1 00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:08,839 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:17,839 --> 00:00:20,760 - Am I all packed, Gary? - Yeah, we're all covered. 3 00:00:20,839 --> 00:00:23,440 The thing about Ohio is the weather is completely schizophrenic. 4 00:00:23,519 --> 00:00:25,239 - I know. - We dress you wrong, 5 00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:27,839 you're either freezing like a popsicle or you're sweating like a hog. 6 00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:30,719 - Or a ballerina or modern dancer. - Okay, it's fine. 7 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:32,640 Is there an indoor pool at this place? I packed my swimsuit. 8 00:00:32,719 --> 00:00:34,119 Why are you asking me that? 9 00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:36,640 And have we heard from the president on the economic forum? 10 00:00:36,719 --> 00:00:38,560 Uh, yeah. Last I heard, he was three over par. 11 00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:40,359 Huh? 12 00:00:40,439 --> 00:00:42,320 Oh, forum's not happening. Potus took a golf day. 13 00:00:42,399 --> 00:00:43,880 Do you know who he's playing golf with? 14 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:46,359 - No, who? - No, no, no, who? 15 00:00:46,439 --> 00:00:48,439 Oh, you don't know and you want me to find out. 16 00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:50,640 - Yeah, yeah. - Okay. Sorry. 17 00:00:50,719 --> 00:00:53,240 - Dan. Dan Egan. - Hey. 18 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:56,520 Good to see you again, buddy. I miss your emails. Long time no cc. 19 00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:58,000 Still up here in Cleveland, huh, Will? 20 00:00:58,079 --> 00:01:00,159 Just rutting around with the regional swine? 21 00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:04,040 - Slaving away for Furlong? - Well, I am the senior advisor now. 22 00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:06,239 So I get free wi-fi. I'll be going to D.C. a lot more. 23 00:01:06,319 --> 00:01:07,840 Oh, my God. With that provincial sensibility 24 00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:09,840 and that girlish figure, you're not gonna last. 25 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:12,680 Listen, Dan, the congressman expects your boss to endorse him for governor. 26 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:15,519 - Yeah, we're aware of that. - It's gotten a bit complex, all right? 27 00:01:15,599 --> 00:01:17,640 So the congressman would like to speak with you in his room. 28 00:01:17,719 --> 00:01:19,599 If you'd just join me, okay? 29 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:26,560 Ah, I recognize you. You're one of Selina's little gay dwarves, aren't you? 30 00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:28,680 What, are you sappy? Is that it? Preppy? 31 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:30,158 Actually, my name is Dan Egan. 32 00:01:30,239 --> 00:01:32,719 You might remember, actually, I used to work for congresswoman Hayes. 33 00:01:32,799 --> 00:01:34,680 Oh, my gosh, of course I don't remember that. 34 00:01:34,759 --> 00:01:37,319 Listen, I need your help, buddy. I need you to go back and tell Selina 35 00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:39,039 that I don't want her to endorse me for governor, okay? 36 00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:41,759 She's about as welcome here as a turd in a hot tub. 37 00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:45,680 Well, that could be a bit of an issue. 38 00:01:45,759 --> 00:01:49,719 We're trying to run a fundraiser and she's kind of toxic at the box office. 39 00:01:49,799 --> 00:01:52,680 We're having to bump our silver plates to gold plates, 40 00:01:52,759 --> 00:01:54,359 gold plates are going up to platinum plates. 41 00:01:54,439 --> 00:01:56,719 I'd make more money if I installed Will here 42 00:01:56,799 --> 00:01:59,640 as a full-time glory hole greeter at a Georgetown gay bar. 43 00:01:59,719 --> 00:02:01,400 Which I'm pretty sure he already does part-time. 44 00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:03,000 - Right, Will? - Yes, sir. 45 00:02:03,079 --> 00:02:04,640 - She's on her way here right now. - So what? 46 00:02:04,719 --> 00:02:06,120 There's plenty to do here in Cleveland. 47 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:07,680 Send her to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. 48 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:09,560 First time I took this kid, 49 00:02:09,639 --> 00:02:12,520 one look at Kurt Cobain's shoes, he was bawling like a fucking baby. 50 00:02:12,599 --> 00:02:15,120 "It's too soon! It's too soon!" 51 00:02:16,439 --> 00:02:19,079 Ma'am, Martin Collins, the secret service guy we reassigned... 52 00:02:19,159 --> 00:02:21,400 - Mm-hmm. - He's back. He's been un-reassigned. 53 00:02:21,478 --> 00:02:23,599 - Are you kidding me? - Not great, admittedly. 54 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:26,639 "Not great, admittedly"? That should be the title of my fucking memoir. 55 00:02:26,719 --> 00:02:29,840 He's not outside here, is he? Oh, hi! 56 00:02:29,919 --> 00:02:32,400 Oh, my! Okay, great. 57 00:02:32,478 --> 00:02:36,520 All right, that's all I want to say to him for the rest of my life. 58 00:02:36,599 --> 00:02:38,520 Hey, approval ratings just came through. 59 00:02:38,599 --> 00:02:40,400 - Oh. - 66 %. 60 00:02:40,478 --> 00:02:42,439 - What? - Approve. 61 00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:44,439 - Oh! - Sorry, disapprove. 62 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:45,960 - Oh. - Dis... 63 00:02:46,039 --> 00:02:49,240 You know what? You go ride with the security detail. 64 00:02:49,319 --> 00:02:51,199 There's no room for you in this car. 65 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:52,840 Furlong: She can thank the troops, 66 00:02:52,918 --> 00:02:54,319 she can charm all the mouth-breathers, 67 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:56,879 and then she can go back to D.C. No big deal. 68 00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:58,918 The one thing she will not be doing 69 00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:02,400 is standing up and endorsing me. You got me? 70 00:03:02,479 --> 00:03:04,400 I get the stamp of approval from her, 71 00:03:04,479 --> 00:03:06,520 and I might as well nail a bunch of puppies to the ground 72 00:03:06,599 --> 00:03:09,599 and then start running them over and crush their skulls with my campaign bus. 73 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:12,560 All due respect, we did have a... 74 00:03:12,639 --> 00:03:16,240 informal understanding that she would endorse your run for governor. 75 00:03:16,319 --> 00:03:18,039 All right, well, all due respect, cock nugget, 76 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:21,039 there's been a little too much of this informal understanding 77 00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:23,079 going on around here. Isn't that right, Will? 78 00:03:23,159 --> 00:03:25,319 Yes, sir. 79 00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:27,879 Clean jobs was your office, right? 80 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,800 And its role in the Macauley amendment. 81 00:03:29,879 --> 00:03:32,000 Getting Senator Macauley to sneak in the VP's 82 00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:35,079 lame-ass legislation against the president's will. 83 00:03:35,159 --> 00:03:38,079 Macauley thing, yeah, that didn't happen. 84 00:03:38,159 --> 00:03:39,800 Will, tell him who I am. 85 00:03:39,879 --> 00:03:42,319 Sir, you're the vice chair of the congressional oversight committee. 86 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:44,120 And in that capacity, I have a duty to shine a light 87 00:03:44,199 --> 00:03:47,360 on any of this kind of backseat, finger-fucking insider bullshit, Dan. 88 00:03:47,439 --> 00:03:52,439 Thank you for your time, congressman. I will do what I can. 89 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:54,879 Don't endorse. 90 00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:58,439 - She seems nice. - ( chuckles ) 91 00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:00,479 ( sirens blaring ) 92 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:02,840 Selina: 'Cause of that smiling secret service guy, Amy, 93 00:04:02,919 --> 00:04:04,520 66% disapprove. 94 00:04:04,599 --> 00:04:07,080 That's everyone in America who's awake right now. 95 00:04:07,159 --> 00:04:08,960 Amy: Okay, let's not concentrate on that today. 96 00:04:09,039 --> 00:04:10,599 Let's concentrate on Ohio. 97 00:04:13,039 --> 00:04:15,759 Selina: How could that many Americans not like me? 98 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:18,519 I think they got it wrong. They counted those numbers wrong or something. 99 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:21,160 Or all those Americans are completely wrong. 100 00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:24,120 Okay, this is the hotel manager. We promised him four seconds. 101 00:04:24,199 --> 00:04:26,439 Madam Vice President. Welcome to our hotel. 102 00:04:26,519 --> 00:04:28,959 We have to take the vice president away. Apologies. 103 00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:31,839 Why have I been given this pig's blood? 104 00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,399 Gary: It's tomato juice. It's the Ohio state beverage. 105 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:36,600 - Mike: Oh, piss. Ma'am. - Yeah? 106 00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:39,159 They're having trouble moving big donor tickets. 107 00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:40,639 - What? - Yeah. 108 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:42,159 - Why? Because of me? - No. 109 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:45,120 Amy, you're gonna have to start getting everyone to like me. 110 00:04:45,199 --> 00:04:47,040 Ma'am. Hi. Good news. 111 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,560 We are not exactly selling that many platinum level tickets. 112 00:04:49,639 --> 00:04:51,199 I just gave her that news. 113 00:04:51,279 --> 00:04:53,920 Yeah, but it was so much more depressing coming out of you. 114 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:56,560 Not to worry. I have a strategy. 115 00:04:56,639 --> 00:04:59,399 Okay, look, we smile the smiles, we shake the hands, 116 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:03,079 but we do not endorse. We give the press nothing to report. 117 00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:04,959 No, that makes me look even weaker. 118 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:06,920 - All right, ma'am, I... - Hey. 119 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:08,680 I really think this is something to consider. 120 00:05:08,759 --> 00:05:10,680 - ( phone rings ) - Jonah. 121 00:05:10,759 --> 00:05:12,439 Greetings from the clubhouse of power, Amy. 122 00:05:12,519 --> 00:05:14,360 You need to know that the White House understands 123 00:05:14,439 --> 00:05:16,879 just how toxic the veep is after these latest numbers. 124 00:05:16,959 --> 00:05:18,480 It's a tough time, we're aware. 125 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:20,519 Do you want to know how toxic she is, Amy? 126 00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:24,480 Imagine something small has crawled up a dead cow's ass. 127 00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:27,160 And then that small thing actually dies itself. 128 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:30,800 If that dead thing then farted out a sack of eggs, 129 00:05:30,879 --> 00:05:35,480 but each individual egg is a smaller, rotting dead thing, 130 00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:37,279 that's how toxic she is. 131 00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:39,000 Okay, thanks for the input. 132 00:05:39,079 --> 00:05:41,000 And I know you're under a lot of pressure over there, 133 00:05:41,079 --> 00:05:43,040 so if you ever need a shoulder to cry on 134 00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:45,959 or a booty to call on, you have my number... 135 00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:50,519 Did you find out who the president's playing golf with? 136 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:53,199 Golf. You know, men walking around with sticks 137 00:05:53,279 --> 00:05:55,439 - talking about their careers. - Oh, mm. 138 00:05:55,519 --> 00:05:57,720 I was gonna follow up on that, ma'am. I didn't forget. I did not forget. 139 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:01,319 Ma'am, it's congressman Furlong. 140 00:06:01,399 --> 00:06:03,800 - You can tell him to go fuck him... - He's right here, ma'am. 141 00:06:03,879 --> 00:06:06,040 - Oh! Roger. - Madam Vice President. 142 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:07,519 Thank you so much for seeing me. 143 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:09,800 Well, thank you for dropping by. 144 00:06:09,879 --> 00:06:11,720 Excuse me while I get myself pulled together. 145 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:13,519 Of course. I like this room. This is great. 146 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,439 Yeah, it's the presidential suite. 147 00:06:15,519 --> 00:06:17,600 - Vice presidential, anyway. - ( laughs ) 148 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:21,399 Listen, I've seen the disapproval numbers. 149 00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:24,600 So I appreciate the delicate situation here. 150 00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:27,480 Uh, just part of the job. 151 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:28,959 No, it's not. This is Will. 152 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:30,439 Will, what were they saying about the disapproval? 153 00:06:30,519 --> 00:06:33,240 Apologies, ma'am. "Effed in the b-hole" across all networks. 154 00:06:33,319 --> 00:06:36,079 Ma'am, that is a lingering image to try to overcome, I'll tell you. 155 00:06:36,159 --> 00:06:38,240 What's this about, congressman? 156 00:06:38,319 --> 00:06:40,720 Well, I was hoping maybe, ma'am, we could have a moment. 157 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:43,879 - Yes. Have a seat. - Thank you. 158 00:06:43,959 --> 00:06:46,920 Ma'am, I don't want you to endorse my run for governor at this time. 159 00:06:49,959 --> 00:06:52,560 Um, well, Roger, 160 00:06:52,639 --> 00:06:55,920 - that is difficult... - Mm-hmm. 161 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:59,639 For me because I'm here. 162 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:02,000 Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's great. Can I get some water? 163 00:07:02,079 --> 00:07:03,600 Um, it's being put to me... 164 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:05,800 - Gary, can I get some water? - Gary: Yeah. 165 00:07:05,879 --> 00:07:08,879 It's being put to me that... and I apologize... 166 00:07:08,959 --> 00:07:12,079 but politically speaking, you are damaged goods. 167 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,040 I'm hearing that your credibility is... 168 00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:15,519 - Where is it located, Will? - The toilet. 169 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,079 Mm-hmm. Again, not my words. 170 00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:20,879 - So... - The toilet? 171 00:07:20,959 --> 00:07:23,360 - I don't want this. - Okay. 172 00:07:23,439 --> 00:07:25,839 - More accurately, the crapper. - Who are you? 173 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:28,439 - Who is this fucking infant? - No one. 174 00:07:28,519 --> 00:07:32,759 Let me be very clear with you about something, okay, Roger? 175 00:07:32,839 --> 00:07:34,959 I don't even like you. 176 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:36,480 - Right. - Right? 177 00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:40,879 And now I'm, you know, been told to come here and endorse you. 178 00:07:40,959 --> 00:07:42,439 So do you understand how embarrassing 179 00:07:42,519 --> 00:07:44,480 this would be for me now not to endorse you? 180 00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:45,959 Yes, of course. I get it, yeah. 181 00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:49,399 And listen, in the spirit of reciprocity, ma'am, 182 00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:51,680 I don't really care for you much either personally. 183 00:07:51,759 --> 00:07:53,480 You can't stop me from endorsing you. 184 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:56,800 Then I will reject the endorsement publically. 185 00:07:56,879 --> 00:07:58,360 Madam Vice President, do you need five minutes? 186 00:07:58,439 --> 00:08:01,560 No, I don't need five minutes. I'm absolutely fucking fine. 187 00:08:01,639 --> 00:08:05,040 Thank you very much. 188 00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:07,959 You know, Roger, do you sometimes think about, 189 00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:11,279 I don't know, I give you this and you give me that 190 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:13,199 and black is up, but brown is down now? 191 00:08:13,279 --> 00:08:15,399 - Do you know what I mean? - Mm-hmm. 192 00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:20,279 I mean, in life or even just with love, 193 00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:23,399 you know, I mean, at the end of the day, 194 00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:27,199 you know, aren't we just all finally just, you know, people? 195 00:08:27,279 --> 00:08:30,519 - True words, ma'am. - Yeah. 196 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:34,159 I mean, you know, I haven't... I haven't seen my... my daughter 197 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:36,519 in, like, three months. 198 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,960 And Ted is just, you know, whaa! 199 00:08:39,039 --> 00:08:41,399 I don't know where he went, you know? 200 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,558 You know, and I would... 201 00:08:43,639 --> 00:08:46,080 I would love to go to that party, you know? 202 00:08:46,159 --> 00:08:48,519 I would like to be everywhere. 203 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:50,080 ( blows ) 204 00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:53,879 Look, Madam Vice President, I'm sorry. 205 00:08:55,440 --> 00:08:57,039 This doesn't give me any pleasure. 206 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,879 Don't you say it gives you no pleasure. When anybody ever says that, 207 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:02,039 all they mean is that it does give them so much pleasure. 208 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:04,080 - Look... - I know what that means. 209 00:09:04,159 --> 00:09:05,840 Maybe you should make an address, okay? 210 00:09:05,919 --> 00:09:08,919 Talk about politics and America working together. 211 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,120 I know how to give a motherfucking speech. 212 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:14,200 Don't you patronize me with your no jaw. 213 00:09:14,279 --> 00:09:17,519 You congressman no jaw. 214 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:19,759 - Okay. We should... we have to go. - Get the fuck out. 215 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:21,159 Okay. Okay. 216 00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:27,639 He was just not a nice man. 217 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:29,480 I'll get you some tea, okay? 218 00:09:29,559 --> 00:09:32,440 I'll just leave Mike. He can stay here with you. 219 00:09:38,559 --> 00:09:40,679 - I'm sorry about your tears. - Yeah. 220 00:09:40,759 --> 00:09:42,399 They suck. 221 00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:44,200 You know, my papaw used to say, 222 00:09:44,279 --> 00:09:47,039 "it's always darkest before the storm." So... 223 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:51,039 Oh, the dawn, the dawn. 224 00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:53,559 "It's always darkest before the dawn." And then he would kiss me. 225 00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:57,440 All right, this might sound crazy, but go with it. 226 00:09:57,519 --> 00:10:01,120 Her crying was very authentic 227 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,519 and humanizing. 228 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:05,039 Okay. 229 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:06,960 I like your thinking. 230 00:10:07,039 --> 00:10:08,480 I actually found it slightly erotic, too. 231 00:10:08,559 --> 00:10:09,960 I take it back. 232 00:10:10,039 --> 00:10:12,159 That's why it took me so long to split up with Angie. 233 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,200 She'd always cry, I'd always get a hard-on. 234 00:10:14,279 --> 00:10:16,039 - Now you've lost me. - Listen. 235 00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:17,759 We should spitball on this, though. 236 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:19,720 ( clears throat ) 237 00:10:19,799 --> 00:10:21,840 The crying game play, all right? 238 00:10:21,919 --> 00:10:25,080 All we've got to do is set her up and let the cameras roll. 239 00:10:25,159 --> 00:10:27,120 Then we've just got to tweak the tear nipple. 240 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:31,679 - How do we make it happen? - Could spray her with pepper spray. 241 00:10:31,759 --> 00:10:33,960 Call her fat. Kidding. 242 00:10:35,919 --> 00:10:39,639 What is it that made her cry? It's Catherine, right? 243 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:41,480 The absent mother blubber. 244 00:10:41,559 --> 00:10:42,960 - Genius. - Yeah. 245 00:10:43,039 --> 00:10:44,559 Chinese daughter torture. It's a good one. 246 00:10:44,639 --> 00:10:46,240 God, I can't believe we're doing this. 247 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:49,240 On the other hand, we are currently polling lower than a side of beef 248 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:51,440 with eyes drawn on it, so... 249 00:10:51,519 --> 00:10:53,360 - Mike: Okay, ma'am, light and frothy. - Yeah. 250 00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:56,399 Cappuccino politics, okay? Big three industries in Ohio... 251 00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:59,080 - Rubber, petrochemical, agriculture. - Right. Okay. 252 00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:03,000 - Hit rubber. It's a big rubber state. - Okay. Good. Yeah. 253 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:06,360 What is that, a fax? Is that a message to yourself from 1988? 254 00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:08,240 Look who's playing golf with the president. 255 00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:10,639 ( gasps ) Danny Chung. 256 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,120 - Chung. - Shut up. 257 00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:13,679 - What is that? - Don't worry about it. 258 00:11:13,759 --> 00:11:16,440 Felicia, one second. Feel free to dive right in on the daughter, okay? 259 00:11:16,519 --> 00:11:18,679 'Cause we want to hit these disapproval ratings head on. 260 00:11:18,759 --> 00:11:21,399 See, when he says things like that to me, it makes me anxious. 261 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:24,360 We just found out that Governor Chung is golfing with potus. 262 00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:27,519 So, if you want to talk about that... Thank you so much. 263 00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:30,519 It is just great to be back in the state of Ohio. 264 00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:32,159 Been a rough couple of months for you, though. 265 00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:34,279 Your filibuster reform stalled. 266 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:37,039 Clean jobs initiative, dead in the water. 267 00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:39,159 You talk a lot about really wanting to be able to make change. 268 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,320 Do you still think you're gonna be able to make that happen? 269 00:11:41,399 --> 00:11:43,519 Oh, absolutely. Yeah, I'm very proud 270 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:46,080 of what we've been able to achieve thus far. 271 00:11:46,159 --> 00:11:48,720 So you feel you're back in the game? 272 00:11:48,799 --> 00:11:50,600 Well, it's not a game to me. 273 00:11:50,679 --> 00:11:53,519 Must be very hurtful for you, too, with all the gossip going around. 274 00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:56,159 "Is she gonna go?" I just understand today 275 00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:58,759 that the president is golfing with Governor Chung. 276 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:01,200 Does that bother you? 277 00:12:01,279 --> 00:12:03,240 Well, I mean, the president 278 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:07,000 can play golf with whoever he likes. 279 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:09,320 But I'm here because I have work to do. 280 00:12:09,399 --> 00:12:11,559 It's 24/7. It's a public duty. 281 00:12:11,639 --> 00:12:15,720 24/7 doesn't leave you much time for your family, your daughter... 282 00:12:15,799 --> 00:12:18,639 Well, I mean, it's a punishing schedule, that's for sure. 283 00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:22,679 I mean, you get... you get tired and you get knocked... knocked back. 284 00:12:22,759 --> 00:12:25,639 But... 285 00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:27,919 Can you imagine, Felicia, 286 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:30,600 if I'm tired, 287 00:12:30,679 --> 00:12:35,320 imagine how tired the rubber makers are here in Ohio. 288 00:12:35,399 --> 00:12:37,320 She is magnificent. 289 00:12:37,399 --> 00:12:41,000 Making rubber day in and day out. 290 00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:46,360 I feel that Ohio is the rubber ball state, 291 00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:48,200 if you think about it. 292 00:12:48,279 --> 00:12:50,200 Always bouncing back. 293 00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:55,279 I don't know what the hell she could have been thinking. 294 00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:57,440 When was the last time you cried twice in one day? 295 00:12:57,519 --> 00:13:00,000 It was a little more recently than you'd think. 296 00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:02,879 Oddjob. ( whistles ) Come here. 297 00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:05,440 What the fuck gives with your boss? I saw the meltdown. 298 00:13:05,519 --> 00:13:08,159 Congressman, I saw passion. I saw conviction. 299 00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:09,960 I saw a fucking crazy lady. That's what I saw. 300 00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:13,320 If she mentions my name, if I get the stamp of approval, 301 00:13:13,399 --> 00:13:16,120 the midas touch from Jenny shitfinger, I'm coming for you, pal. 302 00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:18,120 Me and the congress of the United States will get your ass. 303 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:19,600 Yes, sir. 304 00:13:19,679 --> 00:13:22,360 Ask your buddy Macauley about it. Maybe he can help you. 305 00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:23,879 Man: The vice president. 306 00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:26,879 Hello! Yes. I see you. 307 00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,240 Oh, wow, look at this group. 308 00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:32,039 Are they gonna live long enough to make it to election day, 309 00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:34,240 right behind me? Probably not. 310 00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:36,159 Hello, children who do not vote. 311 00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:39,399 We're getting great media response to the interview. 312 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:40,960 - Are you getting this, too? - No, better. 313 00:13:41,039 --> 00:13:42,639 I've been polling the room. It's warm, it's friendly. 314 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:44,480 If this plays in Ohio, it's gonna go national. 315 00:13:44,559 --> 00:13:46,120 Come on, Amy. 316 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,080 - Marcus. - What? 317 00:13:48,159 --> 00:13:50,440 I made you a cake with your face on it. 318 00:13:50,519 --> 00:13:52,080 Are you kidding me? Oh! 319 00:13:52,159 --> 00:13:53,960 That looks like me after a long day in the Senate. 320 00:13:54,039 --> 00:13:55,440 ( laughter ) 321 00:13:55,519 --> 00:13:58,399 - I think she's only paid 50 bucks. - I have to go. 322 00:13:58,480 --> 00:13:59,879 - Madam Vice President. - Yes? 323 00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:02,120 I'd like to introduce you to one of our actual platinum donors. 324 00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:05,039 I have some great ideas about tax reform I want to talk to you about. 325 00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:07,639 - I want to hear them. - Well, there's two types of people. 326 00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:10,039 - Uh-huh. - Okay? You got grabbers. 327 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:11,879 And then you have the other kind. 328 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:13,759 I don't have a name for that. The ones who don't grab. 329 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:16,120 - Oh. - The grabbers, right, 330 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:18,399 they take the world by the scrotum, okay? 331 00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:21,120 - And they make it happen. - This is just riveting stuff. 332 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:23,240 - Oh, I'm so sorry. So sorry. - Yes? 333 00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:26,360 I don't know what to say, so I'm just whispering instead. 334 00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:28,639 Oh, I have the... 335 00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:31,279 - Middle east. - You can talk later. 336 00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:34,240 - We have all night. - I appreciate that. Hello. Uh-huh. 337 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:36,000 Selina: I just want to eat in a quiet corner 338 00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:38,000 away from these bozos, okay? 339 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:40,799 And that's the essence of a grabber. 340 00:14:40,879 --> 00:14:42,919 - Okay? - Mm-hmm. 341 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:45,440 You'd think with all the money I'm jerking up the wall here, 342 00:14:45,519 --> 00:14:46,919 I'd get more than a stuffed chicken breast. 343 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:50,399 Right, well, you know, I've got to tell you, these caterers, they've got... 344 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:52,519 I gave 30,000 bucks, I get a chicken breast. 345 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,759 That guy didn't give 500 bucks, he's got a chicken breast. 346 00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:56,679 - What do I get, stuffing? - Mm-hmm. 347 00:14:56,759 --> 00:14:59,399 - Okay. - Throw me a drumstick or something. 348 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,120 - Larry. - Hey. 349 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:02,799 - It's good to see you. - Why, you need a lawyer? 350 00:15:02,879 --> 00:15:05,200 ( laughs ) 351 00:15:05,279 --> 00:15:07,320 All right, look. Listen. 352 00:15:07,399 --> 00:15:10,840 I may have gotten involved in a little something. 353 00:15:10,919 --> 00:15:14,000 What happens if I get called in before a congressional committee? 354 00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,240 Okay, you need three versions of your statement. 355 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:18,759 Uh-huh, like what I say happened, what they say happened, and the truth? 356 00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:20,480 Right? 357 00:15:20,559 --> 00:15:22,919 A written, an oral, and a shorter oral 358 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,600 - in case of a time limit. - Right. 359 00:15:24,679 --> 00:15:27,279 Yeah, you want to tell a congressional committee the truth, Dan. 360 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:30,120 Anything out of line, you're looking at a perjury charge. 361 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:32,720 - Fuck! - Don't call attention to yourself. 362 00:15:32,799 --> 00:15:36,000 Just lay low, keep your head down. 363 00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:38,759 All right, now let's say this does actually happen 364 00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:42,360 and I get called in, what's it like up there? 365 00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:45,600 You know those dreams where your football coach is screaming at you, 366 00:15:45,679 --> 00:15:47,519 you look down, you're dressed like Shirley Temple 367 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,080 and then all your teeth fall out? 368 00:15:49,159 --> 00:15:51,679 That's like a Disney version of a congressional committee. 369 00:15:51,759 --> 00:15:54,639 You're gonna get hometown, downtown questions. 370 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:57,159 You'll catch partisan shit. There's gonna be grandstanding. 371 00:15:57,240 --> 00:16:00,519 And if they smell blood, if they think that you're going down 372 00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:02,000 and there's gonna be a kill, 373 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:04,120 you might get what we call corpse fucking. 374 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:07,080 Jesus. Corpse fucking? 375 00:16:07,159 --> 00:16:09,080 That's what it's called where they take your mortal remains 376 00:16:09,159 --> 00:16:10,720 and have as much fun with it as they can. 377 00:16:10,799 --> 00:16:13,480 'Cause everybody wants to be the guy getting the TV sound bite, okay? 378 00:16:13,559 --> 00:16:16,159 And they're gonna be talking about you. Yeah. 379 00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:20,399 - ( applause ) - Thank you so much. 380 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:23,720 Thank you so, so, very, very much. Good evening, everyone. 381 00:16:23,799 --> 00:16:25,480 What are you doing? 382 00:16:25,559 --> 00:16:27,480 Sir, this crying is tracking pretty well. 383 00:16:27,559 --> 00:16:29,519 What? 384 00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:31,159 - Oh, shit. - Yeah, it's good. 385 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:32,639 Okay, that changes everything. 386 00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:34,320 She's someone I know you know very well. 387 00:16:34,399 --> 00:16:36,480 - Hey, come here. - Relax, okay? 388 00:16:36,559 --> 00:16:38,960 I spoke to her. You spoke to her. She's not gonna fucking endorse. 389 00:16:39,039 --> 00:16:40,639 No, no, no. We want her to endorse now. 390 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:42,200 Okay? She's gone from toxic to turn-on. 391 00:16:42,279 --> 00:16:44,559 So just... when we give you the nod, give her the signal, all right? 392 00:16:44,639 --> 00:16:46,600 You guys are burning a fucking hole through my stomach. 393 00:16:46,679 --> 00:16:48,399 I just spent all afternoon fixing this for you. 394 00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:51,039 - Now you want me to unfix it? - Is this your first day in the game? 395 00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:52,639 I think he's wrapping up, so... 396 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:54,600 - Okay. - How you feeling? 397 00:16:54,679 --> 00:16:57,799 Well, I'm a political leper, and I'm an emotional time bomb. 398 00:16:57,879 --> 00:17:00,519 So here's an idea... let's put me onstage. 399 00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:02,799 - Selina Meyer. - ( cheering ) 400 00:17:07,079 --> 00:17:11,400 Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. 401 00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:12,880 So wonderful. Thank you. 402 00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,759 Please be seated. Thank you so much. It is my very... 403 00:17:15,839 --> 00:17:17,240 Come on, what are you waiting for? Give her the signal. 404 00:17:17,319 --> 00:17:18,720 What the fuck is the signal? 405 00:17:18,799 --> 00:17:20,880 There's no international signal to endorse. 406 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:22,799 Use your fucking head. Give her a thumbs up or something. 407 00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:25,598 Oh, my goodness. Well, this has been 408 00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:28,839 quite the day, hasn't it? 409 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:31,640 - Woman: We love you! - ( crowd cheering ) 410 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:33,240 Thank you very much. 411 00:17:33,319 --> 00:17:36,519 She can't cry three times in a day. That's three strikes and you're out. 412 00:17:36,599 --> 00:17:39,440 How big are her tear ducts? It's like they're fucking tidal. 413 00:17:39,519 --> 00:17:41,880 Such a happy occasion, and... 414 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,160 ( clears throat ) 415 00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:46,359 Jesus Christ. Fuck it, don't endorse. 416 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:50,319 I'm so glad to be here in the 17th state of the union. 417 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:53,599 My grandfather, he was from Cincinnati, as a matter of fact. 418 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:55,960 - ( applause ) - Oh. 419 00:17:58,119 --> 00:17:59,960 We used to have a saying in our family. 420 00:18:00,039 --> 00:18:03,039 We used to say we're awfully embarrassed 421 00:18:03,119 --> 00:18:05,640 by our buckteeth. 422 00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:08,440 But we were mighty proud of our buckeyes. 423 00:18:08,519 --> 00:18:11,559 ( laughter ) 424 00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:14,039 Okay, endorse. Endorse. Endorse. 425 00:18:14,119 --> 00:18:15,839 - You're sure? - Endorse. Yes. 426 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:18,200 I, um... 427 00:18:18,279 --> 00:18:21,000 I still miss my grandpa. 428 00:18:21,079 --> 00:18:23,440 - What is that, Popeye? - No, be strong. 429 00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:28,200 He was the best. He was... he was such a strong man 430 00:18:28,279 --> 00:18:31,559 from a great state. 431 00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:34,599 And so that's why I've come here today. 432 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:38,200 I've come here today 433 00:18:38,279 --> 00:18:42,440 to give my 100% support 434 00:18:42,519 --> 00:18:45,799 to congressman Roger Furlong 435 00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:49,279 to be the next, the best, 436 00:18:49,359 --> 00:18:51,839 governor of Ohio. 437 00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:53,759 - ( cheering ) - That's right. 438 00:18:53,839 --> 00:18:55,759 That's you. Come on up here. 439 00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:00,599 What the hell just happened? 440 00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:02,880 So great to be part of your feel-good moment. 441 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:05,720 You're a dirty little prick. ( both laughing ) 442 00:19:05,799 --> 00:19:07,880 Oh, boy. Thank you so much. 443 00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:10,000 - Absolutely. - Oh, boy. 444 00:19:10,079 --> 00:19:11,559 Don't forget your booster seat. 445 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:13,519 Oh, shove it up your ass. 446 00:19:13,599 --> 00:19:17,119 - Thanks so much. - Okay. 447 00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:19,160 Hey, that photographer who reads lips, 448 00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:20,799 - he's not here, is he? - Mm-mmm. 449 00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:23,000 No. That's a blessing. 450 00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:24,960 Did you see the "Chicago Tribune"? 451 00:19:25,039 --> 00:19:27,599 Oh, this is so great. I've never enjoyed reading this much. 452 00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:29,440 You know, my mom said that Selina looked human and vulnerable. 453 00:19:29,519 --> 00:19:31,640 - Great. - Not a compliment. 454 00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:33,480 She sees human vulnerability as a weakness. 455 00:19:33,559 --> 00:19:35,680 - I like your mom. - Don't talk about my mother, Dan. 456 00:19:35,759 --> 00:19:39,000 - Good morning! - Did you see the "Chicago Tribune"? 457 00:19:39,079 --> 00:19:41,240 I've seen it, I've read it, I've eaten it, 458 00:19:41,319 --> 00:19:44,839 I've showered in it. I'm back, my babies. 459 00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:47,279 Yeah, you are. Like rubber Jesus. 460 00:19:47,359 --> 00:19:49,240 And, Dan, get over here and shake my hand. 461 00:19:49,319 --> 00:19:51,440 - What a great job you did. - My pleasure. 462 00:19:51,519 --> 00:19:53,960 Seriously, getting me to endorse Furlong. 463 00:19:54,039 --> 00:19:55,480 How about that round of applause? 464 00:19:55,559 --> 00:19:57,880 Come on, guys. Give it up for him. 465 00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:59,480 Absolutely great. 466 00:19:59,559 --> 00:20:00,960 You know none of these people generally like you. 467 00:20:01,039 --> 00:20:02,599 So fucking what? 468 00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:04,720 Hey, everyone. Oh, hey! 469 00:20:04,799 --> 00:20:07,440 Hey, it's about time. Thank you. 470 00:20:07,519 --> 00:20:09,519 Hey, Mike. 471 00:20:09,599 --> 00:20:12,240 Potus is so excited about this new narrative. 472 00:20:12,319 --> 00:20:14,839 I engineered Selina crying on camera. 473 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:16,920 I'm the puppet master. I'm Pinocchio. 474 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,319 Pinocchio wasn't the puppet master, Mike. He was the puppet. 475 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:22,319 - Uh, yeah, he was. - Five-year-olds get that. 476 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:25,359 Jonah, do you come bearing news from the gentleman's club? 477 00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:27,359 I come bearing a message of support from the president. 478 00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:29,519 - Oh. - As you know, he called. 479 00:20:29,599 --> 00:20:32,440 - Sue, did the president call? - No. 480 00:20:32,519 --> 00:20:34,599 - Huh. - Well, it wasn't an actual call. 481 00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:37,000 I am here in lieu of that call. But he and we are... 482 00:20:37,079 --> 00:20:39,200 So now I have a very big announcement to make. 483 00:20:39,279 --> 00:20:42,279 I'd like everyone to follow me into my office, please. 484 00:20:42,359 --> 00:20:45,440 This-a-way. Okay, so I am about to announce 485 00:20:45,519 --> 00:20:47,480 a certain realignment. 486 00:20:47,559 --> 00:20:50,000 Oh, Mike. I am sorry for your loss. 487 00:20:50,079 --> 00:20:52,519 Dan, you're getting a promotion. 488 00:20:52,599 --> 00:20:54,440 Wow. Yeah! 489 00:20:54,519 --> 00:20:56,480 - Thank you so much. - You're welcome. 490 00:20:56,559 --> 00:20:59,000 I just signed for an auto lease. If I could get six months... 491 00:20:59,079 --> 00:21:01,839 I want you to be in charge of day-to-day rebuttal for me, all right? 492 00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:05,119 You'll be the new director of policy and presentation. 493 00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:07,920 Thank you, ma'am. This is all I've ever wanted. 494 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:11,359 - This is all I've never wanted. - Is he... is Dan my boss now? 495 00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:13,359 Can I just say that this is really exciting to watch? 496 00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:15,839 I guess I've got some business to attend to. 497 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:18,240 - What business? - That's a need-to-know basis, Mike, 498 00:21:18,319 --> 00:21:19,720 and you don't have the clearance. 499 00:21:19,799 --> 00:21:22,160 Funny. Is that true? 500 00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:24,079 This is sad. You're like an old panda 501 00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:26,680 that's gonna get put down at the zoo. 502 00:21:26,759 --> 00:21:28,599 - They bring kids in to watch that. - Fuck off. 503 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:31,559 I'm assuming I'm safe. 504 00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:33,200 Amy, you pretended to have a miscarriage for me. 505 00:21:33,279 --> 00:21:35,680 You remain crucial to my policy team. 506 00:21:35,759 --> 00:21:37,720 All right, boys and girls, I got a promotion. 507 00:21:37,799 --> 00:21:40,319 So first order of business is to issue a press release, 508 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:42,119 which I already have written. 509 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:45,799 Colette, if you would do the honors. In the me file under phase one. 510 00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:48,160 Okay, and you and you, 511 00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:50,359 I need you to move this desk. 512 00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,359 Let's go. Don't give me that sad orphan face. 513 00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:54,880 Take your little snack pack and your water bottle and get the fuck out. 514 00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:56,359 - Hey, Dan. - Yes? 515 00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:59,319 Congrats on the big promotion. You and I should grab another drink. 516 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:01,680 You know what? Run it by my secretary. His name is Mike. 517 00:22:01,759 --> 00:22:03,200 No, no, no, you've got to move that back. 518 00:22:03,279 --> 00:22:04,680 I'm not gonna have you eyeballing me all day. 519 00:22:04,759 --> 00:22:06,920 - That's not gonna go there. - Relax, cow eyes. 520 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:09,000 I'm not gonna be sitting here looking at your... 521 00:22:09,079 --> 00:22:10,920 cow eyes the whole time. Guys, seat goes right here. 522 00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:12,839 - Shit, shit. - What? What? What? 523 00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:14,640 Twitter eruption. Veep's trending. 524 00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:17,920 - Amy, what's going on? - Um, you're trending, ma'am. 525 00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:19,720 I'm on Twitter, but it wants me to create a new account. 526 00:22:19,799 --> 00:22:21,200 - I don't know how to do that. - Well, then do that. 527 00:22:21,279 --> 00:22:22,680 Amy, what the fuck? What is it, Amy? 528 00:22:22,759 --> 00:22:24,279 This is the reporter from Ohio, Felicia. 529 00:22:24,359 --> 00:22:26,400 Wait, wait. No, I got it. 530 00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:28,599 "Got played by team veep. 531 00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:30,480 They wanted me to make her cry." 532 00:22:30,559 --> 00:22:33,519 Hashtag FakeVeepWeep. What the fuck? 533 00:22:33,599 --> 00:22:35,720 What? Who wanted to make me cry? 534 00:22:35,799 --> 00:22:37,559 Mike engineered your crying, ma'am. 535 00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:39,119 He said that he was your puppet master. 536 00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:40,640 Actually, he said he was your Pinocchio, 537 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:43,079 but I think he meant Geppetto, who was actually the puppet master. 538 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:45,839 Mike got you to cry on camera. 539 00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:47,920 - What the fuck, Mike? - What the fuck, Mike? 540 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:50,559 Amy, get into my office. Mike, especially you. 541 00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:53,000 Go into my office. Okay. 542 00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:57,319 Holy Christ. Look at the size of this one. 543 00:22:57,400 --> 00:22:59,599 Buddy, I think you're as big as my gay dwarf. 544 00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:01,359 I need to see the vice president now. 545 00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:03,680 Sorry, I don't work here. I do work in the West... 546 00:23:03,759 --> 00:23:05,759 Well, then get the hell out of my way, you leaning tower of... 547 00:23:05,839 --> 00:23:07,519 - Pisa. - No. 548 00:23:07,599 --> 00:23:09,079 - Shit? - Good. 549 00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:10,559 - Move it. - Yes, sir. 550 00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:12,640 Hey, sweet cakes. I need to get in to see the veep. 551 00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:14,920 Congressman, if you call me that again, you'll need to see a paramedic. 552 00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:17,160 - Take care of that. - Gary: Whoa, whoa, whoa! 553 00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:18,759 - Big bully, what are you doing? - You think I'm a crybaby? 554 00:23:18,839 --> 00:23:21,359 Sorry to barge in, Madam Vice President. 555 00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:25,000 Yeah, Larry, listen. Furlong is in the office. 556 00:23:25,079 --> 00:23:27,880 Don't talk to Furlong. You need to keep a low profile. 557 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:30,559 I just issued a press release announcing my promotion. 558 00:23:30,640 --> 00:23:32,920 Bye, Dan. 559 00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,720 Frankly, ma'am, I'm angry. Will, tell her why. 560 00:23:35,799 --> 00:23:37,680 The press claims that you intentionally cried 561 00:23:37,759 --> 00:23:39,440 in order to divert attention away from the fact 562 00:23:39,519 --> 00:23:41,400 that we had to bus people into the fundraiser. 563 00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:44,160 And now I'm being implicated in your disgusting little lies, 564 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:47,400 and, actually, I don't feel like being dragged into the toilet with you, ma'am. 565 00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:50,920 Number one, congressman, 566 00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:53,519 I'm sick of taking your shit, okay? 567 00:23:53,599 --> 00:23:56,480 Number two, number one again. 568 00:23:56,559 --> 00:23:58,440 The crying was manipulated, ma'am. I was manipulated. 569 00:23:58,519 --> 00:24:00,480 And this meeting is now terminated 570 00:24:00,559 --> 00:24:03,079 because this was never a meeting to even begin with. 571 00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:04,880 You're gonna need to leave 'cause I'm not really aware 572 00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:07,039 of where my actions will take me, okay? 573 00:24:07,119 --> 00:24:08,759 What are you gonna do? You gonna choke me with some spanx? 574 00:24:08,839 --> 00:24:11,960 - Do you want to try me? - ( laughs ) 575 00:24:12,039 --> 00:24:14,640 You got breath mints in that bag? Let's go. 576 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:17,319 Oh, you got a nice big red dot in the middle of your forehead, Danno. 577 00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:19,119 - And it ain't a fucking bindi. - Excuse me? 578 00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:22,079 You'd better saddle up, cowgirl, 'cause I'm gonna ride this whole office 579 00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:23,880 into a congressional investigative hearing 580 00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:26,160 over the Macauley amendment and the attendant corruption. 581 00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:27,839 Just relax. 582 00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:30,119 I think you might want to get yourself a helmet, okay. 583 00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:32,759 And a bulletproof vest and an iron jockstrap. 584 00:24:32,839 --> 00:24:34,680 'Cause you're gonna get your head shot, your back stabbed, 585 00:24:34,759 --> 00:24:36,880 and your nuts danced on. 586 00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:39,119 Have a good Monday. 587 00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:40,519 Bye, Sue. 588 00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:44,799 All right, you're gonna need to stay in your former position. 589 00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:46,880 Okay? Keep a low profile. 590 00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:49,680 In your face, Dan. Mmm! 591 00:24:49,759 --> 00:24:54,039 Um, ma'am, I may have already issued a press release 592 00:24:54,119 --> 00:24:56,119 - regarding my promotion. - Really? 593 00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:59,359 Well, can I unpromote you? I don't think so. 594 00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:00,880 Is he my boss again? 595 00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:03,319 Only in title, all right? You're still senior to him. 596 00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:06,599 - In your fucking face. - Stop it, okay? Please, Mike. 597 00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:09,559 Hey, Dan, I'm gonna take a rain check on that beer, okay? 598 00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:12,039 Oh, my God in heaven. So, let's see. 599 00:25:12,119 --> 00:25:14,200 The guy that I have just put in charge of rebutting 600 00:25:14,279 --> 00:25:16,400 is now in charge of rebutting questions 601 00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:18,240 over the Macauley amendment, 602 00:25:18,319 --> 00:25:22,519 which is the very thing he should be nowhere near rebutting. Right? 603 00:25:22,599 --> 00:25:24,000 I did warn you about him, ma'am. 604 00:25:24,079 --> 00:25:26,240 Okay, get out, Amy. Get out of my office. 605 00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:42,960 See, now... now I want to cry. 606 00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:46,200 But I can't cry. 607 00:25:46,279 --> 00:25:48,960 - Can I get you a cup of tea? Okay. - Yeah. 608 00:25:49,039 --> 00:25:52,720 You know, I mean, this job has fucked me up so bad. 609 00:25:52,799 --> 00:25:55,599 Now I don't fucking know if I can cry anymore. 610 00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:58,759 8( sighs ) 611 00:25:58,839 --> 00:26:01,759 I wouldn't worry about it, ma'am. 612 00:26:01,839 --> 00:26:05,359 I mean, you've only got four years of this, so... 613 00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:08,519 Eight years, I guess, if we got reelected, obviously. 614 00:26:08,599 --> 00:26:12,240 12 if you run for president. 615 00:26:12,319 --> 00:26:14,880 16, two-term. 616 00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:18,880 So think about that. 617 00:26:32,839 --> 00:26:35,759 Dan: Egan, all right? Dan Egan. That's Dan with a capital D 618 00:26:35,839 --> 00:26:38,519 and Egan with an open your fucking ears. 619 00:26:38,599 --> 00:26:40,160 Yes, E as in ears. 620 00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:44,119 Yeah, I'll hold. 621 00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:48,160 When Dan goes home, I want that desk back here, okay? 622 00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:51,240 Sue: No, she's busy. And tomorrow. 623 00:26:51,319 --> 00:26:53,839 Well, that's tomorrow in the plural. All of them.