1 00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:09,080 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:20,280 --> 00:00:22,239 Amy: Okay, Thornhill knows how to throw a ball. 3 00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:24,000 Pierce may be a sitting fuck, but... 4 00:00:24,079 --> 00:00:26,559 the main targets here are Maddox and Chung. 5 00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:28,359 Well, hit Chung with inexperience 6 00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:29,839 and Maddox with resignation-- 7 00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:31,359 actual and general air of. 8 00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:33,399 Yeah, I want their heads on my wall. 9 00:00:33,479 --> 00:00:36,119 - Actual heads. - God, I love this kind of talk. 10 00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:39,679 Gets me aroused. Sorry, I meant roused. 11 00:00:39,759 --> 00:00:42,359 No, did I-- I meant aroused. Aroused. 12 00:00:42,439 --> 00:00:44,000 - Hi, Catherine. - Hi. 13 00:00:44,079 --> 00:00:45,799 - Americano, dash of cow. - Thanks. 14 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,159 Whoa, who the fuck is smiley-faced coffee boy? 15 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:50,159 That's Jackson. I hired him to sharpen up Selina's answers. 16 00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:52,960 - He's a writer. - Yeah, speeches, one-liners. 17 00:00:53,039 --> 00:00:54,600 Just me and my iPad, 18 00:00:54,679 --> 00:00:56,960 which I like to call the "Zinger Sewing Machine." 19 00:00:57,039 --> 00:00:59,960 Oh. So you threw away Dan and you kept the voodoo doll, huh? 20 00:01:00,039 --> 00:01:02,679 No, it's terrible that the First Lady tried to kill herself, 21 00:01:02,759 --> 00:01:04,879 but our carrying on is what she would have wanted-- 22 00:01:04,959 --> 00:01:07,200 - does want. - Amy: Okay, let's rehearse the debate. 23 00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:09,359 Congressman Furlong, can you be Joe Thornhill? 24 00:01:09,439 --> 00:01:11,079 Let's see. "I don't know anything about NAFTA, 25 00:01:11,159 --> 00:01:12,840 but I do know about baseball. 26 00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:14,400 Baseball, baseball, baseball. 27 00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:16,280 Look at my muscly chest. Vote for me." 28 00:01:16,359 --> 00:01:19,200 - Ben, you are Owen Pierce. - "Well, I'm a baby-faced, 29 00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:21,879 know-nothing congressman from 'Shit Stain,' Nevada, 30 00:01:21,959 --> 00:01:24,319 who's got the newly dropped balls enough 31 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:26,840 to think that... I can run for president." 32 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,039 Kent, you are former Sec Def Maddox. 33 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:30,560 Don't do the voice, though. 34 00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:32,719 I've only ever used this voice, 35 00:01:32,799 --> 00:01:34,680 - even as a young child. - Okay. 36 00:01:34,759 --> 00:01:36,439 Sec Def Maddox, where do you stand on crime? 37 00:01:36,519 --> 00:01:38,840 Well, right now I'm coming across pretty hard-lined, 38 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:42,878 so I'll go soft to outflank Mr. Chung. 39 00:01:42,959 --> 00:01:45,598 Oh, well, I'm the hip-hop governor of Minnesota 40 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:47,200 and I'm coming off as too soft, 41 00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:49,640 so I'll try to out-hard Sec Def Maddox. 42 00:01:49,719 --> 00:01:52,680 They've got more flip-flops than the cast of "Baywatch." 43 00:01:52,759 --> 00:01:56,239 - What? Oh, my God. - I don't know about "Baywatch." 44 00:01:56,319 --> 00:01:58,400 There's probably a more up-to-date reference we could-- 45 00:01:58,479 --> 00:02:00,959 You should only talk if someone pulls your string, okay? 46 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:02,840 And even then, you just say, "Tickle me." 47 00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:06,640 I like his jokes. They're jokes, right? 48 00:02:06,719 --> 00:02:08,120 - Yeah. - Yeah? 49 00:02:08,199 --> 00:02:10,719 Okay, everyone, a drumroll. ( grunting ) 50 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:12,199 That's not really a drumroll. 51 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:14,439 - She's coming. She's coming. - Selina: Ready? 52 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:16,079 I think Gary's about to come. 53 00:02:16,159 --> 00:02:17,960 - She's coming. - Selina: Don't. It's too much buildup. 54 00:02:18,039 --> 00:02:20,079 It's too much buildup. 55 00:02:20,159 --> 00:02:22,400 - ( gasping ) - Rebranded. 56 00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:26,439 What do we think? I love it. ( chuckles ) 57 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:29,159 Love it-- love it. Looks great. 58 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:30,639 I never knew you had so much neck. 59 00:02:30,719 --> 00:02:32,639 - I know! - I mean that in a good way. 60 00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:34,319 - Right. - I think necks are neat. 61 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:36,079 I'm going to go show everybody myself. 62 00:02:36,159 --> 00:02:37,918 - Okay. - Okay, let's go do it. 63 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:40,159 That's what you'll look like when you become a boy. 64 00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:42,280 Ma'am, this is the haircut that your head has always wanted, 65 00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:44,319 - but was too afraid to ask for. - Right. 66 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:46,759 - Everything about it says... tomorrow. - Yeah. 67 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:48,759 Hello. Oh, no, don't be shy. 68 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:51,478 If you feel like you must applaud, then, you know. 69 00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:53,719 Oh... 70 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:56,360 No, it's fine. Don't, don't. 71 00:02:56,439 --> 00:02:58,159 Look at that, Mom. 72 00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:00,560 People are gonna start to think we're sisters now or-- or siblings. 73 00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:02,759 Well, that's not the haircut. We always get that. 74 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:04,240 - Hi. - Ma'am. 75 00:03:04,319 --> 00:03:05,919 Can you sign this to the max, please? 76 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:07,319 Yes. 77 00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:12,879 - Getting nothing here. - Thank you. 78 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,400 "Short hair for the long haul." 79 00:03:14,478 --> 00:03:16,280 - That's good, I like that. - Thanks, guys. 80 00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:17,960 - Very good. - What is it with you two? 81 00:03:18,039 --> 00:03:21,079 It's like-- it's like flirting, but sexless. 82 00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:23,280 - Ben: Well, look, it's "George Looney." - Hey, Kent. 83 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:24,879 Dan, what are you doing here? 84 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,960 Everybody needs to be somewhere, Mike. 85 00:03:27,039 --> 00:03:30,039 - I need to be here. - So, did they cure you or whatever? 86 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:32,199 No, I did not need to be cured, Michael. 87 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:36,199 I diagnosed myself with an acute case of "everything's fine." 88 00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:38,120 Can I get anybody a coffee? 89 00:03:38,199 --> 00:03:41,240 Uh, yes, please. Milk and two heaping spoonfuls 90 00:03:41,319 --> 00:03:43,439 - of whatever the fuck you're on. - Me, too. 91 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:44,918 'Cause it frames my face. Yeah. 92 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:46,599 Oh, excuse me, buddy. 93 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:48,800 - Oh! - Oh. I didn't even recognize you. 94 00:03:48,879 --> 00:03:50,478 - Look at you. - Look at you. 95 00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:52,360 - I love it. Do you love it? - Yeah. 96 00:03:52,439 --> 00:03:55,319 Uh, ma'am, I just wanna say again... thank you. 97 00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:57,360 And I'm still very sorry that I-- you know, 98 00:03:57,439 --> 00:03:59,520 I let it all get to me. But I've cleared it out. 99 00:03:59,599 --> 00:04:01,199 I'm much more centered. I'm better. 100 00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:03,240 Like I said before, I forgive you. 101 00:04:03,319 --> 00:04:04,759 - Because I'm nice... - You are. 102 00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:06,560 - and because I need your brain. - Thank you. 103 00:04:06,639 --> 00:04:08,800 But don't ever go schizo-titzo on me again. 104 00:04:08,879 --> 00:04:10,719 And get rid of this. 105 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:15,800 - Amy: Continuing to love the hair. - Thank you. 106 00:04:15,879 --> 00:04:17,519 - Welcome to debate prep. - Oh, good. 107 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:19,199 - Mike is Chung. - Selina: Uh-huh. 108 00:04:19,279 --> 00:04:20,879 - Amy: Kent is ex-Sec Def Maddox. - Selina: Ooh. 109 00:04:20,959 --> 00:04:23,240 - Ben is Owen Pierce. - Oh, that does look like him. 110 00:04:23,319 --> 00:04:24,920 And Congressman Furlong is Joe Thornhill. 111 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,360 - Baseball. - Yeah. Oh, God. 112 00:04:27,439 --> 00:04:30,680 Can't we give Pierce a dollar, send him off to the movies or something? 113 00:04:30,759 --> 00:04:34,519 Thornhill's the one to watch, because he is a complete asshole. 114 00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:37,639 Actually, you know what? Here you go, buddy. 115 00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:40,480 - Thank you. - Coffee for the Golden Bear. 116 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:44,319 I have a buddy who is inside MLB and he said it's possible 117 00:04:44,399 --> 00:04:46,639 that Thornhill might have had an affair. 118 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:48,240 Ooh. Do we have proof? 119 00:04:48,319 --> 00:04:49,759 Yeah, is there a smoking condom? 120 00:04:49,839 --> 00:04:51,839 It supposedly happened about eight years ago. 121 00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:53,680 It could have been anyone. Could have been Ben. 122 00:04:53,759 --> 00:04:55,879 Yeah, I poked everything that moved back then. 123 00:04:55,959 --> 00:04:58,839 We just need another reliable source and then... 124 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:00,759 we can make it an affair to remember. 125 00:05:00,839 --> 00:05:02,519 - ( thumps ) - Bam! 126 00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:04,720 God, I feel so powerful! 127 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:08,040 I got a whole new rush of blood to my new head. 128 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,040 Well, if Thornhill strayed once, there might be others. 129 00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:11,639 Maybe a crack whore, if we're lucky. 130 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:13,279 Call me naive, but isn't that unethical? 131 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:15,079 You're naive. Welcome to politics. 132 00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:17,600 Sorry to interrupt, but I need these looked at, stat. 133 00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:20,360 And the president's office is on the line. 134 00:05:20,439 --> 00:05:23,399 Oh, my God. The president will not stop calling. 135 00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:25,639 I just can't seem to get him out of my hair. 136 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:27,720 - Ma'am? - Did you notice? 137 00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:29,560 - You have a new haircut. - Yeah. 138 00:05:29,639 --> 00:05:31,079 - And a twitch. - What? 139 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:33,279 I thought I was just feeling it. You actually saw it? 140 00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:35,240 - It's really, really, really tiny. - Selina: You've seen it? 141 00:05:35,319 --> 00:05:37,399 When you feel it happening, maybe you smile through it. 142 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:39,800 - Oh. - Oh, there. Aha! 143 00:05:39,879 --> 00:05:41,480 - Did you see that? - Not at all. 144 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,560 Sue, I cannot stress to you enough 145 00:05:43,639 --> 00:05:46,079 the uninterruptability of this meeting. 146 00:05:46,159 --> 00:05:48,399 Well, maybe I should get my mother to sign these papers. 147 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:51,240 Sue, do not test me. I do not want to have a scene here. 148 00:05:51,319 --> 00:05:53,040 I will not have a scene. 149 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,199 Somebody should check if they're having makeup sex. 150 00:05:55,279 --> 00:05:58,639 - Gary. Gary! - What do you think of the new cut, huh? 151 00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:01,079 - Do you like it? - Of course I don't fucking like it. 152 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:03,560 It's the worst use of scissors since my failed vasectomy. 153 00:06:03,639 --> 00:06:06,040 The elfin look is in right now. I was reading about it. 154 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:08,759 People don't elect elves. They put them to work in grottos 155 00:06:08,839 --> 00:06:10,600 or get them drunk at frat parties so they can toss them. 156 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:12,959 - Okay, that's dwarfs. - It doesn't matter. 157 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,920 Do you really think it's too short? 158 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,680 Yeah. She looks like k.d. lang. 159 00:06:16,759 --> 00:06:18,920 Think of all the lesbian jokes we're gonna have to suffer. 160 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:21,399 "Strap-on Selina," "Selina Navratilova," 161 00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:24,199 - "fingering the dyke." - Oh, Mike. Why are you so angry? 162 00:06:24,279 --> 00:06:27,160 Because you have created a fuckload of work for me. 163 00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:29,000 I have to go out and find a friendly style reporter, 164 00:06:29,079 --> 00:06:32,079 get 'em on our side-- preferably a blind one. 165 00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:34,519 - You're married to one. - A blind woman? 166 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:37,720 - Okay. - Oh, Wendy. I'll text her. 167 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:39,759 Do you think we could add extensions or something? 168 00:06:39,839 --> 00:06:42,199 I'm up for extensions. What are extensions? 169 00:06:43,399 --> 00:06:45,279 The first thing is defense spending. 170 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:46,759 Yeah, well, then we use the drawdown-lockdown. 171 00:06:46,839 --> 00:06:48,920 - Selina: Right. - Fuck-what which-way? 172 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:51,560 Draw down troops abroad, lock down the budget at home. 173 00:06:51,639 --> 00:06:54,720 Our line can be "Thornhill's hitting home runs and away runs." 174 00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:56,319 - Can you have "away runs"? - Yeah. 175 00:06:56,399 --> 00:06:59,480 - No. - So what am I attacking Chung with? 176 00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,920 - HA-HA. - Are you laughing at us, Pee-wee? 177 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,920 - Oh, stop it. - HA-HA... 178 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,759 "Health care, air pollution, high salaries, and Afghanistan." 179 00:07:06,839 --> 00:07:08,480 Amy: Position on immigration. 180 00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:11,800 Okay, my position has always been clear on immigration. 181 00:07:11,879 --> 00:07:15,040 Um... oh, God, what the fuck is that thing? 182 00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:17,480 - The three Rs. - Oh, the three Rs. 183 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:20,720 "Reaffirm, reform, renew." 184 00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:22,560 - Renew. - Yes. 185 00:07:22,639 --> 00:07:24,920 I don't think I like the three Rs, you guys. 186 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:27,079 - I like them. - You do? 187 00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:28,839 Okay, yeah. I like them, then. 188 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:31,920 Okay, so, moving on. Do you think that your London trip 189 00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:33,439 harmed the "special relationship"? 190 00:07:33,519 --> 00:07:36,439 Absolutely not. We still have a very special relationship 191 00:07:36,519 --> 00:07:38,480 and I'm very much looking forward 192 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:40,759 to the upcoming royal visit. 193 00:07:41,839 --> 00:07:43,240 - ( Furlong mutters ) - Amy: Okay. 194 00:07:43,319 --> 00:07:44,839 We're gonna leave it there today. 195 00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:46,839 Meeting is over. Pleasantries, et cetera. 196 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:48,600 Well, ma'am, I hope your meeting went well, 197 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:50,680 because the rest of your day is a logistical hell. 198 00:07:50,759 --> 00:07:52,480 Is there any way you can make that sound more appealing? 199 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:54,680 Well, I could add the word "cookie" on the end for no reason. 200 00:07:54,759 --> 00:07:57,159 She can't practice not having the twitch. 201 00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:59,399 She can practice that. It's called "muscle memory." 202 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,879 - This is gonna be on television. - What about Botox? 203 00:08:06,519 --> 00:08:08,439 Maddox: We're getting ready for showtime. 204 00:08:08,519 --> 00:08:11,480 - Sure am, boss. Sure am. - Yep, yep. 205 00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:13,959 - How are you feeling? - It's hot. It feels hot in here. 206 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:15,600 Selina: Yes, it's fine. Thank you very much. 207 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:17,240 Welcome to the University of New Hampshire. 208 00:08:17,319 --> 00:08:19,240 We're gonna be onstage in about five minutes, everybody. 209 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:23,000 It's like being dropped into enemy territory unarmed. 210 00:08:23,079 --> 00:08:24,600 ( chuckles ) 211 00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:27,560 Oh, nice to see you, Congressman Pierce. 212 00:08:27,639 --> 00:08:30,160 Hope you're not feeling too-- well, I guess you are a little nervous. 213 00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:32,960 - Hey, George. - Hi. I like the new hair getup. 214 00:08:33,039 --> 00:08:35,120 - Oh, thank you. - You'd fit right in in the military. 215 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:37,120 Sir, might I say, you look very presidential. 216 00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:39,240 Get me some fruit, some mango. 217 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:41,080 Yes, sir, of course. Absolutely. 218 00:08:41,159 --> 00:08:42,600 Well, here it is, game one of the series. 219 00:08:42,679 --> 00:08:44,440 Joe Thornhill. What are you gonna do? 220 00:08:44,519 --> 00:08:46,240 You gonna hit one out of the park, "Shoeless Joe"? 221 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:48,559 - Well, I'm gonna try, ma'am. - Maybe we're gonna be surprised 222 00:08:48,639 --> 00:08:50,879 - by our "pinch hitter" over here. - Thornhill: You never know. 223 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:53,879 My parents did not allow me to play sports 224 00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:55,440 growing up, so... 225 00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:58,759 Thornhill: That's a shame. 226 00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:00,720 Oh, I wonder if we should take a picture. 227 00:09:00,799 --> 00:09:02,360 Do you think that would be a good idea? 228 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:05,080 - Should we, um... - No, I think... 229 00:09:05,159 --> 00:09:07,720 - I have a much better camera. - ( clucking ) 230 00:09:07,799 --> 00:09:12,120 All right, say who's gonna be president! 231 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:16,440 Mr. Egan, I see you've shaved. Wise. 232 00:09:16,519 --> 00:09:19,879 You don't have the facial gravitas for a beard. 233 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,519 It's so smooth, it's amazing. 234 00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,519 It's like touching a child's face. Here, try it. 235 00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:26,000 I don't enjoy touching children's faces. 236 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:27,840 And neither should you. 237 00:09:27,919 --> 00:09:29,840 Hey, "Dan Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest." 238 00:09:29,919 --> 00:09:32,159 How's it going, buddy? You gonna self-harm? 239 00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:33,840 Can I live stream it? 240 00:09:33,919 --> 00:09:36,200 A lot of that aggression comes from insecurity, buddy. 241 00:09:36,279 --> 00:09:38,440 How are you gonna manage all this craziness? 242 00:09:38,519 --> 00:09:41,279 Well, I don't just manage, ma'am, I coach. 243 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:42,840 And I'm gonna coach America. 244 00:09:42,919 --> 00:09:45,799 - You're talking to me now. - I was just practicing. 245 00:09:45,879 --> 00:09:48,919 Okay. But I mean, if it doesn't pan out, 246 00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:50,679 well, I guess you'll just have happy memories 247 00:09:50,759 --> 00:09:53,559 to bring home to-- where is it? 248 00:09:53,639 --> 00:09:55,840 I believe they still call it the White House, ma'am. 249 00:09:55,919 --> 00:09:59,039 - You gonna come visit me? - Visit? I'm gonna redecorate. 250 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,120 - Oh, okay. - Sorry to interrupt, ma'am. 251 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,399 - You go right ahead. - I just wanted to make sure 252 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:05,480 that you had all the numbers on the "sanctuary states." 253 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:09,759 Oh-- oh, yes. Yes, I do. Yes. 254 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:12,919 Because you need them all. Otherwise you'd be screwed. 255 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,559 That's cute, little mind games. 256 00:10:14,639 --> 00:10:17,039 I happen to know all about sanctuary states, ladies. 257 00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:19,720 ( chuckles ) See you later. 258 00:10:19,799 --> 00:10:22,919 - All right. I think I just did-- - The twitch is back. 259 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:26,519 - I cannot believe it. - No, that's in the past. 260 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:28,000 Oh, my God. Twitch is back. 261 00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:29,879 - Shit! - Don't sweat it. 262 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,879 You have to literally not sweat. 263 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,480 You don't want to go Nixon on us. 264 00:10:33,559 --> 00:10:36,080 You can turn sideways. Twitch, smile, turn. 265 00:10:36,159 --> 00:10:38,159 - And the three Rs. - I have the three Rs. 266 00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:40,960 - "Reform, reaffirm, renew." - No, "renew." 267 00:10:41,039 --> 00:10:42,480 That's what I just said, renew. 268 00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:44,120 She looks like Peter Falk. 269 00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:46,159 Maybe a fourth R? Maybe just "relax." 270 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:48,159 Madam Vice President, 30 seconds to air. 271 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:51,320 Amy: Thank you. Is the twitch really bad? 272 00:10:51,399 --> 00:10:54,679 - Yes. - Okay. 273 00:10:54,759 --> 00:10:58,320 Please welcome the candidates for tonight's debate. 274 00:10:58,399 --> 00:11:00,120 - Joe Thornhill. - ( applause ) 275 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:03,639 Former Secretary of Defense George Maddox. 276 00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:05,919 Vice President Selina Meyer. 277 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:07,559 - Madam Vice President. - How do you do? 278 00:11:07,639 --> 00:11:10,200 Here's my favorite part, where they all pretend like they like each other. 279 00:11:10,279 --> 00:11:12,159 - Governor Danny Chung. - Fuck Broadway. This is real acting. 280 00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:14,600 Congressman Owen Pierce. 281 00:11:14,679 --> 00:11:17,159 Nice air kiss. I think he actually missed the air. 282 00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:18,919 - Moderator: Welcome, all of you. - Candidates: Thank you. 283 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,360 - Moderator: Let's get started. - Furlong: He spills his water! 284 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:23,120 I swear, this kid is literally gonna shit himself. 285 00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:26,679 Joe Thornhill, you're an ex-baseball coach. 286 00:11:26,759 --> 00:11:30,000 People say you're way out of your league, literally. 287 00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:33,000 - Shouldn't you get off the field? - You know, ma'am... 288 00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:34,720 I'm just an ordinary guy 289 00:11:34,799 --> 00:11:37,399 and I live in the real America. 290 00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:39,000 I may not know much about running the country, 291 00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:41,600 I'll give you that. But you know what? 292 00:11:41,679 --> 00:11:43,320 Neither did George Washington. 293 00:11:43,399 --> 00:11:46,759 Very good. Now compare yourself to Lincoln and Buddha. 294 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:49,000 What you need is some coaching. 295 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:50,720 And I want to be your coach. 296 00:11:50,799 --> 00:11:53,559 I want to coach America. 297 00:11:53,639 --> 00:11:56,440 And if you'll have me, 298 00:11:56,519 --> 00:11:58,600 well, I guarantee you... 299 00:11:58,679 --> 00:12:00,879 we're going all the way to the pennant. 300 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:03,799 - ( applause ) - Thank you very much. 301 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:08,480 Thornhill's dial tests are off the dial. The focus groups love him. 302 00:12:08,559 --> 00:12:10,559 The public will vote for anybody they recognize. 303 00:12:10,639 --> 00:12:13,360 We could lose to the whale from "Free Willy." 304 00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:16,000 Today, we're here to talk about records. 305 00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:18,399 And my record clearly shows 306 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:21,080 that unlike some of us, I have been tested. 307 00:12:21,159 --> 00:12:23,759 Here comes the burning tank story where he saves the one guy 308 00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:25,679 and the rest of us get fuckin' tortured. 309 00:12:25,759 --> 00:12:29,720 ...when I saved my friend 310 00:12:29,799 --> 00:12:32,480 on the field of battle 311 00:12:32,559 --> 00:12:33,960 from a burning tank... 312 00:12:34,039 --> 00:12:37,240 I wasn't thinking about myself. 313 00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:39,159 I was thinking about my friend. 314 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:40,879 I was thinking about his family. 315 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:42,919 Look at him throwing his water everywhere. 316 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:45,159 He should have been there when the tank was on fire. 317 00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:47,320 God, how does this kid feed himself? 318 00:12:47,399 --> 00:12:49,840 Mike, you said Wendy would be here. Where is she? 319 00:12:49,919 --> 00:12:52,759 She's not my dog, Amy-- who actually isn't very well at the moment. 320 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,399 I don't care, Mike. Just get Wendy here, okay? 321 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:56,559 She's got a problem with an anal gland. 322 00:12:56,639 --> 00:12:58,039 I'm talking about the dog. 323 00:12:58,120 --> 00:12:59,559 Oh, there she is. Hey, tiger. 324 00:12:59,639 --> 00:13:02,600 - Aha! Hey-- - Amy: So, Gary... 325 00:13:02,679 --> 00:13:04,279 - talk to Wendy about Selina. - What? 326 00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:06,840 - The thing we-- the-- - Wendy, hey. 327 00:13:06,919 --> 00:13:09,399 We are so excited about the Veep's new look, Wendy. 328 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:12,240 W-we think it's young-- makes her look younger, 329 00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:14,519 - but it's age-appropriate, I feel. - Nice to see you, too, Gary. 330 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,720 Hey, relax. It's a puff piece, all right? 331 00:13:16,799 --> 00:13:18,559 I'm with "Style" section now. You don't have to do that. 332 00:13:18,639 --> 00:13:22,120 People are being so critical, Wendy. They think she looks like a lesbian. 333 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:24,320 Shit! I didn't just say that. I'm sorry. 334 00:13:24,399 --> 00:13:26,679 Gary, stop being so nervous. Watch me. 335 00:13:26,759 --> 00:13:28,360 "Oh, I love your tie." 336 00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:30,120 See? Basically brain-dead. Don't worry. 337 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:31,919 - Moderator: Secretary Maddox. - Yes? 338 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,440 You've been with the military exclusively. 339 00:13:34,519 --> 00:13:37,080 What makes you qualified to be the president? 340 00:13:37,159 --> 00:13:40,639 I'm a man of words that the American people can understand. 341 00:13:42,879 --> 00:13:45,600 I'm talking about words like... 342 00:13:45,679 --> 00:13:49,360 the economy... jobs... 343 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:52,440 World's worst boy-band member ever right there. 344 00:13:52,519 --> 00:13:57,159 It's a simple and direct language. 345 00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:58,799 And, uh, ahem... 346 00:13:58,879 --> 00:14:00,559 He looks like he just came out of the bathroom 347 00:14:00,639 --> 00:14:02,600 and then decided that he hadn't finished yet. 348 00:14:02,679 --> 00:14:05,879 It's a language that I feel 349 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,679 the American people wanna listen to. 350 00:14:08,759 --> 00:14:12,240 I feel your pain. You okay? 351 00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:14,240 I'll be better when you walk away. 352 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:16,720 If only we could all just walk away. 353 00:14:16,799 --> 00:14:19,000 And now to you, Madam Vice President. 354 00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:21,679 Your personal trainer caused some controversy recently 355 00:14:21,759 --> 00:14:23,240 and had to be dismissed. 356 00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:25,080 What do you say to the accusation 357 00:14:25,159 --> 00:14:27,080 that you care too much about image 358 00:14:27,159 --> 00:14:29,240 and aren't making a real difference to America? 359 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:31,080 Before I answer it, I'd like to start off 360 00:14:31,159 --> 00:14:33,919 by saying I would like to be the first 361 00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:37,440 to thank the kind folks 362 00:14:37,519 --> 00:14:39,360 here at the University of New Hampshire-- 363 00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:41,840 the faculty, the staff, the students, of course-- 364 00:14:41,919 --> 00:14:43,399 - Pierce: Absolutely. - for-- 365 00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:45,200 Excuse me, Congressman? 366 00:14:45,279 --> 00:14:47,480 I was-- yes. Yes, ma'am, absolutely. 367 00:14:47,559 --> 00:14:50,440 Great. I do want to answer that question. 368 00:14:50,519 --> 00:14:51,960 I've got to say, I like this new look. 369 00:14:52,039 --> 00:14:53,759 - You do? - Mm-hmm, yeah. 370 00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:55,600 I mean, it's better than that London outfit. 371 00:14:55,679 --> 00:14:58,240 - That hat was crazy. - I had nothing to do with that. 372 00:14:58,320 --> 00:15:00,080 - Ray chose that hat. - Ray the trainer? 373 00:15:00,159 --> 00:15:01,799 - Yeah. - Ray has a say? 374 00:15:01,879 --> 00:15:04,600 She does not say nay to Ray. You know what I'm sayin'? 375 00:15:04,679 --> 00:15:07,080 ( laughing ) 376 00:15:07,159 --> 00:15:08,519 What kind of stuff? 377 00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:11,679 Selina: I did have a fitness trainer. 378 00:15:11,759 --> 00:15:14,360 However, this gentleman did not make any decisions 379 00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:17,120 in my office under any circumstances. 380 00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:20,080 I choose my own outfits, I stay in shape, 381 00:15:20,159 --> 00:15:22,279 I make the decisions in my office, 382 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:25,080 and I am the best multitasker on my team. 383 00:15:25,159 --> 00:15:27,720 She just said the opposite of what you said. 384 00:15:27,799 --> 00:15:29,960 ( scoffs ) No... 385 00:15:30,039 --> 00:15:32,039 - Yes. - You can't use that. 386 00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:34,879 You just gave me a good scoop on Ray. 387 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:36,360 I'm not gonna ignore that. 388 00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:40,240 Okay. ( mutters ) 389 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:43,879 Hello, Mike. 390 00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:45,960 I just told Wendy that Ray picked the hat, 391 00:15:46,039 --> 00:15:47,679 but then Selina said that he didn't, 392 00:15:47,759 --> 00:15:49,320 so now Wendy knows that Selina's lying. 393 00:15:49,399 --> 00:15:51,320 I'm sorry, Gary. You lost me at "Hello." 394 00:15:51,399 --> 00:15:53,679 - How are we doing? - Well, Thornhill is still, 395 00:15:53,759 --> 00:15:56,200 to use a baseball analogy, "winning." 396 00:15:56,279 --> 00:15:59,240 Dan, get on the phone. Find me Thornhill's snatch, now. 397 00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:01,159 Call every whore and mistress in America 398 00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:03,519 until you find the right one. 399 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:06,960 You do remember that he had a breakdown recently? 400 00:16:07,039 --> 00:16:08,960 Oh, Jesus, Kent. It was, like, three weeks ago. 401 00:16:09,039 --> 00:16:10,919 Besides, Selina is waiting for the signal. 402 00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:12,840 - We need to out this affair. - Yeah, we do. 403 00:16:12,919 --> 00:16:14,399 We need to find the "smoking hon'." 404 00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:16,279 As in "honey." That doesn't work. 405 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:19,240 I've got a bad stomach cramp. I might be coming down with a bug. 406 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:21,720 Moderator: Congressman Pierce, 407 00:16:21,799 --> 00:16:23,679 you've served in Congress for four years now. 408 00:16:23,759 --> 00:16:25,840 How does that affect your vision for America? 409 00:16:25,919 --> 00:16:28,879 The America that I see now 410 00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,279 is a mess. 411 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:33,480 Our economy is going down the drain. 412 00:16:33,559 --> 00:16:37,279 If our government is going to take everything from us, 413 00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:39,000 bar the kitchen sink, 414 00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:41,399 they might want to take... 415 00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:43,360 the plug as well. 416 00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:46,720 Chung: Why a plug? 417 00:16:46,799 --> 00:16:50,279 To... plug up the plug hole. ( chuckles ) 418 00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:53,000 - It was a joke. - He's making a joke. 419 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:55,919 Guess I'm the only one with a sense of humor. ( chuckling ) 420 00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:57,600 We should put this guy in Vegas. 421 00:16:57,679 --> 00:16:59,159 I mean, anywhere but here. 422 00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:00,919 If newspapers still had cartoonists, 423 00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:03,559 they could do something really clever with that plug. 424 00:17:03,639 --> 00:17:05,680 Hey, Jackson, are you working for him and not telling us? 425 00:17:05,759 --> 00:17:08,319 Everybody here doesn't hate me, right? 426 00:17:10,358 --> 00:17:11,920 Baby, we have a little situation here. 427 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,118 Okay, just what exactly did Gary say, okay? 428 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:15,720 You didn't say anything about FLOTUS, did you? 429 00:17:15,799 --> 00:17:17,640 No, but you just did. 430 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:19,279 What about FLOTUS? 431 00:17:19,358 --> 00:17:20,759 I didn't say anything about FLOTUS. 432 00:17:20,839 --> 00:17:23,319 - ( whispers ) She's a reporter. - Shut up. 433 00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:24,799 Hey, what's going on with FLOTUS? 434 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:26,799 - Nothing. - Gary: Nothing. 435 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:29,200 - I have to write about something, so... - Okay, babe, look. 436 00:17:29,279 --> 00:17:31,599 I'm gonna give you the Joe Thornhill affair. 437 00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:34,119 - Thornhill had an affair? - What the hell is wrong with you? 438 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:35,839 That's okay. That's good with me. I'll take that. 439 00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:38,359 - Wendy: Good boy. - Good boy, good boy, good boy. 440 00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:40,480 Governor Chung, we live in a time 441 00:17:40,559 --> 00:17:43,400 when young people find it increasingly hard to find work. 442 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:46,960 - How would you address this issue? - He'll say, "Bring back the draft." 443 00:17:47,039 --> 00:17:48,480 You know, I'm not trying to say 444 00:17:48,559 --> 00:17:51,440 that you should join up and serve your country, 445 00:17:51,519 --> 00:17:53,559 but there are other options for the young adults-- 446 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,960 I'd love to field this one, Governor Chung, if you don't mind. 447 00:17:56,039 --> 00:17:58,680 I'm sorry, the question was directed to me. 448 00:17:58,759 --> 00:18:01,400 But this is a question that is very near to my heart. 449 00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,200 Selina: Are we all allowed to speak at once now? 450 00:18:03,279 --> 00:18:06,599 - Is that how it's gonna work? - I would like to hear the coach out. 451 00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:08,839 - That's manager. - Chung: Manager. That's fine. 452 00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:10,720 You know, as someone 453 00:18:10,799 --> 00:18:12,720 who's spent my entire professional career 454 00:18:12,799 --> 00:18:14,920 working with young athletes 455 00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:16,440 helping them to achieve their potential 456 00:18:16,519 --> 00:18:18,839 and become role models, 457 00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:21,519 young adult unemployment has been a priority for me. 458 00:18:21,599 --> 00:18:24,000 He's blocking Selina. That guy's smarter than he looks. 459 00:18:24,079 --> 00:18:25,680 Mind you, he'd have to be. 460 00:18:25,759 --> 00:18:28,880 Seems to me the vice president has taken her eye off the ball. 461 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:32,000 She's become distracted by the trappings of her office. 462 00:18:32,079 --> 00:18:35,279 I think it's time we stopped worrying about people up on the Hill. 463 00:18:35,359 --> 00:18:38,559 According to the dials, Thornhill's still out front. 464 00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:40,599 Okay, we really, really need 465 00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:42,200 that woman who fucked him to fuck him. 466 00:18:42,279 --> 00:18:44,079 - We need Joe's ho. - I'm waiting for one more source 467 00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:46,279 to corroborate the story. Wait, wait, wait. 468 00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:49,119 - He fucked her. - Oh-hh! 469 00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,440 This feels better than actually having sex yourself. 470 00:18:51,519 --> 00:18:54,599 Now, as a military man, I know that true leadership 471 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:58,000 takes strategy, it takes planning, it takes a vision. 472 00:18:58,079 --> 00:19:00,079 Now, today, we're not here... 473 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:02,880 - ( silent ) - to talk about personal trainers 474 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:06,519 or baseball or... plugs. 475 00:19:06,599 --> 00:19:08,680 I certainly hope that the governor 476 00:19:08,759 --> 00:19:11,119 is not suggesting that I haven't been tested. 477 00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:13,200 I've served my entire life 478 00:19:13,279 --> 00:19:15,599 under the scrutiny of the public eye, 479 00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:19,519 and I have no skeletons whatsoever in my closet. 480 00:19:19,599 --> 00:19:22,880 The question is, can we all say the same here? 481 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:24,720 I need this story coming out of every TV, 482 00:19:24,799 --> 00:19:26,640 phone, laptop, and hairdresser in America. 483 00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:28,240 - Dan, you get the press ready. - Yeah. 484 00:19:28,319 --> 00:19:31,640 Well, I'm glad you raised that issue, Madam Vice President. 485 00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:33,640 I've got something very important 486 00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:36,480 I would like to share with the American people. 487 00:19:36,559 --> 00:19:39,680 I just wanna be honest. 488 00:19:39,759 --> 00:19:43,200 Many years ago, I had a brief affair. 489 00:19:43,279 --> 00:19:46,440 - I deeply regret it. - He's confessing? 490 00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,119 Crap. 491 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:50,880 If there's a dirty trick I cannot stand, it is honesty. 492 00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:53,279 ...and support of my amazing wife, Chrissy. 493 00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:56,680 We got out the other side stronger than ever. 494 00:19:56,759 --> 00:19:59,519 Strong enough for me to tell you this, America. 495 00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:01,720 If you can forgive me, 496 00:20:01,799 --> 00:20:03,519 then you can vote for me. 497 00:20:03,599 --> 00:20:05,880 My amazing wife Chrissy, ladies and gentlemen. 498 00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,880 - ( applause ) - There she is, my darlin'. 499 00:20:10,079 --> 00:20:13,200 I hate confessions, unless they've been beaten out of someone. 500 00:20:13,279 --> 00:20:15,400 Thornhill just ran the Thornhill story, 501 00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:17,720 which makes my Thornhill story useless. 502 00:20:17,799 --> 00:20:19,559 So now you have to tell me about FLOTUS. 503 00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:22,200 I can't tell you about FLOTUS. FLOTUS is a no-go-tus. 504 00:20:22,279 --> 00:20:25,279 - Then I can run the story on Ray. - I can't let you run that story. 505 00:20:25,359 --> 00:20:27,519 But I love you. Does that make everything better? 506 00:20:27,599 --> 00:20:30,079 This is what our marriage is gonna be? This? 507 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:33,759 It doesn't have to be. Wait, what are we talking about? 508 00:20:33,839 --> 00:20:36,400 There's always gonna be a conflict of interest. 509 00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:38,720 But that's what marriage is-- a conflict of interests. 510 00:20:38,799 --> 00:20:41,319 No. Marriage is being able to tell each other everything 511 00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:43,160 - and finding-- - Are you fighting? Please don't. 512 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:45,160 - Get the hell out of my marriage. - Okay, got it. 513 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:47,319 Mike, I'm really nervous about all these haircut questions. 514 00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:48,960 - Nobody cares. - Yeah, okay. 515 00:20:49,359 --> 00:20:52,400 Moderator: We have 11 million illegal immigrants 516 00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:54,400 currently living in the U.S. today. 517 00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:56,960 What do we do about them? Madam Vice President? 518 00:20:57,039 --> 00:21:00,200 I have a very clear strategy 519 00:21:00,279 --> 00:21:02,079 that I would like to share with everybody today. 520 00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:06,680 I call it my "three Rs." 521 00:21:06,759 --> 00:21:10,160 It's time for the "three Rs." They're solid as a rock, rock, rock. 522 00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:13,200 Number one-- we need to reform. 523 00:21:13,279 --> 00:21:16,839 But we can't do it without bipartisan support. 524 00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:19,039 And that is something that I am confident, 525 00:21:19,119 --> 00:21:22,640 with my experience, I can absolutely secure. 526 00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:27,559 Number two-- we need to reaffirm. 527 00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:29,799 We need to reaffirm our commitment 528 00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:33,799 to highly skilled, legal immigrant workers. 529 00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:36,440 Number three-- the... 530 00:21:36,519 --> 00:21:39,119 the third R. 531 00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:42,400 Um... uh... 532 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:44,480 Renew, renew. The third R is "renew." 533 00:21:44,559 --> 00:21:46,160 She forgot the third R. 534 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:47,720 The third R is-- 535 00:21:47,799 --> 00:21:51,200 actually let me go back to "reaffirm," which was number two. 536 00:21:51,279 --> 00:21:52,880 Do we have any snipers? Can we take her out? 537 00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:54,680 You got a gun? I'll do it. 538 00:21:54,759 --> 00:21:57,880 ...immigrants whose descendants, of course, run companies. 539 00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:01,759 Successful companies like Clovis in Silicon Valley, 540 00:22:01,839 --> 00:22:03,680 where I had the good fortune to visit earlier this year. 541 00:22:03,759 --> 00:22:06,319 Madam Vice President? Your time is nearly up. 542 00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:08,039 You mentioned a third R? 543 00:22:08,119 --> 00:22:09,640 Thank you so much, Andrea. 544 00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:12,480 And I'm absolutely gonna get to that. 545 00:22:12,559 --> 00:22:14,079 Jesus, that is a wicked twitch. 546 00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:15,680 - I can't watch this. - Neither can she, 547 00:22:15,759 --> 00:22:20,480 - 'cause her fuckin' eyes don't work. - It is... "repel." 548 00:22:20,559 --> 00:22:23,519 - That's right. - Why did she say "repel"? 549 00:22:23,599 --> 00:22:25,119 What is it, "Talk Like A Pirate Day"? 550 00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:29,240 I mean we need to repel unwanted immigration. 551 00:22:29,319 --> 00:22:31,799 We need to repel criminals, 552 00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:35,559 we need to repel obesity, we need to repel torturers. 553 00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:38,200 - I've endorsed a Nazi. - That would explain the Hitler haircut. 554 00:22:38,279 --> 00:22:42,960 We need to repel the enemies of America. 555 00:22:43,039 --> 00:22:45,759 - ( applause ) - Thank you. 556 00:22:47,799 --> 00:22:49,519 Maybe I should have gone with two Rs. 557 00:22:49,599 --> 00:22:51,279 Hey, I got three Fs for ya-- 558 00:22:51,359 --> 00:22:53,720 you're fucked, you fuckin' fucker. 559 00:22:53,799 --> 00:22:56,680 Holy crapcakes! They're loving her. 560 00:22:56,759 --> 00:22:58,960 I know. It seems every time she says "repel," 561 00:22:59,039 --> 00:23:00,640 she attracts more voters. 562 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:03,200 We have a question now from a member of our audience, 563 00:23:03,279 --> 00:23:04,880 Angela Rodriguez. 564 00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:06,400 My mom lost her house 565 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:08,759 because the banks refused to lower the rates. 566 00:23:08,839 --> 00:23:10,680 My dad passed away and she had to pay 567 00:23:10,759 --> 00:23:12,400 for the mortgage out of her savings. 568 00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:14,640 - Mike: What's he doing? - Angela: My mother lost her house. 569 00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:18,599 No, don't look at the twitch. Focus on the "dead dad lady." 570 00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:21,720 - Secretary Maddox? - Hmm? 571 00:23:21,799 --> 00:23:25,599 Oh, uh... yeah. I'm very sorry to hear 572 00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:27,960 about what happened to your mom, and... 573 00:23:28,039 --> 00:23:30,000 I don't think we should be penalizing 574 00:23:30,079 --> 00:23:32,759 any hardworking Americans. 575 00:23:34,359 --> 00:23:35,880 But here's the thing, Andrea. 576 00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:39,119 Angela. My name is Angela. 577 00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:40,680 Maddox: Angela. Right, right, right. 578 00:23:40,759 --> 00:23:43,039 There are some loopholes. 579 00:23:43,119 --> 00:23:44,920 What we need to do 580 00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:47,519 is to find those loopholes 581 00:23:47,599 --> 00:23:49,880 and find out... 582 00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,200 whether-- are they loopholes 583 00:23:52,279 --> 00:23:54,519 or are they legitimate holes? 584 00:23:54,599 --> 00:23:56,759 What the hell is a legitimate hole? 585 00:23:56,839 --> 00:23:58,839 ( laughing ) Well, don't get me started. 586 00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:02,680 That's the question that we should be asking ourselves. 587 00:24:02,759 --> 00:24:04,440 - If I may--? - Andrea: Please be brief, Congressman. 588 00:24:04,519 --> 00:24:06,839 With-- absolutely-- with regard to holes, 589 00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:09,480 and notwithstanding the humor that was poked at me earlier, 590 00:24:09,559 --> 00:24:11,200 and I'm certainly a fan of humor-- 591 00:24:11,279 --> 00:24:12,880 can't get by without it-- 592 00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:14,960 but I think the point about holes is well taken 593 00:24:15,039 --> 00:24:16,599 and sort of circles back to my point 594 00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:19,960 - about plug holes earlier-- - Well, not-- not-- not quite. 595 00:24:20,039 --> 00:24:23,599 But it-- we wanna find those holes or the loopholes. 596 00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:26,160 - Just stop saying "hole." - ( snickering ) 597 00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:29,359 - Jonah: It's not that bad. - No, as a "hole," it's not that bad. 598 00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:31,599 But we wanna stay above the hole. 599 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:33,519 We don't wanna go down the hole. 600 00:24:33,599 --> 00:24:35,559 He's gonna disappear up his own "hole" hole. 601 00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:37,359 If I get your vote, 602 00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:39,359 you won't go down that hole. 603 00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:42,400 I wanna bring everybody above the hole. 604 00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:45,799 We all want to live above the hole. 605 00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:48,920 - That sounds like a slogan, folks. - ( laughter ) 606 00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:51,960 And once again, we'd like to express our appreciation 607 00:24:52,039 --> 00:24:54,359 - to each of the candidates. - Maddox: Thank you. 608 00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:57,200 ( applause ) 609 00:24:57,279 --> 00:24:59,680 Selina: You didn't get much of a chance to speak, did you? 610 00:24:59,759 --> 00:25:01,759 - No, I didn't. Remember that third R. 611 00:25:01,839 --> 00:25:05,559 Thornhill, 30%. Selina, second, 25. 612 00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:09,440 Chung, 22, Pierce, 9, Maddox, 8. 613 00:25:09,519 --> 00:25:12,960 Maddox dialed "M" for "Murdered Himself." 614 00:25:13,039 --> 00:25:14,759 Furlong: God, look at Pierce. 615 00:25:14,839 --> 00:25:16,640 He looks like he just got out of sex prison. 616 00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:18,960 He's not gonna cry, is he? 617 00:25:19,039 --> 00:25:21,559 Now Maddox's daughter is gonna give him the bad news. 618 00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:25,880 - "Daddy, you fuckin' blew it!" - "I've never been less proud of you." 619 00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:28,119 Well, thank God for Twitchy. He really saved us. 620 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:29,839 I love that little guy. 621 00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:32,279 Now he's got to convince everyone the three Rs don't stand 622 00:25:32,359 --> 00:25:33,880 for "racist," "right wing," and "racist." 623 00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:37,599 Aw, shit! I'm gonna get so many questions about this hair. 624 00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:39,359 I can give you a ton of lines for this. 625 00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:41,759 That's not reassuring. 626 00:25:42,359 --> 00:25:44,640 Jonah: Hey, Dan. Dan. 627 00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:47,480 I just want to say I'm sorry if I wasn't very sympathetic 628 00:25:47,559 --> 00:25:49,119 to your mental head issues. 629 00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:51,720 So... I'm sorry. Friends? 630 00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:56,200 Go fuck yourself, "Jack and the Giant Freakstalk." 631 00:25:56,279 --> 00:25:58,640 Your team lost, and you should be fitted with a leper bell, 632 00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:00,319 you sinking shit. 633 00:26:04,039 --> 00:26:05,920 Yeah, okay. 634 00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,640 Boy, I do not know what I saw in you. 635 00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:10,440 I do. He's a less talented ugly version of me. 636 00:26:10,519 --> 00:26:12,160 He's basically a human comfort blanket. 637 00:26:14,039 --> 00:26:17,359 Remember when I came up with "short hair for the long haul"? 638 00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:19,519 When? What? No. 639 00:26:19,599 --> 00:26:21,400 Cheer up. Coming in second is good. 640 00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:23,039 Furlong: It's especially true with opening debates. 641 00:26:23,119 --> 00:26:25,440 - Also with fucking. - It's not enough. We have to win. 642 00:26:25,519 --> 00:26:27,759 And if you can't stand the heat, buy asbestos panties. 643 00:26:27,839 --> 00:26:29,759 That's the kind of talk that gets me turned on. 644 00:26:29,839 --> 00:26:31,759 We're gonna have another twitch to deal with here. 645 00:26:31,839 --> 00:26:34,400 I wouldn't say "repel" is a strong word. 646 00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:39,279 It can mean also "to push away gently with respect." 647 00:26:39,359 --> 00:26:41,680 I was pretty disappointed in Governor Chung's performance, 648 00:26:41,759 --> 00:26:44,359 but I did learn that he used to be a soldier. 649 00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:45,839 Learned that several times. 650 00:26:46,359 --> 00:26:48,799 Mike, I haven't gotten any questions about her hair. 651 00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:50,880 Thank fuckin' God. 652 00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:54,440 Well, the... 653 00:26:54,519 --> 00:26:56,599 the hole is the hole. 654 00:26:56,680 --> 00:26:59,240 And the hole is the hole that people fall into. 655 00:26:59,319 --> 00:27:01,400 And if they fall below the line, they will fall into the hole. 656 00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:04,640 And we want to keep them from falling below the line 657 00:27:04,720 --> 00:27:06,480 and then into the hole... or off the map. 658 00:27:06,559 --> 00:27:09,160 Because if they're in the hole, how are you gonna get out?