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My name is Happy Gilmore.
Growing up, I always wanted to be a hockey player.
But then 30 years ago, I picked up a golf club.
Turned out to be a pretty good decision.
And Happy Gilmore wins the 98th U.S. Open.
I got to marry a great lady named Virginia,
and we had a son named Gordy.
The wins didn't always come as expected,
but like Grandma always said,
sometimes it's better to be lucky than good.
Oh, Lord!
I made it!
Yeah, I was getting lucky in more ways than one.
He shoots, he scores!
And after our fourth boy in four years,
Virginia had an idea for an endorsement.
Trojan. Kids are great…
…in moderation.
What are you doing? Calm down!
I tried to get the boys into competitive golf tournaments…
Follow that.
But their hockey instincts were too strong.
Boys, stop! Come on, what are you doing?
Tiger Woods had a video game, so we did a Happy Gilmore one.
But I think the computer guys made it a little too realistic.
You've had enough.
Anyways, the boys loved how violent it was,
but it made my little girl nervous.
That's right, we finally had a little girl,
sweet Vienna, Mommy's new best friend.
Oh, and I hosted Saturday Night Live a few times. That was nice.
The Spice Girls are here!
Maroon 5 is here!
The Weeknd is here! So stick around, we'll be right back.
Yeah, we had it all, so I told Virginia…
We should just retire so we can hang out with the kids all day.
We're not done with golf, Happy.
And golf's not done with us.
It's like Chubbs used to say. We've only just begun.
Hmm.
Gordy!
Oh, come on, don't pee on the slip-n-slide.
Appreciate your time today. It's Mother's Day.
We honor all of the mothers who are watching.
Let's go real deep now!
But in golf, even when you're at the top of your game…
you can always shank one.
Uh-oh.
After the funeral, I decided I would never pick up a golf club again.
I was now a single father of five children.
There was really only one thing I could do…
I'd never been a big boozer,
but alcohol was the only thing that helped me
to forget what I'd done to the sweetest woman I'd ever known.
-Oh, one more thing… -It's no good.
The money.
Give me the…
No, no, dude! Come on, man.
See, Virginia always handled the finances,
so without her, a lot of stuff fell through the cracks.
Should I smash the window?
Then I caught some guy trying to break into my Ferrari.
Hey, can you hold my beer?
Yeah.
The guy wasn't a thief, he was a repo man.
Can you let me explain?
Turns out I didn't know I had to renew the lease.
The big baby sued me, and I lost everything…
including Grandma's house, which was devastating.
The boys had to move into an apartment together,
and me and Vienna found a new place that was affordable.
It's not the best neighborhood, but it's walkable to my new job.
Gary, can you pick up in section 2?
Happy Gilmore. Oh, my God, I'm such a massive fan.
Okay, bro, what can I help you with?
You ever hear of Maxi Sports Drink?
I think that's aisle four.
No. It's my company, I own it.
I'm Frank Manatee.
My real passion is this cutting-edge golf project that I've been working on.
I don't golf no more, brother.
Cucumber juice in there?
Sure.
Anyway, I figured maybe you would start golfing again
once you heard how huge this league was gonna be.
I wish you luck, but I'm not interested.
See, that's the thing. Nobody's interested in traditional golf.
It's a boring sport played by boring people.
They ain't boring, they're my friends.
You don't understand. You inspired this thing, all right?
And I love you, and I'd hate to see you pass this up
and have your life turn out worse than it already is.
I get it. Golf makes you tense, right?
Because the whole wife thing?
Get your skunk breath out of my face, or I swear to God--
Or what, tough guy? You're not gonna do a damn thing about it,
because if you lay one finger on me, you're going right to jail.
That's if I get caught.
Operations.
Hey, Linda, can you turn the security cameras off for 90 seconds?
Seven, eight. Fouetté, fouetté. Finish.
Great. Arms, fifth. Soutenu.
Fouetté, fouetté.
Arms, fifth.
Soutenu. Chaîné, chaîné.
And arabesque.
Look at that.
Daddy!
Hey, Vienna.
Oh, with the kicks! Hey. The Rockettes are here.
Glad you're home.
You were a clue on Jeopardy! Let me show you.
Really?
Okay. Hi.
Hi.
How'd my girl do today?
Great. Beyond great. She needs a better teacher than me.
-Look. -Yeah.
With his amazing long drives and hockey player's temper,
this golfer won the first of his six Tour Championships in 1996. Carter?
Who is Happy Goldberg?
Sorry, no. Ling.
Who is Happy Gudenstein?
Nope. Jana.
Who is Skippy Goldenbaum?
That is incorrect.
He is Jewish, but we were looking for Happy Gilmore.
At least he knew it.
I'm making your grandma's brisket for dinner.
The boys are coming.
Okay, good. Good, I can't wait.
What do you mean, a better teacher? Are you quitting?
No, but I work at the Boys and Girls Club.
She's light years beyond anyone else I ever taught.
So what? Where should she go?
The Paris Opera Ballet School.
Where's that? Around here?
It's in Paris.
They only have four slots open each year.
I sent them the videos of Vienna,
and they're saving one of the slots for her.
Is it free?
How much is it?
$75,000 a year.
I marinated the brisket in ketchup all day like you said Grandma used to.
Absolutely incredible.
You crushed it, Vivi.
Vienna, you're gonna have to make more. I'm starving.
Easy, Bobby. Make your own.
-Terry, how about I make you cry? -Are you freaking kidding?
Yeah! Strangle him! Use it!
Put the fork down! Not the fork.
We fight in the basement, not at the table.
-Sorry, Daddy. -Sorry.
It's all right.
How's work going, boys?
I gotta say, Pop, I'm loving the road crew.
I'm killing it at the car wash.
I'm going for Employee of the Month at the drugstore.
Whoop, whoop, whoop.
I've been keeping the sky safe at the airport.
Dude!
You guys wouldn't have to be working if I didn't lose all our money.
-We don't need no money. -Money's for snobs.
Everybody needs money to chase their dreams.
You guys didn't even go to college
because you thought you had to stick around here and keep an eye on me.
What are you talking about?
-…we got brisket, we got hockey here. -…we got food.
I'm just psyched you thought any of us could get into college.
He's not going to college.
That's what he was talking about.
It's a turn of phrase. Not saying--
Turn of phrase? You just said--
Say your phrase.
It makes no sense.
I know what it means.
You turn and you look at somebody and you say some--
Here, it's never ending Can't remember when it started
Pass around the lampshade There'll be plenty enough room in jail
If being wrong's a crime I'm serving forever
If being strong's your kind I need help…
I'm telling you now, I'm getting the waterbed.
What are you talking about? I shottied the waterbed.
-Enough out of you. -What?
You're on the floor. You popped the waterbed.
-Come on, let's go. -All right.
-Night, guys. Love you. -Thanks for coming.
Call me when you get there.
Wait a minute. How are there four of you?
Wait a minute. Who's steering? Gordy, don't steer with your feet.
Chips off the old block, huh?
Hey, Uncle John Daly.
Hey, Vienna, Happy.
Hey, pal.
I'm almost out of here. I just put a down payment on a tent.
Will you stop? I don't want you to leave.
Stay as long as you need to.
I appreciate you. You want to come watch Love Island?
I do, but I'm going to have a couple of nightcaps
and get some rest for work tomorrow.
Make that scratch, dog.
Absolutely. Good night, my brother.
Night, night. Love you.
Love you.
Oh, my God. I hope he marries her.
She going for it.
I should be putting you to bed.
Look, Dad, I know Miss Simon talked to you about dance school,
but don't even think about it.
When I was a teenager, I wanted to be on the Bruins.
This is your Bruins.
Except you know how to dance and I didn't know how to skate.
Did you know Mama was a great dancer?
Yeah, she was.
Get some sleep, Dad.
Yeah, she was something else.
Good night, Dad.
Good night, Virginia.
I can't believe that me in cheap lingerie
carrying two pitchers of Moosehead was your "happy place."
I'm sorry, Virginia.
Oh, sweetie, don't worry. I'm not here to judge your fantasies.
No, not that. I'm sorry about…
Killing me with a tee shot?
Come on.
You've apologized for that a thousand times.
Look, Happy, I know you're worried about the kids' futures,
but you've got to show them by example.
Let them see the Happy I fell in love with.
-I'm not that man anymore. -Mmm.
Okay. No, no, no.
-Please. -No, no.
Can you just hold on to that for a second, sweetie?
Honey, you'll always be the greatest, but you need some purpose.
So I'm gonna tell you what I always told you.
Okay.
You're not a hockey player, Happy.
You are a--
Hey, where you going with those clubs, punk?
Mr. Gilmore, I'm your caddie.
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
No, let me carry these.
They're my grandfather's. They're old.
You gonna hit that?
I don't know if I can, Johnny.
How are you gonna put Vienna through ballet school?
You know about that?
Of course. You know what else I know?
It's $75,000 a year.
That's four years. That's 333 grand.
That's terrible math, Johnny. It's 300 grand.
Hey, if you can get a discount, that's great.
But how you gonna make that cha-ching?
I don't know.
I thought I'd pick a few double shifts up at the supermarket. Maybe--
There's only one way you can make some big dollars fast. Grip it and rip it.
Johnny, I wouldn't even know where to start.
At the bottom.
Excuse me, I'm looking to get out there.
There's a threesome going out at 10:15. You can join them. Name?
Don't worry about it.
I won't.
Who was that? Grizzly Adams?
I don't know who that is.
Is it just us three?
No. Starter said a fourth is playing with us.
-We gotta play with some random? -Yup.
It's always some yin-yang who plays like shit and never shuts up.
Oh, man. Is that him?
He looks like he got a divorce four seconds ago.
Are you the one that's playing with us?
I think so, yeah.
We like to play quick, so try to keep up?
Got it.
-Let's get this party started? -Yeah.
-Yeah, let's get it started. -Whoo!
Oh!
-Whoo! Cart path! -Man!
-Nice one, Fitzy. -Hell yeah.
I will take that all day.
Yes, sir. You got this, girl. Get that shit.
Ha!
Gotta be happy with that, Sal.
-Top spinner. Just how I drew it up, boys. -Mmm-hmm.
Check this out.
Xanax arms, head still.
Oh!
-What the hell? -Holy shit.
Boom! Explosion!
That's my dog!
Mmm-hmm! Took a lesson at Golf Hut.
-It shows, Stein-man. -Uh-huh.
Man, I wish I was included in that.
-Boy. -He doing the Happy Gilmore swing?
My stupid uncle always tries that bullshit.
Swings and misses every time. Pain in my ass.
God. He rolled further than the ball.
Gonna be a long-ass day, my dudes.
Hell yeah!
Oh, eat a bag of--
Did you find your ball yet?
Yeah, I found it.
I'm just roaming around in here because I like poison ivy, you piece of--
Grandma!
Oh, choke on my dangling, wrinkly--
I don't know why, I get so intimidated in the sand.
The dude from Golf Hut said just flip it like a pancake.
-Flip that pancake, Sally. -Mmm-hmm.
Nice!
To the window, to the walls
To the walls
'Til sweat drop down my balls
'Til all these bitches crawl
'Til all skeet-skeet, motherfucker
'Til all skeet-skeet, goddamn
A-goddamn
Nice putt, dude. We'll put you down for a 12.
Yeah.
I think he thinks the tee-marker's the ball.
Told you.
Hey, DJ Khaled, maybe give the Happy Gilmore swing a rest?
Because it ain't working.
Yo, that is Happy Gilmore.
Happy Gilmore sucks?
Hey, can you call fore next time?
Fore!
Whoa.
Hey, man, at least it went in.
It did?
No!
Man, Happy Gilmore is such a joke. It's sad.
Still got to ask for his autograph, though.
My auntie used to cream her jeans for that fool.
Whoa!
Tell your aunt I'll sign her jeans for $300,000.
I guess I'm a little rusty, gang.
The Stein-man recently had a lesson at the Golf Hut.
Yes.
But I just, I haven't swung a club in ten years, so, sorry.
How about you, Chubbs?
You got any tips for me?
Relax, do what we talked about.
It's all in the hips, yeah, it's all in the hips!
It's all…
Oh, yeah. Ease the tension.
Oh. I miss you, baby.
My man having a wet dream we don't know about?
-Oh, my God! -Now that is some Happy Gilmore shit!
-Yes. Yeah. -Unbelievable!
I mean, I've hit some big ones, but that was a freakin' rocket!
It was, like, effortless, but still ferocious.
You got to teach me how to do that, dude.
Dude! Dude!
-Dude! -Dude!
Remember Happy Gilmore? He's making news on the golf course again.
And not the good kind.
He was apparently driving a golf cart while intoxicated last week
and struck another cart.
Stein-man!
Gilmore was arrested and charged with vandalism and driving under the influence.
Prosecutors agreed to suspend the golf-cart-related charges
on the condition that Gilmore refrain from any physical violence
and attend a radical alcohol treatment program.
Go Bruins!
He was also fired from his job at Stop & Shop.
Truly, a sad end for a sports legend.
Thanks for being with us today.
In 1996, you were arrested for inciting injury to persons or property,
conspiracy to commit vehicular manslaughter,
criminal menacing, and stealing a jacket.
At trial, you were found not guilty by reason of insanity
and remanded to this facility.
That was 29 years ago.
It feels like yesterday.
Twenty-nine years is a long time,
and so this board is inclined to grant you your release.
If we were to do so, what then?
Well, I'd want to give back to the community.
Especially the children who are, of course, our future.
And animals, also, who need to be snuggled,
and neutered with their permission, of course.
What about Happy Gilmore?
Oh, I would stay far, far away.
Far, far away from Gilmore.
What if you ran into him, say, on a golf course?
I'd wave or I could nod. That's also good.
And if he was wearing a gold jacket?
Incredible!
-Happy Gilmore wins the gold jacket! -No!
I would fill a pillowcase with golf balls and beat the piss out of him!
-I would tear the jacket off his back… -Guards.
…and shove it down his throat!
Bring this animal back to his cell!
That is my jacket! My jacket!
Shooter's gold! All mine! It's my gold…
Lunch? Benihana?
-Hell yeah. -Hell yeah.
Excuse me. Is this where the alcohol meetings are?
You're in the right place. How are you feeling?
Mmm, a little shaky.
First five days are rough.
Just get through today and your body will start turning the corner.
Thank you. And this is all on the down low, right?
Happy freakin' Gilmore!
I can't believe you be hitting the bottle too!
I guess Bessie didn't get the down low memo.
Yeah, that's all right. Where's the therapist?
He'll be here. He likes to make an entrance.
Mr. Gilmore?
Holy shit.
As I live and breathe. It is wonderful to see you.
How's Grandma?
Grandma? Passed away maybe 15 years ago.
Mmm. That's a shame. I know you loved on her so much.
Yeah.
Is that when you began abusing alcohol?
No, no. That actually started up after my wife got killed.
-Mm. It's always something, isn't it? -Mmm-hmm.
Okay.
Happy, why don't you come on up front?
We have a new member here.
Hi. I'm Happy and I'm an alcoholic.
Oh, we don't say alcoholic.
We're not scientists.
We're just people trying to get by. We say "alkie". Keeps it light.
Uh… I'm Happy and I'm an alkie?
Say it loud and proud!
-Hi, I'm Happy and I'm an alkie! -Ha-ha!
Celebrities. They just like us.
Except they got a lot more cash.
Now, Charlotte, last week you were concerned
about a musical festival you were to attend.
How'd that work out?
-Fine. It was a concert. -Mmm-hmm.
My friends were drinking and offering me drinks,
but I didn't have any.
But I bet you wanted that liquor something fierce, huh?
I mean, I was tempted, but…
I bet you would have kicked your own mother in the face
just to get a sniff of that liquor, wouldn't you?
Not really.
Charlotte, if we don't stop lying, we don't stop drinking.
Why won't you stop lying?
Because I'm an alkie?
And how does a degenerate, low-life alkie take the first step to recovery?
By washing your car?
Bingo! Three o'clock, Thursday?
I got the soap, you bring the rags and bucket, we make it a party?
-I'm sorry, I have a question. -Yeah?
What does the car-washing have to do with the no-drinking?
You're thinking. You're thinking.
Mr. Gilmore's up in his head when really he should be
listening to me and keeping his mouth shut.
This is a radical alcohol treatment program.
And the chief judge, my Uncle Dave,
he told me that I can do whatever I want with everyone in this room.
Check out the name tag.
You're in my world now, Grandma.
You're in my world now.
Oh, my gosh.
Welcome to the future of golf.
The greatest game just got a triple shot of adrenaline.
Experience the revolution of Maxi.
-Game over, regular golf. -Wow.
-Pretty great. -So good.
Yeah, it's something for sure. What is it?
-I mean, what are we seeing? -What is it?
So, basically, Maxi is a reimagining of golf.
It's golf for today.
Why is golf so boring and dumb?
Golf was invented 800 years ago, something like that.
I thought about it and I was like,
"If society could change,
how come the rules of golf have stayed the same?"
And that's why I created Maxi.
-That's deep. -Yeah.
The NBA, the NFL, the NHL, they offer the highest quality product.
-Wow. -And so does Maxi.
You're saying Maxi has the best golfers in the world?
Oh, my God.
-You doing okay, Frank? -I think I'm going to die.
That's what's up, but listen, gang,
how are you going to get these professional golfers
to play in this new league?
I've already got my golfers and they're the best.
You think they're better than the pros?
I don't think, Stat. I know.
You should think about talking to Happy Gilmore.
I don't know who that is.
-Yeah, tell that to the lobsters. -Mmm.
Johnny, what are you doing with those chicken wings?
They've been in the fridge for three weeks now, bro.
I just put this sauce on them. It gets rid of all the bacteria.
Hmm. I don't know about that, but good luck.
When you've done that, the TV remote.
Always wondered why that didn't work.
What are you doing on that contuder?
I'm looking for a job.
There's a new Dairy Queen around here. I think they're hiring.
You're not going to make $330,000 at no Dairy Queen.
You know what you got to do.
I tried the golf. The golf didn't work out. Cuckoo clock.
Grandma's cuckoo clock? That's sacrilegious, Daddy.
Yeah, I know.
You can't give up because of one bad round.
You had to at least hit a couple decent shots.
I think I hit one out of 117.
Yeah, next time you'll hit two
and then three, and before you know it, you're the best again.
I'm 58 years old, V.
Forget about being the best.
If you finish 30th in the Tour Championship,
-you make 100 grand, brother. -How am I going to finish 30th?
I lost to three idiots on a municipal course.
You were hammered.
Maybe you need to practice, Dad, like I do with dancing.
What else are you going to do, sober boy? You can't drink.
Hand sanitizer.
Let Uncle John take care of that.
This is hand sanitizer.
Gotcha.
-Were you Happy Gilmore? -Shh.
Um, do you want to try some clubs?
I do, yes.
Here, try the six iron. A lot of pros like it.
Yep, uh, that'll do.
He could picture the scene
Put his ear to the wall
No.
He heard one guitar…
To the right… Ooh!
Goddamn.
Hold my blanket.
Hold your blanket, all right.
All right, you want to load on the back leg…
Uh-huh.
-And then… -Yeah.
Okay, I'll… I'll handle it. Thank you. I appreciate it.
-I don't know what happened. -Just do your thing.
Go!
You got to be quicker.
What are you doing, Dad? Hey.
Sobriety is a journey, not a destination.
I believe in you, Happy!
Someday he's going to make it To the top
And be a juke box hero
Got stars in his eyes
He's a juke box hero…
"What my teacher didn't understand, what she couldn't understand,
"is that I only cheated on the test
because my mother had yelled at me about the oatmeal cookies. Yet again…"
Oh, there he goes.
Nice even strokes. Thank you, Charlotte.
Good. Finish the louvers, then do the borders.
Yes, sir.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Vienna Gilmore.
Everyone else sucks and you know it! Let's go, V!
Like a trip through the past To that day in the rain
Come on, Happy!
And that one guitar Made his whole life change
Now he needs to keep on rocking
He just can't stop
Happy! Happy!
That boy has got to stay on top
Happy! Happy! Happy!
He's got stars in his eyes
-Juke box hero -Got stars in his eyes
Boot!
Come on, baby! You're back! Let's go.
Do you mind?
I'm sorry.
What the hell are you doing?
I'll take off. Have a good day.
Go back to your mobile home.
Got you a little something, Pop.
What? What is it?
"Thirty days sober! Congrats, Daddy!"
You paint my house, brother.
Get him on the ground!
We'll put a little extra into this one.
Happy! Happy! Happy!
I am so sorry. I did not mean to do that.
Juke box hero
Damn you, Happy Gilmore!
I put a thermos of coffee in your passenger seat, Dad, and a protein bar.
I love that. Thank you, Vivi.
You gonna bring back another gold jacket?
Don't be disappointed if that doesn't happen.
Just looking to get in the top 30.
But that gets you enough money to send Vienna to dance school.
You gotta do it. One of us kids has to amount to something.
What are you talking about? You're all something.
Something to me. Get in here. Love you guys.
This is the first time you're gonna be far away from us since Mom left.
We can FaceTime Dad every day. It'll be okay.
-Yeah, day or night. You hear me? -Yeah.
And I'll be back Sunday to see you goons. I promise you.
Hopefully with one of them big checks.
Hell yeah, Dad. Let's go.
Make sure John Daly doesn't sleep in my bed.
If he does, no M&M's. Okay?
-Got it. -Got it.
Arnold.
Jack-o.
Tiger.
SpongeBob?
What is that?
What's with the beaver teeth?
The truth can hurt sometimes.
-Oh, my goodness. Dougie boy! -Happy!
I missed you, bro. How's everything been going?
Oh, it gets harder every year, Happy.
How's it getting harder? I'm not around.
Yeah, honestly, the Maxi Golf League.
The Maxi… I saw a commercial for that. It looked stupid.
-Well, supposedly, it is faster-paced… -Yeah, yeah.
…and our biggest sponsors are suddenly slow to call me back.
I got a bad feeling about this.
We got the greatest golfers in the world. That's what people want to see, the best.
Manatee says his guys are better.
There's only one way to find out.
Challenge him. People would love to watch that.
Wow! Virginia really rubbed off on you.
We had five kids together.
She rubbed off on me all the time,
and I just laid there like a sack of potatoes.
As charming as ever. Hey, just get inside.
The guys are excited to see you.
Would you at least get Invisalign for that thing? Thank you.
Hey, Happy, you gonna finish off that blueberry jubilee?
Oh, God. Freddy's still snaking everybody's dessert? Okay, you got it.
Thank you. Cheers.
I'm so happy to be with you. Look forward to getting out there.
You gonna play tomorrow?
Why, you guys aren't playing?
Happy, these kids are 20, 30 years old.
We're old and stiff.
We're old, but we're still cool.
You guys taking aspirin before you get out there?
I'm popping them like Tic Tacs.
I grind them in my applesauce.
I used to be able to play 72 holes without breaking a sweat.
Now it takes me ten minutes to get out of this chair.
Yes?
Do you mind grabbing me a half iced tea and half lemonade?
Arnold Palmer.
No, Jack Nicklaus, but I do get that a lot.
Fantastic. Be back in a jiff.
Happy, what gives with the comeback attempt after all these years?
Well, I'm out of cash.
My daughter has an opportunity to go to this ballet school in Paris, so…
Happy, I've known you for 30 years.
You're like a son to me. How much you need?
300 grand.
Good luck tomorrow. Hit 'em straight.
-Excuse me, pal? -Yes, sir?
I asked for a Tanqueray and tonic, but they gave me Bombay instead.
I'm the busboy, sir. Sorry. I will get you a server right now.
Uh, do you want some bread?
No, just the right booze, thanks.
Okay.
I think I rattled him.
Hey, Happy, whatever happened to that guy, uh, Shooter McGavin?
I believe he's still in an institution, Jack.
Wasn't he friends with O.J.?
Well, they used to vacation together. I don't know if they were friends, but…
This guy's losing it.
What are you doing here? It's quiet time.
You suddenly got some very powerful friends, McGavin.
This is a court order for your immediate release.
Excuse me? Gentleman would like new gin and tonic.
He said Bombay, no Tanqueray.
You told Spiethy that was on me, man?
No, no.
You threw me under the bus. So you could be the hero?
No. I… No.
You stabbed me in my back. That's what time it is?
He just, he just said…
I can't work like this, man. Watching my six all day, every day.
I just wanted to help. I offered bread.
You mess around, you find out.
You're fired.
Fired?
Hey, pal. Yo. You think you were a little harsh on the dude?
Sorry you had to hear that, Mr. Gilmore.
You don't know the backstory. Mr. Couples? More blueberry jubilee?
Nah, I'm okay. Maybe one more.
Yeah. Back in two.
Yackety-yack, don't come back.
Whoo!
Ah!
Shooter McGavin. I'm such a massive fan.
Gentlemen, thank you for being here at the Tour Champions Dinner.
That's what she said.
I'm not sure that made sense, X.
Every time our sport has overcome a challenge, we have come out stronger.
Today's challenge is the Maxi Golf League,
who allege that they are going to make golf more watchable.
That's what she said.
-Great joke, Mr. Schauffele. -Thanks, buddy.
I just got off the phone with the president
of this new league, Frank Manatee,
and I challenged him to a competition.
Frank accepted that challenge and then farted into the phone.
He did what?
What's the competition?
Our five best players versus his five best.
Make it our five worst. It doesn't matter. We're gonna smoke them anyway!
-Whoo! -Yeah!
Now, I know that you all want the honor of kicking their ass.
-Yeah! -So how about this?
Top five finishers this weekend represent us in the challenge.
All right. Let's go.
That's what she said.
Gentlemen, by showing the world our dominance,
we will eliminate this league before it even officially launches.
Let's go!
And now you've got something else to play for, Happy.
Yeah! Yeah!
Gosh. I think there's a fork in my ass.
Now that's what she said.
Yeah!
The sun is shining. The greens are shimmering.
What a day to play some golf.
Welcome to the big one, the U.S. Bank Tour Championship.
I'm Verne Lundquist. Here, as always, with Jack Beard.
And the golfer everyone is talking about, Happy Gilmore.
-Looks handsome. -Yeah.
Gilmore returns after a ten-year absence.
Some of the guys set your locker up.
Bengay, Tums. Preparation H, yeah.
MiraLAX, always good.
And, uh, diapers. Now that's pushing it.
I know you never made it to the Bruins, Happy,
but maybe you'll make this five-man wrecking crew.
Oh, I doubt that, Tony. I'm actually just worried about making the cut.
Mr. Gilmore, Sergio told me
you forgot to bring a caddie to your first tournament. Is that true?
He said that? No.
Well, yeah, but still, I didn't know the rules back then.
That's insane.
Yeah, that was silly. Can't believe I would do that.
Hey, brother. Good to see you, man. So here's what happened.
My regular caddie moved to Switzerland for tax purposes,
so I'm kind of like, I got nowhere to go.
What do you say, you and me for old times' sake?
That's nice, Mr. Gilmore,
but I, unfortunately, I can't caddie for you today.
You're not still mad about the whole choking you thing, are you?
No, it's not that.
It's actually, I don't caddie anymore.
I, uh… I play now. We're actually playing together today.
I didn't know that, Blondie. All right, well, I'll see you out there.
I'll see ya.
Blondie.
My name's Will, and I'm still mad at you for choking me out, you son of a bitch.
We're minutes away from the start,
and Happy Gilmore is apparently breaking in yet another new caddie.
Uh, it's a club. Yeah.
Club. Oh, like the club sandwich.
Not the club sandwich. Okay.
Let's check in with our own Gary Potter,
who's with number one-ranked Scottie Scheffler.
Thanks, Verne.
Scottie, you have been on quite a tear.
My God. You're seeing the ball and the hole,
and the position of the ball and the hole… all good things.
Is there a question in there, Gary?
Scottie, if you're the best, does that make everyone else the worst?
I'm just gonna go warm up.
Always great catching up with Scottie. Back to you, Verne.
Thanks, Gary.
The threesome of Justin Thomas, Will Zalatoris,
and Happy Gilmore is about to tee off.
Ooh.
Nice. Nice bang, JT.
Pressure's on with Happy watching.
My family loves you.
I'm actually rooting for you. I gotta stop.
No. Keep it coming. I need all the love I can get.
Gotcha.
Now on the tee, Zalatoris, Will.
That's your name?
"That's your name?" What an idiot.
I'm a little intimidated. All these guys hit it big now, you know?
Do you need a water refill? Any breadsticks?
No. Maybe I'll go to my happy place.
Okay. I will be here.
It's not working. I don't drink beer anymore.
Good.
Now on the tee, Gilmore, Happy.
Welcome back, Happy!
Golf fans around the world are excited to see Happy Gilmore again,
but at 58 years old,
I'm not sure even Gilmore thinks he can compete with today's best.
Hey, Happy!
I guess I need to update my happy place
to something a little more age appropriate.
Whoa!
You can do it!
Yeah.
Okay.
Thank you, Happy!
-Let's go! -Let's go!
Never did that before. Thank you, man.
Okay, well, let's get-- All right, we're going to go.
-But you bring those. Those always come. -Oh.
All right? That's it, that's it.
I'm sorry.
No, no. They got a strap if you want to use the strap.
A snake! Get it off me, god damn it!
Get the snake!
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Goal! Yeah, baby!
Come on, Happy!
Man, I don't drink.
How about some coffee?
That I can do! Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
Chug, chug, chug!
Yeah!
Yeah! Let's go! Yeah!
Holy shit!
Still the man, Happy!
It's my kids. Sorry, everyone.
-Good to see you, boy! -There they are.
Daddy's on the tee… Wanna see Daddy drive the ball?
Please, dear. Thank you. All right, boys. This is for you.
Whoa!
Oh! Daddy got a hold of that one.
What are you doing?
Gordy! You got to see a doctor about that!
Happy! Happy! Happy!
Entering day two and feeding off the fans' support,
Happy Gilmore has jumped into the top ten.
Oscar. Where were you? Who's this?
Oh, he's Esteban, my caddie.
-Okay. -Steven.
Steven, nice to meet…
No. You don't get a caddie. Caddies don't get caddies. I'm sorry.
No? Can he play?
What do you mean… He's not…
This is the pro tournament. I'm sorry. He's gotta go.
Happy Gilmore! Okay, got it. Okay.
All right. Ciao. Adiós.
He took his hat.
All right, go!
Okay, we got to play, man. Let me have the driver.
Oh, damn it.
Wait! Please!
Now he gets it.
-Happy! Happy! -That was the shot.
Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
And heading into Saturday, two shots back.
The comeback kid, Happy Gilmore.
Good shot, Happy!
Happy! Rules!
Happy! Happy!
Guys, what are you doing? I'm trying to watch your dad play golf!
-Guys, we can't hear! -Come on, guys.
No one could have expected this.
Happy Gilmore.
From off the couch to the top of the leaderboard.
And what was supposed to be a nostalgic footnote
has turned into one of the best three rounds anyone has ever seen.
The thing is, if I go for this and miss the cup,
it's going to roll right off the green, so… yeah.
-Okay, I see. -Yeah.
What's a green?
Green? Know what? Don't worry about that right now.
What I'm looking for is some positive energy, you know?
Can I help?
Actually, you can. Remember the happy place I went to?
-Yes. -You go to yours.
Okay, I'll try.
What's up, man?
What do you got there? Honey?
What is this? What is this?
Is this about the job? Come on--
Let's-- That's-- Come on, man.
Oh, no. Not a bear. Not a bear.
Goddamn you, busboy!
-I'm happy now. Hit the ball. -Yeah.
Yes.
You were thinking about a bear eating that waiter, weren't you?
Yes.
-I thought so. Was there honey involved? -Un poquito.
I love it.
Come on, Happy.
Oh, no. I don't see that one stopping.
Wait a minute.
Zalatoris' ball marker to the rescue!
Yeah, Blondie!
And the fairy tale continues.
Happy Gilmore has somehow turned back the hands of time.
-No. Not again. -Come here. Come on!
We gotta do it!
Oh!
I love it! Yeah, Oscar! Whoo!
Less than two months after hitting rock bottom
in a drunken golf cart crash,
Happy Gilmore is 18 holes away from a seventh gold jacket.
The only possible conclusion is that
Happy Gilmore has reached an agreement of some kind
with Satan, a.k.a. the Devil!
All right. Let's go! Happy!
-Good job, Mr. Gilmore. -What's up?
In the zone today. Man.
We were putting. We were doing okay. A little luck involved.
Hey, Mr. Gilmore. Billy Jenkins.
-Hey, nice to meet you, Bobby. -Billy.
Billy was on fire today. I was like, where did that come from?
Had the best round of my life. I'm in second place.
You and me play tomorrow.
You're kidding. Look forward to that.
I've never been in the hunt. It's a dream come true.
You're going to love it. You get in the top five,
you get to play against those buffoons from the new league.
What's up with that tool starting that league?
The guy came to see me to talk about it.
He had the worst breath I've ever smelled in my life.
Like somebody died in his mouth
or a donkey took a shit there or something…
It was not good. Anyways, I got to get to a meeting.
Love you, Bubba. David, good to see you.
It's Billy.
So, in summary, I am no longer allowed to purchase magic markers
in the state of Connecticut.
I am Nate, and I am one day sober.
Nate, you're an example to us all.
What?
Before we finish, I'd like to say a few words
about the remarkable achievement of our brother, Happy.
We've been watching you play, Mr. Gilmore. So inspiring.
Yeah! Happy Gilmore, making Black people like golf again.
That's right, Bessie.
I just hope Happy's able to continue to play as well tomorrow.
Tomorrow being of course… Oh…
Mother's Day.
Welcome to the final round of the Tour Championship.
Here come your current leaders.
Journeyman Billy Jenkins,
getting his first taste of success after an undistinguished career.
The only man in his way,
a golf magician named Happy Octavius Gilmore.
Octavius is his middle name?
Nah, but it sounds cool, doesn't it?
Wait a minute.
Can't wear shorts, Mr. Jenkins. It's a two-stroke penalty.
That's okay.
I don't want to be hot today. Makes my balls itchy.
Was that confidence or just pure stupidity?
Now on the tee, Gilmore, Happy.
Nice shot, young man.
Happy Gilmore will try to defend his eight-shot lead
on this glorious Mother's Day.
Gilmore was aiming right for some reason, and that's where it went.
A lot of holes left to play.
Yeah.
It's okay.
Mr. McGavin.
How'd you sleep?
This place… is amazing.
The pillows, the steam shower,
the free porn,
and these fluffy pancakes. Oh, my God.
What do you say you and I go on a tour
-and I show you what we're all about? -Mmm…
I'll make sure there's a fresh stack waiting for you when we get back.
All right.
Slippers on?
And why don't you throw on some underpants, too?
It's all right, Happy.
Hey, Happy. Remember me?
My dad used to be your boss when you worked in construction.
I'm truly proud of you.
Hey, thanks a lot, Mr. Larson.
Drago Larson. Little Drago Larson?
Hell yeah! My God!
I always felt bad about what I did to Daddy and the whole nail thing.
Actually, after he got it removed,
he kind of missed it, so he had it put back.
Oh, okay.
He passed away a few years ago.
I'm so sorry. What happened?
He rolled over in his sleep.
Oh, yeah.
At least I still have Mom. Every boy needs his mom.
-Yeah. -Happy have five kids, Mom.
Oh, tell your wife Happy Mother's Day.
His wife passed away.
Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
Why didn't you tell me, Jerko?
Mommy, don't hit me. Mommy, don't hit me.
Which club do you prefer, sir?
Let's go, Gilmore!
Give me… Let me have a wedge.
Let's go, Happy.
-Every boy needs a mom. -But we don't have one.
You got it, Happy.
-You can make it. -You got this.
Do it. Come on.
Oh!
I gotta go to the bathroom.
You came at a very special moment.
Change is in the air.
What change is that?
Golf. New and improved.
Gilmore must love all this.
I wouldn't know. Happy Gilmore's a broken man.
A broken man?
Yeah, ever since the loss of his wife.
Wait, Virginia Venit?
Is that what her name was?
Oh, man.
Fart recognized.
All right, come on in.
Our current leader, Happy Gilmore,
has been in the restroom for an unusually long time.
Let's play some golf.
Billy Jenkins is playing an inspired round.
Meanwhile, Happy Gilmore is struggling to keep it in the fairway.
Cart path.
Wanna sip of my 3-wood?
-No, gracias. -Okay.
You scratch it, I hurt you.
Thank you, Jesus!
Plenty golf to be played.
Happy, what does Mother's Day mean to you?
Can you suck my white ass, Gary? Just suck the entire thing?
Psycho.
Oh.
And it has all fallen apart for Happy Gilmore…
Happy's… wasted!
…who is staggering, literally, to the finish.
What I'm about to show you is the foundation of Maxi Golf.
An X-ray from 1957.
Who's Ben Daggett?
He's the only guy who could hit it farther than Happy Octavius Gilmore.
How come I never heard of him?
Well, he was a degenerate. Couldn't putt for shit.
Just drove around the country in the 1950s,
dominating long drive contests.
They say he could carry the ball 500 yards.
One day, one of the mobsters who he owed some money to
took a golf shoe and shoved it right up Ben's ass.
And that's where this X-ray was taken.
Do you see anything unusual here?
Well, there appears to be a shoe up his rectal region.
That's true. But see that?
That's the iliolumbar ligament. Why is it in two pieces?
Let me guess. Shoe up the ass?
-No. -No?
This happened much earlier in his life.
Turns out Daggett severed it in a childhood go-kart accident.
The separation of the ligament from when he was a kid
increased Daggett's range of motion in his hips,
dramatically improving the amount of torque
and club speed that he could generate.
That's why he could hit it so far. Because of the shoe.
Will you stop with the shoe? We're done with the shoe.
It was a go-kart accident that severed the ligament
and turned him into a long-ball-hitting freak.
And all those golfers outside?
We snipped their iliolumbar ligaments, too.
That's cheating. Who would agree to a surgery like that?
Journeymen… who were good enough for the pros
but could never figure out how to beat the legends.
It's all in the hips, Grandpa. It's all in the hips.
Shooter, I want you to be the captain of the Maxi team.
Hmm.
-Thank you so much. -Absolutely, Mr. Manatee.
Pancakes next time.
And I haven't even showed you the best part yet.
18 holes? Boring.
We do seven holes.
Slow play? We got shot clocks.
My God, this is obscene.
It's a lot to take in. I get it.
I will never have anything to do with this…
This abomination.
You know, Shooter, it wasn't very easy to get you released.
But it'd be pretty damn easy to get you recommitted.
Yeah?
Damn, that's hot.
-I was told you liked it hot. -Do you?
My eye!
Yesterday, Happy Gilmore had the entire sports world rooting for him,
and then he took all that good will and basically set it on fire.
-Go to your happy place! -No!
He also lost out on playing against the Maxi League
as he finds himself with a sixth-place finish.
And so it is Jenkins who will lead the five-man team
against the upstart Maxi League, or… so we thought.
Sorry to pee in your punch bowl, folks,
but I am actually a proud member of the Maxi Golf League.
Bye-bye, regular golf. Bye-bye.
That's right. Billy's part of a new league
where we hit longer, look cooler, and party harder.
And the best part is, our guys are "Maxi Good."
Give me the jacket.
My sources in the DA's office say
Gilmore's actions violated a plea agreement,
relating to his drunken golf cart crash earlier this year,
and that he only avoided arrests due to an ally causing a distraction.
Hey, Drago, you forgot your underpants, Jerko!
Gilmore is now facing six years in state prison,
but I hope the authorities will deliver justice to golf fans
by sentencing him to the electric chair, which at this point, he richly deserves.
Oh, Virginia, I'm sorry you're no longer with us.
You were a woman working in a man's league.
I bet that wasn't easy. Huh?
Yeah. I guess I should also apologize for asking you to get me a Pepsi.
Diet.
Gilmore.
Shooter McGavin.
Last time I saw you, you were running away in slow motion with my gold jacket.
That was my jacket!
Take it. I've got five others.
God! You would never have won them if I wasn't--
What? In the loony bin?
You stole my life from me.
Now, why would I want to steal the life of somebody
who eats pieces of shit…
-Oh, you… -…for breakfast?
Game over, bitch.
-Come on. -Okay.
-Let's go. -We're gonna fist fight?
-Want this? -Yeah.
You sure you want that? Come on.
Come here, now.
That was for you, Grandma.
I am so sorry I lost the house again.
-Truly. -Hi, Grandma.
Don't you ever talk to my grandma!
Come on.
Jackass!
That was round one.
We are done, son. You can tell everybody you won.
Should I put my hair in a bun just for fun?
And play one-on-one with Attila the Hun?
Oh, boy. That was good. Round two.
Okay. We're even.
Come on. You love this.
-Get up. Absolutely. -Thanks, man.
Okay. Hey. Are your hip ligaments cut in half?
I don't think so.
Anyone ever stick a shoe up your ass?
Not that I can recollect.
You realize these are strange questions?
Apparently, if a certain hip ligament is not attached,
you can hit the ball farther.
Oh. No. I always powered my drives the old-fashioned way. With rage.
Yeah.
You want to get out of these pajamas? I live around here.
Yeah, thanks.
Mister! Mister! Get me outta here!
They issued a warrant for your arrest, Dad.
Yeah, hide in the basement.
I should just turn myself in. Get it over with.
-We'll ask the lawyer when he gets here. -You hired a lawyer?
Okay. How do I look?
You look like my frickin' dad.
Yeah.
At least I'm not wearing that ridiculous Bruins jersey.
Uh-oh.
Okay.
Okay, get the door.
Mr. Gilmore. Mr. McGavin. John Daly.
Nice to see you again.
You're the lawyer? I thought you were the IRS guy.
I was, but I got tired of everybody hating me
and occasionally being thrown through a glass door.
You hate me, don't you?
-Right. -So, I went to law school.
You didn't want to be hated anymore, so you became a lawyer?
-That's funny. -Lawyers are snobs.
-Pieces of shit. -Pieces of shit.
Let's sit. Lots to talk about.
Let me just have a little shower…
This girl's got some body on her.
Hey, we do not objectify women anymore.
What?
Okay, great. Uh, looks like the DA has withdrawn the arrest warrant.
What?
Even though you appeared to some onlookers
to be inebriated at the tournament,
you weren't administered an alcohol test.
-And… I have better news. -Yes?
You came in sixth at that tournament.
That's right. I forgot about that. How much did I win?
Uh, $496,000.
-Oh, my God! -No way!
-No! What? -Holy shit!
Baby! Yay!
Now you're really gonna hate me.
The tour is fining you $500,000 for bad behavior.
So he lost $37,000?
No. It's $33,000, Dad.
It's $4,000, you buffoons. How is that good news?
Well, you came in sixth, but the winner, Billy Jenkins,
opted out of the tour team because he's playing for the bad guys.
So you made the team.
-Dad, that's great! -Whoa! Okay, Pop.
They don't want me. I'm a disgrace.
A freaking embarrassment.
Let's go outside, Dad, for a second.
Next.
Well, Shooter, due to Mr. Manatee's sworn statement,
you are now technically an escapee from a mental institution.
Welcome to the club.
Dad, it doesn't matter if you play for that team or not.
You have to stop drinking.
I did. It's just--
Just nothing. You gotta find peace somehow.
There's no peace. I…
The reason I joined that tour again
was to get you the future you deserve, and I lost $4,000.
You think if you made that money I could leave you like this?
It's not your job to take care of me. I told you.
-Of course it is. We're family. -You're stuck with us.
Yeah, come on, Dad.
I don't want you to be stuck with me.
You didn't do nothing wrong. It's me.
I think this person could help.
Hey, you gotta put a little mustard on that ball
so it doesn't get stuck where the pirate hide his, uh, uh…
booty and shit.
The hold?
Yeah, the hold. Get at it, kiddies.
-Thank you! -Are you Slim Peterson?
That's what they call me.
Your dad Chubbs was my teacher. My name's Happy Gilmore--
I know who you are.
Hey, you gotta hit it under the octopus and bank it off one of his leg things.
The tentacles?
Yeah, testicles. Now, what was you saying?
I need to talk to you for a few minutes.
Damn, mosquitoes. They everywhere.
-What… -Look at them.
Alligator?
No, vending machine. I didn't have enough change.
Had to reach up there to get my Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies.
Man, looking at you just reminded me of what I did to you.
What'd you do to me?
What I did to my own kids. Stole a parent.
Man, you gotta forgive yourself for that.
Don't want to.
I didn't want to forgive you either,
because it was easier to hate you
than to deal with the fact that my daddy wasn't coming back.
It's kind of like I was using hate to keep him alive.
But once I forgave you, I became myself again.
And that's who I knew my daddy wanted me to be.
You loved your wife. You loved my dad.
And they loved you, period.
You know what else they loved? Golf.
Oh, my God, yeah.
I talked to your little girl,
and she said you got a chance to save the whole sport
by playing against some clown league?
Yeah, well, why don't you go kick some bozo ass then?
Let's do it for them.
I am so sorry.
Boy, why you had to squeeze it like that?
I will throw these out. I can…
Give them here. I got some Gorilla Glue.
Yeah, love you, buddy.
Yeah, man, thank you for stopping by.
You know, we could use some help.
Oh, about time somebody recognized my genius. Say less.
Okay, okay.
Where do you think you're going, Slim?
I'm going to help save golf, Charley.
If you leave now, you ain't ever coming back, you big pork chop.
Damn straight I ain't never coming back, you fine-ass English hillbilly.
Welcome, gentlemen.
You are the five golfers who will represent our tour
in the grudge match against the Maxi League.
I don't have to tell you how important it is that we beat them.
And here to talk about how we're going to accomplish that is Shooter McGavin.
Thank you, Doug. I'll take it from here.
I want to talk to you about pressure.
Now, as the most successful golfer of the '90s,
I've faced my share, believe me,
but nothing like my 30 years in the can.
And if I let my guard down there for a nanosecond…
Stab!
I got a shiv in my guts.
Anyway, I hear you guys all have ice water in your veins.
Well, I reviewed the footage and I ain't seeing it.
-Man, what's happening right now? -Uh…
Bryson DeChambeau.
2022 Portland Open. Eighth hole.
You got a two-stroke lead.
You got an opportunity to pull way ahead and…
-Aw! -What?
Huh?
Oops.
Come on. We all miss a putt every now and then.
Scottie Scheffler.
Oh, boy.
2019 Cadillac Invitational.
Third hole. You're tied. Top of the leaderboard.
It's Sunday. Pressure's on. And you…
Hmm. Into the woods.
The woods, Scottie? Are you afraid to win?
-What about you? -What?
Yeah. 1996 Tour Championship. Final round.
Don't do it, boys.
No. This isn't relevant.
Four-stroke lead on the back nine?
The guy who beat you got hit by a Volkswagen.
-Jackass! -Jackass!
All right! Maybe I haven't handled the pressure perfectly myself,
but I have seen the surgically modified freaks that you're playing.
I have seen the monstrosity they're making you play on.
And if you can't take the heat, golf, as we know it, it's finished!
So let's do this!
Come on. Let's put them in.
All right. On three.
-One, two, three… Shooter! -Golf!
Time to prepare for a moving target.
The cups are gonna be moving?
Damn it, Rory. Nothing's off-limits for these commies.
-Now, Oscar's cousin… -Esteban.
Esteban is fast. And elusive, I'm told.
He's gonna start at the red flag.
If he makes it to the blue flag, we haven't done our jobs.
He's cool with us hitting him?
Yeah. He's been paid.
What did he say?
You're never gonna hit him.
Oh, yeah? How come?
I'm shifty!
Okay, he's shifty. He is. I've seen it.
Get your biscuits in the kitchen
I'm a sous chef on a mission
Baby, wiggle it, it's vicious
We about to break the dishes
Got the pepper with the sodium
We cookin' with petroleum Come step up to the podium
It's too easy!
And cut up this linoleum
Yeah!
You got me!
Come on, cousin. You're almost there.
Okay, stop! We got him. We got him.
I said stop! Who did that?
Oscar. You sicko.
-So I got a hockey question for you. -Uh-huh.
I notice when the players fight,
one of the guys is always pulling the jersey over the head of the other guy
-before he starts pounding on him. -Right.
-Yeah. -Is that hard?
-No, it's easy. You want me to show you? -Yes, please.
Brother. Can I borrow you for a second?
Basically all you do is pull the shirt over.
This traps the arms. You know?
-Yeah. -Knockout. Money.
-You sure? -Yeah.
Okay. How much?
Fifty.
Uh, I'll give you a hundred. Here we go. You know what I mean?
Yeah. That was nice.
-Okay. Money. -Okay. You got it, Scottie. I'm broke.
-Thank you. -There you go. Okay.
Great job, today, by the way.
-Excellent. Yeah, it's fun. -Yeah. That was easy.
I love my job.
Mini-golf-style putting is about two things, angles and obstacles.
If you can read the angles, you can avoid the obstacles.
Let's putt so we can figure those angles out.
Yes! Scheffler!
Yeah, you're right.
One more day before we face these chumps. This is how I used to toughen up.
Oh, my God, Rory!
Okay, Oscar, let's see your stuff.
Sittin' down is stupid Now let me see you move it
Oh! Do you want breadsticks?
A batting cage to toughen up?
I love how much we're in your head.
Oh, I think we're in your head, Brendan.
Otherwise, you wouldn't be snooping around and following us.
My name is Billy.
Hey, settle down, Barry,
and get off the electric Royce. No leaning.
Look, Happy, I don't want to have to humiliate you tomorrow.
You're in the DNA of my league.
The way you rebelled against the traditions
and fussiness of golf, it was beautiful.
So I'm gonna offer you one last chance to be a part of it, okay?
Hell no.
And you look like Freddy Krueger worked at Starbucks. Change it.
I'll give you 10% of the company.
I can't believe I'm the one sticking up for tradition, but…
My wife liked the way golf was played, as is.
And she was pretty much right about everything.
So sorry, boys, but tomorrow, your dumb league is done.
No, tomorrow, I'm gonna finish the revolution you started.
I heard what you said about my breath to Bubba Watson.
I have gingivitis. It's hereditary, okay?
And I got it from my great-grandfather. So I'm so sorry.
I'm literally smelling it from here.
And the wind is blowing that way.
Something has to change in your life. I'm telling you.
Okay.
Come here. Bring it in.
I just wanted to say thank you guys for always getting me back on track.
-I love you. -Love you.
This ain't about Vivi going to dance school. It's about saving golf?
Maybe we can do both,
but we will figure that out, I promise.
Because we're Gilmores, and we don't know how to stop.
Hell yeah, Pop, let's go!
And don't forget to feed John Daly three times a day.
-Okay. -Got it.
-Love you guys. -You heard him.
Let's do this for Mom.
-For Mom! -For Mommy.
-You got this. -That's right.
That's right. She deserves it.
Go get 'em, Dad.
Pop…
-All right. -Yeah!
-What's going on? -Let's go.
-Go Dad, you got this. -Go Daddy!
-What's going on? -Stupid.
-Damn it. -Are you kidding me?
What are you doing?
What's with this guy?
What you doing hitting my dad's car?
This is a family affair, bro!
Take him down, boys! Let's go!
-Whoa, whoa, whoa! -What's he doing?
Get him!
Chase him! That's right!
-Where you going? -Get him!
What the hell is happening?
Welcome to an event unique in the annals of sport.
A one-time showdown between golf's greatest players
and the wild upstarts who seek to supplant them.
Let's get it on.
Welcome to the Maxi Tour Challenge.
I'm Verne Lundquist, along with my partner, Jack Beard,
and my new partner, DJ Omar Gosh.
Truly bitching to be here, Verne.
Ladies and gentlemen of planet Earth!
Are you prepared to have your minds blown?
I'm tippy-toeing. I said I'm tip-- Thank you.
I said are you guys ready to see some golf so exciting your heads will explode?
Whoo!
Here are the Maxi Golfers!
Go Harley!
We've got Harley…
Flex!
Screech!
8 Ball!
And Tour Champion Billy Jenkins!
And now let's welcome their opponents,
the Basic Vanilla Regular Golfers.
Boo!
Goodbye to you
Holy shit! Is that Shooter McGavin?
Look who decided to show.
You never finished your pancakes, by the way.
You want coffee in your other eye?
Ha! Get a furlough from the Funny Farm, Shitter?
-Laugh it up Blue Balls. -It's 8 Ball!
Your name's Davis Miller. You're my brother's college roommate.
It's 8 Ball now! Tell him I said what's up.
You guys get these clothes from the Lost and Found at Comic-Con?
Did you get these melons from your mommy? Yeah?
Don't twist my boy's titties! Those are mine!
Hey, I'll twist your head off, slap-nuts!
Break it up! All right, knock it off!
Golfers, we have a seven-hole course.
First up, Mr. Scheffler going up against Mr. Harley.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's play some Maxi Golf!
-Let's drink up! Come on, let's go! -Yeah! All right! Whoo!
-Here. -No, I'm good.
-You got your own. -Mmm.
-I want to try that. -Mmm-mmm.
And so it begins, hole number one.
Best of five matches, so we only gotta win three of them today.
I say we sweep these goofy bitches.
-That's a good idea. -Yeah.
The fairway's a forest? I don't even know where to lay up.
Or you don't lay-up,
and you crush the ball 500 yards over the trees.
Whoa.
And Harley clears the entire forest.
You ain't number one on this tour, chump.
You smell like my stepfather.
Let's go, Scottie. Come on, now. Let's shake that off.
You the man, Scottie!
Miss it! Miss it!
Quite An impressive right cross,
but Scottie Scheffler is going to be disqualified
before ever swinging a club.
Whoo! That was some gangster shit.
Gangster shit indeed.
There goes the sweep.
Yeah.
Oh, no, not again.
-Come on. -I know the drill.
-Bye-bye! -Sorry, boys.
We'll take care of business, all right?
Next on the tee, Rory McIlroy and Screech.
Screech?
They call me Screech
'cause that's the sound my chainsaw makes every time I tear up a golf course.
Isn't Screech a character in Saved by the Bell?
I'm not familiar with that program.
He was like the comic relief on the show.
Yeah, like the white Urkel.
Nobody cares about that '90s shit!
Those guys do.
I love you, Screech!
Let's just play Maxi Golf, all right?
The rest of the Maxi team has no problem clearing the trees.
The regular golfers, not so much.
Go, go!
Hold on! I'm speeding!
-There it is! Right there! -Yeah, okay.
Oh, my God. There goes the 8.
Shut up!
Here we go! To the right! Whoo!
Yeah!
Looking a little tired, Bry-Bry.
You're looking like you wanna go for a swim, Davis.
This is the new golf, Bryson, and it's 8 Ball!
Where's my ball?
Bad shot, Happy.
This'll make you feel better. How about you take just a sip?
Wow.
We're doing a breath contest? Yeah, I'd walk away too, pal.
McIlroy's tee shot landed in the right bunker,
which, like much of this hole, appears to be on fire.
Screech!
Yeah!
Viva regular golf!
Hey, man. I'm gonna change the channel.
Frankie, sit your ass down. We're watching golf.
All right. I'm sorry.
Get in the hole.
Oh! Wow!
That's what I'm talking about, baby.
God damn it, I just washed that.
It seems like nothing is gonna slow Gilmore down.
All right. See you try and beat this one, Happy.
Let's go, Gilmore!
-You jackass. -What the…
Oh!
Are you kidding me right now? You just cost me the hole, dude!
Happy Gilmore.
Man, I wish my father was here to see this.
Ya jackass.
Jackass.
-Jackass! -There he is.
Unfortunately… …he's in the great Sizzler in the sky.
Know what? I don't miss that dude at all.
What are you gonna do, Happy boy?
Unless you wanna go to jail, you can't hit me. Jackass.
Oh, my goodness!
Yeah… but we can.
You guys came?
This your posse?
-This is what I do. -Okay, let's see.
There's only four of you? Better go get some help!
Okay. Okay.
-Come on! Get him up, boys! -I know a lot about fighting.
I'll bite your leg off. You want some smoke?
This ain't nothing. Now you got me really pissed.
Oh, what is this? You want some of this?
Look at the gators!
You brought the whole family.
Oh, my dick!
Oh! Whoa! Detroit!
I just don't give a--
Put some respect on my name, bitch.
-What is he doing to those gators? -Jackass!
Well, it looks like we have our first fatality.
Whoo!
If you can believe it,
the Maxi Golfers are up two matches to one,
which means Koepka and Gilmore
are going to have to win out in order to defeat the Maxi team.
All right there, Flex! Come on, Flex!
Boom!
-Nice shot, hottie! -Ooh!
No pressure, Boobs Getchya.
Next on the tee, Brooks Koepka.
To me, the smartest play is to come up short of the icy green
and give yourself a chance to chip it in.
Yes! Oh, God!
Sorry, guys. I knew I shouldn't have fist-pumped.
Sucks for you guys.
Another disqualification. Game over.
No, wait. In the event of an injury, we have the right to substitute.
All right, fine. Fine.
Who you guys got?
The one and only.
What's that now?
And a wild day just got a bit wilder.
Shooter McGavin will take over for Brooks Koepka
here on the sixth hole and the putt from Flex.
Oh, it's off course.
I think I see an opening.
Let's go, Scooter! Clock's a-tickin'!
This is a joke. I'm not a competitive golfer anymore.
What are you talking about? You still got the shooter in you.
That guy's long gone, Gilmore.
No. He's sleeping. It's time to wake him up.
Look at these punks. The B-lists.
-Never won shit on the real tour. -Yeah.
And now they're laughing at Shooter McGavin,
the greatest golfer of the '90s, except for me and Tiger?
How dare they? How dare they disrespect you?
Where should they go?
-Back. -Back where?
-Back to… -To their what?
-To their shanties. -Aha!
Because this is whose tour?
It's Shooter's, Shooter's tour.
-Whose tour? -It's Shooter's tour!
-Whose tour? -It's Shooter's tour, baby!
Yeah!
He's got the old pistols back again.
-Give the man his lob wedge. -Oh, I'm feeling it now.
No pressure. No pressure.
You're not gonna make it, Shooter. Tick tock.
-Five, four… -No!
…three, two, one!
You've got to be kidding me!
Oh, my God!
Well, how do you do?
Shooter McGavin jars the cup, wins the hole and his match.
Shooter! Shooter!
Come on now! Choke on that!
That leaves us tied with only Billy Jenkins
and Happy Gilmore left to be decided.
And it's come down to this. The final hole.
Winner take all. The shot clocks are off.
The pressure is on.
The future of regular golf hangs in the balance.
Thousand-yard par four. That's a little long.
Not for me, big man.
Yeah. Check this out.
Hello?
Woo-woo!
Whoa!
That is the longest drive I have ever seen.
Hey, you remember my name now? Bitch.
I'd like to forget ever seeing that hip thing.
That was disgusting.
Jenkins can be on the green in two,
while Gilmore has no hope of getting on in less than three strokes.
Verne, that sucks.
Okay to use that hate one last time, Slim?
Yeah, let it all out.
Ain't no surgery for that.
Come on, Happy, let's go.
You never made the Bruins because you suck at skating.
You shut your stupid face.
Who's he talking to?
Oh! And your daughter's never going to ballet school
because her dad's a washed up drunk.
I'm gonna kill you!
Uh-oh.
Somebody went further.
Yeah…
Bitch!
Jenkins is first to hit.
Yes!
Oh, and by the way, all four of your boys are dumb!
What did you say?
-Ow! Ooh! -Aw.
Yeah!
I can't believe there's taxis without drivers,
AI girlfriends, and now, quite possibly, the end of traditional golf.
I'll go first.
Give you a chance to think about how you're going to play that.
-Whoa! -Whoa!
Billy Jenkins, you stepped on it and stepped in it.
Shut up, Edward Woodenhand.
Screw you, Cabbage Patch Kid.
Take your time.
Go get my lob wedge. Wait.
Go stand right there.
Okay.
Right in the back of the cup.
-No, don't get off! God! -Oh!
-Vecsey! -What?
God damn it.
Excuse me. Know what? You're fired.
Makes sense.
Will you quit messing this up and make this? Come on.
I'm trying, sir.
Just get it on the right line.
Coming right up, sir.
And Billy Jenkins is in for four.
-Yeah! -Choke on that one, Happy!
Gilmore has only two shots left to even tie this thing.
I'm not even playing and my palms are sweaty. Mom's spaghetti.
I can't get a damn swing off here.
You got any ideas? We're in trouble, dude.
Hmm. I say ricochet that shit.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Amazing!
Did it go in?
Not that amazing.
You nervous?
No, just… Can I use your mailbox?
The question now is,
how do you hit on a green you can't stand on?
What do I do?
Here we go, Dad!
-Dad, let's go! -Let's go! All you!
-Right now! -All right.
What's the plan?
How about this?
Go to the other side directly across from me.
-Yes, sir. -Okay.
-Oscar. Hey. -Yeah, go!
Oh, God, I can't bear to watch.
Oscar, how much do you weigh?
170.
Pick up the bag, please.
Actually, take two clubs out.
Two clubs. Two. Two clubs.
Okay. Pick the bag up again.
And on the count of three, we're stepping on the green.
-Okay. -Are you ready?
And one, two… three!
Whoa, oh-- Hey…
That's it. That's it. Okay, we're gonna hop forward.
One. Two. Three.
Ooh.
Okay.
Now to the left.
One, two, three.
That's it.
Now we're gonna go sideways… Two, three.
Ooh, Oscar… Nice work.
Check this out.
Whoa!
-What's happening? -What the…
Sorry, Happy, I had to. We don't do tiebreakers at Maxi.
How about we raise the stakes?
I end this whole project if you sink this putt.
And if I miss?
It's simple. You join Maxi League.
How about this?
You pay for my daughter's dance school,
buy me my grandma's house back,
plus I get your Rolls-Royce,
plus you gotta buy Oscar his own restaurant.
What kind of restaurant are we talking here?
What kind of food, Oscar?
Sushi. No, no, no. Italian.
Fine. You're on.
You heard it. There'll be no playoff today.
Oscar, I have bad news.
I'm holding a sand wedge. I need a putter.
Just take it slowly out of the bag.
That's it. That's it. Take the sock off.
Okay, so we're gonna throw it to each other on the count of three.
-Okay. -We can do this.
One, two, three.
-Oh! -Okay. I caught my own club.
Physics is a bitch, isn't it?
Here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna throw it straight up in the sky.
Let's do this.
Do not get sick, Oscar.
-Okay. One, two, three. -One, two…
Yes!
Let's go! Let's go, Hap!
High five. High…
Hey, Gilmore can do this. I've seen it. I lived it.
Wow. Cool. How bout we take this to the Maxi?
He's gonna fly off.
-…spot, focus on the spot. -You got it. Focus.
Oh, no.
Hang in there, Oscar, please.
Come on, Dad. You got it.
Dad!
Come on, Dad!
I love you so much!
Do it like my daddy taught you. Tap it. Tap it in.
It's got a chance.
-Go. -Go.
Come on, Happy.
-Come on, come on… -Come on, come on, come on…
-Get there! -Oh!
Oh, no!
Yes! Welcome to Maxi, Happy. Whoo!
Oh, my God! Happy Gilmore has won!
And regular golf will live on.
-I'm 8 Ball! I'm 8 Ball! -No! That doesn't happen!
You are a piece of shit, you know that?
I did everything I could…
Oscar! We did it, Oscar!
Papi, papi. Wake up.
-Good job! -Did we win?
-Yes! -All right!
Happy, yes!
Yeah, yeah!
Stop.
Your training paid off. You did it. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you.
-Yes! -Yes!
What a great win. Let's go to Hooters.
-Happy Gilmore! Happy Gilmore! -Happy Gilmore! Happy Gilmore!
I can't believe I'm saying this, but you're all free to go.
Beautiful.
Unbelievable. Tremendous.
I understand you have a restaurant.
We have the best Italian Dominican Puerto Rican Cuban restaurant in the town.
I love my new job!
We did it, baby! We did it for Mom!
Well, I've won a lot of trophies and jackets over the years,
but out of all of them, I have to say this is by far the most special.
And I want to thank all my friends out there
who helped me achieve this monumental moment.
Three months sober.
Yay! Way to go, Mr. Gilmore!
Splendid! Splendid, Mr. Gilmore.
But will you make it to a year?
-Magic 8-Ball says… unlikely. -Uh-huh.
What are you talking about, Hal? Happy's going to make it a full lifetime.
Know what else is full, Charlotte?
My gutters. Full of dead leaves and squirrel droppings.
But you'll be cleaning them out this weekend.
I don't like the way you talk to that kid.
It's fine, Mr. Gilmore.
No, it's not fine. That kid has helped me more than you have, Hal.
Seriously, Mr. Gilmore, I got this.
Guys, can we be done here? We've got enough.
Why are you talking into your collar? Are you high?
-Holy-- -Whoa!
Hallowicious Lieberman!
You're under arrest for fraud and extortion.
We got enough footage of you being a sick son of a bitch
to lock you away for a lifetime.
You narc'd on me?
Guess so.
Hey, man, I was just trying to help these people.
Manual labor's therapeutically beneficial.
-Hey, Happy. -What?
-Catch. -Oh!
-I believe that's Mr. Gilmore's! -He got my coin!
I got the coin!
-Oh, shit! Stop! -Stay still!
You're a very cool kid.
You're a very cool guy. You remind me of my dad.
Yeah?
All right, just have fun in Paris.
If you get homesick for America,
I can ship over some Yodels or bottle rockets.
Whatever you guys want.
We'll be fine, Dad. And we'll see you next month, right?
That's right.
I got the British Open, I'll show up a week early, we'll hang out.
I want to see some fancy French dancing from this kid.
Then you can come check out our show.
What show?
We're gonna be singing mimes.
I thought mimes aren't allowed to talk.
That's how we're gonna separate ourselves from the other mimes, by singing.
Okay.
We're trapped in a box! Now we're tugging on a rope!
Even look at our sister…
-And we'll kill you! -And we'll crush you!
-I'll murder you! -Don't you look at her!
-Smart. I love that! -Nailed it. Really good.
Come here. Gonna miss you.
And if you're hungry on the flight, enjoy the bread from Oscar's restaurant.
Go crush them over there for Mom. Have a ball.
Love you, Dad.
-Hey, here you go. -You're the best, guys.
-Sir, right there. -There you go, buddy.
Yeah, get him!
I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
Come on, Vienna.
Love you. I'll miss you.
Tuesday's gone with the wind
Hey, Happy.
Tuesday's gone with the wind
Oh. You're okay.
My baby's gone with the wind
Train roll on
Tuesday's gone
Battery, zero percent.
I didn't charge it! Damn it!
Oh, baby Don't it feel like heaven right now?
Don't it feel like something From a dream?
Yeah, I've never known Nothing quite like this
Don't it feel like tonight Might never be again?
Baby, we know better Than to try and pretend
Honey no one Coulda ever told me 'bout this
-I said yeah, yeah -Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith You take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part
Well, yeah, I might have chased A couple women around
All it ever got me was down
Then there were those That made me feel good
But never as good as I feel right now
Baby, you're the only one That's ever known how
To make me wanna live…
Well, the bad news just keeps coming for Maxi
and its controversial founder, Francis Manatee.
Since the spectacular failure of the Maxi Golf League,
the popular Maxi Sports Drink has been recalled after complaints
it caused irreversible halitosis, gingivitis,
and a new condition they're calling tongue rot.
We at the Sports Hole tried to reach Manatee for comment,
but his current whereabouts are apparently unknown.
Yeah, I would run too if I gave half the world midnight booty breath.
Hey, Scheffler, it's been three days. You sure you don't wanna make that call?
It depends. What's for dinner?
Chicken fingers.
I'll stick around another night.
Okay.
Oh
Get your biscuits in the kitchen I'm a sous chef on a mission
Baby, wiggle it, it's vicious We about to break the dishes
Got the pepper with the sodium We cookin' with petroleum
Come step up to the podium And cut up this linoleum
Just move it
Move it
Sittin' down is stupid Now let me see you move it
Get your peaches off that stoop Baby, work that hula hoop
Throw it back and watch 'em shoop Scottie Pippen, alley oop
Mix it up like orange drink Shake your buffalo chicken wing
Get your galoshes, make it rain Now-now let me hear you sing, uh
Just move it
Move it
Sittin' down is stupid Now let me see you move it
Just move it
Move it
Sittin' down is stupid Now let me see you move it
Sitting is dumb
Dancing is more fun
Sitting is dumb
Dancing is more fun
Sitting is dumb But dancing is more fun
Dancing is more fun Dancing is more fun
Just move it
Move it
Sittin' down is stupid Now let me see you move it
Just move it
Move it
Sittin' down is stupid Now let me see you move it