1 00:00:06,679 --> 00:00:08,400 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:24,199 --> 00:00:25,920 ( siren chirping ) 3 00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:28,920 Dee: Is this the last one, 'Leash? 4 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:30,920 I cannot walk another step with my Louboutin heels. 5 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:33,039 Humph. Yeah, "Louboutin." Right. 6 00:00:33,920 --> 00:00:35,799 And who wears fake heels at breakfast time? 7 00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:38,759 - Dee do. - Jonah: Alicia? Alicia Bryce? 8 00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:41,479 - Hey, you're Alicia Bryce, right? - Who wants to know? 9 00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:43,920 - Dee: Some curb-crawling asshole. - My name's Jonah Ryan. 10 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:46,320 I'm a reporter. I am straight diggin' your campaign. 11 00:00:46,399 --> 00:00:48,960 - Uh-huh. What campaign? - Your child care campaign. 12 00:00:49,039 --> 00:00:50,840 Your "I live three miles from the White House, 13 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:52,399 might as well be three million miles." 14 00:00:52,479 --> 00:00:54,920 All right. I'll talk. 15 00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:58,600 That clown car got a giant clown in it. 16 00:00:58,679 --> 00:01:00,920 Hold up, hold up! Hey there! Alicia, whoa. 17 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:04,400 My website is Ryantology.net and I'm a storyteller. 18 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:07,560 And I want to tell real stories about real people, okay? 19 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:10,159 I'm like John Steinbeck in that regard-- or Denzel Washington. 20 00:01:10,239 --> 00:01:12,519 - You wanna ask me a question? - Yes. 21 00:01:12,599 --> 00:01:15,959 "Tell me your story. Question mark." 22 00:01:16,039 --> 00:01:18,079 - Okay. I'm a single mom. - Jonah: Mm-hmm. 23 00:01:18,158 --> 00:01:20,039 I have a six-year-old daughter named Halo. 24 00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:21,719 Sometimes when I take her to school, 25 00:01:21,799 --> 00:01:24,519 - we have some problems-- - Jonah: Oh, shit. 26 00:01:24,599 --> 00:01:26,280 - What? - Excuse me? 27 00:01:28,039 --> 00:01:30,640 Alicia? I'm Amy Brookheimer. We spoke yesterday. 28 00:01:30,719 --> 00:01:33,039 Oh, my God, yes! Yes! Hi! 29 00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:35,920 - Hi, Amy. Great seeing you. - You guys know each other? 30 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:37,479 - Jonah: We dated. - Amy: We worked together. 31 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:40,158 I was kinda Amy's boss at the time. It got complicated. 32 00:01:40,239 --> 00:01:41,719 But she's basically a good kid. 33 00:01:41,799 --> 00:01:43,799 - Do you mind, maybe we can-- - Go inside? 34 00:01:43,878 --> 00:01:45,920 - That's a great idea. - That'd be great, let's go inside. 35 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:48,400 - Some other time. - Okay, some other time. 36 00:01:48,479 --> 00:01:49,878 - All right. - I'm gonna hold you to that. 37 00:01:49,959 --> 00:01:52,479 - Alicia: All right. - I'll see you later. 38 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:54,840 - Jonah: Just sittin' on the co'ner. - Man: What? 39 00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:56,479 Nothing. 40 00:01:59,359 --> 00:02:03,319 Halo, baby, come out here and meet Miss Amy from the vice president's office. 41 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:05,680 Hello. Do you like Power Rangers? 42 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:10,840 Okay. Well, you can go back and sit with Grandma, okay? 43 00:02:10,919 --> 00:02:12,599 Well, I'm gonna get right to it. 44 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:14,080 The veep wants you to be with her 45 00:02:14,159 --> 00:02:16,520 when she announces she's running for president. 46 00:02:16,599 --> 00:02:19,639 - Oh, my God. - She's a really big fan of yours. 47 00:02:19,719 --> 00:02:23,319 - Yeah? You hear that? - In fact, right now she is at her desk 48 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,240 patiently waiting to speak with you. 49 00:02:25,319 --> 00:02:29,400 Ma'am, outdoors risks rained-on hair and running mascara. 50 00:02:29,478 --> 00:02:30,960 Do you want to look like Alice Cooper? 51 00:02:31,039 --> 00:02:32,840 My second marriage took place in the rain. 52 00:02:32,918 --> 00:02:35,960 You can see my nipples in all the photos. 53 00:02:36,039 --> 00:02:37,478 I'm doing the speech outside, all right? 54 00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:39,240 All great speeches are done outside. 55 00:02:39,319 --> 00:02:41,199 Gettysburg, Mount Sinai-- 56 00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:42,879 the speech I made in Philadelphia three weeks ago. 57 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:45,400 - Which was fantastic. - Which was fucking fantastic. 58 00:02:45,478 --> 00:02:47,400 - That was inside, ma'am. - Oh, that was inside. 59 00:02:47,478 --> 00:02:50,478 Ma'am. Ma'am, it's Amy. She sounds uncomfortable. 60 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:52,599 Like she's with a member of the public. 61 00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:54,439 Okay, she's got one of the "normals" here. 62 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:57,000 Okay, space? We're not going to be dealing with space 63 00:02:57,079 --> 00:02:58,478 as an issue in the speech. 64 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:00,280 Space is bold, but safe at the same time. 65 00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:02,199 There are no votes in space. There's nothing there. 66 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:04,879 - Selina: Hi, Ame. - I'm gonna pass you onto Alicia, ma'am. 67 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:06,919 - Alicia? - Alicia Keys? 68 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:08,759 Alicia Bryce, that's right, ma'am! 69 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:11,120 - ( whispers ) She loves you. - Oh, Alicia Bryce! 70 00:03:11,199 --> 00:03:13,360 She's doing the "Walk To The White House." 71 00:03:13,439 --> 00:03:16,120 I know, right. She wants universal child care, right? 72 00:03:16,199 --> 00:03:18,439 - I know who she is. - Child care, exactly. 73 00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:21,759 Amy, put her on. Alicia! 74 00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:24,120 ( yelps ) Hi-i-i! 75 00:03:24,199 --> 00:03:27,360 - Hi-ii, Madam Vice President. - How are you? 76 00:03:27,439 --> 00:03:30,199 I want you to know that universal child care is something 77 00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:33,000 I'm going to be passionate about in my campaign. 78 00:03:33,079 --> 00:03:35,360 I can't wait to see you on the special day. 79 00:03:35,439 --> 00:03:38,319 Thank you so much for being a part of all of it. 80 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:39,800 I'm very honored. Thank you. 81 00:03:39,879 --> 00:03:42,079 Okay. Bye-bye. 82 00:03:42,159 --> 00:03:43,800 - Ma'am? - Yeah. 83 00:03:43,879 --> 00:03:46,599 I'm in the middle of a lot of shit right now, so I'm hanging up. 84 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:49,520 Yeah, we are delighted too! 85 00:03:49,599 --> 00:03:51,639 Ma'am. Child care? 86 00:03:51,719 --> 00:03:54,599 Children are of no value. Forget child care. 87 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,840 Children are vital, Kenny Rogers. 88 00:03:56,918 --> 00:03:58,918 We're not all planning to die alone like you. 89 00:04:02,759 --> 00:04:04,199 Mike: So you excited to be here? 90 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:05,919 You bet! 91 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:08,960 If your girl makes president, you guys double your pay, right? 92 00:04:09,039 --> 00:04:11,960 - I don't know. Do we, Amy? - That's not how it works. 93 00:04:12,039 --> 00:04:14,360 The vice president is so happy that we found you, Alicia. 94 00:04:14,439 --> 00:04:17,920 Kent, this is Alicia Bryce, the universal child care lady. 95 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:20,639 - Hi. - Sure. 96 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:24,519 Oh. Whatever it is I'm selling, he is not buying. 97 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:26,319 Don't worry, he's like that with all the humans. 98 00:04:26,399 --> 00:04:28,040 He thinks you're great. I'm just gonna remind him. 99 00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:29,519 Yeah. Please do, Ame. 100 00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:32,079 Mike, I've been waiting for an hour for excerpts from the speech. 101 00:04:32,159 --> 00:04:34,000 Leon, today is a very high-pressure day, 102 00:04:34,079 --> 00:04:36,480 and as you know me, I don't even like high-pressure showers. 103 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:37,959 Is that what I've been smelling? 104 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:39,519 I thought maybe it was your panic. 105 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:41,040 He's kidding. I shower, of course. 106 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:44,360 And you like to use a lot cologne. Like a lot of cologne. 107 00:04:44,439 --> 00:04:46,800 - Axe Body Spray, right, Mike? - Okay, guys? 108 00:04:46,879 --> 00:04:49,319 If we could put Mr. West back in the press area 109 00:04:49,399 --> 00:04:50,959 and keep him there? Thank you. 110 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:52,519 - Ms. Bryce? - Mm-hmm? 111 00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:54,000 - Sue Wilson. - Oh. 112 00:04:54,079 --> 00:04:55,519 What does a red sticker mean? 113 00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:58,600 I'm like a target for snipers? 114 00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:01,240 It means you're wearing a red sticker. Follow me, please. 115 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:05,360 Ma'am, I spoke to Senator Doyle earlier, 116 00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:07,920 and he offered his input on configuration of guests. 117 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:11,399 Doyle? You're kidding me. I'd rather get advice from a fucking Ouija board. 118 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:13,160 Sue, where's Catherine? 119 00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:16,079 - She's late, ma'am. - She better have been in an accident. 120 00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:18,319 Dan, this rewrite kicks balls and ass. 121 00:05:18,399 --> 00:05:20,800 It explains me, it really articulates me. 122 00:05:20,879 --> 00:05:23,319 It's beautifully put together-- like me. 123 00:05:23,399 --> 00:05:25,000 It's great. It's locked. 124 00:05:25,079 --> 00:05:27,360 - Oh, thank God. - We just have a couple of tweaks. 125 00:05:27,439 --> 00:05:29,560 If you go to paragraph two on page one, 126 00:05:29,639 --> 00:05:31,040 that's where you'll see my notes. 127 00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:32,519 I thought you just said it was locked. 128 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:34,759 Yeah, it is. It's structurally very sound. 129 00:05:34,839 --> 00:05:37,639 We just need to nail the wording, okay? 130 00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:39,680 - Ma'am. - Yes? 131 00:05:39,759 --> 00:05:41,480 This "Saturday Night Live" shitstorm 132 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,600 has just hit nine on the "Sphincter Scale." 133 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:45,519 - The sketch? - Yeah. Three million hits. 134 00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:47,079 Selina: Oh, those shit stains. 135 00:05:47,159 --> 00:05:49,040 So what? I had a horse as a kid. Who didn't? 136 00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:51,279 - Mmm... - I mean, have a pet is what I meant. 137 00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:53,839 Well, ma'am, in your book, you say that pony grooming 138 00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:56,560 taught you about how tough it is for American farmers. 139 00:05:56,639 --> 00:05:58,360 - I did say that, 'cause they do. - That's funny! 140 00:05:58,439 --> 00:06:01,199 - Why is that funny? - I can't watch it. Did you see it? 141 00:06:01,279 --> 00:06:03,319 Selina: No, I don't watch this show. It's completely juvenile. 142 00:06:03,399 --> 00:06:05,120 ( applause on TV ) 143 00:06:05,199 --> 00:06:06,680 Woman: What are you doing, honey? 144 00:06:06,759 --> 00:06:09,800 I'm learning how hard it is to be a farmer. 145 00:06:09,879 --> 00:06:12,319 It's really, really hard! 146 00:06:12,399 --> 00:06:14,560 Finished! 147 00:06:14,639 --> 00:06:16,839 It's like "SNL" is going back in time and abusing a child. 148 00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:20,319 I'm Selina Meyer, and I approve my pony. 149 00:06:20,399 --> 00:06:23,959 Like I always say, nothing less funny than a comedian. 150 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,600 Ma'am, the thing to do in this situation is you own it. 151 00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:28,240 You go on the show, and you own it. 152 00:06:28,319 --> 00:06:29,759 Selina: Are you kidding me, Dan? 153 00:06:29,839 --> 00:06:32,720 If somebody takes a shit in your car, what are you gonna do? 154 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:34,680 You gonna drop your trou and take a crap 155 00:06:34,759 --> 00:06:36,800 through the sunroof? I don't think so, buddy. 156 00:06:36,879 --> 00:06:39,079 Get on the phone to "SNL" and fix this. 157 00:06:39,159 --> 00:06:41,759 Ma'am, this has speech implications-- 158 00:06:41,839 --> 00:06:43,240 Oh, please. 159 00:06:43,319 --> 00:06:44,839 Sue, can I impose myself on your diagram over here? 160 00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:47,240 Come on over. "Sue" casa es su casa, sir. 161 00:06:47,319 --> 00:06:49,399 ( guffaws ) 162 00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:51,480 - Selina: Wait a minute. - That's funny, Sue. 163 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:53,879 - What are you saying? - Well, thanks to "Saturday Night Live," 164 00:06:53,959 --> 00:06:56,319 we need to take "Disabled Farmer" off the steps. 165 00:06:56,399 --> 00:06:57,879 - No, we don't. - You gotta take him out of the speech. 166 00:06:57,959 --> 00:06:59,519 - So, Dan, you got to lose-- - Yup. 167 00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:02,160 So now we need to replace Disabled Farmer with somebody else. 168 00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:04,040 - No, you're not going to replace him. - Wait, shit, you know what? 169 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:05,720 We can't lose the farmer. If we do that, 170 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,680 we gotta get rid of the "Sensitive New York Fitness Guy," and then 171 00:07:07,759 --> 00:07:09,800 we can't go metropolitan if we're not gonna hit Middle America. 172 00:07:09,879 --> 00:07:11,879 - That's right. - We need to rewrite the speech! 173 00:07:11,959 --> 00:07:14,079 I can't rewrite the rewrite, Kent. I'm still writing it. 174 00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:16,800 That's the reality, Dan. If you don't like the reality, 175 00:07:16,879 --> 00:07:20,319 go live in Oregon and make quilts with my mother. She could use the help. 176 00:07:20,399 --> 00:07:22,879 Guys, guys, everything here is sacred. 177 00:07:22,959 --> 00:07:26,079 This is staying exactly the way it is. 178 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:29,519 Okay? Exactly. For the first time in four years, 179 00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:31,120 I can say what I really think. 180 00:07:31,199 --> 00:07:34,319 You start picking this thing apart, and what am I left as? 181 00:07:34,399 --> 00:07:38,240 Some sort of optimistic warmonger with a soft spot for educated gays. 182 00:07:40,279 --> 00:07:41,800 What's the hold-up? 183 00:07:41,879 --> 00:07:44,040 President Lincoln should be back from the theater by now. 184 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:46,639 - Good things come to those who wait. - Gimmie. 185 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:49,560 Quit your yakking, 'cause guess who's packin'! 186 00:07:49,639 --> 00:07:51,920 - Give me one of those. - Legit journalists only. 187 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:53,399 Yeah, not some pissant who narrowcasts 188 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:55,279 libelous poison from his mother's phone. 189 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:58,240 Know what, Leon? I'm the future of news media, so-- 190 00:07:58,319 --> 00:08:00,519 - Mike, this is just a press release. - No, it's not. 191 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:03,319 Jonah, I'm going to have your credentials checked, "Jonad". 192 00:08:03,399 --> 00:08:06,240 Oh, yeah, real professional, Mike. 193 00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:09,079 - Jonad! Jonad! - I'll find my own. 194 00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:11,279 - Jonad! Jonad! - Mike! 195 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:13,720 Hi. Is there someplace we're supposed to be? 196 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:17,079 Sorry, yeah. Just yelling at the media. Yes, yes, yes. 197 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:20,560 Oh, hey, Steps VIPs. You guys are an inspiration. 198 00:08:20,639 --> 00:08:22,800 - Thank you. - Put your boss on the phone, 199 00:08:22,879 --> 00:08:25,839 or I will sauté your sack, you "SNL" shitstick. 200 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:27,319 Sue: Red Stickers assemble! 201 00:08:27,399 --> 00:08:29,480 That was Sue. She says it's time for you guys 202 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:32,039 - to become Steps Superstars! - Yay! 203 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:34,919 - I need all Steps VIPs, please! - Mike: That's you! 204 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:36,679 - You dared to dream. - That's anyone with a red sticker! 205 00:08:36,759 --> 00:08:39,080 Are you ready? Come on. Here we go. 206 00:08:41,039 --> 00:08:43,480 Mike, half of America just came in. 207 00:08:43,558 --> 00:08:46,799 This is like Black Friday at Wal-Mart. 208 00:08:46,879 --> 00:08:48,600 No, no, these people are filler, 209 00:08:48,679 --> 00:08:50,200 you are killer. Seriously. 210 00:08:50,279 --> 00:08:52,639 You are a big-- Gary, come here. 211 00:08:52,720 --> 00:08:54,639 I wanted you to meet Alicia. 212 00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:57,320 Alicia, hey, it's so nice to meet you! 213 00:08:57,399 --> 00:08:58,799 Ooh, you're VIP! 214 00:08:58,879 --> 00:09:00,679 I was just telling her how special she is. 215 00:09:00,759 --> 00:09:02,799 Like, who's this lady in the back row? I don't even know her. 216 00:09:02,879 --> 00:09:04,279 Her? Just beat cancer. 217 00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:06,360 Yeah, but not a bad one. An easy one, 218 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:09,360 like finger or skin. Not one of the hard ones. 219 00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:10,840 Are they all as special as me? 220 00:09:10,919 --> 00:09:12,960 - No. No, no, no. - No. Are you kidding? 221 00:09:13,039 --> 00:09:15,279 This guy here is just an injured fireman. 222 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:17,279 I don't see any scars. ( laughs ) 223 00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:19,720 I need Foster Mom and Heroic Restaurateur 224 00:09:19,799 --> 00:09:22,559 - to switch places, please. - Mike: Heroic Restaurateur! 225 00:09:22,639 --> 00:09:25,240 "Ooh, I just made an omelet, I'm a hero!" 226 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:27,279 Oh, Halo has to pee. 227 00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:29,159 Hey, Amy, where are the chaperones? 228 00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:31,120 The St. Joseph's Children's Choir 229 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,240 has come down with a vomiting bug. All 30 of them. 230 00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:36,559 So the chaperones are drowning in children at the moment. 231 00:09:36,639 --> 00:09:38,759 I can take you, I'm going that way anyway. 232 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:41,639 So why don't you come with me? Do I take her hand? 233 00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:44,399 - Yes, hold Miss Amy's hand. - Amy was born to be with kids. 234 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:47,519 - Well, peeing is fun! - Mike: There you go. 235 00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:50,919 - All right. This is my spot? - Okay, are we ready? 236 00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:53,480 - ( applauding ) - How you all doing? Are you good? 237 00:09:53,559 --> 00:09:56,200 I feel good! Thank you all for being here! 238 00:09:56,279 --> 00:09:59,840 - You look like a pretty toy soldier. - Okay, don't do a salute. 239 00:09:59,919 --> 00:10:03,360 - Ma'am, may I present your VIPs? - Oh, Karen! 240 00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:06,159 Ma'am, I loved you on "Saturday Night Live." You were hysterical. 241 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:10,039 That wasn't me, though. But wasn't it funny? So funny! 242 00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:12,360 - This right here-- - Alicia Bryce! 243 00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:14,320 - We get to meet each other at last! - Yes! 244 00:10:14,399 --> 00:10:15,799 - She's the one who-- - Wonderful! 245 00:10:15,879 --> 00:10:18,039 I am passionate about universal child care. 246 00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:21,240 - Ma'am, I am so glad to talk to you. - You should also know-- 247 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:24,039 - That's a little distracting. - Yeah, it is. It's distracting. 248 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:26,639 - So distracting. - Yeah, so quit it. 249 00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:28,639 Ma'am, I didn't get a chance to say on the phone, 250 00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,799 but 38% of our kids have no regular child care arrangements. 251 00:10:31,879 --> 00:10:34,960 - 38%. Ugh. - Two out of every five kids. 252 00:10:35,039 --> 00:10:38,120 - 38%, right? - 38%. That's it. 253 00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:40,919 - I'm glad you echo my concerns. - No, I do. 254 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:42,519 I echo your concerns. 255 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,000 I'm gonna see you soon, and that's 100%. 256 00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,799 You can repeat 100% any time you like, ma'am. 257 00:10:47,879 --> 00:10:50,320 I will, ma'am-- 100%! 258 00:10:50,399 --> 00:10:51,799 Okay, where've you been? 259 00:10:51,879 --> 00:10:53,919 Okay, great pee! 260 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:56,279 I wanna know who's responsible for that sketch, you cock... 261 00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:58,960 - tail napkin. Yeah, you heard me. - Dan. Amy. 262 00:10:59,039 --> 00:11:00,440 - Shit, I gotta go. - Senator Doyle. 263 00:11:00,519 --> 00:11:02,840 I have a meeting scheduled with the vice president 264 00:11:02,919 --> 00:11:06,320 right now and it is "right now" right now. 265 00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:10,200 - Dan, you take this... right now. - What? 266 00:11:10,279 --> 00:11:12,360 No, I can't talk 'cause I'm on another call. 267 00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:16,200 - You guys are an inspiration. - Mike: No, not this one. 268 00:11:16,279 --> 00:11:19,799 Mike, I need Dee. She's outside, I need her to watch Halo. 269 00:11:19,879 --> 00:11:22,200 No problem. I will get Dee. 270 00:11:22,279 --> 00:11:23,639 You okay, baby? 271 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,399 Yeah, it's good, except this order's wrong because 272 00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:29,559 you can't have hospital after military. 273 00:11:29,639 --> 00:11:31,039 But you wanted military first. 274 00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:33,360 Yeah, I know, but you can't have 275 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:35,480 hospitals after war. That's what I'm saying. 276 00:11:35,559 --> 00:11:37,159 'Cause then they sound like they're the result of war. 277 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:39,120 It's the curse of the unintended narrative. 278 00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:40,600 Okay, but you still want military first? 279 00:11:40,679 --> 00:11:42,080 Yes! 280 00:11:42,159 --> 00:11:44,080 I'll just say them simultaneously. 281 00:11:44,159 --> 00:11:46,559 Like those Tibetan throat singers, Dan. 282 00:11:46,639 --> 00:11:48,679 Ma'am, you gotta dump the universal child care. 283 00:11:48,759 --> 00:11:50,440 Jesus, Doyle, where did you just come from? 284 00:11:50,519 --> 00:11:52,480 Universal child care is a bottomless money pit. 285 00:11:52,559 --> 00:11:55,720 You pledge this, you can forget about having a navy. 286 00:11:55,799 --> 00:11:58,240 Okay, sweetheart, don't get your panties all up in a wad. 287 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,840 I'm just mentioning Alicia Bryce by name. 288 00:12:00,919 --> 00:12:03,080 I am not appointing her to my joint chiefs of staff. 289 00:12:03,159 --> 00:12:05,240 Do I look like I rode in on the last "fuck truck," Selina? 290 00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:06,720 What's a "fuck truck"? 291 00:12:06,799 --> 00:12:08,480 You're smuggling in universal child care. 292 00:12:08,559 --> 00:12:10,840 You sound paranoid, okay? 293 00:12:10,919 --> 00:12:12,879 I'm mentioning child care. That's it. 294 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:16,000 So we can say anything now? We can say we can heal the sick. 295 00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:18,120 We can turn water into blowjobs. 296 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:20,639 - All right, we're done here. - Selina, play it safe. 297 00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:24,080 Put the AARP on those steps. Seniors vote. 298 00:12:24,159 --> 00:12:25,600 They've got nothing else to do. 299 00:12:25,679 --> 00:12:27,919 I've got a senior up there. I'm looking right at him. 300 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:31,080 - Okay? - Well... maybe you don't have him. 301 00:12:31,159 --> 00:12:32,879 - What? - Excuse me, I gotta take this call. 302 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,559 It's from a senior member 303 00:12:34,639 --> 00:12:37,360 of the party that you hope to lead. 304 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:38,840 What do you want me to do? 305 00:12:38,919 --> 00:12:40,720 You want me to be some sort of a party puppet? 306 00:12:40,799 --> 00:12:43,759 You can stick your hand up my ass and work my mouth? 307 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:45,559 - Doyle: Yes, please! - Gosh! 308 00:12:45,639 --> 00:12:47,039 What were you bobbleheads doing 309 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:49,200 while I was just getting ear-fucked by Father Time? 310 00:12:49,279 --> 00:12:51,320 - Senator Doyle is correct, ma'am. - No, he's not! 311 00:12:51,399 --> 00:12:53,679 The gray vote is a given, but universal child care? 312 00:12:53,759 --> 00:12:55,159 That spooks the horses. 313 00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:56,879 Seniors are the easy vote. 314 00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,799 Child care is a principle. 315 00:12:59,879 --> 00:13:02,879 Ma'am, you have plenty of principles. Just gotta pick another one. 316 00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:06,120 Oh, my gosh, I can't believe this! 317 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:10,279 No, the Dee don't stand for anything. 318 00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:12,720 That's like me askin' you what does the "Mike" stand for? 319 00:13:12,799 --> 00:13:14,720 It stands for "Mike kinda guy." 320 00:13:14,799 --> 00:13:17,440 - You kinda lame. - Leon: Mike? 321 00:13:17,519 --> 00:13:18,919 "Honey, I dropped the kids"? 322 00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:20,600 What? Oh, no, no. 323 00:13:20,679 --> 00:13:22,879 The chaperone said the choir will sing, Leon. 324 00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:26,039 No, universal child care. Rumor has it Selina's dropping it. 325 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:27,919 - Wait, what? - Absolutely not. 326 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:29,759 It is a priority for the vice president. 327 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:31,240 It better be. 328 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:33,840 Who's the bulldog, new campaign manager? 329 00:13:33,919 --> 00:13:36,519 My name is Dee. And you're what, fucking nobody? 330 00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,360 'Cause don't nobody talk to Dee like that, okay? 331 00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:41,240 - Let's go. That was a good put-down. - It was okay. 332 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,159 Look here-- you wrote, "All you who've." 333 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:45,960 Oh, ma'am, "SNL" just e-mailed me back. 334 00:13:46,039 --> 00:13:49,120 - Oh, crap in my lap. - Selina: What? What is it? 335 00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:52,159 - Selina: What? - They're gonna do another sketch. 336 00:13:53,919 --> 00:13:55,960 Wait a minute. 337 00:13:56,039 --> 00:13:58,600 - They're gonna what? - Is this your doing? 338 00:13:58,679 --> 00:14:00,080 Did you give them this idea, Dan? 339 00:14:00,159 --> 00:14:02,720 I don't do offended, but I am... 340 00:14:02,799 --> 00:14:04,879 affronted that you'd even think that. 341 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:06,840 Mm--! 342 00:14:06,919 --> 00:14:09,360 - Fucking comedians. - Fucking comedians. 343 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,440 I'll tell you what happens. They get bullied when they're little at school, 344 00:14:11,519 --> 00:14:13,840 and then they perpetuate the cycle by bullying me. 345 00:14:13,919 --> 00:14:15,879 I'm gonna take care of this. I'm gonna call those fucking nerds right now. 346 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,360 Yeah. Get that done! 347 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:20,039 Sorry I was late. I was giving that speech at... 348 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:23,279 (Ben laughing) Oh! Great minds think alike! 349 00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:26,159 Ben: You look like you're in one of those body swap comedies. 350 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:29,639 What in the wide world of fuck do you think you're wearing? 351 00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:32,000 Nice to see you too. 352 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:34,000 I was trying to be conservative. 353 00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:36,159 You haven't dressed like this since you were two and a half. 354 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:39,080 This makes me look like I'm some sort of a crazy person 355 00:14:39,399 --> 00:14:41,840 that was deliberately trying to make us look like twins. 356 00:14:41,919 --> 00:14:44,399 - That's nuts! - I'm not trying to make you look crazy. 357 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:45,960 Then go and change this outfit. 358 00:14:46,039 --> 00:14:48,480 Seriously. This is ridiculous. 359 00:14:48,559 --> 00:14:50,639 Why don't you change? 360 00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:52,919 Huh? Is that a joke? 361 00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:55,960 Yes. 362 00:14:57,360 --> 00:14:59,559 This is my day. 363 00:14:59,639 --> 00:15:01,159 I mean, you know? 364 00:15:02,639 --> 00:15:04,759 Cute-- "Li'l Selina." 365 00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:06,960 ( mock laughing ) 366 00:15:07,039 --> 00:15:09,679 I just got off the phone with the congressional leadership 367 00:15:09,759 --> 00:15:11,519 and they're stuck in traffic, 368 00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:13,279 so we may not make it to the steps. 369 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:17,279 You hear that? 370 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:21,840 Are you threatening me? 371 00:15:21,919 --> 00:15:24,679 Oh, no. Traffic is really bad, 372 00:15:24,759 --> 00:15:27,600 so the car might be stuck there forever. 373 00:15:27,679 --> 00:15:29,480 So I'm supposed to let a bunch 374 00:15:29,559 --> 00:15:32,960 of dead-eyed white guys... 375 00:15:33,039 --> 00:15:36,639 shit all over absolutely everything that I stand for. 376 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:40,080 Huh? Mm-mm. 377 00:15:40,159 --> 00:15:42,720 I'm not going to let the party dictate to me. 378 00:15:42,799 --> 00:15:45,440 - Okay. - Oh-hh-kay. 379 00:15:49,039 --> 00:15:50,440 ( door closes ) 380 00:15:50,519 --> 00:15:52,440 Shit! 381 00:15:52,519 --> 00:15:54,600 God! 382 00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:00,559 God! ( groans ) 383 00:16:05,799 --> 00:16:09,360 I've decided that I'm... 384 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:12,120 going to let them dictate to me. 385 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:14,879 Because that is my decision. 386 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:18,720 Do you understand that? I am letting them do that! 387 00:16:18,799 --> 00:16:20,399 - Get it? - Yes, ma'am. 388 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:24,519 Right! But they do not own me! 389 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:26,919 - They really don't, ma'am. - Selina: No, they don't! 390 00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:30,080 No, they don't! ( grunts ) 391 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:36,080 So... 392 00:16:38,159 --> 00:16:40,120 we're losing child care? 393 00:16:41,039 --> 00:16:43,559 Replacing it with seniors? 394 00:16:49,679 --> 00:16:51,039 ( sighing ) 395 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:58,000 Okay, Benevolent Taxi Driver should move to his left. 396 00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:00,159 Mr. Davis, can you move to the left, please? 397 00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:03,399 - It's Miss Dee! My VIP! - Excuse me, ma'am. 398 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:04,880 Could you go back to where you were standing? 399 00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,079 - I'll be real fast. - Dee: What's wrong with her face? 400 00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,240 Looks like something crawled up in there and died. 401 00:17:09,319 --> 00:17:11,160 - Mike, child care has been axed. - Mike: What? 402 00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,079 You need to dump Alicia-- sensitively. 403 00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:14,720 I can't! Amy! 404 00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:19,598 Yes, she's really, really into it. 405 00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:21,160 - ( sighs ) - What's wrong? 406 00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:22,640 You look like you killed a hooker. 407 00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:25,640 No, I didn't. Um... 408 00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,880 This is slightly worse, Alicia. 409 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,599 You may know what I'm about to say, 410 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:32,319 so please feel free to say it. 411 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,200 That way I don't really have to say it. 412 00:17:34,279 --> 00:17:35,880 Could I talk to Amy? 413 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,839 Thank you. Yes. Amy? 414 00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:39,640 - Amy, Alicia requested-- - Not happening. 415 00:17:42,319 --> 00:17:45,039 Amy's on a phone and walking. 416 00:17:46,039 --> 00:17:47,559 We have to-- 417 00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:50,079 we have to stand you down, Alicia, for this event. 418 00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:53,359 - We're not gonna need you. - Dee: This is unbelievable. 419 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:56,839 I know, and I apologize if we have wasted your time. 420 00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:58,319 No, you ain't wasted nobody's time. 421 00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,119 We gonna use that time to kick your ass. 422 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:02,680 I'm angry too, I wanna kick my own ass. I'll do it for you. 423 00:18:02,759 --> 00:18:04,519 I've punched myself in the face before. 424 00:18:04,599 --> 00:18:07,519 - I ran into a wall once. - I'm freakin' tired of you, okay? 425 00:18:07,599 --> 00:18:09,759 The vice president is going to West Virginia next month 426 00:18:09,839 --> 00:18:11,720 to visit a kindergarten. You could come with us! 427 00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:13,200 I'm not going to West Virginia! 428 00:18:13,279 --> 00:18:14,880 What do we look like going to any Virginia? 429 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:16,599 I don't know who it's from, but I have to take this call. 430 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:18,119 - Mike McClintock-- - No, you are not taking it. 431 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:20,079 I have to take this! I have to do this! 432 00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:22,640 Ow! I'm trying to help you, you stupid cow! 433 00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:29,160 What did you just say? 434 00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:33,119 I-- where I grew up, my dad called my mom a cow all the time. 435 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:35,440 It's not bad, it's homey and friendly. 436 00:18:35,519 --> 00:18:37,880 "I love you, baby, you're a cow." 437 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:39,440 ( clapping ) 438 00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:42,319 Oh, my God, Mike. What are you going to do for an encore? 439 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:43,799 You gonna punch the kid? 440 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:45,680 - Alicia, you and I should talk. - Out that door, 441 00:18:45,759 --> 00:18:47,440 before I nail your squawky throat to it. 442 00:18:47,519 --> 00:18:49,759 I can feel that air crackling between us, Amy. 443 00:18:49,839 --> 00:18:52,440 Leon, do you have any idea what just happened in there? 444 00:18:52,519 --> 00:18:54,559 Amy, what is this bushel of fuck talking about? 445 00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:56,359 Leon, would you mind smashing his head off 446 00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:58,480 - with a fire extinguisher? - I wouldn't mind. 447 00:19:01,599 --> 00:19:03,240 She hasn't moved in five minutes. 448 00:19:03,319 --> 00:19:04,960 She must feel horrible. 449 00:19:05,039 --> 00:19:07,559 Dan: It's like her fucking head's gonna spin around. 450 00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:10,400 Amy, what the fuck is happening? Is Mike on crank? 451 00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:12,119 That's actually the least of my worries right now. 452 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,640 Your mom has gone quiet. 453 00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:15,960 ( knocks ) 454 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:21,000 I see you found it-- the "Room of Regret." 455 00:19:21,079 --> 00:19:24,680 - I'm fucked, Ben. I'm fucked. - Well, there's a remedy. 456 00:19:24,759 --> 00:19:27,400 It's an ancient technique that's been plied 457 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,640 by loveable losers 458 00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:32,039 since way back. It's called begging. 459 00:19:32,119 --> 00:19:33,519 - Beg? - Yeah. 460 00:19:33,599 --> 00:19:35,359 Jonah, that fucking lowlife? 461 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:39,000 That fucking lowlife? You gotta go lower! 462 00:19:39,079 --> 00:19:41,440 You gotta go lower than the lowest lowlife. 463 00:19:41,519 --> 00:19:42,960 You gotta dig and dig and dig 464 00:19:43,039 --> 00:19:45,839 until you get to the point where you wish you were dead. 465 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:47,759 Okay? And that's base camp. 466 00:19:49,119 --> 00:19:51,079 - I gotta beg. - Yeah. 467 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:54,400 This could help a little. Why don't you take one of these? 468 00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:57,160 - What is it? - I don't know, I found them in my desk. 469 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:00,440 Is there any way to snap her out of this 470 00:20:00,519 --> 00:20:02,480 "Diving Bell and Butterfly" shit? 471 00:20:02,559 --> 00:20:04,640 She should be rehearsing my speech by now. 472 00:20:06,119 --> 00:20:07,880 Catherine: How long has she been like this? 473 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:09,640 - Forever. - 15 minutes. 474 00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:12,640 - Okay. - Whoa, wait. Come on-- 475 00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:18,319 Okay. Your big day is a travesty. I get it. 476 00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:20,559 It's like my 21st birthday. 477 00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:22,039 Or my 18th birthday. 478 00:20:22,119 --> 00:20:24,880 Or every other birthday, okay? 479 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:27,759 Your entire life has been leading up to this moment. 480 00:20:27,839 --> 00:20:31,799 As a result of that, my entire life has been awful. 481 00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:33,759 Posing for Christmas cards, 482 00:20:33,839 --> 00:20:36,400 watching C-SPAN instead of "Sesame Street," 483 00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:40,119 going to memorials of old Israeli men that I've never even heard of. 484 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,480 I have had a hard, 485 00:20:42,559 --> 00:20:45,200 lonely, miserable life. 486 00:20:45,279 --> 00:20:48,319 The only thing that is going to make it worthwhile 487 00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:51,039 is if I become the daughter of the next President 488 00:20:51,119 --> 00:20:54,160 of the United States. So you need to go out there. 489 00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:57,160 And you need to stop behaving like a little bitch. 490 00:20:58,759 --> 00:21:01,039 Selina: Okay, sweetie, I am not a bitch, 491 00:21:01,119 --> 00:21:02,839 but thanks. 492 00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:06,200 And that jacket doesn't work, by the way. You look like a waiter. 493 00:21:06,279 --> 00:21:09,240 ( groans ) Oh, God damn it. 494 00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:13,119 It's okay. I fixed her. 495 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:15,240 Jonah. J-Rock. J-Riggedy. 496 00:21:15,319 --> 00:21:19,200 I'm asking you kindly to not run the "cow" story, okay? 497 00:21:19,279 --> 00:21:21,200 I'm appealing to your better nature. 498 00:21:21,279 --> 00:21:22,680 Mike, I don't have one of those. 499 00:21:22,759 --> 00:21:25,359 Jonah, please. I'm begging you. I'm begging you. 500 00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:26,839 Really? It doesn't look like you're begging. 501 00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:28,319 Please, Jonah. I'm begging. Please. 502 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:30,079 - Don't run with the story. - Now we're begging. 503 00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:32,200 What do you want me to do? Juggle? Dance? 504 00:21:32,279 --> 00:21:34,920 Actually, you know what? Sing me a song. 505 00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:38,319 Spin the ol' dial on Radio McClintock, see what it lands on. 506 00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:39,920 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 507 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:42,319 I don't know... "Goober Peas"? 508 00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:44,880 - I have no fucking idea what that is. - It's an old Civil War song. 509 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,359 - For real? - Yeah. 510 00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:48,319 Perfect. It's like a history lesson. Hit me up. 511 00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:49,799 You want me to count you in? 512 00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:52,279 - No. - Five, six, seven, eight-- 513 00:21:52,359 --> 00:21:56,200 # When a horseman passes, soldiers have a rule # 514 00:21:56,279 --> 00:21:58,440 # They cry out at their loudest # 515 00:21:58,519 --> 00:21:59,920 # "Mister, where's your mule?" # 516 00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:02,680 Put a little twang in it. Come on. 517 00:22:02,759 --> 00:22:06,319 # But another pleasure more enchantinger than these # 518 00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:09,680 # Is wearing out your grinders, eating goober peas! # 519 00:22:09,759 --> 00:22:11,279 Play the banjo. 520 00:22:11,359 --> 00:22:14,079 # Peas, peas, peas, peas, eating goober peas # 521 00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:17,640 # Goodness, how delicious, eating goober peas... # 522 00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:19,440 Tip that old Yankee gray! 523 00:22:19,519 --> 00:22:20,920 # Peas, peas, peas, peas... # 524 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:24,599 Sir, this is your beauty pageant of the nearly dead. 525 00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:27,519 Okay, everybody give me a smile and wave. 526 00:22:29,079 --> 00:22:30,480 - None of these. - Okay. 527 00:22:30,559 --> 00:22:31,960 - You okay, ma'am? - I just need my speech. 528 00:22:32,039 --> 00:22:33,880 Good to have you back, ma'am. The speech isn't ready yet. 529 00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:36,119 Just upload any draft, I'm going to wing it. 530 00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:38,559 "Blah blah blah, I am running." 531 00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:40,759 And I wasn't kidding about that jacket. 532 00:22:40,839 --> 00:22:42,680 Okay, guys, this is not a drill. 533 00:22:42,759 --> 00:22:44,240 "Operation Lady POTUS" is go. 534 00:22:44,319 --> 00:22:46,240 Amy, it's flashing. Why is that? 535 00:22:46,319 --> 00:22:47,920 Ma'am, sign off on the Steps lineup. 536 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:50,160 - We still have a gap. - Just spread all these guys out. 537 00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:52,039 Get rid of this guy. He looks like Jeffrey Dahmer. 538 00:22:52,119 --> 00:22:54,359 - Dan, maybe today? - Dan: Sorry, one second. 539 00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:57,200 The beltway is clear. Thank you, Selina. 540 00:22:57,279 --> 00:22:59,200 I'm glad there's no more traffic. 541 00:22:59,279 --> 00:23:01,799 - Yes, indeed. - Silver is the new gold, is that right? 542 00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:03,880 - Amen. - Get off the damn phone, Dan. 543 00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:05,880 - Ma'am, it's "SNL." - Give this to me. 544 00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:07,559 - Yeah, okay. - Lorne? 545 00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:09,799 Hi, it's Selina Meyer! 546 00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:12,839 - Amy: Is it printing? - It says "sub adder." 547 00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:14,319 What the fuck is that? 548 00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:16,680 Yeah, that sounds great! Yes, I will. Bye-bye. 549 00:23:16,759 --> 00:23:19,279 - Yeah, that's taken care of. - They're gonna drop it? 550 00:23:19,359 --> 00:23:21,119 Yeah, after they do one more with me in it. 551 00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:22,640 I'm just gonna embrace it. 552 00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:24,640 What about taking a dump in your car? 553 00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:26,440 - You what? - No, before-- 554 00:23:26,519 --> 00:23:27,960 - Are we ready to go? - Yeah. 555 00:23:28,039 --> 00:23:29,839 Great. Let's do it. 556 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:34,039 That was fantastic, Mike. That was fantastic. Get up. 557 00:23:34,119 --> 00:23:36,200 - That was really nice. - Thank you. I owe you one. 558 00:23:36,279 --> 00:23:38,880 - What do you owe me for? - Because you're not gonna run it. 559 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:41,640 Mike, I'm absolutely running the story. 560 00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:44,680 And now the "Goober Peas" and the begging, that's all part of it. 561 00:23:44,759 --> 00:23:47,279 You forgot to say it was off the record. 562 00:23:47,359 --> 00:23:50,480 That's like Journalism 101. 563 00:23:50,559 --> 00:23:52,000 Look into that, Mike. 564 00:23:52,079 --> 00:23:54,359 If I'm not wanted here, I might as well go home. 565 00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:56,079 'Leash, you cannot go home. 566 00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:58,599 You are the Rosa Parks of child care! 567 00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:01,640 At least Rosa got to sit down, right? 568 00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:03,720 Oh, my goodness. 569 00:24:03,799 --> 00:24:06,160 Who is this gorgeous...? 570 00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:08,119 Hi, darling! Is this your baby girl? 571 00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:11,480 - Uh-huh! - Hi, sweetie! 572 00:24:11,559 --> 00:24:13,799 Do you want to say hello to Senator Doyle? 573 00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:15,440 - Hello. - Oh. 574 00:24:15,519 --> 00:24:17,119 I know what you're doing, Selina. 575 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:19,319 Wouldn't it be a good idea 576 00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:22,000 if I mentioned her in my speech 577 00:24:22,079 --> 00:24:23,880 as the face of the future? 578 00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:25,920 ( childish voice ) Wouldn't that be good, Senator Doyle? 579 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:28,880 You wanna tell the little lady it's a good idea? 580 00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:31,200 Um... I think it's a good idea. 581 00:24:31,279 --> 00:24:33,079 Yes, fantastic! 582 00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:34,559 - I follow you on Twitter! - You're kidding! 583 00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,039 - I love it. - I retweet you. 584 00:24:36,119 --> 00:24:37,599 Look at that coat. Where is my daughter? 585 00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:40,240 Do you think that we could borrow your coat, 586 00:24:40,319 --> 00:24:41,920 just for the speech? 587 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:45,000 - I would be so honored. - Great! We'll tweet it. 588 00:24:45,079 --> 00:24:46,480 Ma'am, does this mean you'll talk about 589 00:24:46,559 --> 00:24:47,799 - universal child care? - We have to go. 590 00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:51,359 ( audience cheers ) 591 00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:54,200 Selina on P.A.: And what does USA start with? 592 00:24:54,279 --> 00:24:57,480 That's right! It starts with you! 593 00:24:57,559 --> 00:25:00,960 Today I announce my candidacy 594 00:25:01,039 --> 00:25:04,559 for President of the United States of America! 595 00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:06,039 ( cheers ) 596 00:25:06,119 --> 00:25:08,839 Here I stand... there you are! 597 00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:11,880 - Here we go! - ( cheers continue ) 598 00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:14,839 Selina: Oh, hey there! 599 00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:16,920 - Didn't she do a good job? - Yes, she did. 600 00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:19,359 We need to get her a balloon with my face on it. Yeah? 601 00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:20,960 I know we got slightly derailed today 602 00:25:21,039 --> 00:25:22,440 with the universal child care, 603 00:25:22,519 --> 00:25:23,920 but now we are really back on a roll. 604 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:25,559 Will you come on our walk, ma'am? 605 00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:28,359 Someone from the vice president's office will absolutely... 606 00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:31,680 Catherine, wouldn't you like to go on this lady's walk? 607 00:25:31,759 --> 00:25:34,720 - Yes, I would. - That's great news, thank you. 608 00:25:34,799 --> 00:25:37,599 - Thank you. - Jonah: Alicia Bryce? Alicia Bryce? 609 00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:40,200 Mike McClintock called you a "cow" earlier today. 610 00:25:40,279 --> 00:25:42,200 I wanted to know how that made you feel. 611 00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:44,279 I don't know what you're talking about. 612 00:25:44,359 --> 00:25:45,759 What do you mean you don't know 613 00:25:45,839 --> 00:25:47,440 what I'm talking about? I saw it happen! 614 00:25:47,519 --> 00:25:49,519 This is the problem with you new media guys. 615 00:25:49,599 --> 00:25:51,000 You don't check your facts. 616 00:25:51,079 --> 00:25:53,799 Jonah, you are the dick that keeps on giving! 617 00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:55,559 You can't bury the truth, Mike. 618 00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:57,359 - Can we take Mr. Ryan out? - This isn't fair! 619 00:25:57,440 --> 00:25:59,519 This is not fair. This is a conspiracy! 620 00:25:59,599 --> 00:26:01,920 - Thank you, Alicia. - Uh-uh. You're not my friend. 621 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:03,400 - You called me a cow. - I'm the cow! 622 00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:04,880 - You are. - I'm the cow! 623 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:06,359 - Moo! - ( chuckles ) 624 00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:09,079 - When is the walk again? - Three weeks from today. 625 00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:11,960 I really don't think I'm going to be able to make it. 626 00:26:12,039 --> 00:26:15,759 I'm so sorry. 627 00:26:15,839 --> 00:26:18,240 - You guys were an inspiration. - Thank you. 628 00:26:18,319 --> 00:26:20,599 - Can I get my coat back? - I don't know. 629 00:26:21,759 --> 00:26:23,279 ( applause ) 630 00:26:23,359 --> 00:26:26,039 Mommy, where's my pony? 631 00:26:26,119 --> 00:26:28,319 Bad news, honey. 632 00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:30,720 ( audience cheers ) 633 00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:38,480 It got-- it got cut in the latest round 634 00:26:38,559 --> 00:26:40,400 of debt ceiling talks. 635 00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:41,880 And... 636 00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:44,440 ( together ) Live from New York, 637 00:26:44,519 --> 00:26:47,759 it's Saturday Night! 638 00:26:47,839 --> 00:26:50,200 ( audience cheers )