1
00:00:15,199 --> 00:00:17,839
VEEP
Season 2, Episode 6

2
00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:20,559
So incorruptible tribunes
of the free press,

3
00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:22,879
please enjoy
this Finnish breakfast.

4
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As you know, the VP signed a historic
software agreement with Finland...

5
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:30,440
Wasn't her trip overshadowed by the
song where she mocked Europeans?

6
00:00:30,519 --> 00:00:33,280
She wasn't mocking Europeans.
The song was jesty.

7
00:00:33,359 --> 00:00:37,679
But right now she is meeting with
the house majority leader, Mary King,

8
00:00:37,759 --> 00:00:41,520
for a debt reduction deal that's going
to avert a government shutdown.

9
00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:45,280
Selina Meyer is becoming the most
effective American VPs in history.

10
00:00:45,359 --> 00:00:48,679
She was crucial in freeing
of the Uzbekistan hostages, correct?

11
00:00:48,759 --> 00:00:52,079
Yes. Um, the software...

12
00:00:52,159 --> 00:00:57,079
She knew that one of the hostages was
a spy endangering the other 3 students?

13
00:00:59,119 --> 00:01:01,240
Possibly not quite at the time.

14
00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:05,959
So all this stuff about being a crucial
part of the military rescue is a lie?

15
00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:10,120
Slow down. Is your blood sugar off?
Have a pastry or some herring, okay?

16
00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:11,879
Answer the question.

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00:01:11,959 --> 00:01:14,879
I don't know what she knew
or when she knew it, Leon.

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00:01:14,959 --> 00:01:19,200
Either she knew that the student
was a spy and lied when she denied it,

19
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or she didn't know
that he was a spy,

20
00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:24,959
but lied about knowing
the details of the military rescue.

21
00:01:25,039 --> 00:01:28,079
-This isn't "Meyer the Liar" again.
-Well, it is now.

22
00:01:28,439 --> 00:01:31,680
This isn't gonna be a cakewalk, Selina.
This one's the hard bargaining.

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-Don't worry. I know how to haggle...
-You betcha.

24
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-How are your boys?
-They're great. How's Catherine?

25
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She's 21. We're having a party
tonight, so I'm excited about that.

26
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-Tonight?
-Yeah!

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All you ever want for these kids
is to be happy and healthy

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and stay out of Middle East politics,
so two out of three ain't bad.

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-I'm amazed you can laugh about that.
-Yes. I'm laughing about it.

30
00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:01,560
She has that boyfriend, then...

31
00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:04,400
Should we get going
with this business at hand?

32
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I wonder how it's going in there.
It's like waiting for a biopsy result.

33
00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:13,478
Mary's a player. She did own Brian Earl
in negotiations by pretending to faint.

34
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So after Catherine's birthday party
tonight, you want to grab a bite?

35
00:02:16,919 --> 00:02:20,520
-Talk about Helsinki? Strategize?
-I have a date for tonight.

36
00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:24,120
-Yeah? Who is it?
-Ed.

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What does Ed do?

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Webster's the fundraiser for the party
he's working for Selina for 5 years.

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-Sue.
-Cracked under questioning.

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He's one of Selina's guys? You swore
you were only gonna date outside D.C.

41
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He works in Boston.

42
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My mom doesn't live in Rome,
but she's still a fucking Catholic.

43
00:02:41,319 --> 00:02:43,759
-Are you getting worked up, Danny?
-Shut up, Gary.

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00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:46,879
-So happy you're happy for me, Dan.
-Do you want a fucking cake?

45
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,280
Look, I can be happy!
There you go.

46
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The only cut here is
on unemployment insurance.

47
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You know POTUS is not gonna make
any cuts to unemployment insurance.

48
00:02:58,039 --> 00:03:00,639
Do I need to explain
to you how haggling works?

49
00:03:00,719 --> 00:03:03,360
-How about a 10 percent cut to NIH?
-I need 20!

50
00:03:03,439 --> 00:03:05,240
I can't.

51
00:03:05,319 --> 00:03:07,120
-God bless you.
-Thank you.

52
00:03:07,199 --> 00:03:10,719
Then the only obvious solution
is unemployment insurance.

53
00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:14,319
No. I told you I can't do that.

54
00:03:18,319 --> 00:03:19,960
What are you doing?

55
00:03:20,759 --> 00:03:24,360
You stalling for time?
Let me get you a Kleenex, yeah?

56
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I think it's over. Sneezes always
come in threes.

57
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Is that so?
That was a fourth.

58
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So maybe I need to tell you about
how counting works, right?

59
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Would you raise the fees
on Indian Health Services?

60
00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:42,478
-Are you gonna faint?
-I'm not. Very funny.

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Do you want water?
I'll get you some water.

62
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I'm gonna get you water.

63
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-How's it going, ma'am?
-You're really hard-balling her.

64
00:03:52,439 --> 00:03:55,120
No, she's pretending
to cough herself inside out.

65
00:03:55,439 --> 00:03:57,560
Could you get her some water,
please?

66
00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:00,520
Oh my god. Mary?
Are you all right?

67
00:04:00,919 --> 00:04:04,439
-I'm having an allergic reaction.
-What are you allergic to?

68
00:04:04,759 --> 00:04:06,560
-Is there cat hair?
-I have cats.

69
00:04:06,879 --> 00:04:09,719
Gary. We need the water.
Yeah, there you go.

70
00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:12,439
Is it this mohair?
It could be the mohair.

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Did you eat nuts?
No?

72
00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:18,759
Is it the flowers? The ones
I got for Catherine's birthday.

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00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:22,480
-Those fuckers! That's it!
-Shit, okay, all right. Sorry.

74
00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:24,399
Gary! Deflower the room.

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00:04:24,959 --> 00:04:27,279
A sentence I bet
you thought you'd never hear.

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00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:30,879
I'm not good for another 4 hours.
We've gotta take this up tonight.

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- It's my daughter's 21st birthday.
-Well don't go.

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I can't not go. Would you miss
your son's civil union ceremony?

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I did.

80
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Then you have to come to Catherine's.
We've gotta finish this tonight.

81
00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:48,040
-Yes, we do. Tonight.
-Come. You can bring a plus one.

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00:04:49,159 --> 00:04:52,040
Stick and coat and tie
on a fucking oxygen tank.

83
00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:56,040
Mike, Leon West called my line twice.
Did you lose your phone? Again?

84
00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:59,279
No, Leon's a little skeptical
about the whole spy thing

85
00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:02,360
and some dumbass
is resurrecting "Meyer the Liar".

86
00:05:02,439 --> 00:05:05,040
Just because my last name
rhymes with liar?

87
00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:09,480
How lucky am I that I'm not
Selina Mapist or Selina Metaphile?

88
00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:12,920
Mary King looks like
she's been thrown up by a whale.

89
00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:17,000
-Yeah, she had an allergy attack.
-Tell me you did the deal.

90
00:05:17,079 --> 00:05:20,600
I'm gonna finish it tonight.
She's coming to Catherine's party.

91
00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:23,439
If we don't get
this done by midnight,

92
00:05:23,839 --> 00:05:27,319
we're all gonna turn into ugly
sisters and get eaten by wolves.

93
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-Sonic Boom in the room. Ma'am.
-Knock.

94
00:05:30,879 --> 00:05:35,199
POTUS wanted me to come here, peep
the skinny on the debt negotiation.

95
00:05:35,279 --> 00:05:37,680
Okay, it's a fire hazard,
so let's just...

96
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:42,240
So, the president's already
going through a lot of pressure

97
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about this hostage lying bullshit.

98
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He's under pressure?
I'm under pressure.

99
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You could say you were out
of the loop for the hostage rescue,

100
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which would make
you look clueless,

101
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or you could say you were in the loop,
which would make you look devious.

102
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Either way,
just blur the fuck out of it.

103
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Ma'am, anything that I can...

104
00:06:05,199 --> 00:06:08,800
Amy, Ed Webster's here to see you.
His voice sounded clammy.

105
00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:12,000
-Okay, that's good.
-Look at you all flustered.

106
00:06:12,399 --> 00:06:14,839
It's good that
you'll have sex soon.

107
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We need to prep
two press releases

108
00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:20,360
for the end of the Mary talks
at the party tonight.

109
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Version one, "Selina Meyer ends
Fiscal Deadlock, Saves America."

110
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Two:"Mary King Steals Peace Pipe,
Breaks It In Half, Shits All Over It."

111
00:06:30,319 --> 00:06:33,720
Ma'am, your ex-husband just called.
He wants to pick up Catherine.

112
00:06:34,079 --> 00:06:36,839
No, I have a car
picking her up already.

113
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:40,920
He is such a conniving, grabby
prick. Is it typical, or what?

114
00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:43,800
-Just wrong.
-I hate him so much.

115
00:06:43,879 --> 00:06:46,279
I'm sorry. Can I ask why?

116
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:50,000
This'll explain it perfectly.
Valentine's Day. A couple years ago.

117
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He gave me a black Porsche he bought
with Catherine's trust fund money.

118
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He just fluffs ya
and then he fucks ya.

119
00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:01,399
-Speaking of...
-Oh yeah, that's the perfect example.

120
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:06,040
There you go. So he took me
to Cap d'Antibes for the night.

121
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Yeah. They had crazy intercourse.

122
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Only after which he told me
that he sold our second home.

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Yeak, he's like a belly dancer
with a hammer.

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That would hurt.

125
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I'm not worried about Andy, because
I'm gonna completely obliterate him

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with my fucking poise and
sophistication. You know what I mean?

127
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Did you hear that?

128
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She's calling him "Andy
instead of "Andrew." It's starting.

129
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:37,839
Every time Andy is on the scene,
she gets all...

130
00:07:38,279 --> 00:07:42,480
Giddy. She's this terrible laugh.
She's like...

131
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Exactly.

132
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-She said she hates him.
-She does!

133
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But every time
she gets around him...

134
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It's like a cat on a hot tin dog.

135
00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:58,240
-Gary, you know my red thing?
-Yes.

136
00:07:58,319 --> 00:08:01,920
-You think that it shows enough skin?
-Yeah.

137
00:08:02,439 --> 00:08:06,399
Okay. I'm gonna be the sexiest woman
to ever exude fiscal prudence.

138
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,720
And that's a very tough
look to pull off, don't you think?

139
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:12,800
-You can't wear a bra with that one.
-Yeah, I know.

140
00:08:12,879 --> 00:08:14,480
Amy!

141
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:19,240
Hey, Ed. How are...
I see you're ready for the party.

142
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Fair warning.
I party pretty hard.

143
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You should see me dance.
I can't be controlled.

144
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I do a lot of pelvic thrusts.
Just very localized dancing.

145
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Very small orbits. I've been
wrecking parties since I was 13.

146
00:08:33,639 --> 00:08:36,279
I was like the Hunter S. Thompson
of bar mitzvahs.

147
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Is the vice president here? I didn't
want it to seem like I was lurking.

148
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I think she'll be
thrilled to see you again.

149
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:44,440
Madame Vice President.

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-Hello.
-Hi.

151
00:08:50,799 --> 00:08:54,039
-You know Ed.
-Yes, of course.

152
00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:59,679
We met in bum-fuck Idaho,
I think it was.

153
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:02,279
-D.C.
-Yes, yes, yes.

154
00:09:02,759 --> 00:09:05,120
That's what I like
to call D.C. as a joke.

155
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:10,559
-Yeah, great.
-I'll see you again soon, ma'am.

156
00:09:11,039 --> 00:09:12,840
-We'll meet there.
-OK. Bye.

157
00:09:13,799 --> 00:09:18,120
Don't worry she didn't remember you!
It's only 'cause you're a non-entity.

158
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,080
-Who is he?
-That's Ed Webster.

159
00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:23,639
He's my date for tonight.
He runs your PACs Boston office.

160
00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:27,120
He's really connected,
lobbyist turned fundraiser.

161
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:30,080
Not the guy at a bus station
with a bucket, right?

162
00:09:30,159 --> 00:09:34,840
I am ready to take on Andrew. I need
my happy pills and a little bit of joy.

163
00:09:39,559 --> 00:09:43,240
-So what do you think? Do you like it?
-Yeah, it's unreal, mom.

164
00:09:43,559 --> 00:09:47,679
Don't you think you and your friends
would call this an epic succeed?

165
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:50,759
-Something like that.
-There's your dad.

166
00:09:51,159 --> 00:09:54,799
-Doing that thing that he does.
-Pleasantly talking to other people?

167
00:09:54,879 --> 00:09:57,440
He remembers
one little thing about each person...

168
00:09:57,519 --> 00:10:00,120
Lawrence, still
running marathons?

169
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,639
It's surprising you still
got any nipples left.

170
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:06,200
And, Jenny, nice to see you!
Remember when you said

171
00:10:06,519 --> 00:10:10,320
you were way into Twilight and
I thought you meant the time of day?

172
00:10:10,679 --> 00:10:13,960
It is the most dangerous time
for traffic, though.

173
00:10:14,039 --> 00:10:16,000
Please enjoy yourselves.

174
00:10:16,399 --> 00:10:18,039
-Andrew! How are you?
-Mary.

175
00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:20,480
Wonderful to see you,
congresswoman.

176
00:10:20,879 --> 00:10:23,720
Mom, you even invited the house
majority leader to my party?

177
00:10:23,799 --> 00:10:27,440
It's the hundred billion cut-off.
You've heard about that, right?

178
00:10:27,519 --> 00:10:31,919
We are fixing the biggest problem
facing the world here at your party,

179
00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:34,360
so that's kind of cool,
don't you think?

180
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:37,960
-Hi, I got you a glass of champagne.
-Thank you, Rahim.

181
00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:40,399
-You drink alcohol?
-Yes, ma'am.

182
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:43,679
-You Iranians are full of surprises.
-Salamati.

183
00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:47,399
-What did he just say?
-I don't know. Some gibberish.

184
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:51,519
Baby, once you've said hello to
everyone, do you want to go clubbing?

185
00:10:51,919 --> 00:10:53,759
Yeah, anywhere but here.

186
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:56,919
-Ben, what are you doing here?
-I spoke to POTUS.

187
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,879
And he said okay on the cuts
on unemployment benefits.

188
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:03,240
All the other deals are done,
so let's get this tied up

189
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:05,320
so we can get this party started!

190
00:11:05,399 --> 00:11:08,200
What did you do?
You plus ten'd yourself here?

191
00:11:08,279 --> 00:11:11,159
I brought number crunchers
to help you finish the deal.

192
00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:15,080
One of them is a designated driver,
'cause I am going to get fucked up.

193
00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:20,559
You look so good.
You're like a work of art.

194
00:11:20,879 --> 00:11:25,919
You make this stuff look like shit.
Compared to you, that Monet is shit.

195
00:11:28,759 --> 00:11:30,960
-Are you ready?
-Give me five minutes.

196
00:11:31,279 --> 00:11:34,919
-I just gotta go talk to Andrew, okay?
-The ex? Three minutes.

197
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:37,600
Are you negotiating already?
I'll give you four.

198
00:11:37,919 --> 00:11:39,759
I cut her off at three.
Okay?

199
00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:42,759
-Hi, Selina.
-Hi, Andrew!

200
00:11:43,159 --> 00:11:45,879
It's nice to see you
greeting everybody here at the party

201
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:48,360
as if it was your own fabulous party.

202
00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:50,519
-Are you fucking with me?
-I might be.

203
00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:53,960
-You look wonderful.
-Thank you very much.

204
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:56,960
-You're very tanned. What was that?
-Cayman.

205
00:11:57,039 --> 00:11:59,240
I've been starting to scuba dive.

206
00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:02,159
Magical to be down there
with the coral and the fish.

207
00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:05,279
-Feeling up all the mermaids.
-They should cover up.

208
00:12:05,639 --> 00:12:08,919
If they don't want action,
they shouldn't advertise.

209
00:12:09,279 --> 00:12:10,639
Oh, gosh!

210
00:12:11,039 --> 00:12:13,519
-Our little Catherine!
-She's still cute.

211
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:17,519
-Remember that first apartment?
-Yeah, I do remember that apartment.

212
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,559
-It was a nice apartment, actually.
-Was.

213
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:24,519
What are you doing?
Are you gonna propose?

214
00:12:26,159 --> 00:12:28,000
What would your answer be?

215
00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:31,519
My answer would be
"Jesus fucking Christ."

216
00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:35,039
Ma'am, Mary King is very anxious
to speak with you.

217
00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:36,919
At Catherine's birthday?

218
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:40,039
I'm trying to keep the
government from shutting down.

219
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,519
Did you see that?
I had him in the palm of my hand!

220
00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:47,600
Technically, he had the palm
of your hand in his hands.

221
00:12:47,919 --> 00:12:50,039
You need to be
really careful, sweetie.

222
00:12:50,679 --> 00:12:54,399
-Gary, you just called me sweetie.
-Oh my god!

223
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:58,639
-I'm sorry. That's what I call Dana.
-Did you ever call Dana "ma'am?"

224
00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:00,840
I did once and it was awful.

225
00:13:00,919 --> 00:13:03,759
If I were drunk right now,
would you kiss me?

226
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:08,120
-Yeah.
-No, Gary, I'm kidding.

227
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:10,080
Right.

228
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,120
I'm gonna get a drink.

229
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:18,039
Okay! It's time drop
a party bomb up here!

230
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:20,919
Happy 21st birthday, Catherine!

231
00:13:22,279 --> 00:13:25,039
I want to talk to you
about targeted base closings.

232
00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:28,639
-Not if it upsets my district.
-Something sex my dick trick?

233
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,559
-Did you say, "Dick?"
-Sex your dick trick.

234
00:13:31,919 --> 00:13:34,120
-I don't understand.
-It was funny.

235
00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:36,679
-We gotta get out of here.
-All right. Where?

236
00:13:36,759 --> 00:13:38,399
We'll find some place.

237
00:13:38,799 --> 00:13:42,919
You look great in an art gallery,
'cause you kind of are a work of art.

238
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:46,320
I know I'd like to nail
you up against a wall.

239
00:13:46,399 --> 00:13:49,159
No, that was knowing.
I was being knowing.

240
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:53,120
It looks like we're gonna be able
to move on unemployment.

241
00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:56,159
Unemployment benefits?
On the table.

242
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:59,360
I'm authorized to come down
on OSHA from 25 to 17.

243
00:13:59,799 --> 00:14:03,080
-No, I need a single digit.
-I can't give you a single digit.

244
00:14:03,639 --> 00:14:06,519
It's not just about the lies!
It's the fucking deceit!

245
00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:09,960
Yeah, we are gonna make it up
elsewhere. Hang on just a second.

246
00:14:10,399 --> 00:14:14,039
Gals? Keep it down! There are people
trying to have a conversation.

247
00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:17,440
-She took my boyfriend's number!
-He gave it to me!

248
00:14:17,759 --> 00:14:20,759
You haven't given me a number on
unemployment benefits.

249
00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:23,960
My number's gonna be
point four percent.

250
00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:26,519
I can't do this.

251
00:14:26,879 --> 00:14:29,879
I can't do math
with this kind of noise.

252
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:33,320
-I cannot stand teenage girls.
-Were you ever one?

253
00:14:33,399 --> 00:14:35,000
-Never.
-Me neither.

254
00:14:35,799 --> 00:14:40,559
Amy and Ed, work for the VP,
K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

255
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:42,759
-Fuck off, Mike.
-Sure.

256
00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:46,279
The Veep looks smoking tonight!

257
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:50,279
I wonder how much vodka we'd need
to have a little Mrs. Robinson moment.

258
00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:52,440
That is extremely disrespectful.

259
00:14:52,879 --> 00:14:55,879
That's like the highest compliment
you can give somebody.

260
00:14:56,440 --> 00:15:00,120
By the way, I love how much you guys
being together is fucking with Dan.

261
00:15:00,519 --> 00:15:04,320
-Amy and Dan used to date, FYI.
-Thanks for the back-grounding!

262
00:15:04,679 --> 00:15:07,000
Does that mean
you're back on the market?

263
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:10,519
Are you hitting on my date
during my date? Are you on meds?

264
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:13,240
Yeah, antibiotics.
Just keep 'em fresh.

265
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:17,360
I'm not mentally ill,
if that's what you're implying.

266
00:15:24,799 --> 00:15:27,720
Hello? Hi, everyone.

267
00:15:28,399 --> 00:15:33,320
I just wanted to say a couple
of words to my awesome daughter.

268
00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:40,120
I wanted to pause and just say
that I think at times like these,

269
00:15:40,519 --> 00:15:45,799
it is great to see family and friends
and to hear family and friends,

270
00:15:46,399 --> 00:15:51,960
to be able to talk and to listen
and to speak and to be heard.

271
00:15:53,279 --> 00:15:56,200
And I think sometimes
we need to just take time.

272
00:15:56,639 --> 00:16:03,039
Not long at all, I mean, maybe
10 minutes or maybe 15 is also good.

273
00:16:03,559 --> 00:16:07,480
I'm gonna suggest that we have
a little constructive talking time.

274
00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:11,559
So do you have any sort
of chillaxing kind of music?

275
00:16:11,919 --> 00:16:14,200
And then you keep
that playing until,

276
00:16:14,639 --> 00:16:17,600
only until I gave you
a signal, not before.

277
00:16:19,039 --> 00:16:22,960
And happy birthday, Catherine!

278
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:31,960
All right. If you can give me
one percent unemployment benefits...

279
00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:36,440
... I can go 10 on NIH,
8 off agricultural subsidies

280
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:39,759
and the baseline is your budget
proposal from last year.

281
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:42,840
-Okay. Those numbers add up?
-I make it 10?

282
00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:46,600
-Twelve? No, how'd you get that?
-You're forgetting energy.

283
00:16:46,679 --> 00:16:49,480
Of course. Check this out then.
Do we have a deal?

284
00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:51,519
Yeah.

285
00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:54,879
You nearly killed me,
but we have a deal.

286
00:16:55,519 --> 00:16:57,639
-Put her there!
-Congratulations.

287
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,519
I can't believe it!
That's so great.

288
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:04,118
Now I have to sell it to my caucus
before I turn into a pumpkin.

289
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:06,319
All right, you'll do it.
Oh, god!

290
00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:14,400
-Jesus, 21 year olds move fast.
-Yeah, tell me about it.

291
00:17:16,079 --> 00:17:18,400
-You look good, ma'am.
-Thanks, Jonas.

292
00:17:18,799 --> 00:17:20,920
-You look really good.
-Thank you!

293
00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:22,920
Yes, ma'am!

294
00:17:27,839 --> 00:17:30,640
Have you guys seen this?
"When the cake was cut

295
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:34,240
and the guests sang happy birthday,
the VP was nowhere to be seen."

296
00:17:34,319 --> 00:17:38,240
They say I had a huge fight with Andrew
and that our relationship is a sham.

297
00:17:38,559 --> 00:17:41,640
Monsters. It's like first
Princess Diana, now this.

298
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:45,359
They think you and Andrew were
playing it up to the cameras.

299
00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:48,400
And they're using this
"Meyer the Liar" bullshit again.

300
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:50,400
Hey Mike, who dug that up?

301
00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:54,160
Probably some idiot remembered it
and all of a sudden, it got traction.

302
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:57,240
And this is from Huff Po.
Randall Howard's forthcoming book

303
00:17:57,319 --> 00:18:00,200
claims your relationship with Andrew
during the presidential campaign

304
00:18:00,279 --> 00:18:02,440
was a lie invented
by you to mislead voters.

305
00:18:02,759 --> 00:18:04,759
-That's a lie, right?
-Yeah.

306
00:18:05,079 --> 00:18:09,160
It's true and it's what happened,
but it's Ken's lie. It's not my lie.

307
00:18:09,559 --> 00:18:15,240
"Meyer the Liar" has huge mo now and,
as people say, "If rhymes, it chimes."

308
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:19,200
-Who says that? No one says that.
-I heard someone say that.

309
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:21,640
It's becoming a narrative right now,

310
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:26,000
and the narrative is that you faked
it before so you must be faking it now.

311
00:18:26,079 --> 00:18:27,640
Great. Here's Eeyore.

312
00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:30,880
Deal boom, party boom,
you are the boom-boom Veep.

313
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:34,839
Catherine didn't appreciate the fiscal
party crashers last night.

314
00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:38,200
Andy and I have to take her out
to dinner tonight to make up...

315
00:18:38,279 --> 00:18:42,400
You'll be in public, so whatever you
do don't look like you're faking it

316
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:46,240
because this "Meyer the Liar" thing
is just an avalanche of shit right now.

317
00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:49,799
And I'm swimming in it and
I'm breathing it in through my snorkel.

318
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:53,440
You need to issue a statement, okay?
"My private life is private."

319
00:18:53,519 --> 00:18:56,359
"Besides, Andrew and I,
we get along just fine."

320
00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:59,680
Ironically, Ben, we actually
are getting along just fine.

321
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:03,279
-That's a great fake.
-No, it's not a fake.

322
00:19:03,759 --> 00:19:07,119
-That's a real thing.
-Oh, well, great. Say that.

323
00:19:09,079 --> 00:19:12,759
I'm so sorry that party last night
turned into an economic summit.

324
00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:15,880
-But here we are now for you..
-Happy birthday.

325
00:19:16,359 --> 00:19:19,359
And to you, the man
who swims with sharks.

326
00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:21,359
Also started free diving.

327
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:24,880
Is that when you try and hold
your breath for as long as possible?

328
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:28,559
I kind of like sitting next to
my mother after Thanksgiving dinner.

329
00:19:29,599 --> 00:19:32,079
-You're doing your fake laugh again.
-What?

330
00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:35,079
Come on. This is nice.
I can't tell if it's fake.

331
00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:37,960
-You can never tell if it was fake.
-Yes I could.

332
00:19:38,359 --> 00:19:42,200
-What, are you some sort expert?
-In certain areas.

333
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:45,519
-What is going on right now?
-This is flirting.

334
00:19:45,839 --> 00:19:49,640
-Your mother is an excellent flirt.
-You should take flirting notes.

335
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:53,079
This is like a settelist putting
a nude photo on Facebook.

336
00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:57,480
Selina would notice the invisible man
from the Boston PAC office

337
00:19:57,559 --> 00:20:00,440
if I showed up at the office
in a Pac-Man costume?

338
00:20:00,519 --> 00:20:04,839
-I know, I'm sorry.
-I'm sorry, why are you sorry?

339
00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:08,640
I don't know. I heard whining
and I assumed I needed to apologize.

340
00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:12,680
How long have you not
been listening to me?

341
00:20:12,759 --> 00:20:15,880
I need to watch this because Andrew
is like a dormant volcano

342
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:18,279
and he can just blow at any second.

343
00:20:18,599 --> 00:20:21,640
-I think I'm gonna have the scallops.
-I'm gonna have...

344
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,960
I know what you're gonna have.
You are going to have...

345
00:20:25,039 --> 00:20:26,960
Don't do that.
Put your hand down.

346
00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:31,799
I can't stand
that alpha male arrogant thing.

347
00:20:32,119 --> 00:20:36,240
Okay, it's not arrogant, and fuck
you for thinking so.

348
00:20:36,319 --> 00:20:39,279
Forgive me, I was just
anticipating your order.

349
00:20:39,359 --> 00:20:41,839
-Which was?
-Lamb cutlets.

350
00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:44,640
-No.
-Yeah, I'm sorry I know you.

351
00:20:45,079 --> 00:20:48,359
You're not a big mystery to me,
and I'm very much enjoying

352
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:52,000
that plastered on smile,
because people are watching.

353
00:20:52,599 --> 00:20:55,680
Don't be a bastard, Andrew.
You gotta do the same face.

354
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:58,559
You put it on, too.
There we go.

355
00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:02,279
Okay, well now this flirting
is a little bit more subtle.

356
00:21:02,359 --> 00:21:05,920
And so Eddie, who do you know?
You know Ray McCaskill?

357
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:09,839
Yeah, he's a great guy.
We both are into 80s buddy comedies,

358
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,440
which is ironically
how we became buddies.

359
00:21:12,519 --> 00:21:15,119
-Fuck buddies.
-Jonah, why are you here?

360
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:17,839
You really don't have
anything to do, do you?

361
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:20,519
-No, look, ignore him.
-Ignore who?

362
00:21:21,759 --> 00:21:24,920
I think that lady right there
just took a photo of Selina.

363
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:26,440
This one?

364
00:21:26,519 --> 00:21:29,759
I understand that you guys have
a love-hate relationship,

365
00:21:29,839 --> 00:21:32,960
but most people
alternate emotions.

366
00:21:33,039 --> 00:21:35,599
We've always had a volatile
relationship.

367
00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:37,920
By that you mean batshit crazy.

368
00:21:38,319 --> 00:21:41,000
Yes, there was fights.
Long, hard fights.

369
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:46,079
Followed by long,
hard making out, right?

370
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:49,839
I feel like you're actually going
to have sex on this table,

371
00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:52,359
and that would truly
ruin my birthday.

372
00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:55,720
Catherine, please.
Nobody's having sex on the table.

373
00:21:56,279 --> 00:21:59,799
-We are sexual beings, of course.
-Oh my god.

374
00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:04,160
-We had sex. I mean great sex.
-Great sex.

375
00:22:04,759 --> 00:22:07,319
Okay, well I'm going
to have to text my therapist.

376
00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:10,720
-What's the whole not drinking thing?
-I'm a Quaker.

377
00:22:11,079 --> 00:22:13,599
Bullshit.
No one's a fucking Quaker.

378
00:22:14,079 --> 00:22:17,440
You probably think that staying
sober keeps you on top of your game.

379
00:22:17,839 --> 00:22:20,400
I work hard and I hard, bitch.
That's my credo.

380
00:22:20,759 --> 00:22:23,640
I got that shit tattooed
on my dick with room to spare.

381
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:27,640
Jonah, you're not even a man.
You're like an early draft of a man

382
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:30,880
where they just sketched out
a giant mangled skeleton,

383
00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:35,000
but they didn't have time to add
details, like pigment or self-respect.

384
00:22:35,079 --> 00:22:39,359
You're Frankenstein's monster if he
was made entirely of dead dicks.

385
00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:45,240
I'm going to the bathroom. Try not to
embarrass yourselves while I'm gone.

386
00:22:45,319 --> 00:22:46,799
We'll give it a shot.

387
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:49,400
Nice to see you.

388
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,200
-I'm sorry. Can I interrupt a second?
-Uh, no.

389
00:22:52,519 --> 00:22:57,920
A lot of people are Tweeting
so you might want gesture aware.

390
00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:00,599
It's fine. Thank you. Go.

391
00:23:04,359 --> 00:23:05,839
-OK?
-Yeah.

392
00:23:08,039 --> 00:23:10,319
-I want to tell you something.
-What?

393
00:23:10,799 --> 00:23:15,039
The head of PR told me
that our company

394
00:23:15,119 --> 00:23:18,440
funded super PACs on both sides
during the last election.

395
00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:23,240
I just was fluffed
and then I got fucked.

396
00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:27,160
I cannot believe
what you are telling me.

397
00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:31,880
Do you know ho... Smile.
Smile, you stupid asshole.

398
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:34,599
Make it bigger.
There you go.

399
00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:38,720
Do you have any idea how the press
is all over me right now

400
00:23:38,799 --> 00:23:43,680
and how they are gonna run with this
story about me funding my opponent?

401
00:23:44,039 --> 00:23:48,400
You're a stupid fucking
prick, right? You say it.

402
00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:52,079
-I'm not gonna say that.
-Okay, what happened now?

403
00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:55,759
You guys look like you're going
to stab each other with steak knives.

404
00:23:55,839 --> 00:23:59,000
We're having a fight and we are
smiling and putting a face on,

405
00:23:59,319 --> 00:24:01,519
and you can do that.
There you go.

406
00:24:01,599 --> 00:24:05,119
This is just business. We want
to end up with the winner at the end.

407
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:08,880
There's nothing personal about it.
I didn't even know about it.

408
00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:13,000
That's utter bullshit.
But I'm keeping it together.

409
00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:16,640
-I really am. It's all good.
-We can keep smiling.

410
00:24:17,319 --> 00:24:21,559
I think that if you guys continue
to smile, you'd get permanent lockjaw.

411
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:24,880
She's so funny.
Sarcastic.

412
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:28,119
I'm sorry to interrupt.
I just had a call from Kent.

413
00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:31,359
To congratulate me,
'cause I made the deal last night.

414
00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:33,400
-America thanks you.
-You're welcome.

415
00:24:33,759 --> 00:24:37,200
-POTUS is gonna stall on that deal.
-No. Why would he want to do that?

416
00:24:37,279 --> 00:24:39,759
It sounds to me like he wants
a government shut-down

417
00:24:39,839 --> 00:24:43,160
so he can blame it on congress and
take the heat out of the spy story.

418
00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:46,400
Did you hear that?
Fuck POTUS! And fuck Kent!

419
00:24:46,799 --> 00:24:48,759
They're just a bunch of fuckers.

420
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:51,559
Did they just get that?
Me being angry?

421
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,200
But I wasn't being angry with you.

422
00:24:54,279 --> 00:24:58,000
I was angry with you before,
but I'm not angry with you now.

423
00:24:58,519 --> 00:25:01,319
-I understand that, honey.
-Don't call me honey!

424
00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:03,079
Calm down. You look crazed.

425
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:06,480
-Can we confiscate that phone?
-I wish. I think it's too late.

426
00:25:06,559 --> 00:25:10,240
There's a picture on Twitter and
it looks like you guys are fighting.

427
00:25:10,319 --> 00:25:11,640
What? From that?

428
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:14,759
Look at this. Look!
This is not what it is.

429
00:25:15,079 --> 00:25:18,720
I'm pointing to you
because I'm mad about POTUS.

430
00:25:19,119 --> 00:25:22,599
-You're just making it worse.
-They're making it worse.

431
00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:24,640
Would you just cut that out?

432
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:29,119
-Everybody sing!
-No, no, no. We have to go.

433
00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:32,799
-Blow out your candles, honey.
-What's the point?

434
00:25:33,119 --> 00:25:34,559
Okay, I'll do it.

435
00:25:35,319 --> 00:25:38,640
You can make your wish in the car.
Get all my stuff.

436
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:42,359
That is so... No, that's fine.
Okay, happy birthday!

437
00:25:54,799 --> 00:25:57,480
This is good here.
I'll get out.

438
00:26:00,119 --> 00:26:03,400
What? You're getting out here?
What are you talking about?

439
00:26:04,519 --> 00:26:07,279
Andrew! Wait!
We need to talk.

440
00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:11,000
-Bye, honey. Happy birthday!
-What?

441
00:26:11,359 --> 00:26:14,680
God damn it! What are you doing,
running away like that?

442
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:18,200
-Come here!
-Oh, my God!

443
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:21,000
What are you doing?

444
00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:23,759
Oh, my God!

445
00:26:37,599 --> 00:26:41,759
Catherine!
Pretty nice cake you got there.

446
00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:49,279
-You gonna eat of all it?
-Do you want a piece?

447
00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:52,599
-You want a piece of the cake?
-Yes.

448
00:26:55,599 --> 00:26:57,440
Carrot cake's good.

449
00:27:00,839 --> 00:27:03,400
-You want to try it?
-No, it's all yours.

450
00:27:04,920 --> 00:27:07,039
I could use my phone to cut it.

451
00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:09,960
END OF EPISODE 6
SEASON 2