1 00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:09,480 ( THEME MUSIC PLAYING ) 2 00:00:18,679 --> 00:00:20,079 ( SIRENS WAILING ) 3 00:00:20,160 --> 00:00:22,640 MALE REPORTER: A sensational turn of events at the White House. 4 00:00:22,719 --> 00:00:24,120 Reportedly even she... 5 00:00:24,199 --> 00:00:25,600 FEMALE REPORTER: ...President Hughes makes his final exit, 6 00:00:25,679 --> 00:00:27,079 our thoughts are with him and the outgoing First Lady. 7 00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:28,839 FEMALE REPORTER #2: ...Selina Meyer prepares to step 8 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:30,519 into the most powerful shoes in the world... 9 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:32,679 FEMALE COMMENTATOR: How will Selena Meyer be feeling, I wonder, 10 00:00:32,759 --> 00:00:35,280 as she finds herself about to become President... 11 00:00:35,359 --> 00:00:37,399 SELINA: I can't believe it. This is insane. 12 00:00:37,479 --> 00:00:39,439 BEN: Am I dreaming? Do I have my pants on? 13 00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:41,439 Ma'am, I don't wanna piss on your bliss, but... 14 00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:44,159 I'm gonna need you back in New Hampshire very, very soon. 15 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:47,079 Okay, but I've got something to do really soon. 16 00:00:47,159 --> 00:00:49,320 I'm trying to remember what it is. What is it again, Mike? 17 00:00:49,399 --> 00:00:51,079 Hmm... I think you're becoming 18 00:00:51,159 --> 00:00:52,719 ( YELLS ) President of the United States! 19 00:00:52,799 --> 00:00:55,079 - ( ALL CHEERING ) - Yeah, we rule. 20 00:00:55,159 --> 00:00:56,759 - What? - Or you do, in fact. 21 00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:58,479 Yeah, I rule. 22 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:00,039 Hey, you know what, guys? We have to be careful, though, 23 00:01:00,119 --> 00:01:02,200 not to look too happy, you know? 'Cause of FLOTUS. 24 00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:05,239 I just got a voicemail from Beyonce wishing you well. 25 00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:07,040 - Shut up. - What? 26 00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:09,439 - DAN: I swear to God. - Oh, my God, ma'am. 27 00:01:09,519 --> 00:01:10,920 - Oh! I can't believe it. - DAN: I know. 28 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:12,680 How did she get your number? 29 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:14,599 - I have no idea. - AMY: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 30 00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:16,920 Ma'am? You can't get too distracted by being president 31 00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:19,000 because you're still campaigning to be president. 32 00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:21,560 I'm not sure that Beyonce fully understands that. 33 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:24,519 ( GASPS ) She's calling me a "Single Lady." 34 00:01:24,599 --> 00:01:27,079 MALE REPORTER: Here it comes-- celebrity support for Selena Meyer... 35 00:01:27,158 --> 00:01:30,280 FEMALE REPORTER: ...as the stars take to Twitter to share their adoration... 36 00:01:30,359 --> 00:01:32,239 FEMALE REPORTER #2: Support from notable celebrities such as Katy Perry 37 00:01:32,319 --> 00:01:33,719 - and Will.i.am... - ( ELEVATOR BELL RINGS ) 38 00:01:33,799 --> 00:01:35,120 ( CHEERING, APPLAUSE ) 39 00:01:36,319 --> 00:01:38,598 Oh, my God. Is this for me? 40 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,079 AMY: Holy shit. 41 00:01:40,158 --> 00:01:42,519 - It's like Lolla-fucking-palooza. - DAN: This is awesome. 42 00:01:42,598 --> 00:01:45,039 - It's like I'm a Beatle. - Well, you got the haircut for it. 43 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:47,359 Congratulations, ma'am. First female president. 44 00:01:47,439 --> 00:01:50,039 - I'm so happy to be alive to see this. - I'm so happy it's me. 45 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:52,920 I want to see all these people. All my people, I see-- 46 00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:56,239 - Oh, you. - Congratulations, ma'am. 47 00:01:56,319 --> 00:01:58,158 Anything you want, I'm at your beck and call. 48 00:01:58,239 --> 00:02:00,120 Thank you so much, "Senator Suck-up." 49 00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:02,840 Ma'am? You're now only a point away from Chung. 50 00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:05,760 - Presidential bounce. - Yeah, bounce that, ya dumb dick. 51 00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:07,239 - Hey, how's it going? - DAN: Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, look. 52 00:02:07,319 --> 00:02:10,240 From Ashton Kutcher's assistant, "Ashton says congrats." 53 00:02:10,318 --> 00:02:11,719 Assistant? 54 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:14,840 - ( APPLAUSE ) - Ah. More people. 55 00:02:14,919 --> 00:02:17,759 - Uh, ma'am? It looks like Pierce-- - What? Thanks. 56 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:19,280 It looks like he's about to pull out of the race. 57 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:22,879 One down, three to go. It's all fallin' into place. Hey, Sue. 58 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:25,240 Hi, ma'am. The oath will take place tomorrow at 12:00 noon. 59 00:02:25,319 --> 00:02:26,719 Yeah. 60 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:28,280 You will then acquire the nuclear codes. 61 00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:29,759 - BEN: Goodbye, China. - Wow. 62 00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:31,599 Thornhill, Chung, and Maddox are continuing on for now. 63 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:33,400 - Okay? - Those fuckers. 64 00:02:33,478 --> 00:02:34,879 God, can't we just take 'em out? 65 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,520 Is Jack Ruby still alive? 66 00:02:36,599 --> 00:02:39,039 Ma'am? You need to decide your first international visit. 67 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:41,560 It's not gonna be Canada, and I wanna get rid of Leslie Carr. 68 00:02:41,639 --> 00:02:43,079 She has no fucking energy, ironically. 69 00:02:43,159 --> 00:02:45,599 It has to be Canada. Always is. Otherwise they sulk. 70 00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:47,159 Listen, let 'em sulk. I mean, who's gonna notice? 71 00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:49,400 - I wanna go to Brazil. - Did you say Leslie Carr, ma'am? 72 00:02:49,478 --> 00:02:51,918 Yeah, I said Leslie Carr. Hey, uh, Gary? 73 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:53,719 I need a protein-- Where's Gary? 74 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:55,800 Oh, my God. We left him in New Hampshire. 75 00:02:55,879 --> 00:02:57,280 Um, do you know how to get a protein bar? 76 00:02:57,360 --> 00:02:59,680 Yeah, that's what I need. Can you-- I don't know who that is. 77 00:02:59,759 --> 00:03:02,520 God, there's so many people in here. It's like a Mormon orgy. 78 00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:04,759 The presidential staff is merging with our staff, ma'am, so... 79 00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:06,479 Why is my coat like this? 80 00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:09,439 Oh, Sue. When are we moving into the Oval Office? 81 00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:11,120 - SUE: Three days' time, ma'am. - I wanna get a meeting 82 00:03:11,199 --> 00:03:12,800 with Jim Marwood and Mary King right away. 83 00:03:12,879 --> 00:03:14,280 - Set that up. - Yes, ma'am. 84 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:16,439 Great idea, ma'am. Reach across the aisle immediately. 85 00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:18,400 Right. It's very presidential of me, don't you think? 86 00:03:18,478 --> 00:03:19,960 Absolutely. 87 00:03:20,039 --> 00:03:22,759 - You're not turning into a yes-man? - Yes, you're right. I'm not. 88 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:24,800 Ben. Where did Ben go? He was just here. 89 00:03:24,879 --> 00:03:26,280 - Ben? Ben? - Yeah? 90 00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:27,759 - Here, boy. Come to me. - Sure. 91 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:30,240 - Then, could you guys get out of here? - Sure. 92 00:03:30,319 --> 00:03:32,240 BEN: Do you want me to tell you which of those two to fire? 93 00:03:32,319 --> 00:03:34,759 Kent. Just kidding, Kent. 94 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:43,520 Wow, I didn't expect it to happen like this, right? What if I'm not ready? 95 00:03:43,599 --> 00:03:45,719 You're gonna be fine. Were you having fun out there? 96 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:48,280 - Yeah. - Those-- you know-- boom, bang, bam-- 97 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:50,960 Well, it's just gonna be so much fun. It's gonna be DEFCON fun. 98 00:03:51,039 --> 00:03:53,639 And I want you to be my acting Chief of Staff. 99 00:03:53,719 --> 00:03:55,120 What? 100 00:03:55,199 --> 00:03:59,680 Yeah, I need all your experience, buddy. 101 00:03:59,759 --> 00:04:02,560 - Don't ask me that. - But I am asking you that. 102 00:04:02,639 --> 00:04:04,479 It just destroyed me. 103 00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:06,960 I mean, I was bulimic the whole first year 104 00:04:07,039 --> 00:04:09,439 and I didn't even lose any weight from it. 105 00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:12,000 No, you weren't. None of that is true. What are you talking about? 106 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:15,039 You told me you'd midwife me through this campaign. 107 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:16,519 - Do you remember that? - Yeah. 108 00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:19,720 So, guess what? I am 10 centimeters dilated. 109 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:21,360 I'm fully effaced. 110 00:04:21,439 --> 00:04:23,480 I mean, this presidency is crowning. 111 00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:26,079 I need you. 112 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:28,519 Ben, I swear to sweet Jesus Christ, 113 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:31,240 if you don't do this, I'm gonna bring back Prohibition. 114 00:04:34,439 --> 00:04:35,879 FEMALE COMMENTATOR: In my opinion, this is a very smart move... 115 00:04:35,959 --> 00:04:38,279 MALE REPORTER: Ben Cafferty continues in his role as Chief of Staff... 116 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:41,680 MALE REPORTER #2: ...he's so Washington, his blood type is DC. 117 00:04:41,759 --> 00:04:44,360 MIKE: And so to recap, after her inaugural address, 118 00:04:44,439 --> 00:04:48,079 the incoming president will convene the National Security Council 119 00:04:48,159 --> 00:04:49,800 and then meet with the Joint Chiefs of Staff, 120 00:04:49,879 --> 00:04:51,839 her cabinet, and congressional leadership. 121 00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:53,319 AMY: Okay, who's in charge here? 122 00:04:53,399 --> 00:04:54,800 Clue-- it's me. 123 00:04:54,879 --> 00:04:57,159 So with our candidate distracted 124 00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:59,399 by being President of the United States... 125 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:01,519 ( CHEERING ) 126 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:04,399 ...we need each and every one of you. Thank you for interrupting your studies, 127 00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:06,639 your start-ups, your retirements, your federal sentences. 128 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:08,399 The Iranian Council of Ministers is asking 129 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:10,480 what would be a good time for the president to call? 130 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:13,680 Wow, that is unprecedented. 131 00:05:13,759 --> 00:05:16,800 Also, we have to schedule calls for the UK prime minister, 132 00:05:16,879 --> 00:05:18,279 for China, and for the Vatican. 133 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,319 It's like a Google Maps of ass-kissing. 134 00:05:20,399 --> 00:05:22,439 This is an historic moment. 135 00:05:22,519 --> 00:05:25,360 I'm not talking about this first female president thing. 136 00:05:25,439 --> 00:05:28,560 I'm talking about the first redhead press secretary. 137 00:05:28,639 --> 00:05:30,240 ( LAUGHING ) 138 00:05:30,319 --> 00:05:32,639 Big crowd today. Something important happen that I'm missing? 139 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,759 Oh , we're in the White House. 140 00:05:34,839 --> 00:05:37,319 ( LAUGHING ) 141 00:05:37,399 --> 00:05:39,720 MIKE: Any questions? You know what, I'll do the first one myself. 142 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:42,560 Uh, "Mike McLintock, why are you so darn handsome?" 143 00:05:42,639 --> 00:05:44,560 ( PRESS CORPS LAUGHING ) 144 00:05:44,639 --> 00:05:47,000 Uh, why are you laughing at that one? 145 00:05:47,079 --> 00:05:50,079 Now let's work hard and win this puppy, yeah? 146 00:05:50,159 --> 00:05:51,560 - ( ALL CHEER ) - All right. 147 00:05:51,639 --> 00:05:53,839 - Hi-- oh, hi. - Hi, hello, again. 148 00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:55,879 - Remember us? - Please remind me of the names. 149 00:05:55,959 --> 00:05:57,439 - Kelly. - Richard Splett. 150 00:05:57,519 --> 00:05:58,920 - That's right. - I had a camera. 151 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,319 - We just got here. - Yeah, I saw the bat signal. 152 00:06:01,399 --> 00:06:05,360 "Dynamic Duo" came in. That's Batman, Boy Wonder-- 153 00:06:05,439 --> 00:06:07,519 young-- Lady Wonder. 154 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:09,199 Yep, we are grateful to have you, so thank you-- 155 00:06:09,279 --> 00:06:11,680 - What should we do? - We can hit the phones real hard. 156 00:06:11,759 --> 00:06:14,399 Yeah, oh, I'll hit the phones until I have a sore throat and a hot ear. 157 00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:16,600 Yeah, you know, I tend to rock a hands-free myself. 158 00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:19,759 - That's great, then hit the phones. - Okay, great. Who should we call? 159 00:06:19,839 --> 00:06:21,759 Yeah, we really need, like, a list. 160 00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:23,279 - Ask your supervisor. - Yes, ma'am. 161 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:26,120 Absolutely. Uh... who is our supervisor? 162 00:06:26,199 --> 00:06:28,920 You know, we can find that on our own. Yeah, I can-- That's easy to find out. 163 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:32,759 - Mr. Egan. - Sir. 164 00:06:32,839 --> 00:06:34,240 - How are you? - Fine. 165 00:06:34,319 --> 00:06:36,639 Wondering why you asked me to a meeting in here. 166 00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:38,399 I bring bad news to the closet. 167 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:42,040 That rumor that went around about Danny Chung engaging in torture in Iraq? 168 00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:44,360 - Yes, sir. - It's been traced to its source. 169 00:06:44,439 --> 00:06:45,839 The River Dan. 170 00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:47,759 - Who is saying this? - The "Post." 171 00:06:47,839 --> 00:06:50,159 You understand that you will need to resign? 172 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:52,680 Sir, look, I can find a solution, okay? Just-- 173 00:06:52,759 --> 00:06:55,000 Give you 24 hours? Like in a movie? 174 00:06:55,079 --> 00:06:58,360 No, I mean, yes. Please. 175 00:06:58,439 --> 00:07:00,439 You have six hours. We can't afford 24. 176 00:07:00,519 --> 00:07:02,000 Thank you, sir. I'm in your debt forever. 177 00:07:02,079 --> 00:07:04,680 Or for six hours, depending on how you do. I'll see you then. 178 00:07:04,759 --> 00:07:07,120 Alternatively, goodbye forever. 179 00:07:07,199 --> 00:07:08,839 ( DOOR CLOSES ) 180 00:07:10,319 --> 00:07:13,480 - Mike, how'd it go? - They fuckin' love me in there, Ben. 181 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:15,639 My bit about gun control killed. 182 00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:19,360 My bit about voter ID laws identified itself as hilarious. 183 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:22,399 Man, it's such an adrenaline rush. I am so pumped! 184 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:23,879 - Well done. - Thank you so much. 185 00:07:23,959 --> 00:07:25,839 You're welcome. And if you do another press briefing 186 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:28,319 on no sleep again, you're fired. 187 00:07:28,399 --> 00:07:31,079 Hey, Ben, Ben, Ben. You know how you told me 188 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:33,959 that Chung's unit in Iraq tortured that guy? 189 00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:35,439 I never said that. 190 00:07:35,519 --> 00:07:38,319 Yeah, you did. We had a beer and you told me that. 191 00:07:38,399 --> 00:07:40,159 No, you misheard me, Dan. 192 00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:41,879 Torture is a terrible thing. 193 00:07:41,959 --> 00:07:43,639 You know, I told you when I was telling you 194 00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:46,000 I wasn't telling you what I told you. 195 00:07:46,079 --> 00:07:48,279 The fuck stops here, Dan. 196 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:50,759 Fuck. 197 00:07:50,839 --> 00:07:53,480 JONAH: Look, Dan, I know you probably wanna gloat, 198 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,000 but I'm done with DC. 199 00:07:55,079 --> 00:07:58,000 So I'm gonna go to Africa and help install 200 00:07:58,079 --> 00:08:00,920 sewage systems in poor communities or whatever. 201 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,120 Or go to Wall Street, I don't know. One of the two. 202 00:08:03,199 --> 00:08:04,600 - I haven't decided. - Oh, all right. 203 00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:07,000 It's just 'cause, you know, we happen to have a position for you on our team. 204 00:08:07,079 --> 00:08:11,120 No fucking way! What? Oh, God. 205 00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:12,600 We just need you to deny to the press 206 00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:14,519 that the Chung torture rumor came from our office. 207 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:16,439 - So, you want me to lie? - Yeah. 208 00:08:16,519 --> 00:08:18,319 But, Dan... 209 00:08:18,399 --> 00:08:21,560 I've never told a lie in my life. 210 00:08:21,639 --> 00:08:24,040 That was a lie. Try to keep up, Egan. 211 00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:26,040 The rumor is the rumor came from us, all right? 212 00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:28,959 So you just say that you got it from the Web and the Web can't be trusted. 213 00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:31,079 - I can't do that. The Web made me. - ( PHONE RINGING ) 214 00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:33,639 I can't denounce it. That's like Peter denouncing Christ or worse. 215 00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:37,679 Hold on a sec. Hello? Dan Egan. West Wing. 216 00:08:37,759 --> 00:08:41,000 What's up, Rachel? How are you? 217 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:42,720 I would love to go for margaritas. 218 00:08:42,799 --> 00:08:45,639 Just to warn you, though-- I do like to lick the rim. 219 00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:47,320 Okay, bye. 220 00:08:47,399 --> 00:08:50,080 - Who was that? - Oh, uh, do you know Rachel Marsh? 221 00:08:50,159 --> 00:08:52,720 Red-hot Rachel from the Speaker's Office? 222 00:08:52,799 --> 00:08:55,039 "Three-pack-of-Kleenex" Rachel? Yeah, I know Rachel. 223 00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:58,799 What can I say? West Wing perks, buddy. So you in? 224 00:08:58,879 --> 00:09:00,480 - How much time do I have to think? - Two seconds. 225 00:09:00,559 --> 00:09:01,879 - I'm in. - Great. 226 00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:08,000 Sir, what are you doing in here? 227 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:10,759 - This is not your manhole. - I'm moving in. 228 00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:13,960 No, you're not. You need a bigger office-- that's far away. 229 00:09:14,039 --> 00:09:15,639 This is prime real estate. I couldn't be any closer 230 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:19,559 to the Oval Office if I had-- by some triumph of common sense-- 231 00:09:19,639 --> 00:09:22,440 - a desk actually in it. - I don't want your office next to mine. 232 00:09:22,519 --> 00:09:24,159 I do not want you on top of me. 233 00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:26,360 Well, I'm going to be. So, work with it. 234 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:27,840 Wait a second. What are you doing in here? 235 00:09:27,919 --> 00:09:30,799 This is my office. See? My calculator's on the desk. 236 00:09:30,879 --> 00:09:32,480 No, Selina said this is gonna be my office. 237 00:09:32,559 --> 00:09:34,600 You don't need an office. You have a bag. 238 00:09:34,679 --> 00:09:36,080 Okay, that's bullying. 239 00:09:36,159 --> 00:09:37,559 Well, why don't you take it up with the president? 240 00:09:37,639 --> 00:09:39,200 KENT: Why don't you call the Chief Justice 241 00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:42,080 - and get them both in? - And so it begins. 242 00:09:42,159 --> 00:09:44,159 Actually, it really does. We've gotta go. 243 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:45,759 - GARY: Oh-- - She's about to ascend. 244 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:48,600 FEMALE REPORTER: It will be a low-key swearing-in-- 245 00:09:48,679 --> 00:09:51,000 just a few people in a White House state room. 246 00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:52,480 There will be no pomp or ceremony... 247 00:09:52,559 --> 00:09:54,039 MALE REPORTER: In just 15 minutes' time 248 00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:57,120 America will have its first female president. 249 00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:59,879 ( CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING ) 250 00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:03,360 - I'm so proud of you, Mom. - Oh, honey bunny. Thank you so much. 251 00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:05,159 Couldn't have done it without ya. 252 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:08,159 What have I done to help? 253 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:10,399 Oh, you-- a million things. Are you kidding me? 254 00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:12,360 You know, just being there, and-- and being you... 255 00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:15,679 ( STAMMERING ) there... and all-- 256 00:10:15,759 --> 00:10:17,879 - Ma'am, are we ready? - Er, yes. 257 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:20,519 Would you place your left hand on the Bible and raise your right hand? 258 00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:22,759 "I, Selina Catherine Meyer, do solemnly swear..." 259 00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:25,960 I, Selina Catherine Meyer, do solemnly swear... 260 00:10:26,039 --> 00:10:27,600 "...that I will faithfully execute..." 261 00:10:27,679 --> 00:10:29,240 ...that I will faithfully execute... 262 00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:31,240 "...the office of President of the United States..." 263 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:34,240 ...the office of President of the United States... 264 00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:35,720 CHIEF JUSTICE: "...and will to the best of my ability..." 265 00:10:35,799 --> 00:10:37,200 SELINA: ...and will to the best of my ability... 266 00:10:37,279 --> 00:10:39,360 "...preserve, protect and defend the Constitution 267 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:40,879 of the United States..." 268 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,320 - ...preser-- - ( JINGLING ) 269 00:10:43,399 --> 00:10:45,879 protect and defend the Constitution 270 00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:48,799 - of the-- ...United States... - ( JINGLING ) 271 00:10:48,879 --> 00:10:51,279 - "So help me, God." - So help me, God. ( CAMERAS CLICK ) 272 00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:53,240 Congratulations, Madam President. 273 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,200 Thank you very much, Mr. Chief Justice. 274 00:10:55,279 --> 00:10:57,120 - ( APPLAUSE, CHEERING ) - Thank you. 275 00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:05,799 Ma'am...? 276 00:11:05,879 --> 00:11:09,080 - Dan! What the fuck is this? - What are you talking about? 277 00:11:09,159 --> 00:11:11,159 You've got me buried so far into the West Wing, 278 00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:12,639 I'm practically in Pyongyang. 279 00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:15,120 Jonah, you have a job in the White House, 280 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:16,639 all right? That was the deal. 281 00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:19,000 I publically denounced the Internet, Dan. 282 00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:20,840 Okay? Those are my people! 283 00:11:20,919 --> 00:11:22,679 I'm getting so much online hate. 284 00:11:22,759 --> 00:11:24,720 There are memes of me being burned alive. 285 00:11:24,799 --> 00:11:26,600 - Ooh, wow. - There's one of me fuckin' a chicken 286 00:11:26,679 --> 00:11:28,080 while dressed as bin Laden. 287 00:11:28,159 --> 00:11:30,279 The chicken is dressed as bin Laden or you're dressed as bin Laden? 288 00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:31,759 No, I'm dressed as bin Laden, Dan! 289 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:33,240 - ( CHUCKLING ) - And it's really well done. 290 00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:35,840 So it legitimately looks like I am engaging in bestiality 291 00:11:35,919 --> 00:11:37,720 while insulting 9/11 victims. 292 00:11:37,799 --> 00:11:40,440 - Oh, wow. That is-- that is tough. - I want a new deal. 293 00:11:40,519 --> 00:11:42,000 I wanna get closer to the action. 294 00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:44,159 I'm like a boom op on a porn shoot right now. 295 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:45,879 I'm sorry, man. But, you know... 296 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:48,919 I can't have a terrorist chicken-fucker next to the president. 297 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:51,480 Security risk. 298 00:11:51,559 --> 00:11:52,960 - GARY: Hey, ma'am? - SELINA: Yes? 299 00:11:53,039 --> 00:11:54,519 GARY: Do you remember that time in New York when you said 300 00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:56,639 that if this day ever came, you'd wear those special shoes? 301 00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:59,080 - ( CAMERAS CLICKING ) - Well, I've had them ever since. 302 00:11:59,159 --> 00:12:03,240 - Do you remember? - Uh... ( CAMERAS CLICKING ) 303 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:06,919 - Oh, uh... of course. Yes. - ( LAUGHING ) 304 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:09,639 - SELINA: That's so touching. - Isn't that cool? 305 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:12,240 Oh, you're like Prince Charming. ( CHUCKLES ) 306 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:17,440 - ( CAMERAS CLICKING ) - Perfect shoe for the perfect moment 307 00:12:17,519 --> 00:12:20,639 in the perfect life of a perfect woman. 308 00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:23,000 This is like Kathy Bates in "Misery." 309 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:24,480 Beautiful shoe for a beautiful-- 310 00:12:24,559 --> 00:12:26,120 - Okay, that's enough, though. - Okay. 311 00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,360 - Take it in. Enjoy the speech. - I will. 312 00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:30,679 You're gonna be great. 313 00:12:30,759 --> 00:12:33,519 This is so exciting. It's like a wedding or something. 314 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:35,759 Yeah, except there's no bridesmaids to fuck. 315 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:39,399 ( SQUEAKING ) 316 00:12:42,279 --> 00:12:44,120 ( SQUEAKING ) 317 00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:48,039 Oh, my God. 318 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:50,000 It's like she's walking on a carpet of mice. 319 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:52,399 DAN: Jesus Christ, Gary. Are those real shoes 320 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:53,879 or are those fucking dog toys? 321 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:55,519 Sounds like the theme from "Psycho." 322 00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:58,639 ( SQUEAKING SLOWS, STOPS ) 323 00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:01,600 My fellow Americans. 324 00:13:01,679 --> 00:13:03,600 The oath I have taken today is a solemn one. 325 00:13:03,679 --> 00:13:05,120 Excuse me, excuse me. 326 00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:09,200 - I stand before you, and before God... - Ahem... 327 00:13:09,279 --> 00:13:11,440 ( WHINING ) Oh, my God, you know better than that. 328 00:13:11,519 --> 00:13:14,200 You know better than that. ( SOBBING ) 329 00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:19,720 Ahem. 330 00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:24,639 You have not elected me as your president by your votes, 331 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:27,279 - but I ask that you accept me... - Are you seeing this on Twitter? 332 00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:28,840 Yup. "President squeaks to the nation." 333 00:13:28,919 --> 00:13:30,399 ...as your president in your hearts. 334 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:33,240 Thank you, and God bless America. 335 00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:35,240 ( CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING ) 336 00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:40,519 ( SHOES SQUEAKING ) 337 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:48,440 ( SQUEAKING ) 338 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:56,759 - Ma'am? That was amazing. - ( CAMERAS CLICKING ) 339 00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:58,240 - Amazing speech. - MIKE: Yes, it was. 340 00:13:58,320 --> 00:13:59,720 - Take these fucking shoes... - Yup. 341 00:13:59,799 --> 00:14:02,679 - ...and shoot 'em in the fucking head. - Yeah, I'm so sorry. 342 00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:05,679 Okay? Now... I am the most powerful person in the world. 343 00:14:05,759 --> 00:14:07,159 - Is that correct? - Yes, ma'am. 344 00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:10,039 Any fuckup from now on is not just a fuckup. 345 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:11,960 It's my legacy. 346 00:14:12,039 --> 00:14:15,399 Got it? No fuckups. 347 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:18,480 Ma'am? Uh, taking Leslie Kerr away from State 348 00:14:18,559 --> 00:14:20,960 has freaked the Iranians out. They trust him. 349 00:14:21,039 --> 00:14:23,360 No, wait a minute. Hold on. I didn't-- I didn't let anyone go from State. 350 00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:25,559 Madam President. You asked me to swap out 351 00:14:25,639 --> 00:14:27,039 Leslie Kerr. 352 00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:29,559 No! Leslie Carr! 353 00:14:29,639 --> 00:14:31,480 Carr! C-A-R-R. 354 00:14:31,559 --> 00:14:34,159 That bitch from Energy. Remember I made that joke 355 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:35,720 about she didn't have energy? 356 00:14:35,799 --> 00:14:39,720 Yeah, but her name is Leanne Carr, ma'am. 357 00:14:39,799 --> 00:14:41,600 Oh, fuck, it is. 358 00:14:41,679 --> 00:14:43,559 Oh, my God. Oh, shit! 359 00:14:43,639 --> 00:14:45,159 Oh, my God. What have you done to me, Kent? 360 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:48,519 - I'm sorry? - You should have questioned the name. 361 00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:50,919 I... should have. Yes. I apologize, Madam President. 362 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:52,919 Can-- can we say that it was just an error? 363 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,039 No, ma'am. The entire world would notice that. 364 00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:58,120 Yeah, it's terrible PR. You might as well drive a suicide clown car 365 00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:01,120 into the fucking Lincoln Memorial. Yes, I am still here. 366 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:03,080 Oh, my God. Is this gonna hurt us in the polls? 367 00:15:03,159 --> 00:15:04,720 I can't see how it won't. 368 00:15:04,799 --> 00:15:06,399 What does that mean? Is that a yes? 369 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:08,919 If you mean to say yes, then say yes. You're the fucking yes-man. 370 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:12,000 - Yes. - Okay, here's what you're gonna do. 371 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:14,799 You go to New Hampshire and you attach some electrodes 372 00:15:14,879 --> 00:15:18,200 to the corpse of my campaign, okay? I'm gonna stay here and I'm gonna deal 373 00:15:18,279 --> 00:15:20,200 with this Leslie Carr bullshit. - Leanne Carr. 374 00:15:20,279 --> 00:15:24,200 Okay, whatever the fuck. What man is named "Leslie," for fuck's sakes? 375 00:15:24,279 --> 00:15:27,360 Leslie Nielsen. Leslie Moonves. 376 00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:28,840 Leslie Frazier, the coach for the Vikings-- 377 00:15:28,919 --> 00:15:31,759 - Huh? - Doesn't matter. You're-- good speech. 378 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:33,519 Ma'am? Secretary Maddox 379 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,919 - would like a meeting, stat. - No. Stat. 380 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:39,240 - He's useless. He's a one-inch cock. - Got it. 381 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:41,080 All right. 382 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:44,399 Welcome to the White House. 383 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:46,639 FEMALE REPORTER: ...into the history books with a "squeaky-clean" speech. 384 00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:49,559 MALE REPORTER: ...relationship with Iran grows considerably more tense... 385 00:15:49,639 --> 00:15:54,440 MIKE: It was a mishearing which lead to a misspeaking which led to a misfiring. 386 00:15:54,519 --> 00:15:56,720 - Human error? - Yes, simple human error. 387 00:15:56,799 --> 00:15:59,200 - Which human? - Several separate humans, Sean. 388 00:15:59,279 --> 00:16:02,720 I mean, we all make mistakes-- just ask your mom and dad. ( LAUGHS ) 389 00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:06,080 Has President Meyer spoken to the president of Iran? 390 00:16:06,159 --> 00:16:07,759 I'm not able to, uh, answer that. 391 00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:10,960 Otherwise I'd have to have you killed. ( LAUGHS ) 392 00:16:11,039 --> 00:16:13,440 MALE REPORTER: Does the President believe this is a moment for levity? 393 00:16:13,519 --> 00:16:15,679 Uh... 394 00:16:15,759 --> 00:16:19,200 No, she-- she does not. Does not. 395 00:16:20,039 --> 00:16:21,440 REPORTER: Two hours in office and already 396 00:16:21,519 --> 00:16:23,480 President Meyer is making Iran irate. 397 00:16:23,559 --> 00:16:25,960 Imagine what she could do in 24 hours. 398 00:16:26,039 --> 00:16:29,960 Imagine Selina Meyer is the only person keeping your children safe at night. 399 00:16:30,039 --> 00:16:32,600 'Cause she is. Let's vote her out 400 00:16:32,679 --> 00:16:36,240 and make the Commander-in-Chief a Commander-in-Brief. 401 00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:39,000 - ( WHISTLES ) That is powerful stuff. - Makes you think. 402 00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,840 Decided to take a break from the phones. 403 00:16:40,919 --> 00:16:43,519 - Couple of rude calls. - It does hurt your feelings. 404 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:46,000 You know, "'F' this," "Shove your whatever into your what..." 405 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:47,879 I mean... 406 00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,559 I'm just gonna get some fresh air, we'll be right back to it. 407 00:16:50,639 --> 00:16:53,440 - I think they were deprived of fresh air at birth. - ( PHONE BEEPS ) 408 00:16:53,519 --> 00:16:54,919 Okay, Maddox is gonna withdraw. 409 00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:57,519 - How does this work for us? - He might endorse Selina, 410 00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:00,320 but... Jeff Kane was backing him. 411 00:17:00,399 --> 00:17:01,960 He could bring in the senior citizens. 412 00:17:02,039 --> 00:17:03,960 They only got one vote left in 'em, we need it. 413 00:17:04,039 --> 00:17:06,079 Do we really wanna push the Jonah's-uncle alarm? 414 00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:07,960 We have to. We just need bodies now, Amy. 415 00:17:08,039 --> 00:17:11,839 Warm, upright bodies that can still punch a hole in a card. 416 00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:14,160 Kent, your rhetoric, as always, is inspiring. 417 00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:16,279 I am calling Dan. 418 00:17:16,358 --> 00:17:18,118 DAN: Okay, Amy, yes. I'll find him. 419 00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:20,319 I mean, how hard can it be? 420 00:17:21,598 --> 00:17:23,200 Hey, Jonah. 421 00:17:23,279 --> 00:17:26,200 You know, buddy, I have been mean and I'm sorry. 422 00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:27,839 What kind of idiot do you think I am? 423 00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:30,160 - Is there a choice? - I only have one asset 424 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:31,640 that you would be interested in 425 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:33,319 and that's my Uncle Jeff's bucket of votes. 426 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:35,200 Great! So you'll get us Uncle Jeff? 427 00:17:35,279 --> 00:17:37,839 Oh... no, I'm just gettin' started. 428 00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:39,759 I want West Exec parking for the Cube, 429 00:17:39,839 --> 00:17:41,279 and I want mess hall privileges. 430 00:17:41,359 --> 00:17:42,960 No. That's-- that's impossible. 431 00:17:43,039 --> 00:17:45,160 Well, then you better "possible-ize" it, Dan. 432 00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:46,920 And I want somebody that works for me. 433 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:49,799 I want an assistant, a gopher, a servant. 434 00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:51,680 - Oh, you want a Jonah? - Yeah! I want a Jonah. 435 00:17:51,759 --> 00:17:53,480 - Mm-hmm. - And henceforth they will no longer 436 00:17:53,559 --> 00:17:55,920 be known as "Jonahs." They'll be known as... 437 00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:58,119 Jimmys or Pepes or Sarahs or whatever the fuck 438 00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:00,119 that person's name turns out to be. 439 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:02,359 And you can't hire anyone named Jonah. 440 00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:04,519 Okay? See, I'm on to you already. 441 00:18:04,599 --> 00:18:06,759 Shit! I gotta go. 442 00:18:06,839 --> 00:18:09,240 You know what? They should be called "Dans." 443 00:18:09,319 --> 00:18:11,039 Well, that was an awkward Cabinet meeting. 444 00:18:11,119 --> 00:18:13,119 Leanne Carr knows I definitely tried to fire her. 445 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:14,599 She found some fucking energy now. 446 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:16,079 How we doing with the office move, Sue? 447 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:17,680 - Two more days, ma'am. - Oh, okay. 448 00:18:17,759 --> 00:18:19,759 - Uh, ma'am? More shit just in. - What? 449 00:18:19,839 --> 00:18:23,039 Maddox and Pierce just publicly endorsed Chung. Meaning you could come in third. 450 00:18:23,119 --> 00:18:25,759 - Ma'am, shit just in-- - God damn it, I know. 451 00:18:25,839 --> 00:18:27,480 I can't be president and come in third. 452 00:18:27,559 --> 00:18:29,279 - We have to go to New Hampshire now. - Excellent idea. 453 00:18:29,359 --> 00:18:31,960 - I'll pack you up. - Maybe pack a squeaky coat. 454 00:18:32,039 --> 00:18:35,200 All right, call Amy right now and tell her I need a photo op or something. 455 00:18:35,279 --> 00:18:36,960 We need, like, a hospital or a school or a factory. 456 00:18:37,039 --> 00:18:39,240 - Okay. - Okay? Just not a hospice. 457 00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:42,400 I can't risk some fucker flatlining right next to me. 458 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,799 ( SIRENS WAILING ) 459 00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:47,119 DAN: Maybe Chung didn't torture that guy, 460 00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:49,440 but he sure is waterboarding the fuck out of us in the polls. 461 00:18:49,519 --> 00:18:51,519 SELINA: Jesus. If I come in third, this could be 462 00:18:51,599 --> 00:18:53,440 the shortest administration in history. 463 00:18:53,519 --> 00:18:55,960 MIKE: Yeah, like a Snapchat presidency. 464 00:18:56,039 --> 00:18:58,359 No, that won't happen. 465 00:18:58,440 --> 00:18:59,960 Isn't this plane amazing? 466 00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:02,160 BEN: Yeah, can we fly it into Danny Chung? 467 00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,359 SELINA: Okay, so what does Jonah's uncle want exactly? 468 00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:11,559 Long term? Medicaid task force and Social Security reform. 469 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:13,400 But for now we can give him a private 10 minutes, 470 00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:14,960 and, of course, a picture with the president. 471 00:19:15,039 --> 00:19:16,440 Oh, will he agree to that? 472 00:19:16,519 --> 00:19:19,839 - You're the president, ma'am. - Oh, my God. Right. 473 00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:22,119 All right, so as long as he can guarantee us 474 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:23,599 the blue hair ballots, right? 475 00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:25,359 No, ma'am, he's an AARP lobbyist, all right? 476 00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:26,880 He's got old people coming out of his ass. 477 00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,920 Haiku version, Jeff Kane will buy us some bodies. 478 00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:32,640 I want that polling place to look like an assisted living facility, okay? 479 00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:36,160 So we'll do the photo op. Gary? Hey, where is this photo op, Ame? 480 00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:38,400 It's at a factory that makes protective gear for firefighters. 481 00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:40,519 I think that's great, ma'am. Everybody loves firefighters. 482 00:19:40,599 --> 00:19:42,039 Everybody wants to keep them safe. 483 00:19:42,119 --> 00:19:45,400 Yeah, everybody wants to fuck 'em. God, I would love to fuck a firefighter. 484 00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:47,720 Hey, I'm the president. I can fuck anybody I want now, right? 485 00:19:47,799 --> 00:19:49,680 All the other ones have. 486 00:19:49,759 --> 00:19:52,400 I hope I can count on your vote. Can I? Yeah! 487 00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:55,319 ( CHEERING, APPLAUSE ) I can tell you're gonna vote for me. 488 00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,640 And you got a good beanie on, too. 489 00:19:57,720 --> 00:19:59,119 Now tell me what this is all about. 490 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,680 Now obviously the most important aspect of the suit 491 00:20:01,759 --> 00:20:04,920 - is the fact that it's-- - Fireproof? Is that right? 492 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:06,680 - ( ALL LAUGHING ) - I got an "A," good. 493 00:20:06,759 --> 00:20:09,759 She is so good at making people believe she is good with people. 494 00:20:09,839 --> 00:20:11,920 - She's doing great. She's on fire. - ( FAINT CHIMING ) 495 00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:14,079 A great advantage that she has over the other candidates 496 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,440 in this race is that she's the president. 497 00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:19,640 She's not the president. 498 00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:21,279 ...obviously gotta be fireproof. Can't be made of tissue paper. 499 00:20:21,359 --> 00:20:23,680 - Can't be made of cashmere... which-- - My apologies, ma'am. My apologies... 500 00:20:23,759 --> 00:20:25,160 - Yes? - This is very urgent. 501 00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:27,119 Oh, would you excuse me? I'll be right back. 502 00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:29,640 Just a second. 503 00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:31,279 - What? - We've gotta go back to DC. 504 00:20:31,359 --> 00:20:33,720 - Why? - You got the oath wrong, ma'am. 505 00:20:33,799 --> 00:20:35,200 You didn't say "preserve." 506 00:20:35,279 --> 00:20:36,960 - Yes, I did. - No, not really. 507 00:20:37,039 --> 00:20:39,759 You said "pre" and then Mike fell into the lamp. 508 00:20:39,839 --> 00:20:42,680 The Speaker insists that you take it again 509 00:20:42,759 --> 00:20:45,599 and that the oath isn't legal and that you're not the president. 510 00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:47,160 - ( HISSES ) I am the president! - I know, I know. 511 00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:49,759 I'm not going back to DC. I'm staying in New Hampshire. 512 00:20:49,839 --> 00:20:51,920 Get the Chief Justice to come here and do it. 513 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,319 No! I got a better idea. Get a local judge to do it. 514 00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:56,839 Wait, wait, wait. Isn't that gonna look just a little bit tacky? 515 00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:59,559 It's not like I'm trying to get sworn in by an Elvis impersonator. 516 00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:02,440 - Think about it. - No. That could be really great for us. 517 00:21:02,519 --> 00:21:05,440 Play up to New Hampshire's already inflated sense of self-importance. 518 00:21:05,519 --> 00:21:06,920 Exactly. I got it. I'm on it, yeah. 519 00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:08,519 And get Catherine, okay? 'Cause I gotta-- you know... 520 00:21:08,599 --> 00:21:10,000 ...have her hold the thing. 521 00:21:10,079 --> 00:21:12,160 - ALL: The Bible. - The Bible... yeah. 522 00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:15,079 Okay, God damn-- Ahem. Hi, sorry about that. ( CHUCKLES ) 523 00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:17,880 That's all right. Let's move on to the detachable inner portion 524 00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:20,200 of the suit, which is water-resistant... - Okay. 525 00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:22,279 Oh, because you're holding a fire hose. 526 00:21:22,359 --> 00:21:23,759 - Yes, I get it. - BEN: Madam President. 527 00:21:23,839 --> 00:21:25,240 - Yes? - I'm so sorry to interrupt again. 528 00:21:25,319 --> 00:21:27,359 - Sorry. - I'm so sorry. 529 00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:29,519 Gotta put out another fire over here, I guess. 530 00:21:29,599 --> 00:21:31,359 ( LAUGHING ) 531 00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:34,079 Shit. What is it? 532 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:38,240 Iran is officially pissed that you fired Leslie Kerr. 533 00:21:38,319 --> 00:21:39,839 Apparently they liked the guy. It must be the beard. 534 00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:41,319 What does "officially pissed" mean? 535 00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:44,000 Well, they made an official statement that could spook the markets. 536 00:21:44,079 --> 00:21:46,079 You know, spike gas prices. 537 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:47,640 You've gotta reinstate Leslie Kerr, period. 538 00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:49,680 No, we agreed that would be a PR disaster. 539 00:21:49,759 --> 00:21:51,640 So you'd rather piss off blue-collar truck drivers 540 00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:53,759 - and their chicken-frying wives? - Shh. 541 00:21:53,839 --> 00:21:55,359 We're surrounded by these people. 542 00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:57,200 Keep your voice down. 543 00:21:57,279 --> 00:21:58,880 Get him on the phone. 544 00:22:01,359 --> 00:22:04,640 Hi. Now I am all yours. 545 00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:06,359 Ma'am, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry to interrupt. 546 00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:08,480 - Yes? - Diane Appleby, a local federal judge, 547 00:22:08,559 --> 00:22:11,400 - is gonna be here in 15 minutes. - Okay, um-- 548 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:14,039 Sir, do you have a private room that we could use very briefly 549 00:22:14,119 --> 00:22:15,559 for some official White House business? 550 00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:18,400 - Well, I don't know. I-- - Perhaps your office? 551 00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:20,160 Madam President? Leslie Kerr. 552 00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:22,039 Excuse me. Leslie...? 553 00:22:22,119 --> 00:22:24,759 My office is being treated for black mold. 554 00:22:24,839 --> 00:22:27,079 You'd all have to wear protective masks. 555 00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:29,599 - Would that be a problem? - Yeah, it would. 556 00:22:30,599 --> 00:22:32,000 SELINA: Mr. Kane. 557 00:22:32,079 --> 00:22:35,839 I just want you to know that the AARP is very close to my heart. 558 00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:37,319 That's good to hear. 559 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,079 I am so pleased that we can count on your support. 560 00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:42,240 - Happy to help, ma'am. - And you know what I want to do? 561 00:22:42,319 --> 00:22:44,039 I want to do a photo with you 562 00:22:44,119 --> 00:22:46,519 after I'm done with this swearing-in business. 563 00:22:46,599 --> 00:22:49,799 And could young Jonah also be in the photograph? 564 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:52,160 - Sure. - Ma'am, can I say 565 00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:53,960 that I am just honored to be a part of your team? 566 00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:55,440 And that I will serve you faithfully 567 00:22:55,519 --> 00:22:57,160 as long as you happen to be president. 568 00:22:57,240 --> 00:22:59,599 - That's lovely. - Ma'am, the room's clear. 569 00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:01,079 The judge is ready for the swearing-in. 570 00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:02,599 - And Catherine's here? - I don't know. 571 00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:04,079 I think she must be stuck in traffic. 572 00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:05,559 I need her. She's gotta hold the Bible. 573 00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:08,599 - ( STAMMERS ) Oh, I-- I can do that. - No. 574 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:12,200 - I'm sorry I'm late. - Oh, my baby is here. 575 00:23:12,279 --> 00:23:14,119 My baby. 576 00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:17,359 ( CHUCKLING ) Gonna take this girl and get this oath all sworn up. Come on. 577 00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:18,920 I can't thank you enough for coming 578 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:21,119 - this last minute. - JUDGE: I was happy to oblige. 579 00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:22,799 Thank you very much. 580 00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:24,279 - Sorry to interrupt. Your Honor. - Yes. 581 00:23:24,359 --> 00:23:26,200 I'm just going to make the shot a little better. 582 00:23:26,279 --> 00:23:27,759 - Okay. - So... 583 00:23:27,839 --> 00:23:29,559 maybe here is good. 584 00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:31,720 Okay-- oh. Uh-huh. 585 00:23:31,799 --> 00:23:33,640 I, Selina Catherine Meyer... 586 00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:35,839 This is an historic moment. 587 00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:38,440 I mean, I like this one better than the first one. 588 00:23:40,799 --> 00:23:42,200 SELINA: ...the Constitution of the United States... 589 00:23:42,279 --> 00:23:44,440 It's good, you know? She's the people's president. 590 00:23:44,519 --> 00:23:46,160 This looks ordinary, it looks relatable. 591 00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:48,839 It looks horrible. She looks like she's in "Flashdance." 592 00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:51,400 They're gonna have a field day with that haircut. 593 00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:54,519 "Thai lady-boy made head of sweatshop." 594 00:23:54,599 --> 00:23:57,400 MALE REPORTER: Second time lucky for Selina as President Meyer... 595 00:23:57,480 --> 00:23:58,880 FEMALE REPORTER: Things are not looking good 596 00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:00,359 for Selina Meyer as New Hampshire makes its voice heard... 597 00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:03,279 FEMALE REPORTER #2: ...with victory now confirmed for Governor Danny Chung, 598 00:24:03,359 --> 00:24:05,000 it's a race for second place here in New Hampshire... 599 00:24:05,079 --> 00:24:08,319 I think that there were fundamental issues with the New Hampshire campaign 600 00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:11,119 and I just wish I'd have been here earlier to advise you. 601 00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:13,000 MIKE: Campaigns are a lot more difficult 602 00:24:13,079 --> 00:24:15,000 than experimental dance troupes, Catherine. 603 00:24:15,079 --> 00:24:17,559 ( SIGHS ) 604 00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:19,599 It's good we won Dixville Notch. 605 00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:21,599 It's got a population of 12, Mike. 606 00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:23,920 I know, Dan, but it's famous. 607 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:25,400 Our Lord Jesus started with 12. 608 00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:27,400 He didn't win New Hampshire, either. 609 00:24:29,599 --> 00:24:32,119 Look, Bedford hasn't come in yet. That's a big one. 610 00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:33,880 We take Bedford, we got a shot. 611 00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:36,440 - We lost Bedford. - Shit. Just now? 612 00:24:36,519 --> 00:24:38,880 - No, while you were sleeping, Mike. - I wasn't sleeping. 613 00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:40,720 - What about Durham? - The numbers are the same 614 00:24:40,799 --> 00:24:43,839 as the last time you asked me two minutes ago. 615 00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:46,519 What's going on? What are we hearing? Is there any news? 616 00:24:46,599 --> 00:24:48,480 Chung won. Right now we're just waiting to see-- 617 00:24:48,559 --> 00:24:50,559 Oh, wait. Greg at CNN is calling it. 618 00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:52,559 - Oh. Did I come in second? - Shit. Thornhill took it 619 00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:54,359 by one percent. You came in third. - BEN: Shit. 620 00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:57,160 Oh--! ( CAMERA CLICKS ) Delete that. 621 00:24:57,240 --> 00:24:59,039 In what world would that photograph work? 622 00:24:59,119 --> 00:25:01,799 It's one percent. That's nothing. 623 00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:04,400 I mean, you're basically second. You're second in our eyes, 624 00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:06,400 I'll tell you that much. 625 00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:09,680 CHUNG: Thank you, New Hampshire! 626 00:25:09,759 --> 00:25:12,279 ( CROWD CHEERING ) 627 00:25:12,359 --> 00:25:15,000 Thank you. I stand before you tonight 628 00:25:15,079 --> 00:25:18,400 not in triumph, but in humility. 629 00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:20,640 Not with a sense of entitlement, 630 00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:23,440 but with a sense of responsibility. 631 00:25:23,519 --> 00:25:25,920 - Sue? Are they ready for us? - You have voted for change... 632 00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:29,160 - Whatever-- I don't give a shit. Gary? - Yeah? 633 00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:32,119 - Come on! - Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. 634 00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:33,440 Yep. 635 00:25:53,839 --> 00:25:57,119 MIKE: I've got so many staples in this box. 636 00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:58,920 - GARY: Shit! - JONAH: I want a desk by the window. 637 00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:01,000 - Shit, shit, shit shit... - DAN: Yeah? 638 00:26:01,079 --> 00:26:03,680 - Promise to jump out of it? - Well, I'd be on the first floor, 639 00:26:03,759 --> 00:26:05,680 so that really wouldn't work, would it? 640 00:26:05,759 --> 00:26:07,319 MIKE: I guess I don't do a lot of stapling. 641 00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:08,799 JONAH: Asshole. 642 00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:11,000 GARY: Oh, come on, come on, come on... 643 00:26:11,079 --> 00:26:13,720 Excuse me, excuse me. Excuse me. 644 00:26:13,799 --> 00:26:16,079 AMY: Don't get too concerned about New Hampshire, ma'am. 645 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:20,720 SELINA: I came in third, Amy. Okay? Even the Nazis came in second. 646 00:26:20,799 --> 00:26:22,799 ( MUSIC PLAYING )