59,839 So I said, "do you like trail mix?"