1 00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:10,800 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:22,640 Kyle, we need to blow up the Veep's visit to the British pub. 3 00:00:22,719 --> 00:00:25,039 We are running some reverse "My Fair Lady"shit here. 4 00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:27,800 We're showing she's a regular gal. Mark, the memorial-- 5 00:00:27,879 --> 00:00:30,320 we need a ton of coverage. 6 00:00:30,399 --> 00:00:31,920 It's 100 years from World War I, 7 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:34,159 Selina's back in black, she's looking good, 8 00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:36,359 and it's "Good Mourning, America", mourning with a "u." 9 00:00:37,719 --> 00:00:39,200 ( grunts ) Sue... 10 00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:41,640 I need you to get Selina a meeting with Prince Charles-- 11 00:00:41,719 --> 00:00:43,880 that 65-year-old fuckin' intern. Okay? 12 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:46,359 If you want to get into the palace at short notice, 13 00:00:46,439 --> 00:00:48,479 you're going to have to storm it yourself. 14 00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:51,159 Sue, listen. This is me, campaign manager, 15 00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:54,240 telling you, schedule woman, to just make that happen. 16 00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:57,359 All right, someone get me the Prince of Wales' 17 00:00:57,439 --> 00:00:59,159 private secretary on the phone, stat. 18 00:00:59,479 --> 00:01:01,679 Tough call. Then again, you're a tough caller. 19 00:01:03,479 --> 00:01:04,959 ( Selina laughs ) Wonderful, wonderful. 20 00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:07,439 Hey, listen. I am thrilled to be here 21 00:01:07,519 --> 00:01:09,000 looking presidential, of course. 22 00:01:09,079 --> 00:01:10,560 But what about POTUS? Is there any more news from him? 23 00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:13,439 No, he definitely wanted to come. He had to stay and close the China deal. 24 00:01:13,519 --> 00:01:15,560 He had tickets for a West End musical. 25 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:17,920 Something with a duck or a ghost. I don't remember. 26 00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:19,799 Hey, is FLOTUS having an affair? 27 00:01:19,879 --> 00:01:21,879 - Not that I would blame her. - Have you seen her lately? 28 00:01:21,959 --> 00:01:24,039 - She's lost a lot of weight. - A lot, right? 29 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:28,158 - Her neck is like stretched cheese. - Yeah, it looks bad now. It's gone bad. 30 00:01:28,239 --> 00:01:30,879 Hello again, Mr. Ambassador. 31 00:01:30,959 --> 00:01:33,920 And you know Peter Mitchell, Deputy Prime Minister? 32 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:36,640 Yeah, we met in Hong Kong. Heroin and Chinese food. 33 00:01:36,719 --> 00:01:39,000 Noodles and needles. 34 00:01:39,079 --> 00:01:42,120 It was actually the solar energy summit in Stockholm. 35 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:43,920 That's the one, that's the one. Same vibe. 36 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:47,920 100 years since the Great War is so my area, Amy. 37 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:51,239 How does this sound? "In four years, 16 million perished. 38 00:01:51,319 --> 00:01:53,959 In the silent aftermath, towns grieved 39 00:01:54,039 --> 00:01:56,799 for their fallen young men." This is my masterpiece. 40 00:01:56,878 --> 00:01:59,319 I'm nailing pathos to the fricking wall here. 41 00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:02,799 Death, glory, folly, tragedy. It's got the four main mood groups. 42 00:02:02,879 --> 00:02:06,120 Have you set up the secret Transatlantic Security Organization meeting 43 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:07,959 - with the German chancellor? - At the cathedral. 44 00:02:08,038 --> 00:02:09,800 She can lie to the Brits and go straight to confession. 45 00:02:09,878 --> 00:02:13,199 The Brits are gonna be unhappier. 46 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:14,960 I need a stiff fuckin' drink. 47 00:02:15,039 --> 00:02:17,439 In related news, Ray's talking. 48 00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:19,079 Oh, God. To smart people? 49 00:02:19,159 --> 00:02:21,240 He's currently with a woman from the Bank of England. 50 00:02:21,319 --> 00:02:23,560 It's like watching a goat trying to use an ATM. 51 00:02:23,639 --> 00:02:26,439 ...because money is just a concept. 52 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:29,039 We believe in it because we're too scared not to. 53 00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:32,000 There's no intrinsic value to it. It's not like muscles in your arms. 54 00:02:32,079 --> 00:02:34,719 I think that's quite a superficial analysis. 55 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:38,400 You know what "intrinsic" means? I try to learn a word a day. 56 00:02:38,478 --> 00:02:41,079 I love words very ardently. 57 00:02:41,159 --> 00:02:44,478 Yeah. Sorry, who are you again? 58 00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:46,439 The Transatlantic Security Organization-- 59 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:48,439 that's going to Frankfurt and not here? 60 00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:51,800 - Because-- - Honestly, we haven't made a decision. 61 00:02:51,879 --> 00:02:54,120 Right. And I hope that "honestly" 62 00:02:54,199 --> 00:02:56,319 isn't one of those words that's lost its meaning 63 00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:58,000 whilst traveling the Atlantic. 64 00:02:58,079 --> 00:03:00,719 What about the censure vote in the House of Commons tomorrow? 65 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:02,199 How do you think that's gonna go? 66 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:05,360 On spying? It'll be defeated. 67 00:03:05,439 --> 00:03:07,159 But then you probably know that already. 68 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:09,080 ( chuckles ) 69 00:03:09,159 --> 00:03:10,879 I'm relieved to hear that. 70 00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:13,478 Because the U.S. doesn't spy on its allies. 71 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:15,560 - Now I'm relieved. - We collect data. 72 00:03:15,639 --> 00:03:17,319 - Same thing. - Oh, no. 73 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,639 Gary, what do you think? 74 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:25,159 Gary likes to keep his cards close to his chest. 75 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:27,319 - Yeah. - No, please, do share. 76 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,360 I'm just "collecting data." 77 00:03:29,439 --> 00:03:32,520 ( chuckles ) 78 00:03:32,599 --> 00:03:35,360 I think it's very nuanced. 79 00:03:35,439 --> 00:03:38,240 And I think there's a lot of different sides 80 00:03:38,319 --> 00:03:41,599 to a lot of different topics that are out there 81 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:44,360 - that I think we could spend-- - - Gary, I need that lipstick. 82 00:03:44,439 --> 00:03:46,280 - Thank you so much. - Mm-hmm. Yeah. 83 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,800 Madam out there hobnobbing, 84 00:03:48,879 --> 00:03:51,360 us here in the servants' quarters. It's like "Downton Abbey." 85 00:03:51,439 --> 00:03:53,599 ( British accent ) "McClintock, Lady Selina wishes to eat 86 00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:55,639 a Cornish pasty in the paddock this evening. 87 00:03:55,719 --> 00:03:58,560 - Post-haste, you bugger!" - I love that voice. 88 00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:00,360 It makes me feel inadequate and horny. The dream. 89 00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:04,800 Ray, I don't know if you've met the Deputy Prime Minister. 90 00:04:04,879 --> 00:04:07,360 - Ray Whelans, wellness consultant. - Wellness? 91 00:04:07,439 --> 00:04:10,400 Oh, like a fitness chap? 92 00:04:10,478 --> 00:04:12,080 I'm also a businessman and an author. 93 00:04:12,159 --> 00:04:14,639 An author? Would I know any of your titles? 94 00:04:14,719 --> 00:04:17,000 "60-Day Shred." 95 00:04:17,079 --> 00:04:19,399 "Get A Bod Like God," 96 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:21,560 "My Name Is Ray, You're Okay," 97 00:04:21,639 --> 00:04:23,439 "The Greater Glory In 20 Days"-- 98 00:04:23,519 --> 00:04:26,360 - Ray, I need Gary. - Okay. 99 00:04:26,439 --> 00:04:28,040 Yes, I've seen the numbers, Kent. 100 00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:29,680 I know that she's bleeding blue collars. 101 00:04:29,759 --> 00:04:32,879 So we're gonna make her look fucking folksy in a London pub. 102 00:04:32,959 --> 00:04:34,639 Wasn't it Oscar Wilde who said, 103 00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:37,079 "Dan's a fucking terrible campaign manager"? 104 00:04:37,159 --> 00:04:40,839 I would like to shoot him, but there are no guns in this country. 105 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:48,079 Steven, this is Jonah Ryan reporting to Team Maddox. 106 00:04:48,159 --> 00:04:50,879 I'm in London Town, and it's going to be 107 00:04:50,959 --> 00:04:52,920 a "right royal cockney barrel of turnips" 108 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:56,079 when I dish the dirt on Selina Meyer. 109 00:04:56,159 --> 00:04:57,759 Yes, sir, I'll stop using the accent. 110 00:04:57,839 --> 00:04:59,560 Hello, Jonah. 111 00:04:59,639 --> 00:05:02,360 Hello, sir. 112 00:05:02,439 --> 00:05:04,759 Just buying some tickets for Madame Tussauds. 113 00:05:04,839 --> 00:05:06,319 You're an imbecile. 114 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:12,000 Selina: What a charming little pub. 115 00:05:12,079 --> 00:05:15,480 I have to say, this is just the most delightful place. 116 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:18,000 I can imagine Harry Potter getting loaded in here. 117 00:05:18,079 --> 00:05:19,680 ( laughs ) 118 00:05:19,759 --> 00:05:23,319 Well, he's a small child, so, underage. 119 00:05:23,399 --> 00:05:25,079 Oh, right. Yes, of course. 120 00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:27,920 Although I think the actor is quite a grown man. 121 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:30,439 The actor, yes. But the original, the literary version, 122 00:05:30,519 --> 00:05:32,839 which, of course, is the fictional story of a child witch. 123 00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:35,680 So-- would very much still be considered a minor. 124 00:05:35,759 --> 00:05:38,079 Right. Actually, I think it's a wizard. 125 00:05:38,159 --> 00:05:40,680 - Yeah, right. - The same. 126 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:44,279 Amy, the "emu" has landed. 127 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:46,959 - Jonah's in London. - Amy: Oh, shit. 128 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:50,159 Maddox must have sent him here to spy or something. 129 00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:52,959 ( scoffs ) "Jonah Bond, double-o-fuck off." 130 00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:56,319 I'll see you at the press conference. I'm also here. 131 00:05:56,399 --> 00:05:58,240 Have you been here a long time? 132 00:05:58,319 --> 00:06:00,199 I've been running this gaff for 25 years. 133 00:06:00,279 --> 00:06:01,800 - I've lived around here me whole life. - I see. 134 00:06:01,879 --> 00:06:04,439 Born and bred West Ham fan. 135 00:06:04,519 --> 00:06:06,839 What kind of ham did you say? 136 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:09,839 West Ham United. They're my local team. 137 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:12,160 - Football. - Oh, of course, football. Right. 138 00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:14,439 We call that soccer, actually. 139 00:06:14,519 --> 00:06:16,279 - No, here, football. - Right. 140 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:19,279 We have football there, and I'm wondering what do you call 141 00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:21,360 what we call soccer? That's one thing I don't-- 142 00:06:21,439 --> 00:06:23,920 - Yeah. Football. - Right. Great. 143 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,920 - What are you having, ma'am? - Uh... huh. What am I having? 144 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:30,040 What would you recommend that I have at this lovely place? 145 00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:33,000 - How about a nice pinot noir? - That sounds divine. 146 00:06:33,079 --> 00:06:35,439 I'm joking. He won't. 147 00:06:35,519 --> 00:06:39,639 I think you look like a bitter person, maybe. 148 00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:42,439 Which is a type of beer. Don't worry. 149 00:06:42,519 --> 00:06:44,720 It's just a joke. Just playing. 150 00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:46,279 Bitter is a horrible beer. 151 00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:48,480 She's gonna drink it and she's gonna smile, Gary. 152 00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:50,439 - I've got some peppermints. - I've got digestive enzymes. 153 00:06:50,519 --> 00:06:52,839 Do you want me to just put that in my bag? 154 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:54,319 So would you like to do the honors, ma'am? 155 00:06:54,399 --> 00:06:57,759 - Pulling a pint? - Oh, yes, I'd love to do that. 156 00:06:57,839 --> 00:06:59,439 Well, stroll on down and I'll show you how. 157 00:06:59,519 --> 00:07:01,240 - Okay, gang, if you guys-- - All right, guys. 158 00:07:01,319 --> 00:07:03,720 The vice president is now going to "pull a pint." 159 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,879 - Come on down. - I just said that. 160 00:07:05,959 --> 00:07:08,800 Yep, yep. Ooh! 161 00:07:08,879 --> 00:07:11,800 - Okay. Well, cheers. - Cheers. Cheers. 162 00:07:13,959 --> 00:07:16,079 - That's lovely. - ( laughter ) 163 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:21,360 ( crowd murmurs ) 164 00:07:21,439 --> 00:07:23,360 Hey! Bottoms up, ma'am! 165 00:07:23,439 --> 00:07:25,079 Get it down you, Selina. 166 00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:26,879 Down in one, sweetheart. 167 00:07:26,959 --> 00:07:29,639 What? What did you say? "Daniwah!" Okay! 168 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:32,720 Reporters: "Daniwah!" 169 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:36,600 - Daniwah! - All: Daniwah! 170 00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:38,279 They're eating this up. I think we just landed a catchphrase. 171 00:07:39,279 --> 00:07:42,079 They're not saying "Daniwah." They're saying "down in one." 172 00:07:42,159 --> 00:07:43,959 Moron. 173 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:46,240 ( laughter ) Daniwah! 174 00:07:46,319 --> 00:07:49,199 - Daniwah! - Make her stop saying that. 175 00:07:49,279 --> 00:07:51,639 They're laughing at her like a toddler they taught to swear. 176 00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:53,360 Okay, ma'am. Are you feeling okay? 177 00:07:53,439 --> 00:07:55,480 - Uh, no. - Yeah, you a little gassy? 178 00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:58,680 Like the Hindenburg. Let's get out of here. 179 00:07:58,759 --> 00:08:00,680 Thank you guys very much for coming out. 180 00:08:00,759 --> 00:08:02,839 - Daniwah, guys. - All: "Daniwah!" 181 00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:04,959 - Daniwah! - ( laughter ) 182 00:08:07,319 --> 00:08:08,800 Amy: Okay, "Daniwah" is trending. 183 00:08:08,879 --> 00:08:11,439 It's number 2 under Kate Middleton's bony ass. 184 00:08:11,519 --> 00:08:13,720 I thought it was some sort of a Japanese thing he was saying. 185 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:15,279 Yeah, like "konnichiwa." 186 00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:18,079 Ma'am, I ordered a pot of hot tea for your room. 187 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:20,560 I'm not having anything else to drink for the next month. 188 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:26,399 Siri, how many horses died in the First World War? 189 00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:28,160 Why are you asking that? 190 00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:30,639 - For the speech. - No. I'm not talking about horses. 191 00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:34,039 Cancel search, Siri. 192 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:37,360 Gary: You're gonna look so stunning at the war service, ma'am. 193 00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:39,320 Those guys are gonna wish they weren't dead. 194 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:43,279 All right. Here's the cherry 195 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:47,080 on top of the most delicious sundae, I must say. 196 00:08:47,159 --> 00:08:50,960 ( laughs ) Look how beautiful that is. 197 00:08:51,039 --> 00:08:52,919 - Mm... - What? 198 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,679 What, do you think the bigger one? 199 00:08:54,759 --> 00:08:57,480 Don't you think the other hat is a little too "hatty"? 200 00:08:57,559 --> 00:08:59,559 - I don't know. What do you think? - Ray: I think it's London. 201 00:08:59,639 --> 00:09:01,279 Britain is the kingdom of the hats. 202 00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:03,039 I have never heard that phrase. 203 00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:05,440 - It's a well-known phrase. - Is it? 204 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:10,240 Yeah, I agree with you. I'm gonna go with the other one. 205 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:11,840 I'm gonna go with the other one. Yeah, why not? 206 00:09:11,919 --> 00:09:14,120 Maybe I can wear this with something else. 207 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:15,879 I don't know what else I brought. 208 00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:19,600 - Or nothing at all. - Ooh... what? 209 00:09:19,679 --> 00:09:21,120 I don't know what you mean. 210 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:22,919 - ( soft slap ) - Do you know what that means? 211 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,759 I don't think we have time for this, do we? 212 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:27,679 - What, horsing around? - Look at these branches. 213 00:09:27,759 --> 00:09:29,399 It is springtime in here. 214 00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:33,279 - Gary, close the door behind you. - Sure. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah... 215 00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:35,480 All right, guys, I need a plan here. 216 00:09:36,559 --> 00:09:38,240 I am "Dan With A Plan" Egan, 217 00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:39,720 so if I can't work, you can't work, and-- 218 00:09:39,799 --> 00:09:41,679 Call him back. We've got to go in there and talk to Selina. 219 00:09:41,759 --> 00:09:44,600 That's-- I was doing a little role-playing. 220 00:09:45,679 --> 00:09:48,120 Like the Charles Manson defense? 221 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:51,759 - Ah-- front of the "Standard." - Mike: Ooh. 222 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:53,600 You've even managed to get yourself in there. 223 00:09:53,679 --> 00:09:55,679 Nicely done, "Obi-Wah Kenobi." 224 00:09:55,759 --> 00:09:58,360 No one reads that rag. That's one paper. 225 00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:01,240 I can handle one paper, guys. And you know this about me. 226 00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:03,279 I can chop this thing in two like a disputed kitten. 227 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:05,600 Amy: Oh, pleasant. - Mike? 228 00:10:05,679 --> 00:10:09,200 I want to talk to you about this speech for the World War I service, okay? 229 00:10:09,279 --> 00:10:12,240 Very proud of it, ma'am. I gave this one 100% effort. 230 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,559 As I do everything I write for you. 231 00:10:14,639 --> 00:10:16,759 Okay, I'm not sure about this-- 232 00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:18,759 "To honor all who fell 233 00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:21,360 in frozen Flanders fields 234 00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,799 and hold their memory fresh." 235 00:10:23,879 --> 00:10:25,879 It's just a little bit too "effy" for me, 236 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:27,919 - you know? - That's kind of the idea, ma'am. 237 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,799 - I mean, it's poetic. - Dan: But we're trying to appeal 238 00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:32,559 to the blue-collar demographic. Not the poets. 239 00:10:32,639 --> 00:10:34,159 - I agree. - Ray agrees. 240 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:36,639 So... "16 million perished." 241 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,559 No, they didn't. They died, so just say that. 242 00:10:38,639 --> 00:10:41,279 "The loss, though impossible to adequately comprehend..." 243 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:43,480 That sentence is impossible to comprehend. 244 00:10:43,559 --> 00:10:46,240 Just say, "hard to understand," you know? Plain English. 245 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:47,919 I kind of agree. 246 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,159 I could "normalfy" this for you. 247 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:52,799 - No. No, no. - No, no, no. Just listen. 248 00:10:52,879 --> 00:10:54,960 He's got sort of a working-class touch, 249 00:10:55,039 --> 00:10:57,919 which is valuable, and we should listen to it. 250 00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:00,320 Ray: I printed a copy of the speech from the "G" folder. 251 00:11:00,399 --> 00:11:02,159 Why does he have access to the "G" folder? 252 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:04,159 I don't even have access to the "G" folder. 253 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:05,799 Yes, you do, Mike. We all do. 254 00:11:05,879 --> 00:11:07,279 It's the general file on the iCloud. 255 00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:09,440 Everything was much easier when it was just floppy discs. 256 00:11:09,519 --> 00:11:11,399 To paraphrase "My Fair Lady," 257 00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:13,519 we need to get to the fuckin' church on time. 258 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:16,320 One second. Mike, what's your favorite part of this speech? 259 00:11:16,399 --> 00:11:18,480 Okay. This is like Gettysburg. 260 00:11:18,559 --> 00:11:20,679 "Beneath the--" 261 00:11:21,879 --> 00:11:23,879 "Beneath the dark soil of Passchendaele, 262 00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:26,840 100,000 bodies still lie unaccounted for. 263 00:11:26,919 --> 00:11:29,159 Let today be their funeral service 264 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,159 and we their mourners." 265 00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:33,200 Ray: How about this? 266 00:11:33,279 --> 00:11:36,320 "There's a whole lotta guys who never came home. 267 00:11:36,399 --> 00:11:40,240 Good guys. Here's to those guys." 268 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:42,080 Holy fuckin' Christ. What is that, Ray? 269 00:11:42,159 --> 00:11:44,120 - I'm just spitballin'. - No, Ray, listen, listen. 270 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,600 I've gotta stick with Mike's words, you understand? 271 00:11:46,679 --> 00:11:48,080 - Ray: Totally. - Because it's appropriate. 272 00:11:48,159 --> 00:11:49,600 - Thank you, ma'am. - Ame? 273 00:11:49,679 --> 00:11:51,639 What's happening with the German chancellor? 274 00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:54,000 After the speech, you're gonna meet with him in the side chapel 275 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:55,519 and tell him that POTUS guarantees 276 00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:57,399 the TSO will be in Frankfurt, not London. 277 00:11:57,480 --> 00:11:59,879 I'm gonna make a phone call about that right now. 278 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,120 Okay. Where is Gary? 279 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:03,960 I'm right here. 280 00:12:04,039 --> 00:12:06,120 What? Were you there the whole time? 281 00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:08,120 Yeah, yeah. 282 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:10,120 ( cell phone chiming ) 283 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:11,919 Jonah Ryan, Maddox Team. 284 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,720 Woman: Is this "Ryantology" Jonah Ryan? 285 00:12:13,799 --> 00:12:15,200 Yeah, one and the same. 286 00:12:15,279 --> 00:12:16,759 ( British accent ) I'm a big fan of your website. 287 00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:18,480 Oh, thank you. Actually, I don't run it anymore. 288 00:12:18,559 --> 00:12:21,080 Oh, what a shame. I was going to give you a story 289 00:12:21,159 --> 00:12:23,440 about Ray Whelans, Selina Meyer's trainer? 290 00:12:23,519 --> 00:12:25,080 You know, I do still run it. 291 00:12:25,159 --> 00:12:27,279 I was looking at one of my feeds right now. 292 00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:30,519 Prepare to be astonished. - Ready for anything with that accent. 293 00:12:31,799 --> 00:12:34,000 I can't believe Ray tried to edit my speech. 294 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:36,639 I feel like Shakespeare when that monkey tried to make fun of him. 295 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:39,360 - What? - That might have been a cartoon. 296 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:40,879 Let's get on with the remembering thing, 297 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,159 and I'll finesse the speech in the car. 298 00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:46,720 Ame? I know Ray was a little off on the speech, 299 00:12:46,799 --> 00:12:48,559 but wait till you see the hat he chose. 300 00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:53,960 ( door closes ) 301 00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:56,960 Selina: "In four fateful years, 302 00:12:57,039 --> 00:13:01,320 16 million perished. 303 00:13:01,399 --> 00:13:05,960 This loss, though impossible to adequately comprehend..." 304 00:13:06,039 --> 00:13:10,120 This speech is so beautiful. So beautiful. 305 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:14,039 "Beneath the dark soil of Passchendaele..." 306 00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:17,240 Right after this, Selina has to go straight to meet the German chancellor. 307 00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:20,799 I'll hold off that long streak of deputy piss while she's in there. 308 00:13:20,879 --> 00:13:23,399 "...and we their mourners." 309 00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:27,240 Let's remember the guys who never came home. 310 00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:29,399 Here's to the good guys. 311 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:33,720 Boy, they were good guys, weren't they? 312 00:13:33,799 --> 00:13:35,480 They were. 313 00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:39,519 - You all right, mate? - Yeah, I'm fine. 314 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:41,000 Lost your car? 315 00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:44,000 No, no, no. I'm waiting on a guy. 316 00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:45,559 Oh, right. 317 00:13:45,639 --> 00:13:47,200 No. I-- 318 00:13:47,279 --> 00:13:49,399 I'm not waiting on a guy to have sex with. 319 00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:51,720 - I am waiting on a-- he's a reporter. - Is he? 320 00:13:51,799 --> 00:13:53,840 Look, you wouldn't get it. Your jacket is fluorescent. 321 00:13:53,919 --> 00:13:55,639 - Oh, I get it, sir. - Really? You do? 322 00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:58,279 ( cell phone chimes ) 323 00:13:58,360 --> 00:13:59,799 Jonah Ryan, Maddox Team. 324 00:13:59,879 --> 00:14:03,279 - This is Rob from the "Daily Mirror." - Hey, where are you? 325 00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:05,320 Why do you want to meet in a fucking car park? 326 00:14:05,399 --> 00:14:07,879 I don't know, I just thought "Watergate, Deep Throat." 327 00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:09,919 - ( whistles ) - You son of a-- 328 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,039 Rob: Look, let's just meet in a pub. 329 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:13,759 How about a coffee? 330 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:18,600 Eight pounds for two coffees? Thank you, America. 331 00:14:18,679 --> 00:14:20,919 I could get four pints of Ruddles for that. 332 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:23,159 Okay, check this out. 333 00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:26,240 The vice president is fucking her personal trainer. 334 00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:28,919 Ooh. 335 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:32,440 Not really interested. Is that all you have? 336 00:14:32,519 --> 00:14:34,840 I've got a super hot British source with a super sexy voice. 337 00:14:34,919 --> 00:14:36,799 She sounds like Mary Poppins on all fours. 338 00:14:36,879 --> 00:14:39,279 You do realize Mary Poppins would be over 100 by now? 339 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:41,720 And I'd love to sweep her chimney. ( British accent ) You know what I mean? 340 00:14:41,799 --> 00:14:43,919 No. Shall we just go to the pub? 341 00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:45,519 There's one over there, they'll do a shit coffee. 342 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,039 No, no, no, see, here's the thing. 343 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,480 This guy Ray, he had a blog a couple of years ago, right? 344 00:14:49,559 --> 00:14:51,720 But it got deleted. So I did some research-- 345 00:14:51,799 --> 00:14:53,879 - So you Googled it. - No, I didn't just Google it. 346 00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,279 I found this thing called the "Internet Archive"-- 347 00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:59,120 - So you Googled it. - I Googled "Internet Archive," yes, 348 00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:01,320 and I found it there. On the Internet Archive. 349 00:15:01,399 --> 00:15:04,399 I found screen grabs of his old blog, right? 350 00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:06,240 What Ray said was, and I quote, 351 00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:07,919 "Obesity is a punishment 352 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:09,879 for sins committed in a previous life. 353 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:11,799 Fat people have to learn self-discipline 354 00:15:11,879 --> 00:15:15,039 until they are rid of the demon that lives within them." 355 00:15:16,279 --> 00:15:18,720 - Oh, hello. - What do you have to say about that? 356 00:15:18,799 --> 00:15:20,240 "Daniwah!" 357 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:23,120 - Excuse me one second. Ben. - Peter. 358 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:25,720 - Great service. - Yes, it was very moving. 359 00:15:25,799 --> 00:15:27,919 I thought the vice president's speech 360 00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:29,919 was quite excellent. 361 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,639 You don't happen to know her whereabouts, do you? 362 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:34,960 She's on the phone. State Department. 363 00:15:35,039 --> 00:15:36,600 Right. 364 00:15:36,679 --> 00:15:39,399 I saw the German chancellor 365 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,559 just now heading toward the Lady Chapel. 366 00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:48,080 Yeah. He was going in there to pray privately. 367 00:15:48,159 --> 00:15:50,159 I overheard him speaking to one of his aides. 368 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:53,960 Oh, you overheard. You speak German? 369 00:15:54,039 --> 00:15:58,159 Yes-- ja, as they say in Germany. 370 00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,279 My German's a little bit rusty, I must admit. 371 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,279 Oh, God. So is mine. 372 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:06,960 ( speaking German ) Ich muss wieder zur schule gehen. 373 00:16:07,039 --> 00:16:10,559 ( chuckles ) Absolutely. 374 00:16:10,639 --> 00:16:13,279 Good times. 375 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:15,480 - At school? - What? 376 00:16:15,559 --> 00:16:17,200 I said, "I should go back to school." 377 00:16:17,279 --> 00:16:20,159 Yes. Well, the thing about German 378 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:22,000 is once it's with you, it stays with you. 379 00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:25,320 It's like riding ein bike. 380 00:16:25,399 --> 00:16:28,759 Is the vice president in the Lady Chapel with the German chancellor? 381 00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:31,360 No, I told you before, she's on the phone. 382 00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:33,720 Mm-hmm. Okay. 383 00:16:33,799 --> 00:16:36,320 Okay, because is that not quite clearly her hat? 384 00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:41,879 Mike: Mm. No, I don't think it is. 385 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:44,399 - No, that's not her hat. - I think it is her hat. 386 00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:48,240 It's definitely her hat. I'll tell you how I know. 387 00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:52,279 When I first saw it, I remember thinking, "What a hideous hat." 388 00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:54,279 It is like she stuck her head in a swan 389 00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:55,919 and it's exploded. 390 00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:59,919 Tsk. I don't believe it is, sir. 391 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:01,679 Well, du lugst. 392 00:17:01,759 --> 00:17:03,600 ( chuckles ) Hilarious. 393 00:17:03,679 --> 00:17:05,799 - Mm. It means "you're lying." - I know. 394 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,839 Okay. Okay, so we're all perfectly comfortable 395 00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:13,319 standing here pretending that we can't quite clearly see 396 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:15,400 the vice president in the Lady Chapel 397 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:16,880 with the German chancellor 398 00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:19,200 finalizing a deal about the TSO? 399 00:17:22,319 --> 00:17:25,118 I wouldn't say "comfortable." 400 00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:28,440 - Mike: Maybe that's her hat? - See you at the press conference. 401 00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:31,680 Okay, so unelected loony 402 00:17:31,759 --> 00:17:34,319 has the ear and minge of the vice president. 403 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:37,200 He says that fat people-- no, fat kids-- 404 00:17:37,279 --> 00:17:39,160 have "sinned" in a past life. 405 00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:41,720 You know how upsetting that's gonna be to fat people? 406 00:17:41,799 --> 00:17:43,680 All of America is fat people. 407 00:17:43,759 --> 00:17:47,200 That's all we have. All of our children weigh 300 fucking pounds. 408 00:17:47,279 --> 00:17:48,880 We've got fat kids too. I've got a fat kid. 409 00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:50,799 Well, I can see her-- I mean, that's, uh... 410 00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:53,839 she's, um-- right. We'll ambush the vice president. 411 00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:56,680 We'll get photos of her surrounded by fat kids dressed as devils. 412 00:17:56,759 --> 00:17:58,160 - Seriously? - Yeah. 413 00:17:58,240 --> 00:17:59,799 Oh, my God. You guys are fucking brutal. 414 00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:03,000 This calls for a celebration. I'll give you the first pint, at least. 415 00:18:08,039 --> 00:18:09,519 Peter: ...and, of course, those volunteers 416 00:18:09,599 --> 00:18:11,880 who tend the war cemetery graves. 417 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,920 Let's take some questions. 418 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:15,680 Nick Hadley, "Daily Express." 419 00:18:15,759 --> 00:18:17,720 - Okay. - Madam Vice President, 420 00:18:17,799 --> 00:18:20,039 can you comment on the breaking story 421 00:18:20,119 --> 00:18:23,680 about your personal trainer, Ray Whelans? 422 00:18:23,759 --> 00:18:25,559 - Selina: Uh... - Hadley: Or would you like to comment? 423 00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:28,119 ( Selina stammers ) Well, I-I don't know 424 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,400 what story it is you're referring to. I'm so sorry-- 425 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:32,359 Hadley: He wrote an essay saying, 426 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:35,319 "Obese children are possessed by the devil 427 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:38,559 as a punishment for past sins." 428 00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:41,400 - Selina: Uh, wow. Goodness. I-- - Way to go, Dan. 429 00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:43,519 - Way to go, Ray. - Yeah, just throw the blame around. 430 00:18:43,599 --> 00:18:45,000 Not at me, though. It's not my fault. 431 00:18:45,079 --> 00:18:46,799 ...your source? I don't know anything about it. 432 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:49,960 - Hadley: The essay's online, here. - Is it? Okay. 433 00:18:50,039 --> 00:18:51,759 That is a thoroughly bizarre story. 434 00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:53,599 Ray: It's called "cosmic balance." 435 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:55,440 Not anything the Buddha didn't talk about. 436 00:18:55,519 --> 00:18:57,440 Well, Buddha's got a big fat ass, Ray. 437 00:18:57,519 --> 00:18:59,559 I believe in karma. 438 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:01,440 - Does that make me weird? - Men: Yes! 439 00:19:01,519 --> 00:19:03,400 Hadley: It just has quotes leaping out. Here's one. 440 00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:06,559 "Body fat stores all that is bad in us. 441 00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:08,839 Too much, and the host is enveloped in sin." 442 00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:10,880 ( softly ) Wow. 443 00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,039 Guys, I wrote a treatise a couple of years ago. 444 00:19:13,759 --> 00:19:16,480 - I write a lot of "treatii." - "Treatises," Ray. The normal plural. 445 00:19:16,559 --> 00:19:19,680 - Hello? - I just wanted to thank for the lead, 446 00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:21,680 - "me olde Pearly Queen." - My pleasure. 447 00:19:21,759 --> 00:19:25,079 Another...? Two more. Two pints, please. 448 00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:27,400 I was wondering if you were available this evening 449 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,519 by chance you would like to join me for some dinner. 450 00:19:29,599 --> 00:19:31,119 I've found a very charming gastropub. 451 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:33,519 ( British accent ) Uh, that sounds lovely. Brilliant. 452 00:19:33,599 --> 00:19:35,599 Text the details to my cell-- mobile. 453 00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:38,400 So this idea that "fat is fate," 454 00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:40,160 that's nonsense, is it? 455 00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:43,200 I am certain that the Deputy Prime Minister 456 00:19:43,279 --> 00:19:45,200 would like to move on now 457 00:19:45,279 --> 00:19:47,799 to the matters at hand. 458 00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:50,039 Oh, I... I think we're in it now. 459 00:19:50,119 --> 00:19:52,200 We probably should see this through to the end. 460 00:19:52,279 --> 00:19:54,759 Ben: What's going on? Well, where is she? 461 00:19:54,839 --> 00:19:57,279 Yeah, I got this. I got this. I can-- 462 00:19:57,359 --> 00:20:00,039 ( snaps fingers ) Here's what we're gonna do. 463 00:20:00,119 --> 00:20:01,880 We are gonna go big on Prince Charles. 464 00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:04,200 No, no, scratch that. We're gonna cancel Charles. 465 00:20:04,279 --> 00:20:05,799 - What? - We're canceling Charles, okay? 466 00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:07,440 Do you hate fat people? 467 00:20:07,519 --> 00:20:09,640 You know what, let me just put this to rest, okay? 468 00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:14,079 I have always been a friend of the fa-- full-figured folks. 469 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,200 Okay, my pretend friends. 470 00:20:16,279 --> 00:20:18,920 I gotta go back to DC. Something very big has happened 471 00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:20,759 - and I've gotta be there. - Amy: What is it? 472 00:20:20,839 --> 00:20:22,319 - Daniwah! - Ray: Daniwah. 473 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:24,000 Amy: What's that? 474 00:20:24,079 --> 00:20:25,839 ( Dan groans ) 475 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:28,400 - Ray: Easy, buddy. - Amy: Hey, hey, hey! 476 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:31,559 Get your hands off me! I don't want to catch your fucking idiocy. 477 00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:34,359 - I can-- - Amy: Whoa, whoa! 478 00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:36,039 Gary: He's having a heart attack. 479 00:20:36,119 --> 00:20:37,559 Amy: No, I think he's having a breakdown. 480 00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:39,720 I think this is indigestion or something. 481 00:20:39,799 --> 00:20:42,400 I don't think I should have eaten that Scotch egg. 482 00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:45,519 With the sausage wrapped around it? Never mind. Not important. 483 00:20:45,599 --> 00:20:47,440 Ray, I need to speak with you privately. 484 00:20:47,519 --> 00:20:49,519 Mike, you're in charge. 485 00:20:51,319 --> 00:20:54,559 - Yes, sir. - Oh, my God, Mike. 486 00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:56,319 Oh, my God. 487 00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:58,920 I got-- I got this, I got this. 488 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:04,000 Siri, Ray Whelans' treatii-- treatises. 489 00:21:04,079 --> 00:21:06,640 People are disturbed by your role. 490 00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:09,240 Yeah, they think folks who are physical can't be cerebral. 491 00:21:09,319 --> 00:21:13,720 They think those things are separate, that they're not symbiotic. 492 00:21:13,799 --> 00:21:16,559 - No, no, you don't understand. - Oh, I do, I do. Look... 493 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:19,960 People think, "He's a fitness guy, how can he know about politics?" 494 00:21:20,039 --> 00:21:22,119 I get you, Kent. ( sighs ) 495 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,759 Again, I don't think you do. 496 00:21:24,839 --> 00:21:27,759 People think Selina's judgment is bad 497 00:21:27,839 --> 00:21:30,599 if she listens to people like you 498 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:34,359 - whose beliefs are very... stupid. - Exactly-- people. 499 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:37,880 - You're not getting it. - ( whispering ) The brain is a muscle. 500 00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:39,359 No, it isn't. 501 00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:41,640 And I have sympathy. I do have... 502 00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:45,599 deep sympathy for those who struggle with their weight. 503 00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:48,640 And I will go on to say that even I, as a young teenager, 504 00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:51,400 had a bit of a struggle with my weight 505 00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:55,200 as I'm sure almost everyone here in this room 506 00:21:55,279 --> 00:21:58,160 has had at one moment or another in their life. 507 00:21:59,359 --> 00:22:01,680 ( Dan grunting ) 508 00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:06,119 I can't feel my hands. Do you feel my hands? 509 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,839 Yeah, I can feel them, but that's not how it works. 510 00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:10,920 I'm Googling your symptoms. What are your symptoms? 511 00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,319 - Massive pain. - Where? In your chest? 512 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:15,279 Yeah, like right where my hand is clutching. 513 00:22:15,359 --> 00:22:17,039 The pain is right around there. 514 00:22:17,119 --> 00:22:20,079 - I'm trying to help. - Under my heart? Right in the middle-- 515 00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:21,880 Do you taste copper? 516 00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:24,319 I think you're having a panic attack. 517 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:26,640 No, no, no. I don't panic. I'm the fucking iceman. 518 00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:29,240 That's why I'm the campaign manager. 519 00:22:29,319 --> 00:22:31,640 - Call Sue. - What's the code before the number? 520 00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:34,880 - 0-0-1. U.S. - I need to memorize the number 521 00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:38,119 before I put the codes in. Hey, Sue? Sorry. Hey, listen-- 522 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,039 - ( clattering ) - Oh, shit. 523 00:22:40,119 --> 00:22:41,799 How much exactly did you weigh? 524 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:44,279 Uh... okay. Well, at my very biggest, I would say 525 00:22:44,359 --> 00:22:47,759 I was probably roughly around 151 526 00:22:47,839 --> 00:22:49,920 or 152 pounds. I don't know 527 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:53,160 what that translates to in terms of "stones." 528 00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:54,839 - Woman: That's a lot. - Hadley: Yeah, heavy. 529 00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:56,359 That's a lot? Okay. 530 00:22:56,440 --> 00:22:58,039 This is like the Queen's china. 531 00:22:58,119 --> 00:23:00,200 They're never gonna let us back into England again. 532 00:23:00,279 --> 00:23:02,480 We need to research everything Ray Whelans ever wrote-- 533 00:23:02,559 --> 00:23:04,200 - It doesn't matter. - It does matter! 534 00:23:04,279 --> 00:23:06,200 - This is the fuckin' Queen's china! - Shh! 535 00:23:06,279 --> 00:23:09,680 It's been something that's-- you know, it's a part-- it's my history 536 00:23:09,759 --> 00:23:12,079 and it's-- I can't say that I was proud to be... 537 00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:15,039 as enormous as I was, but there you have it. 538 00:23:15,119 --> 00:23:17,359 - What are you looking for? - A napkin, to at least cover it. 539 00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:22,039 - Oh, my God. - Put it behind the curtain. 540 00:23:22,119 --> 00:23:23,519 ( clatters ) 541 00:23:23,599 --> 00:23:25,559 Go. 542 00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:28,160 You really don't get it, 543 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:31,000 so I'm going to keep this very simple. You're fired. 544 00:23:32,799 --> 00:23:35,279 I get you. Very simple. 545 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:38,000 - Yes, it is. - Great. 546 00:23:38,079 --> 00:23:39,720 I'm so pleased we had this talk. 547 00:23:39,799 --> 00:23:41,559 Let's see where we all are in a month or so. 548 00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:44,400 This is amazing. 549 00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:46,359 Thank you. 550 00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:48,359 - Hurry up, Gary. - Shit. 551 00:23:50,359 --> 00:23:51,799 ( sighs ) Oh, my God. 552 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:56,359 What a fuckin' misery marathon that was. 553 00:23:58,559 --> 00:24:00,799 - Where is everybody? - Dan had a nervous collapse. 554 00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:02,319 Amy's taking him to the hospital. 555 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:04,759 Ben went back to DC. Kent's firing Ray. 556 00:24:04,839 --> 00:24:06,079 And I'm in charge. 557 00:24:07,839 --> 00:24:10,079 - Fuck! - I know, right? 558 00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:12,200 I should just go back out there. 559 00:24:12,279 --> 00:24:14,559 - Did you see that? - Yep, I saw. 560 00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:17,599 Why? Why am I in London 561 00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:20,079 talking about my enormous 562 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,279 jiggly-ass ass? 563 00:24:22,359 --> 00:24:24,759 Ma'am, but people love people who were like, fat 564 00:24:24,839 --> 00:24:27,160 - and they're no longer fat. - No, they don't. 565 00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:28,880 Fat people don't even vote. 566 00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:31,960 They can't even be bothered to get out of the house, you know? 567 00:24:32,039 --> 00:24:34,160 There's no food in the voting booth. 568 00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:36,880 Ma'am, the House of Commons voted to censure 569 00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:38,759 U.S. data monitoring activities. 570 00:24:38,839 --> 00:24:41,960 - Huh? - And there's five fat kids outside 571 00:24:42,039 --> 00:24:43,319 dressed as Satan. 572 00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:50,039 Already? You know what we're gonna do? 573 00:24:50,119 --> 00:24:51,880 We're gonna cancel on Prince Charles. 574 00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:54,480 Gary, we're gonna have to get out of here the back way or something. 575 00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:58,400 - Gary...? - Yep, yep. 576 00:25:04,119 --> 00:25:06,359 Selina: God, I hate this stupid country so much. 577 00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:08,240 Nothing makes sense here, you know? 578 00:25:08,319 --> 00:25:10,720 You ask what temperature it is, you get some tiny little number. 579 00:25:10,799 --> 00:25:12,799 I don't know what-- 580 00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:15,880 What is that supposed to mean? Even the plugs here 581 00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:18,480 are bigger than the things that they power. 582 00:25:18,559 --> 00:25:21,480 Okay, I've got to say something, so do not interrupt me. 583 00:25:21,559 --> 00:25:23,480 I will interrupt you whenever I want to interrupt you. 584 00:25:23,559 --> 00:25:26,160 - Okay, okay, but this is-- - Like right now. 585 00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:27,720 - I wanted to interrupt you right now. - Ray is poison. 586 00:25:27,799 --> 00:25:30,240 He's a sickness, and you've got him bad, 587 00:25:30,319 --> 00:25:31,799 and you've got to get rid of him. 588 00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:35,480 Do you actually think that I don't know that? 589 00:25:35,559 --> 00:25:38,559 I just got "Brit-fucked" by that balloon animal. 590 00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:41,559 Ray's gone. Trust me. 591 00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:44,799 That is such a huge relief. 592 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:46,759 He was getting into everything, you know? 593 00:25:46,839 --> 00:25:51,359 - Yeah, I know, I know. - Dan only hired him as a sex slave. 594 00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:54,240 ( gasps ) 595 00:25:54,319 --> 00:25:57,160 - What? - Uh... 596 00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:02,519 Dan, he hired Ray as a-- 597 00:26:02,599 --> 00:26:06,240 as a sex slave, did you not know? 598 00:26:06,319 --> 00:26:09,240 He... he pimped me out? 599 00:26:09,319 --> 00:26:12,160 Yeah, yeah. 600 00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:20,599 Who knows about this? 601 00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:22,559 Uh, me, Amy and Mike. 602 00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:24,960 - Okay. - And Ben, Kent and Sue. Everybody. 603 00:26:25,039 --> 00:26:26,559 Everybody pretty much knows, ma'am. 604 00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:29,759 Give me my phone. Just give it to me. 605 00:26:29,839 --> 00:26:32,839 Yeah. Dan is so fired. 606 00:26:36,759 --> 00:26:40,119 Amy, you're like an actual friend. I mean, throughout all this-- 607 00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:41,920 you know, me being made campaign manager over you-- 608 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:43,759 You could have been a real bitch, and you've been great. 609 00:26:43,839 --> 00:26:45,880 Well, I guess I'm a team player. 610 00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:49,319 Knock, knock. Hey, buddy, how you doin'? 611 00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:52,559 Am I hallucinating? Can I please get some better drugs? 612 00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:54,119 How are you feeling? You doing okay? 613 00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:56,559 What the fuck are you doing here, Jonah? 614 00:26:56,640 --> 00:26:58,759 What, are you molesting coma patients? 615 00:26:58,839 --> 00:27:00,440 Is that a thing? I might, now. 616 00:27:00,519 --> 00:27:02,119 Maybe I'll just put them in some funny hats. 617 00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:04,880 No, I'm just here because I wanted to... 618 00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:07,799 tell you how sorry I am that you had a massive nervous breakdown. 619 00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:10,200 - Huh, yeah. - I also just wanted to tell you... 620 00:27:10,279 --> 00:27:12,640 that I'm the one that broke you, 621 00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:15,799 because I broke that personal trainer story. 622 00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:19,440 - That was me. - What are you talking about? 623 00:27:19,519 --> 00:27:21,720 Oh, I got a tip from some super hot British chick. 624 00:27:21,799 --> 00:27:23,680 I'm actually going to see her right now. 625 00:27:23,759 --> 00:27:26,119 - So those flowers aren't for Dan? - Oh, fuck, no. 626 00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:28,240 No, those are for my "filthy Mary Poppins" 627 00:27:28,319 --> 00:27:30,279 and I'm gonna give her a "spoonful of sugar." 628 00:27:30,359 --> 00:27:33,920 Oh, how delightful. I have to go, so get well, and-- 629 00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:37,000 ah-- on the other hand, 630 00:27:37,079 --> 00:27:39,559 Selina just fired you as campaign manager, 631 00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:42,720 so take as long as you need. Take longer. 632 00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:48,599 Sue, forgive me. This is a terrible thing to ask, 633 00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:52,240 but I'm afraid that we're going to have to cancel Prince Charles. 634 00:27:52,319 --> 00:27:55,039 Do you realize how difficult and demeaning it was 635 00:27:55,119 --> 00:27:56,720 for me to set up that meeting? 636 00:27:56,799 --> 00:28:00,319 - And it was a triumph, Sue. - You put me in a hideous situation. 637 00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:02,519 Remotely, I might add. So from now on, 638 00:28:02,599 --> 00:28:04,160 remotely is how we will interact. 639 00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:07,000 Kent: Uh, Sue, there's no need to take that tone. 640 00:28:07,079 --> 00:28:11,079 I'm used to a better class of tone, so just-- 641 00:28:15,839 --> 00:28:18,720 - She had to take another call. - Amy: Of course. Okay. 642 00:28:18,799 --> 00:28:21,920 - I have to take this outside. - Yep. 643 00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:26,079 Wha...? 644 00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:28,119 My flight doesn't leave until tomorrow night, 645 00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:30,319 so I figured it makes sense for me to be on Air Force Two. 646 00:28:31,839 --> 00:28:33,839 Uh, in what world would that make sense? 647 00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:37,759 You need to get on your running machine, and run away. 648 00:28:37,839 --> 00:28:39,720 ( chuckles ) Running machines don't go anywhere. 649 00:28:41,039 --> 00:28:43,680 I understand. I get it. 650 00:28:43,759 --> 00:28:46,200 Ma'am... 651 00:28:46,279 --> 00:28:47,880 I'm afraid I have some bad news. 652 00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:50,680 Oh, my God. Seriously? 653 00:28:50,759 --> 00:28:52,920 Okay, let's just... 654 00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:55,000 add it to the fucking heap. 655 00:28:55,079 --> 00:28:57,279 The First Lady has attempted to take her own life. 656 00:28:59,359 --> 00:29:03,039 ( Selina gasps ) Oh... what?! 657 00:29:03,119 --> 00:29:05,599 - How? - Overdose of sleeping pills and vodka. 658 00:29:05,680 --> 00:29:07,440 That's why POTUS sent for Ben. 659 00:29:07,519 --> 00:29:09,519 It was touch and go there for a while. 660 00:29:09,599 --> 00:29:10,920 Oh... 661 00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:15,440 Really makes you put your own problems into perspective. 662 00:29:15,519 --> 00:29:18,960 - Doesn't it? Seriously? - Kent: It does. 663 00:29:19,039 --> 00:29:20,880 Although your problems are still pretty bad. 664 00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:23,480 Yeah, they are. 665 00:29:23,559 --> 00:29:25,079 Ray: I couldn't help but overhear, 666 00:29:25,160 --> 00:29:27,519 but I always thought that lady was a little damaged. 667 00:29:27,599 --> 00:29:30,960 Jesus fucking Christ. You're fired. 668 00:29:31,039 --> 00:29:33,079 Okay? Get out. 669 00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:36,079 - Kent: Unbelievable. - Selina: Isn't it? 670 00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:37,960 All right, so I think this is the last of it. 671 00:29:38,039 --> 00:29:39,640 Okay. 672 00:29:39,720 --> 00:29:41,240 Oh, wait. What are we gonna do about Dan? 673 00:29:41,319 --> 00:29:43,119 I don't care. He missed the last chopper out. 674 00:29:43,200 --> 00:29:45,480 And, Ame? 675 00:29:45,559 --> 00:29:47,160 You are now officially 676 00:29:47,240 --> 00:29:49,480 the new campaign manager. 677 00:29:49,559 --> 00:29:52,480 - Yes, ma'am. Thank you. - Okay. 678 00:29:52,559 --> 00:29:54,400 - So then I'm not in charge anymore? - Correct. 679 00:29:54,480 --> 00:29:58,160 Good, 'cause I could use a nap. 680 00:29:58,240 --> 00:30:00,759 Okay, let's get the merrie olde fuck out of merrie olde England. 681 00:30:00,839 --> 00:30:03,960 I need to be driven to the airport at "Diana speed," okay? 682 00:30:04,039 --> 00:30:06,319 Just more carefully, though, please. 683 00:30:14,039 --> 00:30:15,559 Ow. 684 00:30:22,440 --> 00:30:24,480 Okay, let's check out your chart. 685 00:30:24,559 --> 00:30:27,200 Let's see how you're doing here. Okay. 686 00:30:27,279 --> 00:30:30,920 All right. "Dan Egan, 67, female." 687 00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:33,079 Unemployed campaign manager. 688 00:30:33,160 --> 00:30:35,960 "30 different types of semen pumped from stomach, 689 00:30:36,039 --> 00:30:38,920 inverted nipples, abnormally high douche readings. 690 00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:41,039 That makes sense. Cancer of the soul, 691 00:30:41,119 --> 00:30:44,680 traces of dog excrement found around the corners of the mouth, 692 00:30:44,759 --> 00:30:46,799 chronic cretinism, leprosy, 693 00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:51,319 anal bleeding... Tiny child balls"?