1 00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:13,359 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:18,679 --> 00:00:21,359 I have some very big news, ma'am. 3 00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:23,519 POTUS won't run again in two years. 4 00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:26,320 I'm gonna run. I'm gonna run for president! 5 00:00:26,399 --> 00:00:28,199 Together, we'll make history. 6 00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:30,199 - At your service. - We'll see. 7 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,159 - Can we make it public? - No, no. 8 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:34,719 - Wait for POTUS to make a statement. - Okay. 9 00:00:34,799 --> 00:00:36,079 West Wing. 10 00:00:39,359 --> 00:00:41,520 Selina: Well, you are so kind to say so. 11 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:43,479 I appreciate it. Yeah. 12 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:46,640 Thanks for coming today. Nice to see you. Thank you. 13 00:00:46,719 --> 00:00:48,200 Come forward. Yeah. 14 00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:50,280 - Is this a caucus-goer? - Could be. 15 00:00:50,359 --> 00:00:53,079 Is that a "Star Wars" reference, "A New Beginning"? 16 00:00:53,159 --> 00:00:57,359 This is actually "Some New Beginnings: Our Next American Journey." 17 00:00:57,439 --> 00:01:00,840 - Too late to change it? - It is. Yeah. 18 00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:02,799 - Hello. - This one's caucus. 19 00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:04,760 Too loud. Can't say it that loud. 20 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:06,280 I think you'll dig it. 21 00:01:06,359 --> 00:01:09,280 Raise the minimum wage. Blind people are people too. 22 00:01:09,359 --> 00:01:12,920 A very enjoyable read... It's complex... I'm exhausted! 23 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:14,599 The journey is endless. 24 00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:16,760 Global issue... 25 00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:20,280 I call it "Some New Beginnings" because it's plural. 26 00:01:20,359 --> 00:01:22,959 God bless you... et cetera. 27 00:01:24,319 --> 00:01:27,400 Amy: It's really nice, Gary. Looks lovely. Looks great. 28 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:30,120 I can't believe Selina chose not to be here. 29 00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:33,560 I told Sue to put wedding in her calendar in bold cap letters. 30 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:35,280 We took type size to a limit. 31 00:01:35,359 --> 00:01:38,519 If she could have been here, which she could, she would. 32 00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:42,359 But she's in Iowa for the book tour, fluffing caucusgoers for the run. 33 00:01:42,439 --> 00:01:47,158 I'd hate to try to source gazpacho in a city where soup is for fags. 34 00:01:47,239 --> 00:01:48,799 Nice day for a Mike wedding! 35 00:01:48,878 --> 00:01:51,359 ( cheering ) 36 00:01:51,439 --> 00:01:53,640 You should all marry Wendy. I'm amazing. 37 00:01:53,719 --> 00:01:56,400 You might see me cry and for once not about work. 38 00:01:56,479 --> 00:01:59,120 - I'm a little nervous. - I'm getting married. 39 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:01,040 You just have to hand me the vows. 40 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:03,599 - Not the Olympic torch. - I did the playlist. 41 00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:06,439 You want to mold the cake into a pair of testicles? 42 00:02:06,519 --> 00:02:08,878 - Easy. - See what everyone's gifting us? 43 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:11,800 "Some New Beginnings: Our Next American Journey." 44 00:02:11,879 --> 00:02:14,039 - Well written. - They think it's funny. 45 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:16,478 Selina's never been away so long without us. 46 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:19,120 It'll be like this when our kids go to college. 47 00:02:19,199 --> 00:02:21,079 Yeah, dream the fuck on, Dan. 48 00:02:21,159 --> 00:02:24,000 I'm nice for I know she'll make me campaign manager. 49 00:02:24,079 --> 00:02:27,000 No campaign till the president tells he's not running. 50 00:02:27,079 --> 00:02:29,240 When will that be? It's been two months. 51 00:02:29,319 --> 00:02:32,400 Unless POTUS is chiseling his statement, I don't get it. 52 00:02:32,478 --> 00:02:34,000 Dan, Dan, inside voices. 53 00:02:34,079 --> 00:02:37,719 Mike's marrying a reporter. They're everywhere. Yeah, everywhere. 54 00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:40,560 Dan, you have more nervous tics than a shoe bomber. 55 00:02:40,639 --> 00:02:43,520 Selina: Thank you. Yes, please come forward. 56 00:02:43,599 --> 00:02:45,680 Oh, wow! You've got an iPad. 57 00:02:45,759 --> 00:02:48,199 - Could you sign it? - Ah. Okay... 58 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:49,918 I'm not sure, maybe we find... 59 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:53,439 - Sign the back. - Oh, you want me to sign. 60 00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:57,319 That way, it's all your books are signed by the vice president. 61 00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:00,599 Hi. Oh, what is this? Is this butter? 62 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:03,039 In the shape of the great state of Iowa. 63 00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:07,599 - Oh. - If it melted, would it become Texas? 64 00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:10,240 This is an absolutely... 65 00:03:10,319 --> 00:03:12,319 stunning butter sculpture. 66 00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:14,879 - Thank you. - Let's tweet a picture of that. 67 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,960 - Lock that caucus-goer down. - Yeah. 68 00:03:17,039 --> 00:03:20,759 - Find a refrigerator to put it. - Butter doesn't need refrigeration. 69 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:23,439 It can be unrefrigerated or refrigerated. 70 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:27,000 - Not true. - I think it's like a fruit that way. 71 00:03:27,079 --> 00:03:29,520 Are you getting this? Rumor of a rumor. 72 00:03:29,599 --> 00:03:32,199 POTUS announces he won't run for re-election? 73 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:36,039 Whatever it is, I hear the West Wing is abuzz as a fly in a shithouse. 74 00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:39,280 - Hi. - Phone bowl. 75 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:41,199 - Put it in. - I'm not using it. 76 00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:43,840 I want it to get pictures of this magical day. 77 00:03:43,918 --> 00:03:46,478 Put your phone in or I put it in the punch bowl. 78 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:50,079 Isn't she funny? We crack up all the time. Even when we have sex. 79 00:03:50,159 --> 00:03:52,039 I've been a reporter for 18 years. 80 00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:55,719 If anything breaks, I promise I will put it into the vows. 81 00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:57,879 Amy, phone in the bowl. 82 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,639 - No, I can't. - Mike: It'll be 40 minutes, tops. 83 00:04:00,719 --> 00:04:05,000 Come on. What if you were marrying the man of your dreams? 84 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:06,719 Okay, I'll do it. I'm just... 85 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,520 Look at those little knuckles. 86 00:04:08,599 --> 00:04:11,199 - ( cheering ) - Freedom! 87 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:14,080 It's like losing a limb. A phantom phone's ringing. 88 00:04:14,159 --> 00:04:16,879 - You look gorgeous. - Thank you. 89 00:04:16,959 --> 00:04:20,000 - Is that lip shade "Coral Blush"? - Yes, it is. Wow. 90 00:04:20,079 --> 00:04:23,000 - Nicely applied. - I like him. 91 00:04:23,079 --> 00:04:25,040 I want to keep him. Can I have him? 92 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:26,519 Just for the honeymoon. 93 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:30,439 He takes baby wipes everywhere. You never know if we'll need 'em when... 94 00:04:30,519 --> 00:04:32,240 Okay. 95 00:04:32,319 --> 00:04:34,279 ( faint buzzing ) 96 00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:38,279 They say it has to do with Maddox. He's making an announcement. 97 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:40,000 Thank God you packed a spare. 98 00:04:40,079 --> 00:04:42,759 A campaign manager has to think one phone ahead. 99 00:04:42,839 --> 00:04:45,560 You're not a campaign manager yet. I'm disappointed 100 00:04:45,639 --> 00:04:48,519 that you have kept a secret spare phone, Dan. 101 00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:51,600 And I am disappointed that you have not. Amateur. 102 00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:53,079 Thank you. Thank you. 103 00:04:53,159 --> 00:04:55,639 Just one second, please. 104 00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:57,879 ( whispering ) So, these rumors, right? 105 00:04:57,959 --> 00:04:59,800 I get Maddox. What do you get? 106 00:04:59,879 --> 00:05:02,480 I'm not getting a huge amount, to be honest. 107 00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:04,680 - Richard, no offense. - None taken. 108 00:05:04,759 --> 00:05:06,439 - You're a catastrophe. - Okay. 109 00:05:06,519 --> 00:05:10,600 You need to call Mike, to get to the bottom of this. Immediately. Right now. 110 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:15,040 ( ringtone playing ) 111 00:05:16,279 --> 00:05:17,720 It's the vice president. 112 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:19,519 - Hey, ma'am. - Hang on, Mike. 113 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:21,680 No disrespect meant. It's the title. 114 00:05:21,759 --> 00:05:24,120 - It is a little confusing. - No, it isn't. 115 00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:26,360 - It's Mike. - Can you deal with this... 116 00:05:26,439 --> 00:05:28,319 - wonderfully honest woman? - Sure. 117 00:05:28,399 --> 00:05:29,800 - Mike? - Hello, ma'am? 118 00:05:29,879 --> 00:05:33,159 Have you had a chance to talk to any of the press guys? 119 00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:35,920 Yes, it is a wonderful day today. 120 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:39,079 Look, you maybe want to say hello to Wendy real quick? 121 00:05:39,159 --> 00:05:42,159 Oh, yeah, I'd love to speak to Wendy very briefly. 122 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:44,720 It's the Vice President of the United States. 123 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:47,920 - Wendy: Hello? - Hi, Wendy. Congratulations. 124 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:50,279 Thank you so much, Madam Vice President. 125 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:52,600 - You met her, call her "ma'am." - Ma'am. 126 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:54,240 A happy day for both of you. 127 00:05:54,319 --> 00:05:57,480 It happened so fast. Mike just makes me laugh. 128 00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:01,279 The first time we met, I was carrying this cheese Danish and... 129 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:06,079 Then you got married. And I love that story. Sorry I couldn't be there. 130 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:08,959 No problem. You're in Iowa, you have to suckle Iowa. 131 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:10,959 - I know. - She's at a book signing. 132 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:14,439 - How is your book signing going? - Spectacularly well. 133 00:06:14,519 --> 00:06:18,079 We've got a great team working here. 134 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:19,839 Listen, is Mike still there? 135 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:23,920 - Um... Mike is not. - Okay. Bye-bye. Thanks. 136 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:25,920 - Fuck. - Hey, ma'am? It's Gar... 137 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:28,759 - Oh, got to go. - Going back in the bowl. 138 00:06:28,839 --> 00:06:30,600 Strong rumors today there may be 139 00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:33,439 a major announcement from the Defense Department... 140 00:06:33,519 --> 00:06:35,159 Maddox slipped his leash. 141 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:36,959 Maddox has refused to comment... 142 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:39,480 Somebody get me intel from the Pentagon. 143 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:42,759 I feel like I'm Joe Public, I know nothing. I don't like it. 144 00:06:42,839 --> 00:06:45,720 - Would you have dinner with us? - No. 145 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:48,199 - What's your favorite word? - Next! 146 00:06:48,279 --> 00:06:52,159 ( chuckles ) Do you think I offended her? 147 00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:54,800 - Can you write "To Alice..." - Mm-hmm. 148 00:06:54,879 --> 00:06:58,120 "...this is to get you back"? 149 00:06:58,199 --> 00:06:59,959 I think I need to decompress 150 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:01,639 - A few seconds. - Absolutely. 151 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:05,519 Understood, I'm brain-dead just watching you. 152 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:07,160 I'm going back to the hotel. 153 00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:09,319 Sure. What shall I tell these people? 154 00:07:09,399 --> 00:07:11,680 Gary just usually makes up an excuse. 155 00:07:11,759 --> 00:07:13,879 The vice president has to step out 156 00:07:13,959 --> 00:07:17,319 to take a phone call with a senator. He's having a big problem. 157 00:07:17,399 --> 00:07:20,920 Um, pfft! It's... 158 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:24,759 I will be back very soon. Thank you so much. Okay? 159 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:30,839 Whew. 160 00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:32,480 Oh, God. 161 00:07:35,399 --> 00:07:38,159 "Love is patient, love is kind. 162 00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:40,399 It is not jealous, is not pompous..." 163 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:42,120 ( faint buzzing ) 164 00:07:42,199 --> 00:07:44,680 "It is not inflated, it is not rude..." 165 00:07:44,759 --> 00:07:47,519 ( faint buzzing ) 166 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:51,399 "It does not seek its own interests..." ( buzzing ) 167 00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:53,199 "It does not brood over injury, 168 00:07:53,279 --> 00:07:55,680 it does not rejoice over wrongdoing. 169 00:07:55,759 --> 00:07:58,279 Love bears all things, believes all things..." 170 00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:02,600 ( stammers ) sends... love... ends... "Love never ends." 171 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:12,399 Oh, my God. 172 00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:16,399 I will love you more today than yesterday, 173 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:19,600 but you are always all of my tomorrows. 174 00:08:21,439 --> 00:08:22,839 Oh! 175 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:24,680 I am but a satellite 176 00:08:24,759 --> 00:08:28,000 caught in the gravity of your planet, Wendy. 177 00:08:38,759 --> 00:08:40,639 I was headed for the fall 178 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:43,600 when you, Michael, gave me back my spring. 179 00:08:51,519 --> 00:08:55,399 My official statement to the press reads thus: 180 00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:58,639 "We are in love, come celebrate." 181 00:09:02,039 --> 00:09:04,519 - ( knocking ) - Ben: Stand aside, asshole. 182 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:06,759 - Ben? - You catch more flies with honey 183 00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:08,759 than with bad language. 184 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:10,840 The Chief of Staff of the President. 185 00:09:10,919 --> 00:09:13,440 Get out of the way, or I'll fucking inhale you. 186 00:09:13,519 --> 00:09:16,919 Good to see your friendly-ish face-ish! 187 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:19,600 - Who? - Oh, it's nothing. 188 00:09:19,679 --> 00:09:22,799 Get me some Advil, 'cause I got some people in here. 189 00:09:22,879 --> 00:09:24,519 - Okay? - Consider it done. 190 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:27,720 Do you have a preference on water? You dress is open. 191 00:09:27,799 --> 00:09:30,320 - Oh! - Wow. The Elk Suite! 192 00:09:30,399 --> 00:09:31,840 Yeah. 193 00:09:31,919 --> 00:09:34,360 What are you doing here? 194 00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:37,000 I'm on my way to Congressman Cowgill's funeral. 195 00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:39,679 Oh, right. Poor Rick Cowgill. 196 00:09:39,759 --> 00:09:43,720 God, he was a four-foot 11-inch stick of dynamite. 197 00:09:43,799 --> 00:09:46,480 A great man inside a small man. 198 00:09:46,559 --> 00:09:48,799 Stick one of those in Ricky's hand, 199 00:09:48,879 --> 00:09:51,960 she would have looked like an average-sized man. 200 00:09:52,039 --> 00:09:54,919 - So where's the team? - They're at Mike's wedding. 201 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:57,759 - I kinda miss 'em. - ( phone buzzing ) 202 00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:00,600 Oh, it's just Gary. Press "ignore." 203 00:10:00,679 --> 00:10:04,200 - I now pronounce you man and wife. - ( groans ) 204 00:10:04,279 --> 00:10:07,759 ( applause ) 205 00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:10,360 All right, all you single ladies... 206 00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:12,320 Wendy: I don't wanna do it. 207 00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:14,919 Jonah Whoo, coming through. 208 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,440 I got a jet that could cut a fucking diamond. 209 00:10:17,519 --> 00:10:19,960 What are you doing here? You weren't invited. 210 00:10:20,039 --> 00:10:22,960 - Unless you're the "worst man." - I live near Pam. 211 00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:25,840 - Her car died, I gave her a lift. - "Pentagon Pam"? 212 00:10:25,919 --> 00:10:30,320 - She give you any hint on Maddox? - No. Except for flirty glances. 213 00:10:30,399 --> 00:10:31,840 What's that stubby thing? 214 00:10:31,919 --> 00:10:34,720 "WestWingMan.net"? Never heard of this. 215 00:10:34,799 --> 00:10:38,440 You're embarrassing yourself. That's the hottest gossip site in DC. 216 00:10:38,519 --> 00:10:41,879 Yeah? "Lifting the lid on the Interagency Softball League"? 217 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:44,000 "Face To Face with America's Tycoons." 218 00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:46,879 This is some seriously butter knife-dull shit, man. 219 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:48,799 No, underneath, that's grit legit. 220 00:10:48,879 --> 00:10:51,840 - What's it got on Maddox? - Nothing yet. But he will. 221 00:10:51,919 --> 00:10:56,519 If it ain't on "WestWingMan," it ain't nothing, man. 222 00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:59,399 It's you, isn't it? 223 00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:02,399 - Who told you that? - You just did, you dummy. 224 00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:05,759 Fuck! God! Keep that under your hat. 225 00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:07,919 - Yeah. - It's just between you and me. 226 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,600 Now if you will excuse me, I am at a wedding, 227 00:11:10,679 --> 00:11:13,000 and women at a wedding are like ripe fruit. 228 00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:15,039 And I am a sex wasp. 229 00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:16,639 Wash those paws, big guy? 230 00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:18,960 Kidding? My pheromones make bitches moan. 231 00:11:19,039 --> 00:11:21,440 I'll leave a trail right back to my apartment. 232 00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:25,840 Look at us. You pretending to be me 233 00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:27,960 signing a book I didn't even write. 234 00:11:28,039 --> 00:11:30,799 - That's politics in a nutsack. - Yeah. 235 00:11:30,879 --> 00:11:33,759 "New Beginnings: Our Next American Journey." 236 00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:38,480 - What do you think of the title? - So full of shit, there's a colon. 237 00:11:38,559 --> 00:11:41,279 They kept coming up with all of these awful titles. 238 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:47,039 You wouldn't even have believed it, "Footsteps to the Future" was one. 239 00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:50,279 "Red, White and You" was actually another one. Yes. 240 00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:52,720 "Hands of Our Children." Like a massacre. 241 00:11:52,799 --> 00:11:54,200 - Fuckin' sick. - I know. 242 00:11:54,279 --> 00:11:56,799 I was so busy listening to these stupid fucks, 243 00:11:56,879 --> 00:11:59,960 I didn't listen to this voice in my own head saying, 244 00:12:00,039 --> 00:12:02,840 "This is dog shit. This is complete dog shit. 245 00:12:02,919 --> 00:12:05,519 Don't step in it! Ah, you just stepped in it." 246 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,360 Now it's printed, so that's good. 247 00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:09,840 Don't listen to those DC assholes, then. 248 00:12:09,919 --> 00:12:12,600 You're among the real people, the people you love. 249 00:12:12,679 --> 00:12:14,720 - This is your thing. - You're right. 250 00:12:14,799 --> 00:12:16,600 Do you want to be the President? 251 00:12:16,679 --> 00:12:19,879 I want do. It's just that I'm staring down the barrel 252 00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:22,279 of 18 months of this shit, you know? 253 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:24,840 - 18 months, it's nothing. - It's not nothing. 254 00:12:24,919 --> 00:12:29,000 18 months is an entire pregnancy with another entire pregnancy attached. 255 00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:31,200 Well, I'm a pretty good strategy guy. 256 00:12:31,279 --> 00:12:36,320 I could be your midwife. You know, get my hands dirty? 257 00:12:36,399 --> 00:12:39,000 Um... could you go sit in that chair over there? 258 00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:40,720 Oh, yeah. 259 00:12:40,799 --> 00:12:43,320 All right, listen. Midwife me this, then. 260 00:12:43,399 --> 00:12:46,440 Campaign manager, Dan or Amy? 261 00:12:46,519 --> 00:12:48,759 Look, forget about Amy, forget about Dan. 262 00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:51,600 Two words: Bill Ericsson. 263 00:12:51,679 --> 00:12:54,320 - No way. He's not available. - He is, all right? 264 00:12:54,399 --> 00:12:57,440 And he'll be at Cowgill's funeral. Let's go talk to him. 265 00:12:57,519 --> 00:13:01,159 My God, he's got the Midas playbook. He got Briggs elected. 266 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:03,080 - Twice. - That's what I'm saying. 267 00:13:03,159 --> 00:13:06,279 It should be easier for you. You have a personality. 268 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:08,879 - And you never grope waitresses. - Right. 269 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:13,080 Let's go meet and grieve. We'll meet Ericsson, and grieve little Ricky. 270 00:13:13,159 --> 00:13:15,559 - Yeah, God rest his tiny soul. - I know. 271 00:13:15,639 --> 00:13:18,639 sI heard the dog picked him up and shook him really bad. 272 00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:20,200 ( laughs ) 273 00:13:20,279 --> 00:13:22,480 Ladies and gentlemen, sadly, 274 00:13:22,559 --> 00:13:25,799 the vice president will not be back to finish the signing. 275 00:13:25,879 --> 00:13:29,039 The senator who I mentioned earlier 276 00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:32,519 his problems have become even bigger. 277 00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:34,759 Come on, let's go. EEOB peeps. 278 00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:37,240 This is my last wedding. Come on. 279 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:39,080 Eisenhower people only. Go. 280 00:13:39,159 --> 00:13:42,159 What's Wendy doing in the photo? She doesn't work there. 281 00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,279 Why, you don't show up in photographs. 282 00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:45,879 The sooner we do this... 283 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:49,120 The sooner we do this, the sooner we get it done. Okay? 284 00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:52,759 - 5D? I've got a 1D. - ( phone buzzing ) 285 00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:54,600 You keep a second phone there? 286 00:13:54,679 --> 00:13:57,200 Hypocritical. And horny. 287 00:13:57,279 --> 00:13:59,440 - One, two... - Shit on my tits. 288 00:13:59,519 --> 00:14:02,200 - Maddox just resigned. - The Sec Def's gone? 289 00:14:02,279 --> 00:14:04,519 You can have your phones for five minutes. 290 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:06,759 The Wi-Fi password is "Starboard135A." 291 00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:08,759 - Where's the bowl? - I don't know. 292 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:11,480 - I need my primary phone. - Shut up, everybody! 293 00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:14,519 - ( faint ringtones buzzing ) - It's right here. 294 00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:16,480 Is Maddox running for president? 295 00:14:16,559 --> 00:14:18,559 ( chuckles ) I already have mine. 296 00:14:18,639 --> 00:14:22,399 "'Team Veep' goes into meltdown as Sec Def Maddox news breaks." 297 00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:24,320 And upload the money shot. 298 00:14:24,399 --> 00:14:26,360 He learned English from pornography. 299 00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:28,960 - Did you just post that? - I run a gossip site 300 00:14:29,039 --> 00:14:31,879 and this is very gossip-taining. 301 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:33,200 ( groans ) 302 00:14:37,159 --> 00:14:38,799 I won't take any questions. 303 00:14:38,879 --> 00:14:41,679 Secretary Maddox will make a statement later today. 304 00:14:41,759 --> 00:14:44,320 It's not a crisis. Stop flapping your limbs. 305 00:14:44,399 --> 00:14:49,039 The line on Maddox is another old man went off to play chess in the park. 306 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:51,559 And somebody find out who "WestWingMan" is. 307 00:14:51,639 --> 00:14:54,759 FYI, it may not be his real name. 308 00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:58,320 Seems Maddox is making a move. We'll need Ericsson now, right? 309 00:14:58,399 --> 00:15:00,799 Now more than ever. Seriously. 310 00:15:00,879 --> 00:15:04,360 Dan, we have to do something if Maddox is actually gonna run. 311 00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:06,879 I was voted "Most Likely To Do Something Now" 312 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:09,120 - in my class yearbook. - Get on it. 313 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:13,320 - Running for what, ma'am? - You blurt out anything to anyone 314 00:15:13,399 --> 00:15:16,080 about Maddox running or POTUS deciding not to run, 315 00:15:16,159 --> 00:15:18,000 the closest to a political career 316 00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:21,320 will be selling Nixon masks at a Halloween shop, okay? 317 00:15:21,399 --> 00:15:24,240 - POTUS isn't seeking re-election? - You blurted. 318 00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:27,000 - You blurted first. - You blurted about running. 319 00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:28,840 - You're running? - ( squeaks ) 320 00:15:28,919 --> 00:15:32,159 Ben, can you not keep a cat in a bag for one fuckin' second? 321 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:33,679 Now we'll have to kill him. 322 00:15:33,759 --> 00:15:37,639 If you need help with your campaign, I'm good in stressful situations. 323 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:41,440 - Really? In what sense good? - I was all over the book line thing. 324 00:15:41,519 --> 00:15:44,320 Yes. Get the driver to turn the air conditioning on. 325 00:15:44,399 --> 00:15:48,159 - 'Cause I'm boiling up here. - I can do that! 326 00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:50,600 - How do I do that? - Open the door, 327 00:15:50,679 --> 00:15:55,000 climb like Indiana Jones, pop on the hood, write a note on the windshield. 328 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:58,200 All right! Time to cut the cake, everybody! 329 00:15:58,279 --> 00:16:01,759 Watch out! My wife has a knife! 330 00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:04,960 The optimal size for each slice is about a half inch. 331 00:16:05,039 --> 00:16:07,879 - I got about a half inch for you. - You exaggerate. 332 00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:10,519 - Here we go. - ( guests cheering ) 333 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:13,879 - Texting behind your back? Jesus. - Staying ahead. 334 00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,919 What a good campaign manager does. 335 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:19,080 No, a good campaign manager, Amy... 336 00:16:19,159 --> 00:16:21,480 Excuse me, I'm about to be brilliant. 337 00:16:21,559 --> 00:16:23,919 Gary: Ah! 338 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:27,399 You're like two pretty Easter eggs. I'd love to crack you open. 339 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:28,919 Hey, Hepatitis J. 340 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:32,720 - How's that pic you posted? - Is a hashtag hurricane, bitch tits. 341 00:16:32,799 --> 00:16:34,240 Should you take that down? 342 00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:36,639 You don't think you should go fist a chimp? 343 00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:41,039 Showing us panicking makes seem like Maddox's resignation is significant. 344 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:44,360 - Mm-hmm. - He'd be a big rival for Selina... 345 00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:46,480 Ooh. 346 00:16:46,559 --> 00:16:48,480 ...who wants to run for president? 347 00:16:48,559 --> 00:16:50,039 Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm. 348 00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:53,799 Because the President of the United States is not going to run again. 349 00:16:53,879 --> 00:16:57,320 - So? - The president has not yet announced 350 00:16:57,399 --> 00:16:58,679 that he won't run again. 351 00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,600 No problem, I'll take it down. 352 00:17:02,679 --> 00:17:05,118 Make sure you do it before Google caches it. 353 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:07,480 Once it happens, it's there forever, 354 00:17:07,559 --> 00:17:09,358 which will also be your fault. 355 00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:12,240 - What's Google's number? - Don't know. Ask Jeeves. 356 00:17:12,319 --> 00:17:16,960 Do you know anybody at the NSA? Does anybody know anybody at the NSA? 357 00:17:17,039 --> 00:17:20,480 Oh, I see you here on this sad day. 358 00:17:20,559 --> 00:17:23,279 That's Denisov from Change.org. She hates him. 359 00:17:23,358 --> 00:17:25,079 - This way. You hate him. - Yes. 360 00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:27,799 The first one you got right today. He's a douche. 361 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,559 We've gotta find Ericsson. 362 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:31,680 I'll know him. I never forget a JPEG. 363 00:17:31,759 --> 00:17:33,880 - Blake alert. - Madam Vice President. 364 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:36,119 Blake Stewart. Oh, my goodness. 365 00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:38,759 Blake won the nomination a decade ago 366 00:17:38,839 --> 00:17:40,759 and lost disastrously. 367 00:17:40,839 --> 00:17:42,759 He'll throw Selina off her game. 368 00:17:42,839 --> 00:17:44,279 - Why? - Why? 369 00:17:44,359 --> 00:17:46,640 He's the bubonic plague of this party. 370 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:48,559 - You're doing a book tour. - Yes. 371 00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:53,319 - Are you thinking of running? - Oh, no. I'm just hawking books. 372 00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:56,400 You'll deny that for six years, then you'll run anyway. 373 00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,400 How was the campaign, for you? 374 00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:01,160 Exciting, then exhausting. 375 00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:02,680 Then I died. 376 00:18:02,759 --> 00:18:05,920 ( chuckles ) Joking. Kinda. 377 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:08,759 Well, you're out of it now, so that's good. 378 00:18:08,839 --> 00:18:10,839 I thought I failed because of my team 379 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:14,200 I didn't have the right chief of staff, campaign manager, 380 00:18:14,279 --> 00:18:16,000 my then wife, but, no. 381 00:18:16,079 --> 00:18:19,000 It was me. I just didn't have it. 382 00:18:19,079 --> 00:18:21,359 - Well, very few of us do. - Right. 383 00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:23,920 - Like Cowgill. - Poor Cowgill. 384 00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:27,279 I kinda wish it was me in that box. 385 00:18:27,359 --> 00:18:30,880 - It's good speaking with you, Mike. - Really? Oh, thanks. 386 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:34,960 - I don't hear that a lot. - Oh... 387 00:18:35,039 --> 00:18:36,920 - Oh, ma'am? - Yes? 388 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:40,440 The prime minister of Scotland is on the line right now. 389 00:18:40,519 --> 00:18:42,920 - It sounds important. - Oh, great. 390 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:46,720 Important, yes. Would you excuse me for a second? Hello? 391 00:18:46,799 --> 00:18:50,599 Well, you know what? We could consummate this marriage right here. 392 00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:52,480 No one would notice or care. 393 00:18:52,559 --> 00:18:53,960 - We could. - Mm-hmm. 394 00:18:54,039 --> 00:18:55,640 - Or...? - Or? 395 00:18:55,720 --> 00:19:00,640 - We could check our phones. - Wendy: Gary? 396 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:02,839 - Madam Vice President? - Yes? 397 00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:06,160 - I was Rick's nephew. - Are you kidding me? 398 00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:07,839 This is Cowgill's nephew. 399 00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:10,240 If they tell her who they are, say nothing. 400 00:19:10,319 --> 00:19:14,079 Mr. Stewart, this is the poem we'd like you to read. 401 00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:18,160 Thank you. I've prepared some closing words, too. 402 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,880 I was gonna actually ask the vice president 403 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,279 if she would like to say something. 404 00:19:23,359 --> 00:19:26,440 No, it's fine. I'm a terrible speaker anyway. 405 00:19:26,519 --> 00:19:28,920 - You're not. - That's how I lost 49 states. 406 00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:31,480 No. Well... 407 00:19:31,559 --> 00:19:33,680 - Yeah. It is. - Okay. 408 00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:38,319 What's going on, man? What's crackin'? 409 00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:41,720 - We got POTUS incoming? - May I see your White House pass? 410 00:19:41,799 --> 00:19:44,240 Uh, yes, sir. Absolutely. 411 00:19:44,319 --> 00:19:46,720 There you are. 412 00:19:46,799 --> 00:19:48,200 Leave. 413 00:19:48,279 --> 00:19:50,119 - But I work here. - Not anymore. 414 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,359 I think I temporarily lost your meaning. 415 00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:54,359 Dan, did you run to the White House? 416 00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:57,599 It's a little spotty at the center of the universe. 417 00:19:57,680 --> 00:19:59,720 The party is over, "Mr. WestWingMan." 418 00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:02,279 There is a dead guy in the pool, and is you. 419 00:20:02,359 --> 00:20:05,039 I'll call you back. Something wonderful happened. 420 00:20:05,119 --> 00:20:07,039 There's a misunderstanding, hold on. 421 00:20:07,119 --> 00:20:09,559 You were running a news blog while in office. 422 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:12,119 - It was gossip-tainment. - You posted a photo 423 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:16,079 which roused the suspicions. It was forwarded to every hack in DC. 424 00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:19,640 - That wasn't me. And I deleted it. - Which made it even worse! 425 00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:22,079 The fact is your post has made it impossible 426 00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:23,920 to sit on the secret any longer, 427 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:28,400 so as a direct result of your actions, the President of the United States 428 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:31,359 is bringing forward the announcement to today 429 00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:34,240 that he is not running for re-election. 430 00:20:34,319 --> 00:20:36,559 Alert, it will be a live announcement. 431 00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:41,160 Don't interrupt any major event unless it's golf. Get him out via his desk. 432 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:45,160 - Lord knows what you'll find. - You might be overreacting to this. 433 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:46,640 What will I do, hit him? 434 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:48,599 Sir, don't take this away from me. 435 00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:51,359 The West Wing is part of my DNA and vice versa. 436 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:53,359 This is a teachable moment, and I... 437 00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:56,720 - You're embarrassing yourself. - I don't have anything else. 438 00:20:56,799 --> 00:20:59,599 - He really doesn't. - See? Exactly. Thank you, Dan. 439 00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:01,680 - Fuck you, Dan! - That'll be all. 440 00:21:01,759 --> 00:21:04,240 - Did POTUS okay this? - Get him out of here! 441 00:21:05,799 --> 00:21:07,279 How did you survive Blake? 442 00:21:07,359 --> 00:21:09,359 - Say you're okay. - Are you kidding? 443 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:12,200 That bag of wrist slits got the nomination? 444 00:21:12,279 --> 00:21:14,480 With that face and that personality? 445 00:21:14,559 --> 00:21:16,599 Look at what I got. Where's Ericsson? 446 00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:19,480 He bolted back to DC when the Maddox news came out. 447 00:21:19,559 --> 00:21:21,000 All right. Fuck it. 448 00:21:21,079 --> 00:21:23,480 I don't need a team, a campaign manager. 449 00:21:23,559 --> 00:21:25,960 You think I got here 'cause I got $50 million 450 00:21:26,039 --> 00:21:28,920 - and this amazing ass? - No. 451 00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:30,839 Cowgill was your congressman, 452 00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:33,200 so give me some facts about him. Go. Now. 453 00:21:33,279 --> 00:21:36,400 He was an amazing fisherman. And he collected beer labels. 454 00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:38,680 What are you gonna do with that? 455 00:21:38,759 --> 00:21:42,839 I'm going to read a poem by Rick's granddaughter, Maeve. 456 00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:46,200 It's... 457 00:21:46,279 --> 00:21:49,519 Well, you'll see. 458 00:21:49,599 --> 00:21:52,440 "We love you, and we'll miss your face, 459 00:21:52,519 --> 00:21:56,000 husband, father, granddad. 460 00:21:56,079 --> 00:21:59,680 You made the world a better place. 461 00:21:59,759 --> 00:22:02,680 And now you left it sad." 462 00:22:02,759 --> 00:22:07,680 ( organ plays ) 463 00:22:13,799 --> 00:22:17,440 ( muttering faintly ) 464 00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:25,839 ( organ stops ) 465 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:27,680 Good afternoon. 466 00:22:27,759 --> 00:22:30,759 Well, I was planning on keeping this brief. 467 00:22:30,839 --> 00:22:32,640 In fact, I was gonna say short, 468 00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:36,440 but I know how sensitive Rick was about his height. 469 00:22:36,519 --> 00:22:38,519 ( scattered laughter ) 470 00:22:38,599 --> 00:22:40,720 You think you saw the end of Ryan? 471 00:22:40,799 --> 00:22:43,880 You haven't even seen the start of Jonah Ryan! 472 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:45,519 I'm leaving with my head high 473 00:22:45,599 --> 00:22:48,920 and my nuts hanging low on your mom's chin, Martin. 474 00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:52,039 You got your porn stash there! 475 00:22:52,119 --> 00:22:54,319 Any last words? 476 00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:55,920 Fuck you... 477 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,079 ( laughter ) 478 00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:03,119 Rick's life reflects America. He was an avid fisherman. 479 00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:06,920 And as a congressman, gosh, did he know 480 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:11,359 how to cast upstream to anticipate it. 481 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:16,559 And when he got that first bite, whoa, did he reel it in. 482 00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:19,240 He was a nuanced politician 483 00:23:19,319 --> 00:23:23,640 with a mighty big collection of beer labels. ( laughter ) 484 00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:25,319 I'll be back. 485 00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:28,039 I'm gonna be back as the fucking president. 486 00:23:28,119 --> 00:23:31,039 Jonah Ryan, 2026! 487 00:23:31,119 --> 00:23:34,480 - That's a midterms year, Jonah. - Well, I'll change it! 488 00:23:34,559 --> 00:23:37,119 I'm gonna miss you, Rick Cowgill, 489 00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:39,079 fisherman, 490 00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:42,279 congressman, American. 491 00:23:42,359 --> 00:23:44,640 ( applause ) 492 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:51,279 I blew the roof off of this church, no? 493 00:23:51,359 --> 00:23:54,880 - They loved the labels anecdote. - Why would anyone collect them? 494 00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:56,519 Yeah? 495 00:23:56,599 --> 00:23:58,279 Maddox canceled his statement, 496 00:23:58,359 --> 00:24:01,920 because POTUS is going to make one, the big one. 497 00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:05,799 - Are you saying what I think? - I'm not dubious, not even sexually. 498 00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:09,640 - Ben! I love politics. - Me too, ma'am. 499 00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:11,319 Richard: Ma'am? I've got Dan. 500 00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:13,279 Oh, Dan. Hey, Dan. 501 00:24:13,359 --> 00:24:15,160 Ma'am, yes, the Maddox statement. 502 00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:18,240 I know, POTUS is about to make a statement. Ben told me. 503 00:24:18,319 --> 00:24:21,440 Did he tell you that it was because many people saw a post 504 00:24:21,519 --> 00:24:24,839 - that Jonah made that I forwarded? - What? You did this? 505 00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:27,839 Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but... 506 00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:30,160 ( mimics trumpet ) ...yes, yes, I did. 507 00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:32,319 Just like that, Jonah is gone, forever. 508 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:35,200 Well, all my orgasms have come at once. 509 00:24:35,279 --> 00:24:37,559 - That's fantastic. - Selina: Yeah, yeah. 510 00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:40,200 Now, listen, ma'am, I wanted to ask you... 511 00:24:40,279 --> 00:24:42,119 - Yes? - Would you do me the honor 512 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:44,359 of making me your campaign manager? 513 00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:47,039 Oh, I've got to go. Thank you, Dan. 514 00:24:47,119 --> 00:24:48,519 ( stammers ) Oop, agh...! 515 00:24:48,599 --> 00:24:51,119 All right, Richard, 516 00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:53,000 listen. I want to tell you... 517 00:24:53,079 --> 00:24:55,640 No, thank you, ma'am. 518 00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:58,839 - Until tomorrow. - What? Tomorrow? 519 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,839 Book tour, day six. Cedar Rapids, here we come. 520 00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:04,200 Oh, Jesus Christ. I hate politics. 521 00:25:04,279 --> 00:25:06,319 ( music playing ) 522 00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:17,200 Wendy, Wendy, Wendy. Come here. 523 00:25:17,279 --> 00:25:19,200 - Remember that Jonah guy? - Jonah? 524 00:25:19,279 --> 00:25:21,839 - The seven-foot mouth? - Yeah. Look at this. 525 00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:25,359 What if I give the Wi-Fi password to all on Pennsylvania Avenue? 526 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:28,119 Are you kidding me? He's gone! 527 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:31,559 This is the best day of my life! ( laughs ) 528 00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:33,519 - ( music stops ) - ( Amy groans ) 529 00:25:33,599 --> 00:25:35,160 - Gary: Hey. - Amy: Come on! 530 00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:39,599 Ladies and gentlemen, Vice President Selina Meyer! 531 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:41,599 Whoo! You should be here! 532 00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:43,880 Selina: I wanted to say a few words 533 00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:47,359 and speak very frankly. I was gonna say baldly, 534 00:25:47,440 --> 00:25:50,920 but I know how sensitive Mike is about his hair. 535 00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:53,400 ( laughing ) 536 00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:56,039 We all know how much Mike loves his boat. 537 00:25:56,119 --> 00:25:59,519 And I'll tell you something. If he ever chose to fish, 538 00:25:59,599 --> 00:26:02,960 I know that he'd be able to cast upstream, 539 00:26:03,039 --> 00:26:07,640 to anticipate, and at that very first bite, reel it in. 540 00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:09,720 That's the kind of guy that Mike is. 541 00:26:09,799 --> 00:26:12,759 - Aw. - Oh, gosh. I'm going to miss him... 542 00:26:12,839 --> 00:26:15,480 Um, when he goes on his honeymoon. 543 00:26:15,559 --> 00:26:18,559 So, here's to Mike and Wendy 544 00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:21,200 "Some New Beginnings: 545 00:26:21,279 --> 00:26:25,200 Their Next American Journey"! 546 00:26:26,799 --> 00:26:33,720 ( music resumes )