1 00:00:15,119 --> 00:00:17,280 VEEP Episode 5, Season 2 2 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:20,960 It was a light-hearted song at an informal event. 3 00:00:21,039 --> 00:00:22,960 Yes, she will apologize to Europe. 4 00:00:23,039 --> 00:00:26,800 'Cos it's up there with Bubonic Plague and the carpet bombing of Dresden. 5 00:00:27,239 --> 00:00:31,239 Tommy. Amy. Ignore Dan, he's hormonal. 6 00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:35,399 The Song's funny because it's the opposite of her views on Europe... 7 00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:37,640 Drinks when I get back? 8 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:42,560 -You gotta do it like Mike. -I don't want to be like Mike. 9 00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:44,119 Call him. 10 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:47,240 We need to keep the Veep away from people. And their awkward questions. 11 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:50,079 So while she's in Helsinki keep her out of Helsinki. 12 00:00:50,159 --> 00:00:52,880 She gave me a Leviathan with fewer pockets. 13 00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:57,119 So what's the latest? They burning effigies of me in the Balkans? 14 00:00:58,119 --> 00:01:00,000 Gary? Ambien. 15 00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:04,120 This is Cipro. I don't have a urinary infection. 16 00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:08,400 So I was thinking of this: 17 00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:14,319 "The climate here is very cold, but this reception is very warm." 18 00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:17,439 -It's almost there. -Yeah. 19 00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:24,000 Gary, did you get my... Please don't make that face. 20 00:01:24,319 --> 00:01:26,439 You know I do this only when I go abroad. 21 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:29,879 But the last time you stopped you were so up and down... 22 00:01:29,959 --> 00:01:32,079 I need my little soldiers, Gary. 23 00:01:32,479 --> 00:01:36,200 My flaming red-heads. Thank you! 24 00:01:37,959 --> 00:01:40,239 How's the song going over in Finland? 25 00:01:40,719 --> 00:01:44,280 Some paper is calling you "The Europhobic Khaleesi from DC". 26 00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:48,239 Europhobic? What's that mean? That I'm scared of subtitles? 27 00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:55,959 Mike, you got the summary of the 2008 swing state modelling? 28 00:01:56,039 --> 00:01:58,799 Not yet. But I got a summary of the summary. That's great. 29 00:02:01,879 --> 00:02:04,079 -Hi, Dan! -How's it hanging, Mike? 30 00:02:04,159 --> 00:02:07,959 Insane. It's like a math prison. They rape you with numbers. 31 00:02:08,318 --> 00:02:10,800 -What's your vote of registration? -Imminent. 32 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:14,080 Listen, how do you do that Fozzy Bear 33 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:17,120 happy waka waka routine so the press like you? 34 00:02:17,199 --> 00:02:21,639 The McClin-Talk? It's a performance. Act like you think you're charming. 35 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:26,840 -Doesn't matter if the jokes are weak. -Deliberately bad jokes. Genius. 36 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:31,000 -And it explains a lot... -Call Dickhead! 37 00:02:34,039 --> 00:02:36,280 -West Wing, Jonah. -Hi! It's Mike. 38 00:02:36,639 --> 00:02:39,039 Come over and explain Dream Metric to me. 39 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:41,120 Bingo! I was looking for that. 40 00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:44,918 You need J-Rock to spit some wicked wisdom in your ear, Mike? 41 00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:48,879 In return, I'll get you back in as the Veep's resident Creep. 42 00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:52,120 When I go back in people are gonna ask why I'm not in Europe. 43 00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:56,960 -I'll cover. I lie for a living. -But nobody believes you. 44 00:02:59,639 --> 00:03:01,759 It's below freezing here in Helsinki, 45 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:07,960 but I am touched by the warm welcome we've received this evening. Thank you. 46 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:12,478 Do you have any comment on the song? 47 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,199 Vice-President, would you have made jokes like that about the Middle East? 48 00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:18,439 Guys, we appreciate you came, but autographs tomorrow! 49 00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:21,120 -Is she going to apologize? -The Vice-President is here to... 50 00:03:21,199 --> 00:03:23,520 -Apologize? -You are a long way from home. 51 00:03:23,599 --> 00:03:26,439 This is the line of questions you wanna follow? 52 00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:28,919 The VP is here to sign a trade agreement, 53 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:33,120 and cement an important friendship between two great nations. 54 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:38,319 I'll perform some street magic. You all think of a card... 55 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:42,280 -Nine of hearts, am I right? -I'm thinking Joker. 56 00:03:45,719 --> 00:03:47,400 That was cold and hostile. 57 00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:51,800 Are you sure we didn't overshoot and land in Russia, in the 1950s? 58 00:03:52,159 --> 00:03:56,199 -What was with the British Reporter? -You don't want one on your back. 59 00:03:56,639 --> 00:04:00,000 They'll sell nude pics of their Grandmothers for a glass of hot beer. 60 00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:03,599 That wasn't the way Mike would have done it at the airport. 61 00:04:03,919 --> 00:04:07,120 We'd have spent the flight watching him do scratch cards 62 00:04:07,199 --> 00:04:10,280 and say "so close" every time he loses. 63 00:04:10,639 --> 00:04:14,199 -Yeah, I miss Mike! -Look, that's nice! 64 00:04:14,719 --> 00:04:16,560 It's got a Smiley on it! 65 00:04:18,959 --> 00:04:22,399 Selina, are you looking for 50 ways to leave Helsinki? 66 00:04:22,959 --> 00:04:27,560 Questions tomorrow, guys, we've got iPads to recharge. 67 00:04:27,959 --> 00:04:29,480 Thank you! 68 00:04:31,439 --> 00:04:33,920 Relax, Old timer, your cavalry's here... 69 00:04:34,279 --> 00:04:38,519 -We have to summarize all this... -Jesus, Mike, but this is so basic! 70 00:04:38,879 --> 00:04:41,159 This is like high school all over again. 71 00:04:41,519 --> 00:04:44,560 I bet you still have to get all your porn from magazines! 72 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:50,000 Mike, sub the data principles to 500, 100, and 20 word versions... 73 00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:54,759 Jonah? Well, this is an unexpected permutation. 74 00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:56,680 Mike? 75 00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,959 The Vice President felt Jonah's talents were... 76 00:05:02,279 --> 00:05:05,560 We're supposed to inform Congress of covert operations. 77 00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:09,480 It's not a choice, like my diet. It's a necessity, like my drinking. 78 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,439 I am going to take soundings over the next 24 hours. 79 00:05:12,519 --> 00:05:16,000 The National Security Adviser's running around like mad. 80 00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:19,800 All this melodrama does explain your three divorces. 81 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,439 I like divorce your head from your neck! 82 00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:24,800 Listen, Mike, I need you to... 83 00:05:25,879 --> 00:05:28,279 How many lunch breaks can one guy take? 84 00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:30,279 I just got an email from Sue. 85 00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:32,959 Something's got everyone jumping at the White House. 86 00:05:33,399 --> 00:05:36,120 Go apologise for the song. And no jokes. 87 00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:42,319 With your face, attempted charm just comes over as evil. 88 00:05:43,639 --> 00:05:45,920 -You doing OK? -Did you get the...? 89 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:50,000 -They got pears. -I don't want fruit. You get them? 90 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:52,360 Yes, I got them. 91 00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:57,120 -Come on, come on! -It's a small bag. 92 00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:59,680 Are you complaining about this gift? 93 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:02,680 It's not a small bag. Your hands are large! 94 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:06,240 My dad says I have ladies hands. I got them! 95 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:10,000 That's so nasty! 96 00:06:17,199 --> 00:06:19,959 Don't give me that "Quaker in a titty bar" look! 97 00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:29,680 OK, guys. To those who misinterpreted the song, I'm offering apologies. 98 00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:34,360 Especially to our host here, the prime minister of Finland. 99 00:06:34,759 --> 00:06:36,399 So what's going on back there? 100 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:39,079 The Secretary of Defense has been in to see Kent. 101 00:06:39,159 --> 00:06:42,839 I must go to sleep now. I'm on your time. "Helsinchronized". 102 00:06:43,199 --> 00:06:45,800 I feel like I'm in two time zones at the same time. 103 00:06:45,879 --> 00:06:48,519 I might be the first woman ever to have parallel periods. 104 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,759 You're in Europe, Amy. I'm in my bedroom. 105 00:06:50,839 --> 00:06:52,639 Sean, come to come to bed now. 106 00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:56,839 And lower your expectations, we will be sleeping. 107 00:06:56,920 --> 00:07:01,959 It's not a crisis. Despite your hysterical washerwoman reaction. 108 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:03,720 Lives were at risk. 109 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:06,920 Lives like what you had before the undead made you their king. 110 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:10,519 Your idea of crisis management is screaming "We're fucked! Bury me!" 111 00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:12,680 We're fucked! Bury me! 112 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:22,000 Hyva Suomi, "Hello Finland"... 113 00:07:22,879 --> 00:07:26,279 -Is the song thing shut down? -Bullet to the head, unmarked grave. 114 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:29,399 -Madam Vice-President. -Madam Prime-Minister. 115 00:07:29,879 --> 00:07:32,240 I'm delighted to welcome you to Finland. 116 00:07:32,639 --> 00:07:34,560 Thank you and please call me Selina. 117 00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:36,519 -Selina? -Yes. 118 00:07:36,959 --> 00:07:40,879 -Excuse me, shall we begin? -Yes. 119 00:07:42,399 --> 00:07:45,159 -Would you like to lead? -Yes. You like to go first? 120 00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:48,560 -We can go together. -In tandem. We shall go. 121 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:51,240 I have a gift for you. 122 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:55,199 We hope when you come to our country, you will go fishing. 123 00:07:55,639 --> 00:07:59,639 -Because... no-one will feed me? -Because you love fishing. 124 00:07:59,959 --> 00:08:04,720 I don't, actually. How baffling. But it is still a beautiful gift. 125 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:09,839 We have for you a gift of famous Finnish birds. 126 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:11,800 Oh, my goodness! 127 00:08:16,319 --> 00:08:20,800 Thank you! What a lovely clock with a picture an unusual bird... 128 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:25,319 -It is an Angry Bird. -Why is it angry? 129 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:29,720 Because it wants to destroy all the pigs. 130 00:08:30,199 --> 00:08:35,480 -"Angry Birds", right! -It is a computer game, an app. 131 00:08:35,919 --> 00:08:42,600 A successful Finnish export that reflects our software innovation. 132 00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:45,720 -I am a huge fan! -You have played it? 133 00:08:45,799 --> 00:08:50,000 Yes, yes! Although violence in game is a concern. 134 00:08:50,440 --> 00:08:56,840 But in this case it's great fun to kill the pigs... in a game. 135 00:09:11,039 --> 00:09:17,759 The inscription reads "Finland, you are hefty". 136 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:21,440 That is the wrong word! 137 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:23,559 It is ironic, 138 00:09:24,039 --> 00:09:28,320 given that Americans have a higher Body Mass Index than Finns, yes? 139 00:09:28,759 --> 00:09:31,639 Which is why I launched my "Get Moving" campaign, 140 00:09:32,039 --> 00:09:38,440 which is aimed specifically at the obese and the morbidly obese. 141 00:09:42,399 --> 00:09:44,600 Why do you hate numbers so much? 142 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:47,679 You weren't molested by the math teacher! 143 00:09:48,039 --> 00:09:50,879 -What's going on in here? -Hey, Mike! 144 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:57,440 -We have a problem, Mike. -I'll get you the stats summary, sir. 145 00:09:57,519 --> 00:10:01,000 -I am the Metric Dreamweaver. -This is not a Dream Metric issue. 146 00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:03,399 Are you familiar with the Eye of Sauron? 147 00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:07,360 Fire-rimmed all-seeing eye from Tolkien's Lord of The Rings? 148 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:09,399 I saw it on a plane once. 149 00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:12,919 The Eye of Sauron is a near-perfect analogue for the modern media. 150 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:17,600 If we can draw the eye to Helsinki, it won't be looking at what's here. 151 00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:22,279 -And what is going on here, exactly? -I cannot tell you that, Mike. 152 00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:24,320 Is Selina - Gollum? 153 00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:29,440 Enough of this ear-swill. Is this about what I think it's about Kent? 154 00:10:29,519 --> 00:10:31,519 Are you working as a hat check girl now? 155 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:34,240 See that? The Attorney Fucking General! 156 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:37,519 We all know that the lie is worse than the crime. 157 00:10:37,919 --> 00:10:41,279 You're nodding, but you don't know what I'm talking about. 158 00:10:41,679 --> 00:10:44,240 The Song. Close your ears, Mike. 159 00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:47,399 One of the hostages in Uzbekistan was a spy. 160 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:51,080 Some people knew, and neglected to inform Congress. 161 00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:53,799 Other people, like Selina, didn't know, 162 00:10:53,879 --> 00:10:56,519 and have gone on record denying there was a spy. 163 00:10:56,600 --> 00:11:00,200 So for the next 13 months we're going to play "who knew what when", 164 00:11:00,519 --> 00:11:04,879 then some of us go off to the lecture circuit, and some of us go to jail. 165 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:09,200 -Now you can shake your head. -Christ, I hate knowledge. 166 00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:13,440 May I introduce my husband? Osmo Häkkinen. 167 00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:15,799 How do you do. 168 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:20,960 How lovely! That hasn't happened in Washington since 1835. 169 00:11:21,279 --> 00:11:23,000 A pleasure to meet you. 170 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:26,000 Although I am disappointed you have not serenaded us. 171 00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:29,559 The song. I hope you realise it was in jest. 172 00:11:29,639 --> 00:11:33,559 Yes. It is the presumption of the offence that has offended me. 173 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,840 No offence was intended. 174 00:11:36,159 --> 00:11:39,759 But your Communications Director apologized specifically to me. 175 00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:43,480 Giving the impression that I am humorless or petty. I am neither. 176 00:11:43,559 --> 00:11:45,799 -She is neither. -No, she is neither. 177 00:11:45,879 --> 00:11:48,480 Please excuse us for one moment. 178 00:11:51,919 --> 00:11:56,320 That song, unlike your career as a Communications Director will not die. 179 00:11:56,679 --> 00:12:01,279 -Go apologise for the apology. -Yes, ma'am. 180 00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:04,159 Why are you still standing right here? 181 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:06,799 Here he comes, Virgin Atlantic. 182 00:12:07,279 --> 00:12:12,559 I want to apologize for suggesting that the prime minister 183 00:12:12,919 --> 00:12:17,360 may have been personally offended by the song. That's on me, my bad... 184 00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:20,360 Will you be apologizing for this in an hour or so? 185 00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:23,120 -I'm sorry? -Blimey, that was quick. 186 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:30,840 Let's keep this "causing offence then apology" cycle going. 187 00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:34,559 You could step on my dress. I could sneeze in your drink. 188 00:12:34,919 --> 00:12:37,919 It's funny! I can say you've a weird shape head. 189 00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:42,120 Which you don't, you have an ideal head, madam prime-minister. 190 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:46,120 I'm so relieved you have a sense of humor about it. 191 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:49,000 The Finns are famous for their sense of humor. 192 00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:52,559 -Do you know Aki Kaurismaki? -The tennis player? 193 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:55,200 -No. -No? I'm joking. 194 00:12:56,080 --> 00:13:00,360 We, in America, are also famous for our sense of humour. 195 00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:05,320 But seriously, I am so pleased for the agreement we signed today. 196 00:13:05,639 --> 00:13:07,519 Ah, Danteeksi! 197 00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:12,720 Anteeksi means "I'm sorry". The press added a D. 198 00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:18,559 -"Danteeksi". Do you get it? -Very amusing! 199 00:13:18,919 --> 00:13:21,559 The Finns are known for their sense of humour. 200 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:25,279 I apologize, Danteeksi. In advance. 201 00:13:25,799 --> 00:13:30,360 I think this will be the Never Ending Sorry. 202 00:13:33,759 --> 00:13:36,120 -As opposed to story. -Yes! 203 00:13:38,919 --> 00:13:41,240 Wonderful country! 204 00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:47,039 Good evening. Office of the VP: 205 00:13:47,399 --> 00:13:50,480 It's 2pm Sue. Are you on anti- psychotics or in Helsinki? 206 00:13:50,919 --> 00:13:53,080 You need to engorge the VP's schedule. 207 00:13:53,159 --> 00:13:57,159 -I want her charming the Finns. -Pad the schedule? Why, sir? 208 00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:59,960 POTUS wants hands shaken and old women grinned at. 209 00:14:00,039 --> 00:14:03,240 Please accept the necessity of this as a brute fact. 210 00:14:03,639 --> 00:14:08,080 All I've done since I got here is apologise for cancelling events, 211 00:14:08,399 --> 00:14:12,399 apologise for reinstating them, and apologise for apologising. 212 00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:16,000 If you're going to burst into tears, don't come near this dress. 213 00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:17,919 Mike. 214 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:20,960 Remember how we said that none of the students was a spy 215 00:14:21,279 --> 00:14:25,399 because that would endangered the life of the other 3 that weren't spies. 216 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:27,120 One of them was a spy! 217 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,600 -Everything OK? -It's Danteeksi! 218 00:14:30,879 --> 00:14:32,519 Fucking prick! 219 00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:35,639 The President told the Veep that was bullshit. 220 00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:39,639 -She's on record saying it's bullshit. -Just keep her away from the press. 221 00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:42,240 She's already on lock-down because of the song. 222 00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:45,240 -Shall I put her in an iron mask? -Yes, great idea. 223 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:48,960 Would you be offended if I just had a word with the Finance Minister? 224 00:14:49,039 --> 00:14:50,480 No, not at all. 225 00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:55,960 -Your wife is so lovely. -I'm quite a fortunate man. 226 00:14:56,039 --> 00:14:59,639 -You are, what a lovely thing to say! -I'm dying for a smoke. 227 00:15:00,039 --> 00:15:02,519 Tell me about it! I could use a cigarette myself. 228 00:15:02,919 --> 00:15:06,519 -I don't suppose that you... -That would be wonderful. 229 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:08,519 This is my bag man, Gary Walsh. 230 00:15:08,919 --> 00:15:12,720 This is the prime minister's husband, Osmo Hakkinen. 231 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:16,519 I believe in Finland bag man is "kassi". 232 00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:21,360 -Yes, I'll see you outside. -Yes. Thank you. 233 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:23,080 I think I impressed him. 234 00:15:23,399 --> 00:15:26,919 -Cigarette number 6, ma'am. -Calm the fuck down, Judge Judy. 235 00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:30,720 I've been negotiating my ass off all day. And this is number 5. 236 00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:34,960 I want to avoid an incident. The Finns are very anti-smoking. 237 00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:37,240 Cool it, "kassi"! 238 00:15:41,879 --> 00:15:43,480 That's a relief! 239 00:15:43,799 --> 00:15:47,840 I think it's just wonderful how supporting you are of Minna's job. 240 00:15:48,279 --> 00:15:51,600 It's only the Prime Minister of Finland. 241 00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:54,480 Less power than the mayor of Cleveland. 242 00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:58,279 Your Secret Service look as tough as mine. 243 00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:00,440 Shall we get them to fight? 244 00:16:01,679 --> 00:16:05,279 Although seeing as this cigarette are the thing most likely to kill me, 245 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:07,360 I'm surprised that my Secret... 246 00:16:10,799 --> 00:16:12,600 Jesus! 247 00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:19,240 I got you some breath fresheners. Bonbons or gum? 248 00:16:19,559 --> 00:16:21,200 Gary? My boob... 249 00:16:21,799 --> 00:16:24,480 -What? -He grabbed it. 250 00:16:25,559 --> 00:16:28,720 I'm the Vice President of the United States of America 251 00:16:29,279 --> 00:16:31,960 and he just squeezed my tit like a balloon. 252 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:38,519 -I am going to mess him up... -Selina! 253 00:16:39,919 --> 00:16:43,240 Are you quite feeling alright? You look pale. 254 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:46,559 -Maybe go for some fresh air... -No thank you. 255 00:16:46,639 --> 00:16:48,159 -No? -No. 256 00:16:49,639 --> 00:16:54,120 This is Erkki, our Head of Economic Development... 257 00:16:54,519 --> 00:16:57,639 He has two anecdotes, neither worth hearing... 258 00:16:58,279 --> 00:17:01,799 Madam, I just had a text from the White House. 259 00:17:01,879 --> 00:17:03,440 Nothing bad I hope. 260 00:17:03,519 --> 00:17:06,200 There's been a major violation. Of a border. 261 00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,640 -And you get that in a text? -Yes. 262 00:17:09,079 --> 00:17:13,480 I only get texts from my husband saying he's being home late again. 263 00:17:16,279 --> 00:17:19,720 -Just breathe... -My God! Did you see? 264 00:17:20,118 --> 00:17:22,279 -How could you not? -Did you see this? 265 00:17:22,358 --> 00:17:26,279 Yes, yes! I'm gonna get you some water. He looks like a Disney villain. 266 00:17:29,119 --> 00:17:32,960 -Gary, you look leukemic! -I always do. That's just... my look. 267 00:17:33,319 --> 00:17:35,480 You're rocking that look tonight. 268 00:17:35,799 --> 00:17:37,559 Quite a night. 269 00:17:38,519 --> 00:17:41,880 I'll fucking say. Did Gary just text you? 270 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:45,880 Gary knows? Jesus, Mike's gone viral! 271 00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:48,720 -Mike? -We're talking about... 272 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:51,839 -I got groped by Osmo. -POTUS lying about the spy. 273 00:17:52,319 --> 00:17:54,039 -He what? -He fucking what? 274 00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:57,599 -Did you tell her? -He told me the rumours weren't true. 275 00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:01,920 -Can you believe that monster? -What's happened? 276 00:18:02,319 --> 00:18:05,279 -He groped her -POTUS groped you? 277 00:18:05,359 --> 00:18:07,799 No, POTUS wouldn't have the balls to grope me. 278 00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:10,880 -He knew? And he lied? -Knew what? Lied about what? 279 00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:13,079 POTUS knew the student was a spy 280 00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:16,839 and he didn't inform the Congressional Intel Committees. 281 00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:20,759 -What were you talking about? -Osmo groped me. 282 00:18:20,839 --> 00:18:22,400 Shit! 283 00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:26,640 We need to unleash the full might of our nuclear arsenal on Finland. 284 00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:33,039 That's what I forgot to tell you. We are gonna blow up Finland. 285 00:18:33,119 --> 00:18:36,119 -Can I help you? -Don't tell me you've been polling. 286 00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:39,400 I bet when you take a crap it actually comes out as a number 2. 287 00:18:39,799 --> 00:18:43,400 The President needs to admit the student was a spy. 288 00:18:43,759 --> 00:18:46,480 I'm still collating whether admitting is the best course. 289 00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:49,079 I can't believe you are still checking the wind direction! 290 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:52,359 I need more time before the "truth" can emerge in... 291 00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:55,079 The blank looks aren't gonna play here. 292 00:18:55,519 --> 00:18:58,880 You two have been caught with your balls in grandma's mouth. 293 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:02,480 I know what I know. I don't know what you think you know. 294 00:19:03,079 --> 00:19:05,799 Screw your fucking Confucius Grasshoppercrap! 295 00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:08,799 Everybody's going to know, because that's how it goes. 296 00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:11,720 People think POTUS lied about this kid being a spy, 297 00:19:11,799 --> 00:19:15,559 what do you two spunk junkies propose we do about it? 298 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:20,799 -I just had a quick question... -Do they know? Laurel and Retardy? 299 00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:26,440 I need you to add these summaries to the Rollout Overview. Go! 300 00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,400 Round 2! 301 00:19:28,759 --> 00:19:30,559 -Senator Doyle. -Gentlemen. 302 00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:35,920 I figure I'm allowed ten free punches. I'm Chair of the Senate Intel. 303 00:19:36,279 --> 00:19:39,680 That means I should have been informed of any covert action. 304 00:19:39,759 --> 00:19:42,599 -We're all on the same team, right? -Team Fuckup? 305 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:46,359 -Can't find my membership card... -You must look at the bigger picture. 306 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:49,519 That picture shows POTUS lying to the American people. 307 00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:51,400 This is not just a crisis, 308 00:19:51,799 --> 00:19:55,240 this is at least ten years of Oliver Stone movies. 309 00:19:55,559 --> 00:19:58,000 And not the goon ones. Not "Platoon"! 310 00:19:58,079 --> 00:20:02,880 What is wrong with you, Kent? You pull the pin out and throw the grenade away. 311 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:05,519 You don't stick the grenade up your own ass! 312 00:20:05,839 --> 00:20:07,480 That I like to see. 313 00:20:07,559 --> 00:20:09,319 -I need a cigarette. -Oh God! 314 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:11,559 Not "Oh God", Get me the cigarette! 315 00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:14,519 The President I support, 316 00:20:14,599 --> 00:20:19,559 the one I'm loyal to as my job, lies to me. 317 00:20:21,119 --> 00:20:23,519 After I apologised for apologising, 318 00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:27,319 I started putting meet the people events back in your schedule... 319 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,279 Cancel them all. And apologise for cancelling them. 320 00:20:30,359 --> 00:20:34,079 More apologies? I apologised less when I banged my brother's fiance. 321 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:37,440 What are you bitching about? I am the one under pressure! 322 00:20:37,759 --> 00:20:42,440 -Get it together, lady! -What about the grope? Come on! 323 00:20:42,759 --> 00:20:45,200 -Thank you! -This was an attack on America. 324 00:20:46,039 --> 00:20:49,119 It's a sexual 9/11. 325 00:20:49,759 --> 00:20:52,920 Or a sexual Cuban missile crisis at the very least. 326 00:20:53,319 --> 00:20:56,400 We cannot go public with the grope. It will define you. 327 00:20:56,720 --> 00:21:00,640 Having your tits fondled by a Finn will be what you're remembered for. 328 00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:04,000 -They can't build a statue on that. -That's right! 329 00:21:04,559 --> 00:21:07,519 No-one must know. Especially Kent. 330 00:21:08,319 --> 00:21:11,559 -He'll use it against me. -A Grope Matrix... 331 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:19,000 Because he's a man. Because this is a Man's World in that we live in. 332 00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:23,759 Because of the axis of dick. 333 00:21:35,759 --> 00:21:37,480 This fish is delicious. 334 00:21:38,039 --> 00:21:40,160 -What is this fish? -It is chicken. 335 00:21:40,599 --> 00:21:42,079 -The breast? -Yes. 336 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:46,079 In America, we actually call fish "Chicken of the Sea" 337 00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:50,960 I love fish. Some men don't like the taste. I do. 338 00:21:54,279 --> 00:21:56,279 Thank you. Madam prime-minister, 339 00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:59,759 I don't have I had the chance to introduce you to Gary Walsh. 340 00:21:59,839 --> 00:22:01,319 No, you have not. 341 00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:05,960 I'm the VP's bag man, which I believe in Finland you say "kassi". 342 00:22:06,279 --> 00:22:09,480 -Excuse me? -I'm a "kassi"! 343 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:14,839 Where did you get this translation from? 344 00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:19,119 A Finnish girl I know at the embassy in DC. She gave me lessons. 345 00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:24,599 "Kassi" is bag. But it's not "bag man". 346 00:22:25,119 --> 00:22:27,240 It means "man bag". 347 00:22:28,319 --> 00:22:31,960 It is a container. A testicle container. 348 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:38,200 Don't be ashamed, Gary. Because you're not a ball sack. 349 00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:43,359 Not everyone can say... excuse me... they're not a ball sack. 350 00:22:43,839 --> 00:22:46,839 Not even everyone on this very table! 351 00:22:48,119 --> 00:22:51,559 He just wants us to add regional summaries from the stick. 352 00:22:52,039 --> 00:22:54,440 -What's "add"...? -Command A, hombre. 353 00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:57,359 Thought it was "Control A". OK, here we go. 354 00:22:57,720 --> 00:23:01,440 -Send. -Maybe it was "Control A". 355 00:23:02,039 --> 00:23:05,799 I think you selected all and sent out everything on that drive. 356 00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,519 -That's what you told me to do! -No, I did not. 357 00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:12,000 I said Control A and you misheard it... 358 00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:17,960 -Can I burn this computer? -Why would you burn that, Mike ? 359 00:23:20,759 --> 00:23:22,359 Mike! Excuse me. 360 00:23:23,119 --> 00:23:24,799 What's up? 361 00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:28,119 We just sent out Kent's polling consultation on the spy. 362 00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:30,960 -What spy? -One of the hostages was a spy. 363 00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:37,680 Fuck you, Mike! That's why you like sailing! 364 00:23:38,039 --> 00:23:41,960 You are a fucking anchor, dragging people on the bottom of the ocean! 365 00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:46,319 That was phase one questions. What if the President lied? 366 00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:50,519 But not that, that sounds bad. It was more coded, which still is bad. 367 00:23:51,759 --> 00:23:55,759 Yeah. It would have got out anyway, right? 368 00:23:56,440 --> 00:23:59,119 This is the internet, you can't keep a secret.. 369 00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:03,960 -It's DC! Everyone here talks. -We just need to stay calm. 370 00:24:04,319 --> 00:24:07,680 -Keep walking, and avoid... -It doesn't work like that! 371 00:24:08,319 --> 00:24:11,880 If you could see how I framed the question, you'd understand that. 372 00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:14,319 Tell it to Oprah when you mount your comeback, 373 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:17,240 you sent it to me and every second bozo in the building. 374 00:24:17,319 --> 00:24:19,960 -I didn't. -What the fuck were you thinking? 375 00:24:20,039 --> 00:24:24,480 You've marked it "highly confidential" guaranteeing this thing goes viral. 376 00:24:24,799 --> 00:24:28,759 The Vice-President got groped by the Finnish prime minister's husband! 377 00:24:28,839 --> 00:24:32,039 What? Why are you telling me? That's just... weird. 378 00:24:32,119 --> 00:24:35,319 It's unfortuned. Was it up in the hills or down the valley? 379 00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:41,279 Sir, I was thinking the Eye of Sauron? Keep the focus on Helsinki. Sailing. 380 00:24:41,359 --> 00:24:44,759 Congratulations Kent. You just brought down this Presidency. 381 00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:50,559 The weather here in Helsinki has been hellishly cold. 382 00:24:51,519 --> 00:24:55,000 Kent's polling data got emailed. POTUS' spy lie just went public. 383 00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:58,039 OK, we're pulling out. Let's go. Shortest Q&A ever. 384 00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:04,599 We have weather issues so we can only take three questions. 385 00:25:04,680 --> 00:25:06,759 -You will be hearing from me! -Yes? 386 00:25:06,839 --> 00:25:08,559 -Yes! -Good bye! 387 00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:10,799 Two more questions. 388 00:25:10,880 --> 00:25:13,279 Was this visit about the agreement or the song? 389 00:25:13,359 --> 00:25:18,240 We are very pleased about the agreement and we agreed on that. 390 00:25:18,319 --> 00:25:22,000 Where I come from, we kill people for looking at us funny. 391 00:25:22,079 --> 00:25:25,000 We waterboard people who haven't even done anything. 392 00:25:25,359 --> 00:25:29,799 And you raped my tit. Yeah, you did! 393 00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:31,680 So I'm coming for you. 394 00:25:32,079 --> 00:25:36,920 because I am an angry bird and you are a pig. 395 00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:41,000 Will you apologize for the spy? 396 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:45,240 Did the President know one of the hostages was CIA? Did you know? 397 00:25:45,319 --> 00:25:47,559 I stand with the President. 398 00:25:51,799 --> 00:25:55,000 "I stand with the President." Why did I say that? 399 00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:58,839 -Can we pretend you didn't say it? -What will people think I mean by it? 400 00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:03,079 That you stand with the President. There's not a ton of ambiguity there. 401 00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:07,599 Who knew that being sexually assaulted wouldn't be the worst thing to happen? 402 00:26:08,079 --> 00:26:11,680 -That's something for the memoirs. -I am never going back there. 403 00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:17,519 "Danteeksi"? I am sorry I ever set foot in that fish-eating hellhole! 404 00:26:17,839 --> 00:26:20,640 Get over it! I told everyone I was a scrotum! 405 00:26:21,119 --> 00:26:24,480 -You did, didn't you? -Did you hear that? 406 00:26:24,839 --> 00:26:27,480 -He's not. -Ma'am, are you OK? 407 00:26:28,759 --> 00:26:31,039 I don't know, I guess so. Sure. 408 00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:37,480 No. Would it be so hard for people not to be assholes? 409 00:26:38,039 --> 00:26:39,480 I wouldn't know. 410 00:26:42,319 --> 00:26:44,200 Why are you coughing, ma'am? 411 00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:49,240 Because I caught a cold. 412 00:26:50,519 --> 00:26:54,160 I have just found out who that British reporter is, the creepy guy! 413 00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:57,759 He was like a noisy ghost. Dave Wickford. 414 00:26:59,079 --> 00:27:01,920 Says here two divorces. No children. 415 00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:05,680 57 Twitter followers. That's shit for a journalist. 416 00:27:07,079 --> 00:27:09,799 Europe used to be my favorite continent. 417 00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:12,119 - Now it's not even in my top five. 418 00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:15,119 END OF EPISODE 5 SEASON 2