1 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:12,880 You know, democracy is fantastic, but it is also fucking dull. 2 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:14,839 It doesn't even look like they're gonna break a tie. 3 00:00:14,919 --> 00:00:16,480 Selina does not even have to be here. 4 00:00:16,559 --> 00:00:19,239 Oh, my God. Is she falling asleep? 5 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:21,480 No, she cannot fall asleep on live TV. 6 00:00:21,559 --> 00:00:24,120 Not on C-SPAN. The irony would be too huge. 7 00:00:24,199 --> 00:00:26,359 - Come on, come on, come on, come on. - Are you really waving? 8 00:00:26,440 --> 00:00:28,800 She cannot see you through the TV. Most of us learn that when we're four. 9 00:00:28,879 --> 00:00:30,559 We can call her. The vibrations will wake her up. 10 00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:32,119 - ( phone ringing ) - No, she's not gonna fall asleep. 11 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:34,439 It's probably just us who have noticed. 12 00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:38,679 No, Clive, no. She is not falling asleep. 13 00:00:38,759 --> 00:00:41,159 No, it is just very warm down there. 14 00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:42,799 - Whoa, head jerk. Just head jerked. - Okay. 15 00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:45,520 ( theme music playing ) 16 00:00:55,479 --> 00:00:57,840 Mike: You sure you set this meeting for 8:00 a.m. Today? 17 00:00:57,920 --> 00:01:00,280 Am I sure? 18 00:01:00,359 --> 00:01:03,000 Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Okay, of course you did. 19 00:01:03,079 --> 00:01:04,760 Of course. Please, stop staring at me like that. 20 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:08,000 - Undressing me with your eyes. - I'm adding more clothes, Mike. 21 00:01:08,079 --> 00:01:10,239 Clean jobs almost ready for liftoff, right? 22 00:01:10,319 --> 00:01:11,879 A little more detail work, but yes. 23 00:01:11,959 --> 00:01:13,480 I do think that we can start the countdown. 24 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:15,959 - Okay, well, get your spacesuits on. - ( laughing ) 25 00:01:16,039 --> 00:01:17,439 You know, speaking of spacesuits, 26 00:01:17,519 --> 00:01:20,599 I met Buzz Aldrin at a book signing. You know what really freaks those guys out? 27 00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:24,480 Seeing 17 dawns in a matter of 24 hours. Okay. 28 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:26,439 - Good morning. - Morning, ma'am. 29 00:01:26,519 --> 00:01:27,959 How is my day looking, Sue? 30 00:01:28,039 --> 00:01:31,799 You have one community college meeting this afternoon. 31 00:01:33,158 --> 00:01:34,560 - Is that it? - Yes. 32 00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:36,079 No, no, no, no. That's not right. ( clicking ) 33 00:01:36,158 --> 00:01:38,719 Uh, okay, wait a minute. What happens if you scroll down? 34 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:46,200 - How about if you scroll up? - That's the past, ma'am. 35 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:50,799 - What's he for? - Mike's your 8:00. 36 00:01:50,878 --> 00:01:54,319 We're talking about your speech for the firefighter's association tonight. 37 00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:56,799 - Hey, where is Dan? - I have been trying him all morning. 38 00:01:56,878 --> 00:01:59,239 - He's not been picking up. - I don't like that. 39 00:01:59,319 --> 00:02:01,159 Probably sending photos of his dick to himself. 40 00:02:01,239 --> 00:02:03,120 Left him a voicemail. Called him a name. 41 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:05,079 - Just a little thing we do. - Mike! 42 00:02:05,159 --> 00:02:08,038 So here's what I'm thinking. We need to open with a funny joke. 43 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:09,840 Solid narrative throughout it, 44 00:02:09,919 --> 00:02:12,680 into which I would like to pepper, like, five zingers. 45 00:02:12,759 --> 00:02:15,360 - No problemo. McClintock gold. - Okay. Good. 46 00:02:15,439 --> 00:02:17,560 I thought for the opener we'd do a little self-deprecating joke 47 00:02:17,639 --> 00:02:19,719 - about your snooze in the Senate. - No. 48 00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:21,879 - Want to hear it? - No. 49 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:25,000 Okay. Yeah, it doesn't matter. Okay, here you go, first home run. 50 00:02:25,079 --> 00:02:27,280 Firefighters have a passion for their work. 51 00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:31,680 Arsonists just have a burning desire. ( laughs ) 52 00:02:31,759 --> 00:02:34,400 - Is that even a joke? - Yeah, it's a word play or a parody. 53 00:02:34,478 --> 00:02:36,680 - Mmm. - Okay, doesn't matter. 54 00:02:36,759 --> 00:02:38,159 - Got another one. - All right. 55 00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:40,520 Ladders, obviously germane to the firefighting business. 56 00:02:40,599 --> 00:02:43,240 You go, "firefighters are always climbing ladders 57 00:02:43,319 --> 00:02:45,199 and in politics you're always..." 58 00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:47,520 and this, I don't even know what I wrote, but it's basically 59 00:02:47,599 --> 00:02:50,560 you're taking steps to 60 00:02:50,639 --> 00:02:52,599 get somewhere but without a ladder... 61 00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:54,840 Yeah, this is not making me laugh at all. 62 00:02:54,918 --> 00:02:56,360 We'll bring that one back when it's ready. 63 00:02:56,439 --> 00:02:58,439 Okay, "fire safety guy asked me the other day," 64 00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:00,560 and this is your voice... "do I smoke in bed? 65 00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:03,439 And I said, 'I've never had any complaints.'" 66 00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:05,319 ( laughs ) 67 00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:06,879 Too shock? Too shock? 68 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:09,000 Okay, this is kind of a half an idea. 69 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:11,560 All right, so the idea is if you're a fireman 70 00:03:11,639 --> 00:03:13,599 putting a wet blanket on something... 71 00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:16,000 - You are late. - Yes, and I am incredibly sorry. 72 00:03:16,079 --> 00:03:19,360 I was not in my own apartment last night. I just... I overslept. 73 00:03:19,439 --> 00:03:22,240 Having a massive stroke is an excuse for coming in late to this office. 74 00:03:22,319 --> 00:03:23,800 Having sex is absolutely not, Dan. 75 00:03:23,879 --> 00:03:26,000 Quite right, ma'am. Although, in my defense, 76 00:03:26,079 --> 00:03:28,478 - I didn't even think you'd be here. - Why? 77 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:31,039 Well, there's the briefing on the fiscal responsibility bill at the White House. 78 00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:32,520 I just assumed you'd be there. 79 00:03:32,599 --> 00:03:34,439 I wasn't invited. What? 80 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:36,400 - This is happening... - Right now. 81 00:03:36,478 --> 00:03:40,360 Fuck that potus. He did this with the defense budget briefing two weeks ago. 82 00:03:40,439 --> 00:03:42,639 God. Where is Amy? 83 00:03:42,719 --> 00:03:45,159 - You get a gag on top of... - Mike! 84 00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:46,800 Why didn't I know about this?! 85 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:51,719 I'm going. They can't keep me out of there. 86 00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:00,400 Hey, ma'am, I'm right here. Can I get you something? 87 00:04:00,479 --> 00:04:02,319 You got rollerblades? 88 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:07,759 I'm coming in. 89 00:04:14,159 --> 00:04:15,719 Okay. Good. 90 00:04:21,759 --> 00:04:23,319 Hi, guys. 91 00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:27,360 - Fiscal responsibility. - It's ridiculous. 92 00:04:27,439 --> 00:04:29,319 Are you kidding me? Not one of those guys 93 00:04:29,399 --> 00:04:31,759 has paid for their own lunch in like a decade. 94 00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:34,199 I think I made a big point by being there. 95 00:04:34,279 --> 00:04:36,720 - Big point. - I was breathing heavily, though. 96 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:38,839 You don't think anyone noticed that, do you? 97 00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:40,480 Bob Lewis has got emphysema. 98 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:42,040 Sounds like a broken-down leaf blower. 99 00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:44,319 - He does. - ( low growling ) 100 00:04:44,399 --> 00:04:46,759 That is an actually uncanny impression of him. 101 00:04:46,839 --> 00:04:48,360 - Madam Vice President. - Yeah? 102 00:04:48,439 --> 00:04:49,879 - Oh, hi, Jonah. - Hey, Jonah. 103 00:04:49,959 --> 00:04:51,360 - You coming to see us? - Oh, no. 104 00:04:51,439 --> 00:04:54,360 I had to take a personal hour. I have a nutritionist appointment. 105 00:04:54,439 --> 00:04:57,040 - Oh, hope you're okay. - It'll be fine. 106 00:04:57,120 --> 00:04:59,159 I'm fructose intolerant. 107 00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:01,360 - Fructose? - Fruit sugars. 108 00:05:01,439 --> 00:05:03,000 - It's very rare. - Oh. 109 00:05:03,079 --> 00:05:05,000 - Well, good luck with all that. - Thank you. 110 00:05:07,959 --> 00:05:10,600 Just when you thought he couldn't get any weirder, he did. 111 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:11,920 My God. 112 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:17,360 Oh, uh, sorry about earlier. 113 00:05:17,439 --> 00:05:19,040 I thought you were in the chair. 114 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:21,720 Okay, you know what? I'm gonna need a meeting with everybody. 115 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,839 I need a coffee. 116 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:25,879 Here's the deal. 117 00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:27,680 The President is avoiding me. 118 00:05:27,759 --> 00:05:29,519 Maybe he's just flakey like Gary's feet. 119 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:32,000 No, I know him. He hates confrontation, 120 00:05:32,079 --> 00:05:34,319 and obviously there is something that he needs to confront me about. 121 00:05:34,399 --> 00:05:37,519 I mean, am I still getting unequivocal support on clean jobs? 122 00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:41,680 I need some good, solid White House intel on this. 123 00:05:41,759 --> 00:05:43,240 - Yup, the whitegeist. - Right. 124 00:05:43,319 --> 00:05:44,879 - I'm on it. - Good. Okay. 125 00:05:44,959 --> 00:05:46,720 - Please, please. - Okay. Okay. 126 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:48,720 I'm gonna check and see if this fireman thing tonight 127 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:50,199 is getting mentioned anywhere. 128 00:05:50,279 --> 00:05:51,800 - Whoa, are you self-googling? - Yeah. 129 00:05:51,879 --> 00:05:53,680 We have guys in the office to do that, ma'am. 130 00:05:53,759 --> 00:05:56,759 I wouldn't search on your name or your nicknames, really. 131 00:05:56,839 --> 00:06:00,240 My nicknames? Gary, what are my nicknames? 132 00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:05,199 There's just some nicknames that it's necessary 133 00:06:05,279 --> 00:06:08,759 for us to search on to kind of pick up on blog coverage. 134 00:06:08,839 --> 00:06:11,560 - But, I mean, like what? - Uh, okay. 135 00:06:11,639 --> 00:06:15,120 There's one that has to do with the legislation you did 136 00:06:15,199 --> 00:06:16,879 to support women breast feeding in public. 137 00:06:16,959 --> 00:06:18,480 - That was good legislation. - It was good legislation. 138 00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:20,519 - Mammary Meyer. - Oh, please. 139 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:23,600 - Like that. - Are there others? 140 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:26,920 Oh, really? Okay. 141 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:30,040 Grisly Madam, She-ra, Meyer the Liar, 142 00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:32,040 the Batcave, Pissface. 143 00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:34,720 Wicked Witch of the West Wing, Veep Throat, 144 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:36,839 VoldeMeyer, Dickless Van Dyke, 145 00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:40,000 Tawdry Hepburn, Blunder Woman, Selina Meh. 146 00:06:40,079 --> 00:06:41,680 Pissface? Huh? 147 00:06:41,759 --> 00:06:43,639 - No, not that one. - ( laughs ) 148 00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:45,800 Mike: Vaselina, Betty Poop. 149 00:06:45,879 --> 00:06:49,000 People attack you because they think you're beautiful and you're smart. 150 00:06:49,079 --> 00:06:51,720 You got the most nicknames when you were on the cover of "Vogue." 151 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:54,480 I remember that. They were just jealous. Remember that? 152 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:56,800 - Mike: They called you Goofy Smile. - Gary Let's not get into it. 153 00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:01,079 Hmm, bummer. Looks like your girlfriend 154 00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:03,120 didn't get the chief of staff job with the speaker. 155 00:07:03,199 --> 00:07:05,040 Guess I don't have to buy a hat now. 156 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:07,079 Hat? Oh, wedding? 157 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,519 ( scoffs ) No. 158 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:11,040 Put a lot of time in on Alice. 159 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:12,800 I was deliberately late for work because I wanted her 160 00:07:12,879 --> 00:07:14,560 to believe that she was more important to me than my job. 161 00:07:14,639 --> 00:07:16,560 - She fall for that? - I doubt it. 162 00:07:16,639 --> 00:07:18,560 But it's the thought that counts. She appreciates the gesture 163 00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:20,199 of me trying to trick her into believing that. 164 00:07:20,279 --> 00:07:22,160 That is so romantic. 165 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:25,079 Sadly, the beautiful thing we had faded very suddenly 166 00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:28,199 - eight minutes ago. - So who's next? 167 00:07:28,279 --> 00:07:30,639 Which strategically useful young woman will get to witness 168 00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:33,720 your two-hour morning skin care regime? 169 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:40,959 You like this place? I love this place. 170 00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:45,279 Yeah. No frills. Not a single frill. 171 00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:47,519 When they bring out the bread, you check it out. 172 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:50,040 It is a fuckload of bread. Believe me, you could feed a family, 173 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:52,399 like a fat family off the fuckload of bread alone. 174 00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:54,360 Think I'm gonna get an orange juice. You want one? 175 00:07:54,439 --> 00:07:56,040 Oh, no. No way, dude. Fructose. 176 00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:00,240 So clean jobs is looking pretty exciting. 177 00:08:00,319 --> 00:08:02,000 What about the White House? They as stoked as we are? 178 00:08:02,079 --> 00:08:04,079 Hey, man, yeah. I'm out of the office. I don't want to talk shop. 179 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:08,079 Oh, right, right, yeah. Just punched out. Just two guys hanging. 180 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:10,199 - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. I like hanging with you. 181 00:08:10,279 --> 00:08:11,759 - Thanks, man. - Yeah. 182 00:08:11,839 --> 00:08:15,360 - It's too bad Amy doesn't. - Please, she's just fucking jealous. 183 00:08:15,439 --> 00:08:17,279 I mean, come on, since you guys went out you've been getting action, right? 184 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:20,720 Oh, mad action. I got a cock like a cappuccino frother. 185 00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:23,480 One of the big ones. The industrial ones, not the little ones. 186 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:25,360 Thanks, Joe. 187 00:08:25,439 --> 00:08:27,879 ( softly ) Fuck, yeah. 188 00:08:27,959 --> 00:08:30,720 What did I tell you? That's like two grain silos fucked right there. 189 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:33,879 Yup, that's a regular 8granary gangbang. 190 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,720 Oh, dude, did you hear that fucking bullshit 191 00:08:35,799 --> 00:08:38,440 that Max Geldray is saying that potus is avoiding Selina? 192 00:08:38,519 --> 00:08:40,440 Max Geldray knows shit about shit. 193 00:08:40,519 --> 00:08:43,799 The only intel he has is on his fucking PC. 194 00:08:43,879 --> 00:08:45,960 Intel, that's a brand of microprocessor. 195 00:08:46,039 --> 00:08:47,440 - Strong joke. - Potus. 196 00:08:47,519 --> 00:08:49,240 he knows clean jobs has traction. 197 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:50,720 - ( phone ringing ) - Senator Macauley, 198 00:08:50,799 --> 00:08:53,759 he'd sponsor that bill in a heartbeat. He's got a big veiny boner for it. 199 00:08:55,679 --> 00:08:58,240 Oh, shit. They need me back at the West Wing like now. 200 00:08:58,320 --> 00:08:59,960 - What, did we declare war? - No, it's worse. 201 00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:03,320 Interactive tourist section of the website is down. 202 00:09:03,399 --> 00:09:05,519 Hey, there's this extreme metal band playing over at Labyrinth's tonight. 203 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:08,600 Just real fucked up noise. They don't even have a name. 204 00:09:08,679 --> 00:09:10,240 - You want to check it out? - Yeah, man. 205 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:13,200 Let's go catch some decibels. You cut me, I bleed metal. 206 00:09:13,279 --> 00:09:16,240 - Great. - And what would you like? 207 00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:17,799 To eat at a different fucking restaurant. 208 00:09:20,559 --> 00:09:23,000 ( sirens blaring ) 209 00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:25,799 Amy: So Mike's jokes didn't work? 210 00:09:25,879 --> 00:09:28,720 Selina: Yeah. I mean, firefighters are used to seeing people die, Amy, 211 00:09:28,799 --> 00:09:31,120 but not like that. 212 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,480 Selina: Listen, we have got to congratulate Martin on this. 213 00:09:33,559 --> 00:09:36,679 I mean, this is such a great draft of the clean jobs bill. 214 00:09:36,759 --> 00:09:38,440 Yeah, it's pretty much all here. We just need to... 215 00:09:38,519 --> 00:09:41,600 Up the stakes substantially? Noncompliance penalties, 216 00:09:41,679 --> 00:09:44,240 don't you think those should be greater? I think we should just go for it. 217 00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:45,879 I think we should just fine the fuckers 218 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,159 - till the fuckers aren't fine. - ( chuckles ) 219 00:09:51,879 --> 00:09:53,960 That was totally inappropriate. 220 00:09:54,039 --> 00:09:56,039 - Inappropriate. - Inappropriate. 221 00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:58,200 That's not the first time that that's happened, by the way. 222 00:09:58,279 --> 00:10:02,480 He's not supposed to register emotion. He's supposed to be like a robot geisha. 223 00:10:02,559 --> 00:10:04,200 s- I'll see to it. - Yeah. 224 00:10:04,279 --> 00:10:08,720 So we still don't know if this bill has unequivocal support from potus. 225 00:10:08,799 --> 00:10:11,159 Well, Dan is working intel on that. 226 00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:13,360 ( loud music playing ) 227 00:10:17,879 --> 00:10:19,360 - Hey. - Selina: Hey, Gary. 228 00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:21,399 I'm gonna head home. 229 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:23,879 - If it's okay. If I'm not needed. - Yeah, sure. 230 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:26,440 - What's in the bag? - I got my first zumba class tonight. 231 00:10:26,519 --> 00:10:28,200 - Oh. Neat. - I'm excited. 232 00:10:28,279 --> 00:10:30,039 Amy and I are gonna be working pretty late, I think. 233 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,679 Would you do me a favor? Could you go and pick up 234 00:10:32,759 --> 00:10:35,559 some of those takeout crab cakes from Levin's? 235 00:10:35,639 --> 00:10:37,360 - I love those. - Yeah. 236 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:39,240 That wouldn't spoil your plans, would it? 237 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:41,000 No, ma'am. 238 00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:43,840 Hey, Gary, what are some of the other nicknames? 239 00:10:43,919 --> 00:10:46,039 Oh, come on. This is masochism. 240 00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:47,720 No, it's not. I have very thick skin. 241 00:10:47,799 --> 00:10:49,519 I'm just interested, that's all. 242 00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:51,200 It's just various V.P. things. 243 00:10:51,279 --> 00:10:53,559 You know, like using the initials V.P. jokingly. 244 00:10:53,639 --> 00:10:56,080 - Like what? - Vaguely Personable. 245 00:10:56,159 --> 00:10:58,399 Viagra Prohibitor. Visible Panties. 246 00:10:58,480 --> 00:11:00,799 Viagra Prohibitor? ( laughs ) 247 00:11:00,879 --> 00:11:04,519 Why, because when a guy's with me he doesn't need Viagra? 248 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:06,799 No. 249 00:11:06,879 --> 00:11:09,480 It means that even if a guy uses it... 250 00:11:11,399 --> 00:11:14,360 It doesn't work? 251 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:16,840 They are saying that a prescription medication 252 00:11:16,919 --> 00:11:20,799 that is supposed to guarantee a strong and sustained erection 253 00:11:20,879 --> 00:11:23,600 in all men despite their age or their health 254 00:11:23,679 --> 00:11:26,879 is rendered ineffective by me? 255 00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:28,960 You know what? You no longer search on the nicknames. 256 00:11:29,039 --> 00:11:30,559 - You said you had thick skin. - God, no. 257 00:11:30,639 --> 00:11:32,840 - Wait, what about V-Pilf? - No, Gary. 258 00:11:32,919 --> 00:11:34,399 That's flattering. You know what that means? 259 00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:36,759 Vice President I Would Like to, you know, fool around with. 260 00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:38,240 - Fuck. - Okay. 261 00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:39,759 ( loud music playing ) 262 00:11:41,279 --> 00:11:44,519 Ah! This is fucking primordial. 263 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:47,399 You know what? You can't find these guys on fucking iTunes. 264 00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,600 - You know why? - 'Cause they don't have a name? 265 00:11:49,679 --> 00:11:51,440 'Cause they're not for fucking sale. 266 00:11:51,519 --> 00:11:53,279 Fucking listen to this. 267 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:56,519 This is fucking like being operated on by a chimp 268 00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:59,639 with a hard-on and a hacksaw. Radical stuff. 269 00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:04,159 Yeah. That's exactly how I feel about the clean jobs legislation. 270 00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:06,879 Has potus said anything about how high the agenda's gonna go? 271 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,759 All noises are good. I'm in a meeting tomorrow 272 00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:12,720 and it's definitely gonna get discussed. I'll call you. 273 00:12:12,799 --> 00:12:14,960 That would be awesome, man. Thank you. That's great. 274 00:12:15,039 --> 00:12:17,440 Pick up this round, I'll get the next one. And grab some nuts. 275 00:12:17,519 --> 00:12:19,840 I'm sweating all my minerals into my shorts here. 276 00:12:19,919 --> 00:12:22,120 Get some fucking nuts! 277 00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:29,039 You know, I've asked Dan and Mike to play devil's advocate 278 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:30,799 against this bill, assemble some arguments. 279 00:12:30,879 --> 00:12:32,480 You know, what people might say against it and stuff. 280 00:12:32,559 --> 00:12:34,240 Dan is a great choice. 281 00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:36,759 He is already a huge advocate of the devil's. 282 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:38,600 Potus needs some successes right now. 283 00:12:38,679 --> 00:12:40,080 He doesn't fix the economy soon, 284 00:12:40,159 --> 00:12:43,320 NASA's gonna have to build him an escape pod. 285 00:12:43,399 --> 00:12:45,120 I mean, how has he let this happen? 286 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:47,200 - God, if I were... - Mm-mmm. 287 00:12:47,279 --> 00:12:49,799 Don't say, "if I were President." It's the V.P. bear trap. 288 00:12:49,879 --> 00:12:53,399 Okay. I won't say it. I'll just think it. 289 00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:55,639 Thanks for working late tonight, Amy. 290 00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:57,720 Don't feel like you have to come in early tomorrow. 291 00:12:57,799 --> 00:13:00,480 - Okay, thanks. - But you will come in early, right? 292 00:13:00,559 --> 00:13:02,039 - Of course. - Yeah. 293 00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:04,679 Shit, Sidney Purcell. Should we go another way? 294 00:13:04,759 --> 00:13:06,360 No, I'm not scared of oil lobbyists. 295 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:08,399 - I'm only scared of two things. - Yeah, bats and Alzheimer's. 296 00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:11,039 Yeah, well remembered. Sidney Purcell. 297 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:13,279 Madam Vice President. So good to see you. 298 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:16,480 Guess what we were just doing? Polishing up the latest draft of clean jobs. 299 00:13:16,559 --> 00:13:19,240 You know, I am from oil, but that doesn't mean that I don't care deeply 300 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:22,279 about my children's future and, of course, their children's future. 301 00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:23,919 Speaking of children, I've got to go. 302 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:25,399 Catherine is waiting to Skype with me. 303 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:27,600 Great seeing you, as always, madam Vice President. 304 00:13:27,679 --> 00:13:29,360 - Okay, take care. - Bye-bye. 305 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:33,600 I don't have any children. I have a niece but I fucking hate her. 306 00:13:33,679 --> 00:13:35,120 How charming. I need to be getting home. 307 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:37,440 I wanted to tell you if you think that this bill of yours 308 00:13:37,519 --> 00:13:41,480 is gonna go the distance, than you must be even stupider than I think you are. 309 00:13:41,559 --> 00:13:44,799 And I should tell you, I think you're borderline developmentally disabled. 310 00:13:44,879 --> 00:13:49,200 This bill is a fucking disgrace and I'm gonna see to it personally 311 00:13:49,279 --> 00:13:52,279 that it gets chewed up like a dead prostitute in a wood chipper. 312 00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:54,320 Just wanted to let you know. 313 00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:59,919 You sure you're ready, Mr. Thrash Metal? 314 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:02,399 Heard you only got two hours of sleep last night. 315 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:05,080 Yeah, well, with how many times you've got to get up and pee, Mike, 316 00:14:05,159 --> 00:14:06,919 I think we're about even. 317 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:09,879 Hey, have you boys read the latest draft of clean jobs? 318 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:11,360 - Yes, ma'am. - Okay. 319 00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:13,519 So you've got your critiques all prepared? 320 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:16,440 - Mm-hmm. - Who's gonna go first? 321 00:14:16,519 --> 00:14:18,200 Ladies first. 322 00:14:18,279 --> 00:14:20,200 So you can be harsh. You don't need to hold back or anything. 323 00:14:20,279 --> 00:14:22,919 Sure. 324 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:24,360 This is class genocide. 325 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:29,200 This is... this... um, huh? 326 00:14:29,279 --> 00:14:31,679 This is rich white people and their rich white champion 327 00:14:31,759 --> 00:14:34,159 Selina Meyer demanding an unproven solution 328 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:37,240 to an unproven problem so they can sleep better at night. 329 00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:40,120 Who works for large polluting companies? 330 00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:42,639 Ordinary blue collar Americans. 331 00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:45,519 Who will get fired or have their wages cut to pay for these taxes? 332 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,559 Ordinary moms and dads. Who will suffer 333 00:14:47,639 --> 00:14:50,399 when these companies are no longer competitive 334 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:52,799 because of your high taxes and noncompliance penalties. 335 00:14:52,879 --> 00:14:56,080 This is cold, calculated, class genocide 336 00:14:56,159 --> 00:14:58,039 perpetrated by someone who is either evil 337 00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:02,240 or eligible to be held on a 5150 at a mental health facility. 338 00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:04,519 Shame on you, Selina Meyer. 339 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:07,960 Remember that name. No one will want to call their child by that name. 340 00:15:08,039 --> 00:15:10,879 There are no more Adolfs. Soon there will be no more Selinas. 341 00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:13,440 You are looking at the last Selina. 342 00:15:13,519 --> 00:15:15,840 The Selina who killed America. 343 00:15:18,799 --> 00:15:23,240 - Wow. - Oh, my God, Dan. 344 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:25,519 - No more Selinas? - Okay. 345 00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,200 Quiet, okay? I don't need to hear you. 346 00:15:29,799 --> 00:15:31,879 Mike? Oh. 347 00:15:38,639 --> 00:15:41,559 My chief criticism is that I don't fully understand it. 348 00:15:41,639 --> 00:15:43,879 - If I don't understand it... - All right, good job, dummy. 349 00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:45,799 Sit down. 350 00:15:49,559 --> 00:15:51,320 - Where's Selina? - She's on her way back from lunch. 351 00:15:52,679 --> 00:15:54,240 Selina: You know that trip to Paris? - Gary: Uh-huh. 352 00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:55,879 - It's on. - No! 353 00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,440 Oh, Amy, I have a quick q for you to a. 354 00:15:57,519 --> 00:15:59,759 - Quickly, then. - In diary hierarchy, 355 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:01,360 does the national resource committee meeting 356 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:02,840 trump the care for children's association? 357 00:16:02,919 --> 00:16:05,919 - Yes. - Okay, I will kill the children. 358 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,879 You know what would be perfect in Paris is that pink jacket you have. 359 00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:11,399 Ma'am! Ma'am! It's a fucking disaster. 360 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:13,320 What is? It could be a lot of things. 361 00:16:13,399 --> 00:16:16,600 The President is very eager to get the fiscal responsibility bill through. 362 00:16:16,679 --> 00:16:20,039 - So eager that... - Oh, shit, no. 363 00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:22,080 He wants all focus to be on that bill. 364 00:16:22,159 --> 00:16:24,480 He's dropped five other pieces of legislation. 365 00:16:24,559 --> 00:16:27,399 Clean jobs is one of them. 366 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:29,639 Oh, God. 367 00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:33,000 ( Gary groans ) 368 00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:34,919 - My clean jobs? - Yeah. 369 00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:36,840 Oh, son of a bitch. 370 00:16:36,919 --> 00:16:39,919 That president, he is a suffocating son of a bitch. 371 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,279 It's okay. 372 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:44,360 Had we not heard anything about this? 373 00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:47,759 Apparently there were rumblings in the blogs. 374 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,399 Why weren't we on it? 375 00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:51,799 They used a nickname, ma'am, and we were not searching on it. 376 00:16:51,879 --> 00:16:54,600 - Which one? - Mrs. DoubtMeyer. 377 00:16:54,679 --> 00:16:56,399 Well, you never mentioned that one. 378 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,480 Yeah, that means you're kind of slightly confused. 379 00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:01,240 You're oddly masculine. 380 00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:03,799 It's a shitty nickname. 381 00:17:03,879 --> 00:17:06,039 Well, I'm just not gonna accept this. 382 00:17:06,118 --> 00:17:08,640 Oh, my God. I'd have more power in my hands 383 00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:11,640 if I joined one of those moronic Segway tours of D.C. 384 00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:16,640 I mean, do you have any idea what I have lost here today? 385 00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:19,799 Do you? Really? 386 00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:22,519 Are you not gonna say anything? 387 00:17:22,598 --> 00:17:24,240 Jesus! 388 00:17:24,319 --> 00:17:26,118 Dan, did your boyfriend know anything about this? 389 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:28,480 I was trying to use Jonah for intelligence. 390 00:17:28,559 --> 00:17:31,359 That's like trying to use a croissant 391 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:33,319 - as a fucking dildo. - I thought... 392 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:34,960 No, no, no. Let me be more clear. 393 00:17:35,039 --> 00:17:38,880 It doesn't do the job and it makes a fucking mess! 394 00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:42,079 Get out of my office. 395 00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:46,720 - Gary! - Yes, ma'am? Yes, ma'am? 396 00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:48,839 - I need something. - Okay, is there anything specific? 397 00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:50,759 I don't fucking know. I just need something. 398 00:17:50,839 --> 00:17:52,359 I'll tell you what I'm going to do. 399 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:54,480 I'm gonna call that stupid potus myself. 400 00:17:54,559 --> 00:17:55,960 Seriously, I'm gonna tell him to shove it up his ass. 401 00:17:56,039 --> 00:17:58,880 - I don't see any reason... - Why don't we just wait this out, okay? 402 00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:01,920 ( mocking ) "Why don't we just wait this out?" Is that what you're gonna suggest? 403 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,319 Remind me never to get trapped inside a burning building with you, Mike. 404 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:06,119 - I'm very good in a fire. - Ma'am, if I may. 405 00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:09,359 I think I have an idea. What if we went to a friendly senator 406 00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:12,440 and suggested that he or she take the best parts of clean jobs... 407 00:18:12,519 --> 00:18:15,480 the sanctions on polluters, tax breaks for the good guys... 408 00:18:15,559 --> 00:18:20,079 then added that as an amendment to the fiscal responsibility bill? 409 00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:26,079 Well, that would get the meat of clean jobs through, wouldn't it? 410 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:28,079 It would also mean we'd go against the President's wishes. 411 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,200 - That's provocative, ma'am. - Yeah. 412 00:18:30,279 --> 00:18:32,400 Well, I feel like provoking someone. 413 00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:33,960 I really do, Mike. 414 00:18:34,039 --> 00:18:39,240 - I'm feeling very fucking provocative. - I'm aware of that, ma'am. 415 00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:42,480 The President won't like that. I can tell you that right now. 416 00:18:42,559 --> 00:18:45,000 - This is the bear trap. - I know, you're right. 417 00:18:45,079 --> 00:18:46,799 We can't do this. Can we? We can't. 418 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:49,880 We can do anything we want if we really want to. 419 00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:52,039 What is this? "Eat, Pray, fucking Love"? 420 00:18:52,119 --> 00:18:54,079 - Give me a minute. - I can't be seen 421 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:56,839 sneaking through legislation behind the President's back. 422 00:18:56,920 --> 00:18:59,880 I mean, that would be insane. It would be disloyal. 423 00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:02,759 Ma'am, Senator Macauley loves this bill and he may decide to do it anyway. 424 00:19:02,839 --> 00:19:05,799 Well, if Senator Macauley wants to do it himself, 425 00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:09,319 then that's great, you know? It's just that I can't be seen doing it. 426 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,799 Okay? Okay? 427 00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:14,440 I got you a bit of ice cream. I thought that might be just what you wanted. 428 00:19:14,519 --> 00:19:16,839 That is just exactly what I wanted. 429 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,240 - Would you get me some whipped cream? - Yeah, give me a minute. 430 00:19:20,599 --> 00:19:22,480 I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't 431 00:19:22,559 --> 00:19:24,079 because I didn't know if you already knew, 432 00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:25,559 but my loyalty is with potus. 433 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:27,880 Bullshit. You didn't know he was gonna roll over on clean jobs. 434 00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:31,160 - You had no fucking idea. - Dan, I had a fucking idea. 435 00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:33,759 You know what, Jonah? I don't think that we should see each other anymore. 436 00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:35,519 - Come on. - Sorry. 437 00:19:35,599 --> 00:19:38,680 So you're saying that just because I'm not as close 438 00:19:38,759 --> 00:19:40,400 to potus as you thought I was, 439 00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:42,240 that means that we can't hang out anymore? 440 00:19:42,319 --> 00:19:44,000 What I'm saying, you fucking ape, 441 00:19:44,079 --> 00:19:48,519 is that you are a useless waste of fucking carbon. 442 00:19:48,599 --> 00:19:50,160 I've been trying to cynically use you, 443 00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:53,240 but you're so fucking low-rent, you can't even be exploited. 444 00:19:53,319 --> 00:19:57,319 Not to mention the fact any restaurant that serves anything in a fuckload 445 00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:58,799 is not a nice restaurant. 446 00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:00,519 Where is the bread at this place, asshole? 447 00:20:00,599 --> 00:20:02,599 And you, you upstate New York dickshit... 448 00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:04,559 - Watch it. - I'll talk about upstate New York. 449 00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:07,240 You guys think you're fucking New York, but you're not. 450 00:20:07,319 --> 00:20:11,480 And you with your perpetual 5:00 shadow, you're not that great to be around. 451 00:20:11,559 --> 00:20:13,039 - ( scoffs ) - I don't like you, Dan. 452 00:20:13,119 --> 00:20:15,599 Really? I think you do. I think you're a little sweet on me, Jonah. 453 00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:18,359 - That's why you're so upset. - You know what, Dan? 454 00:20:20,079 --> 00:20:21,640 You're a fucking dick. 455 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:24,839 Well, careful when you go to sleep tonight, asshole. 456 00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:26,559 Maybe I'll sneak into your apartment with a bag of oranges 457 00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:28,039 and fructose you to death. 458 00:20:28,119 --> 00:20:30,039 ( sirens blaring ) 459 00:20:30,119 --> 00:20:33,000 Selina: Hey, we should send potus a postcard from Paris. 460 00:20:33,079 --> 00:20:36,079 What's the French for "shove it up your ass"? 461 00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:40,319 God, Parisian women really intimidate me. 462 00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:41,839 Why? 463 00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:45,359 I don't know. They're so Parisian. 464 00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:47,240 You're as stylish as any Parisian woman. 465 00:20:47,319 --> 00:20:48,839 Oh, thank you. 466 00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:52,559 - Oh, so are you. - Thank you. 467 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:55,039 That took too long, didn't it? 468 00:20:55,119 --> 00:20:56,880 - We can't go to Paris. - Shit. 469 00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:58,759 No, whoa, whoa. We got all those tours lined up. 470 00:20:58,839 --> 00:21:00,359 - What are you talk... - Be quiet. What? 471 00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:02,480 They're anticipating another tied vote in the Senate. 472 00:21:02,559 --> 00:21:04,759 You need to head back to preside again. It's gavel time. 473 00:21:04,839 --> 00:21:07,079 - What bill is it? - That was a play on "it's hammer time." 474 00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:09,559 I know. What bill is it? 475 00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:13,640 No. No. It's the Macauley amendment? 476 00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:16,000 Yeah. It's the meat of clean jobs. 477 00:21:16,079 --> 00:21:19,119 - Oh. - Which way are you gonna vote? 478 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:22,279 The way that my principles and conscience tell me to go. 479 00:21:22,359 --> 00:21:24,440 Okay. 480 00:21:24,519 --> 00:21:27,279 Which way do you think that should be? 481 00:21:27,359 --> 00:21:29,920 Look, you already know my feelings on this. 482 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:31,920 The President does not want 483 00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:34,079 the clean jobs amendment passed in any form. 484 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:37,200 - ( sighs loudly ) - Dan, talk, please. 485 00:21:37,279 --> 00:21:39,680 If it comes down to a tie, vote for. 486 00:21:39,759 --> 00:21:42,160 - You back your own policy. - Yeah? You think so? 487 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:44,279 - No. - Yes. 488 00:21:44,359 --> 00:21:48,000 So you are actually saying that you want me to destroy the policy 489 00:21:48,079 --> 00:21:49,599 that you and I have been working on for months, 490 00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:51,599 actually years if you think about it, Amy? 491 00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:53,359 - Yes. - Wow. 492 00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:55,000 All right, let me get this straight. 493 00:21:55,079 --> 00:21:58,400 So you, Dan, who are absolutely against this policy, 494 00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:01,799 don't say otherwise, you want me to vote for it. 495 00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:04,160 And you, Amy, who love this policy, 496 00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:06,440 you want me to vote against it. Yeah? 497 00:22:08,519 --> 00:22:12,200 This is some weird ass "through the looking glass" shit right now. 498 00:22:12,279 --> 00:22:13,519 - Vote against. - Vote for. 499 00:22:15,599 --> 00:22:17,160 Hey, ma'am. They need you on the floor. 500 00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:18,680 Oh, boy. Ahem. 501 00:22:18,759 --> 00:22:20,359 Okay, well... 502 00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:24,880 See you later, folks. 503 00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,640 Wish me luck. 504 00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:31,480 You got Macauley to add this amendment, didn't you? 505 00:22:31,559 --> 00:22:34,039 - I know you did. - Macauley is his own man. 506 00:22:34,119 --> 00:22:38,319 If you did this, you went against Selina's explicit orders 507 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:42,119 and you have put this entire office into a salad spinner of fuck. 508 00:22:46,039 --> 00:22:49,000 What, are you checking your fantasy fucking football scores? 509 00:22:49,079 --> 00:22:51,400 Get the fuck off it. 510 00:22:52,839 --> 00:22:56,359 Hey. Oh, man. What's she gonna do? 511 00:22:56,440 --> 00:22:59,000 What I said. 512 00:22:59,079 --> 00:23:03,319 On this vote, the yeas are 50 , the nays are 50. 513 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:05,079 The Senate being equally divided, 514 00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:08,480 the Vice President votes in the negative 515 00:23:08,559 --> 00:23:10,720 and the amendment is not agreed to. 516 00:23:10,799 --> 00:23:12,440 ( bangs gavel ) 517 00:23:14,519 --> 00:23:16,279 ( sighs ) 518 00:23:16,359 --> 00:23:18,920 Is this what I came into politics to do, Amy? 519 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:23,400 It's a rhetorical question. Obviously I didn't come into politics to do this. 520 00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:25,480 On a happy note, we reassigned 521 00:23:25,559 --> 00:23:28,079 - the smiling secret service guy. - Mmm. 522 00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:30,039 It's one less grinning idiot with a gun you have to worry about. 523 00:23:30,119 --> 00:23:32,160 - ( knocks ) Oh, God, what? 524 00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:34,759 - Sorry to disturb you, ma'am. - And yet you are disturbing me. 525 00:23:34,839 --> 00:23:36,680 Potus is anxious, after recent events, 526 00:23:36,759 --> 00:23:40,279 that you don't feel he's trying to nudge you out of the process of government. 527 00:23:40,359 --> 00:23:43,440 Oh, isn't that thoughtful, Amy? 528 00:23:43,519 --> 00:23:45,319 So he would like you to head up a program 529 00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:46,799 that is very important and very dear to his heart. 530 00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:50,240 No, no, no, no, no. 531 00:23:50,319 --> 00:23:51,759 You do not do this to me. 532 00:23:51,839 --> 00:23:56,319 Do not say that it is obesity. Do not say that to me. 533 00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:58,680 - It's obesity. - No, no. 534 00:23:58,759 --> 00:24:00,200 I'm sorry, ma'am, but you have drawn the fat straw. 535 00:24:00,279 --> 00:24:02,839 I will have all the relevant documents forwarded onto your team. 536 00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:05,240 Okay, it's your bedtime. Get out of my office. 537 00:24:05,319 --> 00:24:07,960 Good night. 538 00:24:08,039 --> 00:24:09,920 Oh, God. Amy. 539 00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:14,680 I mean, seriously. Are you believing this fucking day? 540 00:24:14,759 --> 00:24:16,960 I had to pull the plug on clean jobs, 541 00:24:17,039 --> 00:24:21,880 I'm about to go to France, and now he gives me obesity. 542 00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:25,119 My God. I'll tell you something else, too. 543 00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:27,000 This is deliberate, Amy. 544 00:24:27,079 --> 00:24:30,680 The President knows how uncomfortable I am made... 545 00:24:30,759 --> 00:24:32,839 ( whispers ) by fat people. 546 00:24:36,039 --> 00:24:38,440 You want to know the secret to keeping weight off? 547 00:24:38,519 --> 00:24:40,079 Shut your fucking pie hole. 548 00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:42,079 How about that? It's not rocket science. 549 00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:44,119 I'm not a nutritionist, am I? No, I'm not. 550 00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:46,920 But I do know one thing. You've got to put the corndog down, 551 00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:49,759 you've got to get up off your dead one, you've got to get moving. 552 00:24:49,839 --> 00:24:52,559 "Get moving" might actually be a good slogan for this damn thing. 553 00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:54,480 Oh, my God. It's weakness. That's really all it is. 554 00:24:54,559 --> 00:24:56,160 Pure and simple, it's weakness. 555 00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:57,880 It's about self-control. 556 00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:00,079 You don't masturbate in the subway, do you, Amy? 557 00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:02,519 No, you don't. Do you shit in the street, Amy? 558 00:25:02,599 --> 00:25:06,200 No, of course you don't. Because you've gotten a hold of yourself. 559 00:25:06,279 --> 00:25:07,759 And now I've got say what? I've got to say, 560 00:25:07,839 --> 00:25:09,400 "I'm the Vice President of the United States. 561 00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:11,759 Put the cupcake down." That's now my job? 562 00:25:11,839 --> 00:25:14,720 I... it's... 563 00:25:14,799 --> 00:25:16,400 Oh, for fuck's sakes. 564 00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:18,880 - Have you ever had a weight problem? - Yeah, I have.